My boyfriend watched a specific pornstar and I feel betrayed by that

[hannarivers]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's true. So you'll need a 2 pronged approach to work on reducing this trigger reaction at work and other places, as well as avoiding avoidable triggers such as living with someone who triggers you.

In one thing I wont argue with anyone. And it is leaving. As I said, family dont leave. An he is my family. We created a life where we learnt so much, and gave so much love. I want to work on the trauma, not him. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 I want to work on the trauma, not him. 

Exactly. Just like you can't tell your employer or the general public how to walk on eggshells to avoid your triggers, you can't control his behavior to avoid your triggers.

[hannarivers]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. Just like you can't tell your employer or the general public how to walk on eggshells to avoid your triggers, you can't control his behavior to avoid your triggers.

And this is why I came here for help:) Sometimes you find a shoe that is almost perfect for you. It is in the right color, your favorite style, it will be great for every day use, and the price is a pretty good deal too. Only one problem, the size wasnt seemless when you got home and tried it on. You know if you wear it for a month, it will be perfect, you just have to hang on until that. This is how I feel about him. I love him with all my heart, I love my life with him, and even his bad habits, like his white lies. This is the only mistake he made, and I want to be the one who adapts to him. As a great reply came in "he wasnt mature enough to say he didnt agree with my boundary, so he rather lied to please me". But he will mature, he wont be forever a 24 year old boy who never had a gf, and I wont forever be a girl who is so insecure. I want to grow and mature with him. I want to adapt, and I want to have a thicker skin, on which a pornstar cannot cut through. But I need advice on how to manage my perspective and triggers. 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. Just like you can't tell your employer or the general public how to walk on eggshells to avoid your triggers, you can't control his behavior to avoid your triggers.

Yes certain people do leave or decrease contact with a family member who triggers them for sure. And he is not your family, he is not your spouse, you don't have children together.  Certainly you can feel like he's family -certain of my close friends I feel that way about.  And if my close friend triggered me I would leave until I could resolve the triggers or greatly limit contact.  I've done that with toxic friends. 

You're violating his privacy and interrogating him and treating him like he's constantly guilty or about to be. That's the opposite of caring and it's the opposite of caring for a family member.  You seem more intense and focused on this porn star than your boyfriend is/was.  It's not fair to him or to you.  Separate and create space and distance and work on your own issues and if you care about him "like family" you'll find a way to get resources and therapy.

These are avoidable triggers.  You also wouldn't work at a place where you were triggered this much so you couldn't do a good job. In your interactions with your boyfriend you're triggered so much you're not doing a good job of being a supportive and caring partner. 

I have to participate in a half hour non-work related phone meeting tomorrow with my husband and two other people -a business matter- where I already know I'm going to feel like I'm losing patience.  I don't want to lose patience.  I cannot avoid this call. 

So my husband and I worked it out in advance -he is calmer about the situation so he will take the lead, I will be polite/say as little as possible and we will inform the participants if they ask questions that we will have to think about it and will get back to them -again to ratchet down any stress/tension.  We planned this -for a half hour call -so that I can provide a polite impression to these people and my husband can do the heavier lifting of interacting with them.  That's called life and adulting. 

You already know your triggers.  Just like in my example (which obviously requires less work than in your situation), make a plan where you minimize -preventatively -exposure.  In your situation since you are acting out and lashing out and mistreating your boyfriend who you say you care about so much -show you care by planning to move out, live separately and perhaps date once or twice a week and when you feel on solid ground with your triggers ease back in. 

You are not showing you care at this point -you're staying because you don't want to put in the effort to create distance so he is treated fairly and with respect.  You're making the passive excuses of "but it's been 2.5 years" and "you don't leave family." I have a son.  I would never treat him -my family - as if he was one of those "boys" who choose their private parts over common sense, doing the right thing, being a good person.

It's not fair of you to regard him as a 24 year old boy and expect him to "change" and you're not "adapting" -you're acting immaturely by violating his privacy. 

My friend's daughter is married to a 27 year old man for 8 years now.  They have 3 sons.  He has his own business and she was his first girlfriend from all we know -they met as teenagers.  They have 3 boys. He is a man not a boy.  He is a good parent and hard worker and provides for his family. 

