In love with a married person

[Wizdumb]

Title says enough, and hopefully I touch enough points here. So, where do I start?

I’m in love with someone who is married. I’ve been in love with them years before this marriage/relationship ever began.
 

We started off as friends in high school, and as they went off to college and I went to the military I started to see; for me, this was more than a friendship. They were set on maintaining the friendship & not crossing over any boundaries that would jeopardize that relationship. I just could never shake the feeling. Although my feelings never went away and I made that clear, we decided to stay in each others lives as friends, and of course, I had the hope that eventually things would grow into more.

So, why do I love them? Mind you, this has been a feeling since at least 2015. Well, they’re the only person (friend or partner) that no matter how long we go without talking, the energy is always the same. Our conversations are completely aligned with each other, we don’t agree on everything but we make an honest effort to understand one another. Their heart is so pure and the love we’ve been giving out to others isn’t the love we’ve been receiving and I know we would fulfill each other. They share the same spiritual beliefs as me. They give me the hard truth and truly want the best for me(something I’ve yet to receive). They match my level of ambition and wanting to pursue improvement through all aspects of life. Most of my past relationships all have been deceitful, emotionally draining, poor communication and I’ve imagined this person in each of those relationships & can see how they would’ve handle things, how we would’ve seen all problems as a threat to us and not one of us as a threat to the other.

Through the years we obviously dated other people and shared those experiences with each other. Which would always keep that flame lit for me, since things weren’t working apart from each other, I feel like we’d complete one another being together.

So since 2018 they’ve been married and have a child with their spouse. I obviously removed my feelings toward them early on because I was truly happy as I’ve always supported them in everything they do. Well throughout the years this marriage has proved to been a big lie to this person. Their spouse has cheated, abused them emotionally/physically/mentally, and so many more things to destroy their perception of themself. 
 

I’ve honestly tried moving on a few times and they let me know how much they loved me, and they see how much I care for them and that they don’t want to lose me. But obviously it’s not as easy for them to up and leave. Well, it’s finally getting to a point where divorce is literally on the table because communication, therapy, and other methods haven’t saved their marriage. And I’m still here head over heels for this person. I’m of course wanting them to heal from this many years of a traumatic relationship and wanting to support them any way I can. But you best believe I feel this is my last chance at them if their heart is open to love again.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you, and I’m sorry if it seems rushed. Kinda hard wrapping this many years in a quick post.

I quite honestly haven’t talked to anyone about this situation because I know how it looks, but I’m someone who normally knows exactly what they want and strive until I have it. And I feel deep in my soul that a relationship with them is worth trying and I’ll never be satisfied without that chance.

If it helps, I will reveal the gender to see if your initial perception changes. I am a man in love with a married woman. Who’s willing to risk any and everything to have her in my life forever.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Wizdumb said:

Im in love with someone who is married. I’ve been in love with them years before this marriage/relationship ever began.

Have you ever dated each other or had a sexual relationship? Is this an arranged marriage? Why didn't you two marry? 

[Wizdumb]

We had sex 10 years ago when we were about 18 , never again. She was heavy on keeping things platonic, because she values the friendship so much and didn’t want a  failed intimate relationship to ruin it. Through the years we continued to grow a deeper emotional connection.

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Wizdumb said:

We had sex 10 years ago when we were about 18 , never again. She was heavy on keeping things platonic, because she values the friendship so much and didn’t want a  failed intimate relationship to ruin it. Through the years we continued to grow a deeper emotional connection.

Unfortunately many cheaters claim they're getting divorced imminently to continue to sting the other along. 

If she wanted to divorce, she would. Unfortunately it seems like you're in the friendzone.  Please move forward with someone available who wants what you want.

[Wizdumb]

I respect that and I would tell someone the same thing.
 

she’s expressed how she feels about me & knows I’m the the kind of man she needs. She took on a lot of the masculine roles in her marriage by always leading the household, of course that would tire a woman out who is more naturally feminine.  She put a lot of effort into fixing the things he broke in the marriage; trust, security, communication. He never met her half way or took the lead/accountability.

I know until divorce is final anything could happen. They’ve been married for over 5 years and until it’s over there’s a chance things can be repaired. Obviously, at this point if this is who she thinks she deserves I will accept that as closure.
 

