My girlfriend spends time with her ex’s guy best friend and his friends who have supposedly become her friends after his passing away and it’s botheri

[Pr33_X]

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 5 months now and we’ve know each for almost a year, we met at work she came in for her training for 4 months and we kinda hit it off and started to like each but both agreed once she completes her training we will take things further as we didn’t want to date at work. 

We talked basically everyday through text and at work but the week after she finished her training I asked to take her out and she says she doesn’t think she’s ready for anything serious and needs to time to find herself first but she still wanted to take things slow and talk so as upset as that made me feel I respected it and stuck around until our communication just kinda started dying down. 

One she rung me up and told me she tried to stop two of her guy friends fighting and one of them hit her as she tried stopping them. She then claimed she feels horrible about the way I was slowly ghosted and didn’t have much communication and said she’s realised she feels more comfortable and safe with me and wants to takes things further and me giving her the benefit of the doubt and the fact I really like her agreed take take things further. 

 

So were basically one month in into our relationship and one day she came to stay over at mine after finishing her nightshift and she got a call the next morning from one of her friends saying that her ex killed himself, this absolutely shattered her because he was the last person he had messaged. She said they’ve been talking all night because he texted her saying he was going to kill himself so she tried getting him go home and tried to talk some sense into and said he finally told her he’s home but it was lie and he ended up taking his own life, she said she feels guiltily for his death and blames herself for it and I did everything i could to support her through this and have been there for her. 

 

Now straight after this happened I started to put together puzzles and figured out the time that I got ghosted or got told “I’m not ready for anything serious and need to find myself” she has been spending time with him. She then told me this guy was her ex who she still hung out with because he was depressed and she was trying help him get through this. She told me she felt stuck with him because he was manipulative and treated her like *** and always voiced about suicide and claimed he was horrible to her but she still cared for him because he wasn’t well and this was the same guy that hit her when she tried to stop the fight. My girlfriends a people pleaser and she’s had a traumatic childhood herself so she feels the need to help everyone. 

 

Fast forward to 4 months after his death, there are days where she gets depressed and sad about him and she spends time with his friends which have become her friends too and I guess it’s a way for them to all vent and reminisce over him, but she sometimes spends time with his best friends too and goes over to his house where her ex used to live too. I do try be there for her and I can sense the days she’s not feeling well but she wouldn’t express fully what she’s sad about because she doesn’t want to bring it up infront of me and make me upset that’s she’s talking about her ex but all I want to be is just be there for her. 

 

Now after finding everything out about her ex which I only came to know off after he died, this made me heavily upset because I somewhat felt played at the start of this even though she said she felt stuck with him. Obviously I waited until things settled abit to bring this up and tell her how I felt and she again she said it wasn’t right what she and again said she just felt stuck with him. 

 

Now this was all overwhelming for me because this was my first relationship in a couple of years so I don’t really know how to handle this all and as much as I’m always there for her no matter what deep down it bothers me that she goes over and spends time with his friends and sometimes stays there overnight if they are all having drinks or something. I have expressed this to her and she did say it’s a way for them to all be together and reminisce about him which I understand but she said she can stop staying there if that makes it better. These people have become one of her regular friends now. 

 

My girlfriend does make time for me and we spent time together a lot and she said loved me and she wants a future with me. But I don’t know why it upsets me whenever she spends time with them and I know it’s wrong for me to think think that and makes me sound like a coward but I can’t seem to stop this feeling or know how to handle it. She said this has deeply affected her and will affect her for the rest of her life as she blames herself and thinks she could’ve done more to save his life and especially her being the last person he talked when he killed himself. 

 

I feel as if I’m overthinking this too much and I should learn to control these emotions because I can’t tell her to stop going there that’s not fair on her as that help so her grieve and I don’t want to be that type of boyfriend. Just feel abit lost right now. 

 

[Jibralta]

34 minutes ago, Pr33_X said:

I feel as if I’m overthinking this too much and I should learn to control these emotions because I can’t tell her to stop going there that’s not fair on her as that help so her grieve and I don’t want to be that type of boyfriend. Just feel abit lost right now. 