My father's first serious girlfriend was my mother and they met when he was 19.  My high school friend met her husband when they were teens, married in their early 20s and that was in 1987 -they're happily married. My parents were married 62 years starting at age 21 and 23.

My parents -and my friend -started being mature adults when they became adults. Don't date 24 year olds who you regard as a boy and who has to grow into a man under your tutelage where you treat him as some rebellious teenager whose devices have to be monitored.  Or some caricature of a mom who interrogates her kids.  That's not love.

[Jaunty]

6 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 I want to adapt, and I want to have a thicker skin, on which a pornstar cannot cut through. But I need advice on how to manage my perspective and triggers. 

No pornstar is cutting through anything.  You are courting all of this mess and actively fueling it.  Your behavior needs to change, and AFTER that behavior change (only YOUR behavior, not the man's, not men in general) you can probably BEGIN to do some serious work on your triggers.

If you can't / won't change your behavior, you will not be able to become a person capable of having the kind of relationship you describe and that you want.

Your analogy of the "almost perfect" shoe:  Re read what you wrote.  It hinges 100% on the freaking SHOE changing.   It doesn't fit, but wearing it for a month or whatever will stretch it out and then it will be perfect for you.

People aren't like that.  YOU will need to make some very significant changes.  So far you don't seem to even touch this. 

[hannarivers]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes certain people do leave or decrease contact with a family member who triggers them for sure. And he is not your family, he is not your spouse, you don't have children together.  Certainly you can feel like he's family -certain of my close friends I feel that way about.  And if my close friend triggered me I would leave until I could resolve the triggers or greatly limit contact.  I've done that with toxic friends. 

You're violating his privacy and interrogating him and treating him like he's constantly guilty or about to be. That's the opposite of caring and it's the opposite of caring for a family member.  You seem more intense and focused on this porn star than your boyfriend is/was.  It's not fair to him or to you.  Separate and create space and distance and work on your own issues and if you care about him "like family" you'll find a way to get resources and therapy.

These are avoidable triggers.  You also wouldn't work at a place where you were triggered this much so you couldn't do a good job. In your interactions with your boyfriend you're triggered so much you're not doing a good job of being a supportive and caring partner. 

I have to participate in a half hour non-work related phone meeting tomorrow with my husband and two other people -a business matter- where I already know I'm going to feel like I'm losing patience.  I don't want to lose patience.  I cannot avoid this call. 

So my husband and I worked it out in advance -he is calmer about the situation so he will take the lead, I will be polite/say as little as possible and we will inform the participants if they ask questions that we will have to think about it and will get back to them -again to ratchet down any stress/tension.  We planned this -for a half hour call -so that I can provide a polite impression to these people and my husband can do the heavier lifting of interacting with them.  That's called life and adulting. 

You already know your triggers.  Just like in my example (which obviously requires less work than in your situation), make a plan where you minimize -preventatively -exposure.  In your situation since you are acting out and lashing out and mistreating your boyfriend who you say you care about so much -show you care by planning to move out, live separately and perhaps date once or twice a week and when you feel on solid ground with your triggers ease back in. 

You are not showing you care at this point -you're staying because you don't want to put in the effort to create distance so he is treated fairly and with respect.  You're making the passive excuses of "but it's been 2.5 years" and "you don't leave family." I have a son.  I would never treat him -my family - as if he was one of those "boys" who choose their private parts over common sense, doing the right thing, being a good person.

It's not fair of you to regard him as a 24 year old boy and expect him to "change" and you're not "adapting" -you're acting immaturely by violating his privacy. 

My friend's daughter is married to a 27 year old man for 8 years now.  They have 3 sons.  He has his own business and she was his first girlfriend from all we know -they met as teenagers.  They have 3 boys. He is a man not a boy.  He is a good parent and hard worker and provides for his family. 

My father's first serious girlfriend was my mother and they met when he was 19.  My high school friend met her husband when they were teens, married in their early 20s and that was in 1987 -they're happily married. My parents were married 62 years starting at age 21 and 23.

My parents -and my friend -started being mature adults when they became adults. Don't date 24 year olds who you regard as a boy and who has to grow into a man under your tutelage where you treat him as some rebellious teenager whose devices have to be monitored.  Or some caricature of a mom who interrogates her kids.  That's not love.