I can get any woman I want, the problem is I’d never give them a fair chance if I know there was a possibility of me and her being together. Unless something came about that made either one of us decide this could never happen I’m gonna keep trying.

[Lambert]

do you have a question? Are you looking for advice? 

[Lambert]

30 minutes ago, Wizdumb said:

she’s expressed how she feels about me

What has she expressed? 

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, Wizdumb said:

Well, they’re the only person (friend or partner) that no matter how long we go without talking, the energy is always the same.

I dont believe in the concept of "the one". How special can you be that you only have one person in the whole world who "matches your energy"?

Also, yours "the one" is married.  That is just a "no-no". You dont know the conditions of her marriage. You know only what she tells you which maybe isnt what is the real stage of things. She could be just saying you that looking for affair. Until she is fully single, there is nothing for you there. And you are just wasting your time there instead of just searching somebody available that would be just as good for you.

[Wizdumb]

6 hours ago, Lambert said:

What has she expressed? 

That she’s been trying to force someone into loving and treating her the way she feels she deserves & she’s tired of it. She can clearly see, after going through all of this that she wouldn’t have to do that with me. The love I give her is free and unconditional, she’s never had that and is tired of running from it. I guess it seemed too good to be true.
 

I don’t really have a question , I just want to hear people’s opinion on the topic to spur conversation.

[Wizdumb]

15 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont believe in the concept of "the one". How special can you be that you only have one person in the whole world who "matches your energy"?

Also, yours "the one" is married.  That is just a "no-no". You dont know the conditions of her marriage. You know only what she tells you which maybe isnt what is the real stage of things. She could be just saying you that looking for affair. Until she is fully single, there is nothing for you there. And you are just wasting your time there instead of just searching somebody available that would be just as good for you.

I’m not sure if there’s a one, but there’s few you’d be willing to fight for. We’ve been physically distant for years, hundreds of miles up to continents away, yet the same feeling is there. 
 

I normally have two kinds of gut feelings; a burning desire to achieve something at all costs because it’s truly for me and a deep intuitive sense that something or someone is not good for me. I used to struggle deciphering between the two, I’m positive this is that burning desire. Everytime I’ve gone against that instinctive warning it was due to being blinded by something superficial; this is deeper and more meaningful.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Wizdumb said:

 We’ve been physically distant for years, hundreds of miles up to continents away, 

How far apart are you now? How often have you seen each other in person and when was the last time you spoke in person? Is your contact mostly through messaging and chatting?

Unfortunately it seems like she needs a friend or a crutch to complain about her unhappy marriage. She doesn't seem to be looking for an affair or a BF if she gets divorced.

You may want to reflect on why you have foregone viable opportunities in order to maintain this friendship with someone perpetually unavailable. 

 

[Sindy_0311]

You have been thinking about this woman for so long, never knowing exactly where she stands. Did she already tell you she doesn’t view you like you do? Did she made clear she doesn’t want anything more than friendship? If not, I would address the situation. Otherwise you will always have this doubt in your mind and won’t be able to fully appreciate someone else. In this case it’s better to have a discussion that would help you move on.  I also have to mention that many men and women get married for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to make presumptions about her marriage but is it possible she wasn’t that in love with her husband when they got married? I’ve know friends loving each other for years, getting married with other people only to find out years later that they both were in love with each other. These things happens, and in fact they often do.  I suggest you have a discussion with her. It’s time you get clarity. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Wizdumb said:

We started off as friends in high school.  for me, this was more than a friendship. She was set on maintaining the friendship & not crossing over any boundaries. 

It's ok to have friends and  fond memories of a highschool crush/romance. However except for one sexual encounter a decade ago, it seems like you're  just friends but you have an unrequited ongoing crush.

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, Wizdumb said:

That she’s been trying to force someone into loving and treating her the way she feels she deserves & she’s tired of it. She can clearly see, after going through all of this that she wouldn’t have to do that with me. The love I give her is free and unconditional, she’s never had that and is tired of running from it. I guess it seemed too good to be true.
 

I don’t really have a question , I just want to hear people’s opinion on the topic to spur conversation.

This doesn't sound like a person in love to me. It sounds like regret that she married the wrong person and she wishes she were more into you romantically.  

