I (f27) am triggered by many things that my husband (m29) does and says and it's exhausting.

[JosephineMarie]

My husband and I have been married a month, we've been together for a year and a half. We moved in together 8 months ago. 
 

I know he loves me and truly gives his all to me. Yet, I still find myself extremely moody, and upset at the smallest things.  I can be full of contempt at times due to built up resentment over small things,  for example when he doesn't keep his word about us splitting a bill... I can't tell if this is just who I am but any little thing he does seem to trigger me. I also find that I am often times unkind and lose my patience with him. I hate this because deep down I don't want to be this type of person. In past relationships, I was never purposely unkind. Sometimes I am condescending too. 

We are never verbally abusive but I do get upset at him a lot. He hardly does anything to upset me though. He is always trying hard to make sure I am a as happy as can be. I'm not sure if maybe I'm just not used to living with another person yet (but it's been 8 months???) or we are just not as compatible as (we) thought, or if I am just extremely intolerant. OR generally unhappy within myself (which is highly true atm) It's so frustrating because I'm exhausted, and I know he gets exhausted too. He knows right away when I "turnoff" because my facial expression and body language changes. He will ask me what's wrong, I will let him know and we talk about it and make up. We always do this. Rinse, and repeat.  
 

for example last night I got upset (and this often happens) because when we're in bed, he will usually just be on his phone. often times he will cuddle me, but only for like 5 seconds, before he's back on his phone again. I hate that. I've talked to him about it and he says we'll do better but it doesn't seem like it because it feels the same. I also don't know why this bothers me so much. He doesn't deliberately ignore me. I guess I just really wish we talked more, and for longer periods of time.

 

I've also noticed that he isn't as patient towards me as he (was) or used to be. I've noticed him being a little less patient if he has to repeat something or explain something to me, which wasn't like that. 
he still is still patient but I have noticed it's a bit less than before. I don't blame him though. He is probably exhausted. I wish we could just hit a reset. 

I always apologize for snapping at him and we always make up but I do feel generally very unhappy atm at where my life's going, what my daily routine is, and the fact that I haven't had a vacation off in years. We hardly go out, or do anything exciting, and in my personal life it's the same. I desperately want a change but I don't know what it's gonna take for me to get out of this rut I feel like I am in. I feel like an emotional train wreck most days. My emotions feel so extreme - extremely high and extremely low. I don't know what could be the cause of this and I don't know what to do because I feel like I am unintentionally harming my partner. 
 

I fear he will get the impression that nothing he does will be enough, and that hurts me because deep down, I don't know if it's not true.. 

 

I think being at my mom's house definitely takes a toll on me as she is just always nagging at me for something. I feel like I can't ever please her. I know she is deeply unhappy within herself as well as she is divorced. We are moving into our own apartment towards the end of the month, so maybe that will help my emotional well-being a bit, and in turn help me be more regulated in the relationship and kinder towards my partner. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, JosephineMarie said:

My husband and I have been married a month, we've been together for a year and a half. We moved in together 8 months ago. I think being at my mom's house definitely takes a toll on me as she is just always nagging at me for something. . We are moving into our own apartment towards the end of the month, 

Sorry this is happening. Do you both work? How were things before he moved into your house? Getting your own place will help. Try to plan fun things to do together on days off. Have some date nights.

You seem quite stressed overall. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

While moving into your own place will ease some issues, you still may want to look at why you're so down and stressed.

[JosephineMarie]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you both work? How were things before he moved into your house? Getting your own place will help. Try to plan fun things to do together on days off. Have some date nights.

You seem quite stressed overall. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

While moving into your own place will ease some issues, you still may want to look at why you're so down and stressed.