You dont seem to understand me. I said I want to adapt. Which means I want to accept him and his rutines. Because I care about him. 

[hannarivers]

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

No pornstar is cutting through anything.  You are courting all of this mess and actively fueling it.  Your behavior needs to change, and AFTER that behavior change (only YOUR behavior, not the man's, not men in general) you can probably BEGIN to do some serious work on your triggers.

If you can't / won't change your behavior, you will not be able to become a person capable of having the kind of relationship you describe and that you want.

Your analogy of the "almost perfect" shoe:  Re read what you wrote.  It hinges 100% on the freaking SHOE changing.   It doesn't fit, but wearing it for a month or whatever will stretch it out and then it will be perfect for you.

People aren't like that.  YOU will need to make some very significant changes.  So far you don't seem to even touch this. 

I am thankful, but you guys say the same thing again. I came to get advice on how to change my behaviour and thinking, so I can move on and overcome my triggers - so we can have a good relationship 

[Jaunty]

6 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

You dont seem to understand me. I said I want to adapt. Which means I want to accept him and his rutines. Because I care about him. 

But earlier you said that you need help to not find him "disgusting and maniac."  

That's extreme.

And you are NOT changing your behaviors; you're still ruminating like crazy about your guy's behavior - and extrapolating it to "how men are."  Erroneously.  

There is no way you can just turn this off.  You might repress it and pretend like everything is ok, for a while.  Same as you can when your shoe hurts and you just try to ignore it.  It's not going to get "okay."  

Your response to his behavior has damaged the relationship already.   

[hannarivers]

41 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

But earlier you said that you need help to not find him "disgusting and maniac."  

That's extreme.

And you are NOT changing your behaviors; you're still ruminating like crazy about your guy's behavior - and extrapolating it to "how men are."  Erroneously.  

There is no way you can just turn this off.  You might repress it and pretend like everything is ok, for a while.  Same as you can when your shoe hurts and you just try to ignore it.  It's not going to get "okay."  

Your response to his behavior has damaged the relationship already.   

I dont want to just turn this off. I have time. I have weeks and months to slowly change. And he has the right to stay while I do that, if he wants to. As far as it seems, he does want to stay and hope for the process. I wont push my love away if he willingly chose to stay by my side. To be exact, we agreed on a 6 month "trial". If we can solve our problems, or at least make a bit of progress in that time, we are meant to be. And I believe I can make progress in that much time. The reason behind me not making any progress in 3 months already, is that I was still trying to find stuff and ripping the scar open. Now you opened my eyes with a few good replies. So now I think I could make faster and better progress 

[Jaunty]

10 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

The reason behind me not making any progress in 3 months already, is that I was still trying to find stuff and ripping the scar open. Now you opened my eyes with a few good replies. So now I think I could make faster and better progress 

What do you mean "good replies"?  Or "better progress"?  You're still obsessed.

 

[hannarivers]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

What do you mean "good replies"?  Or "better progress"?  You're still obsessed.

 

By good replies, I meant the ones that were so simply stating the facts about me, I could understand them well. 

By better progress... In 3 months, I didnt make any, because I just ripped more and more peaces out of my heart by searching infofmation about the past. I can make better progress now, that I understood these things : Having a fantasy is not as serious as I thought. Him watching the same thing multiple times does not mean he is into her. I am insecure and this hurts as bad as it does because I only value myself for my appearance. He lied because (and I think it was you who said this, not sure) he wasnt experienced enough to tell me he didnt like my boundary, so he just pleased me by doing it in secret. I was controlling because instead of asking him what he tought of not watching porn, I gave him an order. 

Now that I get these things, it is relatively easier to make progress 

 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, hannarivers said:

You dont seem to understand me. I said I want to adapt. Which means I want to accept him and his rutines. Because I care about him. 

Yes so are you going to stop checking his devices and asking him questions about porn? Are you going to stop restricting when he chooses to masturbate? Are you comfortable with his choice to view porn?

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I was controlling because instead of asking him what he tought of not watching porn, I gave him an order. 

Is this because you're also not experienced or mature enough to communicate in a reasonable way with an adult you're in a relationship with?