I understand your feelings. But given the fact that this is a recent trauma and fresh grief, it's probably not the best time to be in a relationship with her. Of course, it would also suck if you broke up with her at this moment.... tough spot to be in!

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Pr33_X said:

  I got ghosted or got told “I’m not ready for anything serious and need to find myself”. it bothers me that she goes over and spends time with his friends and sometimes stays there overnight if they are all having drinks or something. 

Sorry this is happening.  She's not in a place to have a relationship right now. It's only been a few months and already there's deception, drama, distrust and dissatisfaction.

While you're trying to be compassionate and understanding, there's no reason for her to be partying and sleeping over with these friends. Step way back and reconsider if this level of drama is simply too much.

 

[Lambert]

19 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I understand your feelings. But given the fact that this is a recent trauma and fresh grief, it's probably not the best time to be in a relationship with her. Of course, it would also suck if you broke up with her at this moment.... tough spot to be in!

Considering I agree with all of the above, I don't think you have to stay in a relationship because she's understandably having a hard time. 

I would talk to her and let her know that I think she needs more time for herself to cope with all of this and maybe in time if you're both single, you can try again.  

It's not her, it's not you,  it's the situation.  The pressure she feels and your feelings and needs not being met can't be sustained.

You can end things with kindness knowing that it's really the best thing, although sad. 

[Kwothe28]

Your girlfriend is grieving. Which is a normal thing for somebody who did go through trauma. Its a hard thing to overpass as she blames herself as she was probably last who spoke to him. 

However, that means she needs therapy. Hanging out with a bunch of men and getting drunk, and sometimes doing sleepovers, is not that. And you shouldnt ever be OK with something like that. No matter what the occassion is. Its disrespectful to you that your girlfriend is getting drunk and doing sleepovers with other men. You shouldnt be silent over that kind of behavior no matter the reason for that. She can find more healthier ways to deal with trauma then getting drunk and sleeping with other men around. 

[smackie9]

In her state, she's nowhere near ready emotionally to give you the relationship you want. You did get played in a way....she's trying to survive this, so she's gonna hang onto whatever she can. BUT you are not her therapist. That isn't your job as her BF. There are times you have to think of yourself too. You never signed up for this. She is doing things you don't feel comfortable with. I would let her go, and let her grieve whatever way she wants. It could take months to years before she's over this. Her life is changing...she needs to figure this out on her own but not sucking up your valuable time over it. You have so very little invested so it would do you both to go your own ways, or just be friends.

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Pr33_X said:

She told me she felt stuck with him because he was manipulative and treated her like *** and always voiced about suicide and claimed he was horrible to her but she still cared for him because he wasn’t well and this was the same guy that hit her when she tried to stop the fight. My girlfriends a people pleaser and she’s had a traumatic childhood herself so she feels the need to help everyone. 

 

Fast forward to 4 months after his death, there are days where she gets depressed and sad about him and she spends time with his friends which have become her friends too and I guess it’s a way for them to all vent and reminisce over him, but she sometimes spends time with his best friends too and goes over to his house where her ex used to live too. I do try be there for her and I can sense the days she’s not feeling well but she wouldn’t express fully what she’s sad about because she doesn’t want to bring it up infront of me and make me upset that’s she’s talking about her ex but all I want to be is just be there for her. 

You can't change the fact that she has these 'friends'. That's just a part of her.

BUT, you can try to realize she's got way tooo much going on and has no room for you 😕 . She is still stuck on him & her past with him and is not emotionally available for you ( or a new relationship).

I feel is best for your own mentality to get out of this, totally.  Or this will just continue to drag you down. 

 

7 hours ago, Pr33_X said:

My girlfriend does make time for me and we spent time together a lot and she said loved me and she wants a future with me. But I don’t know why it upsets me whenever she spends time with them and I know it’s wrong for me to think think that and makes me sound like a coward but I can’t seem to stop this feeling or know how to handle it.

I don't believe this.  She is far from being 'able' to love anyone while she's still struggling so much over her ex, I'd suggest she seek some therapy in order to work on her Grief. 😞 

Again, I feel it's best you step out of the picture and let her deal with this on her own. not just use you as her emotional pillow.