We both work full-time. I work from home and he gets home around 9 pm everyday. 

things were a lot different when we lived separately because we had to go out to see each other. We planned day dates, we did weekend trips, we went to the movies, the park, dancing clubs, you name it. We did it. But we did because we had to see each other. And now that we live together, I feel we still want to do those things but I feel like since we already see each other, we reached a level of comfort where it's not as necessary to go out, because we are already living together. It makes me a bit sad.. We haven't done things because we needed (and need) to save up money and use our time to further our career. So temporarily we are going to be in this space where we can't do much exciting things outside of our home, and I know it's going to take a toll. So I think a conversation is needed to be had about that. 
 

work is very stressful although I work from home, it is mentally exhausting. I often times wish I just didn't have to work.. I feel that would make me very happy because work does take up a huge part of my day and by the evening I am so tired and have no energy to do anything that refills/energizes me. I'm sure that has taken a toll on my emotional stability too.  

[Lambert]

How is/was your emotional health prior/ throughout your life leading up to now? 

Have you always struggled to control your emotions or is it just with him? or just recently?

Do you see a resemblance in your behavior to your mother's behavior?

[Seraphim]

Work is necessary if we want a home to live in and food to eat so we can’t opt out of that. 
I would hazard  to guess when he gets home at 9 o’clock he  is probably pretty tired as well. 
 

No, being married and living together is not a perpetual fun party, where you go out every day of the week. That is called dating . 
 

You are unrealistic. 

[Coily]

59 minutes ago, JosephineMarie said:

I think being at my mom's house definitely takes a toll on me as she is just always nagging at me for something. I feel like I can't ever please her. I know she is deeply unhappy within herself as well as she is divorced. We are moving into our own apartment towards the end of the month, so maybe that will help my emotional well-being a bit, and in turn help me be more regulated in the relationship and kinder towards my partner. 

This really stood out to me. This a very toxic place for a marriage to start, it's like trying to grow roses in an acid bath. Having seen a divorced mother ruin the marriages of two of her daughters, all i can say is the more time you and your husband spend without interference the better.

There are a lot of moving parts here, and your husband being on the phone while rude is the least of the problems.

I'll start by asking why do you two pay for outings separately? While it's prudent to have some separate accounts (savings etc) you two are husband and wife, this separation is a bit of a red flag as one of you seems to have a foot out of the door already.

Your resentments are all a reflection of you, I don't mean to be cruel with that; but from the description here your husband is taking heat for not really doing anything overtly wrong. You are allowing this resentment to fester and ruin your marriage, it could be unrealistic expectations,  and likely that you are allowing your mother to plant seeds to poison the relationship.

I would highly suggest you have a conversation with your husband about wanting a refresh on your marriage when you move to your apartment. Come up with some mutual rules, like no cellphones in the bedroom. Initially (first few months) don't have company over, go visit them, keeping people out will allow you two to work on building a home life.

[Kampuniform3]

Both of yiou need to leave his Mother's house as quickly as possible. The timeline should be no greater than three months, but less is preferable. 

If you're annoyed with him now, that isn't going to miraculously go away the moment you are both enjoying better life circumstances.

You will face life challenges going forward that make the one you're presently experiencing look like nothing, so both of you have to learn how to mange your emotions better in difficult circumstances, because it's all uphill from here. 

If neither of you can accept this responsibility, then your marriage will be doomed. 

 

[JosephineMarie]

33 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Work is necessary if we want a home to live in and food to eat so we can’t opt out of that. 
I would hazard  to guess when he gets home at 9 o’clock he  is probably pretty tired as well. 
 

No, being married and living together is not a perpetual fun party, where you go out every day of the week. That is called dating . 
 

You are unrealistic. 

I'm not saying we have to go out every day of the week. Of course that is unrealistic, and if you go back to the end of my post I specifically mentioned being too tired to do anything at the end of the work day, so that wouldn't even be feasible.. I do miss when we would go out to see each other. Which happened once or twice a week bc we had jobs and a life outside of us.

[Kwothe28]

Living together with somebody is a different breed then just dating. When you are dating you are not together 24/7 and you can spend comfortably couple of hours a week together with no big deal. But when you are living together you are together all the time. Even when you are at not your best selves. So you need to handle the other person all the time. If you havent did that for 8 months, I doubt moving would change that. For example, nothing stops you to go out on dates now. Or even to be intimate. But you maybe just dont mash up together when you live together. 