I have definitely known people who would have been great partners with me, but my feelings were not romantic. When I have been starved for romantic love (aka in a bad relationship) yes, they seemed like a God send and the whole idea of what they would be like sounds good and what I actually want in a relationship.

However, when I am happy and healthy in my own life, they are just a dear friend.  I love them and I wish it could be different.  But that need for chemistry, sexual attraction and passion is not met in the relationship and so any kind of romance just can't be sustained.  

12 hours ago, Wizdumb said:

I can get any woman I want, the problem is I’d never give them a fair chance if I know there was a possibility of me and her being together. Unless something came about that made either one of us decide this could never happen I’m gonna keep trying.

In a way, your view of her situation is very similar to your own.

You are writing about how she continued to work on things with her husband to make it work.  You have continued to sacrifice your own happiness for her.

You say she knows your feelings, but she can't leave you.  But you could work on yourself and leave her.  And until your needs become your priority and see the forest for the trees, you will remain in limbo.  

I am sorry.  It's hard.  We've all loved people that didn't love us the same way.  And it can be a trap to keep trying & keep giving to finally win the love we want.  But in my experience, your version of them is blinded.  

Are you looking for advice or strategies to end this?  

[Batya33]

My opinion is reach out and see if she wants to date you a year after her divorce is final -otherwise avoid playing with fire.  When one of my dear friends was in her early 20s she fell in love with a married man -they were grad school classmates and best friends -she was head over heels and didn't tell him.  He later "confessed" his love for her and she lost her virginity to him.  Then he and his wife conceived another baby.  They had an affair for a few years -he wasn't going to leave the marriage but insisted the marriage was loveless blah blah

She finally ended it when she was in her late 20s, met her future husband on match.com - they were in love.  The marriage only lasted 2.5 years. Because a few months before the wedding she was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  She passed away in her mid 30s.  

Let that be a cautionary "tale" - that's another reason why you may think you have "time" -you are "young" --- imagine if she'd had those wasted years back.....

[Wizdumb]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

You have been thinking about this woman for so long, never knowing exactly where she stands. Did she already tell you she doesn’t view you like you do? Did she made clear she doesn’t want anything more than friendship? If not, I would address the situation. Otherwise you will always have this doubt in your mind and won’t be able to fully appreciate someone else. In this case it’s better to have a discussion that would help you move on.  I also have to mention that many men and women get married for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to make presumptions about her marriage but is it possible she wasn’t that in love with her husband when they got married? I’ve know friends loving each other for years, getting married with other people only to find out years later that they both were in love with each other. These things happens, and in fact they often do.  I suggest you have a discussion with her. It’s time you get clarity. 

Early on she was clear that she wanted to maintain strictly a friendship. I believe out of fear that it wouldn’t work out and we’d damage our friendship forever.

I would say halfway through her marriage she started to realize she was fighting an uphill battle with someone who didn’t view love the same way she did. When she compared how I treated women I’ve dated and how her husband treats her, she can see his love was manipulative and inconsistent, and mine is honest and consistent. So yes, she has clearly told me she loves me and believes we would be great together , but to me it seems she’s suffering from guilt. Obviously he’s done absolutely wrong on many levels, but she feels it’s hard to judge him for those things since she believes what we had was an emotional affair. 

[Sindy_0311]

Saying to someone you would treat me good and we would make a great couple doesn’t necessarily means you love them. 

Now if she explicitly said “I love you” (and not as a friend) what is keeping from making a move? 

[Wizdumb]

She has said that, the issue is she’s minimizing the infidelity and lies throughout her marriage, and indecisive on whether she wants to leave or not. The fear of letting go of a life you’ve been so used to for years to go out in the world with a fresh start is pretty scary, so I understand. For everything bad thing he’s done, she compares it to something she’s “done”. For example, “maybe I’m too controlling by making him go to therapy to address his traumas” “he feels like he can’t do anything he wants because it may upset me” “he struggles to communicate because he feels like I’m trying to change him”. I don’t see a problem with her in these situations, the guy has made mistakes, an apology doesn’t dismiss the action especially if it continues, of course you’re gonna start requiring some action and effort.