[hannarivers]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Is this because you're also not experienced or mature enough to communicate in a reasonable way with an adult you're in a relationship with?

Yeah, I was not. 

And I do stop checking. But I am also inexperienced to know how to trust. I dont know how to trust someone that they are not more attracted to porn than me. I know there are women more attractive than me. I quite dont feel more worthy to be desired than a perfectly staged sexual creature, who is a pornstar

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Yeah, I was not. 

And I do stop checking. But I am also inexperienced to know how to trust. I dont know how to trust someone that they are not more attracted to porn than me. I know there are women more attractive than me. I quite dont feel more worthy to be desired than a perfectly staged sexual creature, who is a pornstar

But you do know how to act like you do. Fake it till you make it.  If that is how you feel do not date this guy unless you can act as if you trust him and treat him respectfully and like an adult.  If you choose to react to your notions about porn stars by the behavior you described, that is not caring or loving behavior -it's the opposite.  So what I would do is fake it till you make it by reacting to your fears by refusing to act in a controlling way, making yourself not look at any of his devices.  Then with therapy if you can get to the root of these notions of yours and find a way to shift your mindset then the other piece will fall into place.  You do know how to act like you trust him.  You do know how to choose how to react to your irrational delusions. Making that choice isn't easy and requires practice.  If you love and care for him you will show it by doing it.

[hannarivers]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you do know how to act like you do. Fake it till you make it.  If that is how you feel do not date this guy unless you can act as if you trust him and treat him respectfully and like an adult.  If you choose to react to your notions about porn stars by the behavior you described, that is not caring or loving behavior -it's the opposite.  So what I would do is fake it till you make it by reacting to your fears by refusing to act in a controlling way, making yourself not look at any of his devices.  Then with therapy if you can get to the root of these notions of yours and find a way to shift your mindset then the other piece will fall into place.  You do know how to act like you trust him.  You do know how to choose how to react to your irrational delusions. Making that choice isn't easy and requires practice.  If you love and care for him you will show it by doing it.

Thank you. Do you have an advice on what I should tell myself when I get thoughts like "he fancied her more than me" or "he just downgraded his expectations by dating me, because I will never be like those visually pleasing, faking hoes" ? Because these thoughts are exhausting 

[Batya33]

50 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Thank you. Do you have an advice on what I should tell myself when I get thoughts like "he fancied her more than me" or "he just downgraded his expectations by dating me, because I will never be like those visually pleasing, faking hoes" ? Because these thoughts are exhausting 

I manage they must be!  I had similar exhausting thoughts when I had emetophobia.  I get it. You have to come up with rituals and mantras and redirecting activities that permit those irrational thoughts to exist and you choose to react by going into your tool box and choosing a method. I have to do that to be a good parent when I feel like I’m losing patience. Or when I start to worry about the small stuff.

also do you truly think your boyfriend is that focused on physical looks as a measure of a person’s value ??  Is he into arm candy and does he think that people who look a certain way are more of a prize because of their looks?? Do you ??

[boltnrun]

What do you feel you bring to your relationship besides how you look? Are you intelligent? Funny? Fun to be around? A great conversationalist? Loyal? Compassionate? Supportive? Educated? Inquisitive? Adventurous?

[hannarivers]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What do you feel you bring to your relationship besides how you look? Are you intelligent? Funny? Fun to be around? A great conversationalist? Loyal? Compassionate? Supportive? Educated? Inquisitive? Adventurous?

I am truly loyal. Loyalty makes me happy, I feel good and proud when I dont care about a person who I would say yes to, if I were single. Feels good that I always choose my partner and I would never betray them like this. People say Im funny, and I can make basicly every one laugh. I love to try things that my partner loves. It never was triring for me to do something he wants to do. I am caring, and I love to take care of him, feeding him, cutting his hair, buying him things he needs but would never buy. Taking care of our home feels good, I feel useful. But it I am honest, I dont like me, and I find myself quite unlovable because of all the baggage I have in my soul

[boltnrun]

You didn't name any traits other than loyal or caring or funny. So let me ask you...why do you think your boyfriend chose you? What do you believe he loves about you?