[Seraphim]

45 minutes ago, JosephineMarie said:

I'm not saying we have to go out every day of the week. Of course that is unrealistic, and if you go back to the end of my post I specifically mentioned being too tired to do anything at the end of the work day, so that wouldn't even be feasible.. I do miss when we would go out to see each other. Which happened once or twice a week bc we had jobs and a life outside of us.

We have been living together for 30 years . What you are describing is life . 

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Work is necessary if we want a home to live in and food to eat so we can’t opt out of that. 
I would hazard  to guess when he gets home at 9 o’clock he  is probably pretty tired as well. 
 

No, being married and living together is not a perpetual fun party, where you go out every day of the week. That is called dating . 
 

You are unrealistic. 

Work is necessary to enable you to LIVE life. If your work is such that you are, by end of day, mentally (or physically) spent to the point of not wanting to engage in life - you're simply wasting your precious years on this planet. 

[Type O Negative]

2 hours ago, JosephineMarie said:

My husband and I have been married a month, we've been together for a year and a half. We moved in together 8 months ago. 
 

I know he loves me and truly gives his all to me. Yet, I still find myself extremely moody, and upset at the smallest things.  I can be full of contempt at times due to built up resentment over small things,  for example when he doesn't keep his word about us splitting a bill... I can't tell if this is just who I am but any little thing he does seem to trigger me. I also find that I am often times unkind and lose my patience with him. I hate this because deep down I don't want to be this type of person. In past relationships, I was never purposely unkind. Sometimes I am condescending too. 

We are never verbally abusive but I do get upset at him a lot. He hardly does anything to upset me though. He is always trying hard to make sure I am a as happy as can be. I'm not sure if maybe I'm just not used to living with another person yet (but it's been 8 months???) or we are just not as compatible as (we) thought, or if I am just extremely intolerant. OR generally unhappy within myself (which is highly true atm) It's so frustrating because I'm exhausted, and I know he gets exhausted too. He knows right away when I "turnoff" because my facial expression and body language changes. He will ask me what's wrong, I will let him know and we talk about it and make up. We always do this. Rinse, and repeat.  
 

for example last night I got upset (and this often happens) because when we're in bed, he will usually just be on his phone. often times he will cuddle me, but only for like 5 seconds, before he's back on his phone again. I hate that. I've talked to him about it and he says we'll do better but it doesn't seem like it because it feels the same. I also don't know why this bothers me so much. He doesn't deliberately ignore me. I guess I just really wish we talked more, and for longer periods of time.

 

I've also noticed that he isn't as patient towards me as he (was) or used to be. I've noticed him being a little less patient if he has to repeat something or explain something to me, which wasn't like that. 
he still is still patient but I have noticed it's a bit less than before. I don't blame him though. He is probably exhausted. I wish we could just hit a reset. 

I always apologize for snapping at him and we always make up but I do feel generally very unhappy atm at where my life's going, what my daily routine is, and the fact that I haven't had a vacation off in years. We hardly go out, or do anything exciting, and in my personal life it's the same. I desperately want a change but I don't know what it's gonna take for me to get out of this rut I feel like I am in. I feel like an emotional train wreck most days. My emotions feel so extreme - extremely high and extremely low. I don't know what could be the cause of this and I don't know what to do because I feel like I am unintentionally harming my partner. 
 

I fear he will get the impression that nothing he does will be enough, and that hurts me because deep down, I don't know if it's not true.. 

 

I think being at my mom's house definitely takes a toll on me as she is just always nagging at me for something. I feel like I can't ever please her. I know she is deeply unhappy within herself as well as she is divorced. We are moving into our own apartment towards the end of the month, so maybe that will help my emotional well-being a bit, and in turn help me be more regulated in the relationship and kinder towards my partner. 

You're really just starting to figure out what it's like to live life together, as a couple. You've been together a matter of months..you barely even know each other, trust me. Having said that, living with parents as a couple? Not recommended, to put it mildly. 