[Sindy_0311]

15 minutes ago, Wizdumb said:

For everything bad thing he’s done, she compares it to something she’s “done”. For example, “maybe I’m too controlling by making him go to therapy to address his traumas” “he feels like he can’t do anything he wants because it may upset me” “he struggles to communicate because he feels like I’m trying to change him”. I don’t see a problem with her in these situations, the guy has made mistakes, an apology doesn’t dismiss the action especially if it

None of these things are any of your business. You are not her friend. You love her. She shouldn’t be telling you all this. If she’s not ready to divorce to be with you, she better not string you along. It’s not healthy and it doesn’t help you move on. I suggest you take your distance from now on. You tell her you aren’t supposed to hear about her married couple and that you prefer stop communication as it doesn’t help you it any way. 

[smackie9]

She has lied incessantly through out a marriage, and minimizes infidelity...so what makes you think she hasn't been blowing smoke up yer butt just to keep you clinging onto her for all these years. She's a user/manipulator/liar. Harsh yes sorry for that but you need to hear it. Take off those rose colored glasses. You love her, she says friendship whenever it's on her terms. She's mirrors you and uses it like a carrot on a stick. She doesn't feel the same way or you would be together and that's the reality of it. You have lost so much time not meeting the right person because your focus has been on her/her on the back of your mind. Time to cut the cord and really move on with your life.

[Sindy_0311]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She has lied incessantly through out a marriage, and minimizes infidelity...so what makes you think she hasn't been blowing smoke up yer butt just to keep you clinging onto her for all these years. She's a user/manipulator/liar. Harsh yes sorry for that but you need to hear it. Take off those rose colored glasses. You love her, she says friendship whenever it's on her terms. She's mirrors you and uses it like a carrot on a stick. She doesn't feel the same way or you would be together and that's the reality of it. You have lost so much time not meeting the right person because your focus has been on her/her on the back of your mind. Time to cut the cord and really move on with your life.

Completely agree. But to that, I would add, reach out one last time. make it clear that you are moving on because you have feelings for her and are no longer willing to entertain this “friendship”. So she nows where you stand and in case she really has feelings for you she can take action on it. Also if you tell her that instead of just disappearing you will have it clear. And won’t regret or wonder the “what if I just told her once again… “ 

[Wizdumb]

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She has lied incessantly through out a marriage, and minimizes infidelity...so what makes you think she hasn't been blowing smoke up yer butt just to keep you clinging onto her for all these years. She's a user/manipulator/liar. Harsh yes sorry for that but you need to hear it. Take off those rose colored glasses. You love her, she says friendship whenever it's on her terms. She's mirrors you and uses it like a carrot on a stick. She doesn't feel the same way or you would be together and that's the reality of it. You have lost so much time not meeting the right person because your focus has been on her/her on the back of your mind. Time to cut the cord and really move on with your life.

I appreciate your opinion. I could never be mad at the “harsh truth” it’s way better than a soft lie. Hate when people beat around the bush, tell me how you really feel.

[Starlight925]

OK you want harsh truth?  You got it.  😃

You are professing your love for an unavailable woman, while you say (your own words), that you could have "anybody".

You don't want anybody.  You say you could have anybody, yet the only person you say that you want is unavailable.

She isn't just unavailable in a physical sense.  She's unavailable emotionally.  She's unavailable in a time sense, having a young child.  You know this.  You hang on to this romantic notion, but the practical side of being in a relationship like this isn't reality, and you know it.  Which is precisely why you hang on.

You could go on bumble and get likes all day from pretty, nice, available girls.  Maybe you already do.  But you brush aside anyone truly available to wait for your "one twuuuu love".

The harshest truth of all?  You're more unavailable than she is.

[Wizdumb]

4 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

OK you want harsh truth?  You got it.  😃

You are professing your love for an unavailable woman, while you say (your own words), that you could have "anybody".

You don't want anybody.  You say you could have anybody, yet the only person you say that you want is unavailable.

She isn't just unavailable in a physical sense.  She's unavailable emotionally.  She's unavailable in a time sense, having a young child.  You know this.  You hang on to this romantic notion, but the practical side of being in a relationship like this isn't reality, and you know it.  Which is precisely why you hang on.

You could go on bumble and get likes all day from pretty, nice, available girls.  Maybe you already do.  But you brush aside anyone truly available to wait for your "one twuuuu love".

The harshest truth of all?  You're more unavailable than she is.

Damn 🤒.