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

 I love to take care of him, feeding him, cutting his hair, buying him things he needs but would never buy. Taking care of our home feels good, I feel useful. But it I am honest, I dont like me, and I find myself quite unlovable 

Try to discontinue overinvesting and mothering. It can feel suffocating. Focus on your own life, work, interests, friends and family more. 

Do you work full time? Have health insurance? A physician can evaluate and treat obsessions and anxiety. In fact it's probably better if you add medical treatment to just therapy once a month. There are medications available that help these types of shortcircuits.

Also review your lifestyle. Instead of mothering and infantilizing him, join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. 

That could also help relieve this laser focus on him. It would also be more productive than patrolling his devices.

It's a win-win situation. You'll feel better about yourself and he won't feel like he's under a microscope.

[Batya33]

Do you truly feel that your bf would trade you in if he met someone who was more attractive/sexier looking than you by some objective standard and who told him she wanted him to ? Would that sway him to leave you? At all ?? I’ve never ever even considered that about my husband.   Not when we were dating and not now. I’ve never ever considered leaving him or being at all tempted to because a man who was better looking than him and also had all his “pluses” came along and wanted me. Never ever.  

And I know for sure that there are many men and women out there who are much better looking than us. Much. And we’re cute and make a cute couple- I’m reasonably attractive and fit looking and he’s cute and handsome. None of that reality has anything to do with my being committed to him.  

I didn’t settle at all. If I’d been concerned I could be really tempted by a man who was better looking than him - like tempted enough to have it be distracting in any real way - I’d not have married him.

And I wouldn’t have wanted him to marry me if he seemed to be settling for what I looked like. Especially since right before we got engaged I gained around 10-15 pounds. That’s a lot in a petite woman.  
 

Cause I was pregnant. Can you imagine how sick I’d have felt if I believed my partner might be that into a sexy porn star or real person while I was starting to get my baby bump and my face was a little heavier ??

 

I’d never have been with a man who was that focused on looks and comparing looks that I’d be worried he might go for that woman because she looked sexier than me. And could have more sex maybe. I was pretty darn tired that first-second trimester !

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You didn't name any traits other than loyal or caring or funny. So let me ask you...why do you think your boyfriend chose you? What do you believe he loves about you?

I dont understand. Now I should feel bad because I am unlovable? We literally talked miles about me being insecure, why would I know the reasons I am lovable for? 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Do you truly feel that your bf would trade you in if he met someone who was more attractive/sexier looking than you by some objective standard and who told him she wanted him to ? Would that sway him to leave you? At all ?? I’ve never ever even considered that about my husband.   Not when we were dating and not now. I’ve never ever considered leaving him or being at all tempted to because a man who was better looking than him and also had all his “pluses” came along and wanted me. Never ever.  

And I know for sure that there are many men and women out there who are much better looking than us. Much. And we’re cute and make a cute couple- I’m reasonably attractive and fit looking and he’s cute and handsome. None of that reality has anything to do with my being committed to him.  

I didn’t settle at all. If I’d been concerned I could be really tempted by a man who was better looking than him - like tempted enough to have it be distracting in any real way - I’d not have married him.

And I wouldn’t have wanted him to marry me if he seemed to be settling for what I looked like. Especially since right before we got engaged I gained around 10-15 pounds. That’s a lot in a petite woman.  
 

Cause I was pregnant. Can you imagine how sick I’d have felt if I believed my partner might be that into a sexy porn star or real person while I was starting to get my baby bump and my face was a little heavier ??

 

I’d never have been with a man who was that focused on looks and comparing looks that I’d be worried he might go for that woman because she looked sexier than me. And could have more sex maybe. I was pretty darn tired that first-second trimester !

No, I dont truly believe that 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to discontinue overinvesting and mothering. It can feel suffocating. Focus on your own life, work, interests, friends and family more. 

Do you work full time? Have health insurance? A physician can evaluate and treat obsessions and anxiety. In fact it's probably better if you add medical treatment to just therapy once a month. There are medications available that help these types of shortcircuits.

Also review your lifestyle. Instead of mothering and infantilizing him, join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. 

That could also help relieve this laser focus on him. It would also be more productive than patrolling his devices.

It's a win-win situation. You'll feel better about yourself and he won't feel like he's under a microscope.

I would not be mothering if caring wouldnt be his love language. I feel loved by words, he feels loved by taken care of