[Seraphim]

10 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Work is necessary to enable you to LIVE life. If your work is such that you are, by end of day, mentally (or physically) spent to the point of not wanting to engage in life - you're simply wasting your precious years on this planet. 

Then it is time to change your job but working is necessary and tired happens . 

[Type O Negative]

6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Then it is time to change your job but working is necessary and tired happens . 

 Sure thing...Seraphim!

[Andrina]

Why were you both in a big rush with all these major changes when you hadn't been together that long? Him moving in with you in your mom's house only months after the honeymoon period. A wedding after a year and a half when you two can't even afford a place of your own at the moment? What was the reasoning behind these decisions?

Most people's jobs do take a big part of the day, so that likely won't change for you if you want your own home and transportation. But if you don't like your job, perhaps keep applying for other jobs that you'll be happier at.

What were your must-haves for a forever partner? You mentioned the one thing about the argument about the bill, which wasn't explained in detail. Is he frugal, or does he spend money on nonsense? Does he have a good plan for achieving a good career, or has his pattern been jumping from one thing to another, and never following through? Do you life goals match, as to having children or not, and staying in the area or not? 

If everything's good, here are my suggestions:

He needs time to decompress after work, so I don't know if this is the time he gets on his phone in bed or not. Make sure he has time with that without you being needy. But also make it clear you also want some quality time with him without the distraction of the phone, but you will have to make it pleasant for him as well. Maybe lay in bed and listen to music you both like. Make the topics pleasant and fun. My husband and I sometimes talk about nostalgic things about our childhoods before going to sleep. Instead of him just cuddling you, sometimes give him a foot rub or back rub. Make it a happier time for him than scrolling on a phone will be.

Another suggestion is to have a date day/night once a week or once a month. You say you're tired, but once you get out, you might find yourself rejuvenated. There are low-cost and freebie stuff you can do. You just have to do research and be creative. Most towns have hiking parks that can be free.  Some lakes and beaches have free parking. Do you two ever get together with friends? Another couple? It's crucial he's not the sole source of your social life.

And about your short-temper--yes, he's already showing signs the bitterness you spew is eating away at the love like a cancer. You're really going to have to let minor things slide, and decide which major issues need a conversation, but word those conversations in a way that will solve the problem, not making digs at him.

If perhaps you've realized you made a rash decision by living with and marrying this man, perhaps get an annulment.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, JosephineMarie said:

. We planned day dates, we did weekend trips, we went to the movies, the park, dancing clubs, you name it.  we reached a level of comfort where it's not as necessary to go out, 

When you get your own place and privacy and a break from family, things will ease up.

Keep saving for your future and new apartment, but find free and inexpensive things to do as a couple. 

Keeping the romance alive is important and reduces stress and conflict. Try not to get too complacent. That's different than contented. 

 

[Volio]

Maybe I can offer some insight from a husband’s perspective. My wife gets on my case and is “triggered” (as she has stated) by many things about me. Some of it is behavioral, as you described, but a lot of what my wife complains about it is physical or immutable characteristics about me (how I breathe, body hair, etc.). She can also be impatient with me when she has to repeat herself, just like what your husband does.

When you love someone, you tolerate some level of nagging, because one or two complaints aren’t a big deal. However, over time, these things aggregate and really wear on a person.

It’s good that you recognize when you or your husband get triggered by the other. I think it’s important to recognize each time you do it and not to let each annoyance turn into disgust or resentment. For a lot of triggers, the person who is triggered can be the intolerant or unreasonable one. For others, a behavior or trait is legitimately annoying or negative and does warrant a reaction. I think you should evaluate which triggers are your problem and which are his. My wife recognizes when a number of her triggers are her issues and not issues with me (i.e. I’m not doing something wrong by breathing) and we’re working on this in counseling.

Personally, I would get annoyed at a partner on her phone too much too, and I’ve certainly been guilty of it in the past. But it’s better to ask your partner amicably to put the phone away for a bit and explain your reasoning instead of snapping. That will only breed more resentment for both of you.

Good luck. I certainly understand your situation and also your husband’s, being on the receiving end of these triggers.