Before first meet up.. is this a red flag

[crazycatlady80]

Thank you for the replies everyone.. 

Yes it has killed it for me now to be honest, if I bump into him on Saturday I will of course be civil but the remark has put me off.. 

Also in response to the the thing about accepting drinks off strangers - I totally agree and wouldn't have taken a drink unless it was unopened/sealed.

[Batya33]

Good for you. I liked TinyDance's point about random messages on social media.  I ended up blocking a man who did just that -looked like we had mutual friends, also looked like he was engaged- so off the bat I asked him if we knew each other in real life (I wouldn't want to block someone who worked at my office) - and when I didn't get a response to that that made sense I simply said I don't message with men I don't know unless my husband does.  Response was "Hi.".  Blocked, and re-blocked when he contacted me again from a different profile.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, crazycatlady80 said:

 I get a random message on a music streaming app 

This, along with the drink remark makes it seem like a long shot that this will be anything but a headache.

[savignon]

I think you're making a great choice by passing this one by.  I think it can be hard to listen to our gut sometimes because we want to be wrong.  Just chiming in to commend you for following your instincts.  Good for you!  You're 'telling the universe' (so to speak) that you won't settle.  If you believe in that kind of thing, you're already manifesting something better!  One-up yourself by not bumping into him! 😉

[Sindy_0311]

12 hours ago, savignon said:

 You're 'telling the universe' (so to speak) that you won't settle.  If you believe in that kind of thing, you're already manifesting something better!  One-up yourself by not bumping into him! 😉

I think this is the key. We should never settle. What is unacceptable for you might be ok for others and vice versa. But by sticking to your expectations and boundaries you fill find someone who has the same values and respect. 
I had a first meet yesterday night and met a guy, good looking, interesting, interested, but he did something that completely turned me off. We were in a bar, talking, there was some noise and I didn’t get something he said, he then approached his mouth to my ear and repeated it louder. He didn’t really shout in my ear but still it was uncomfortable and and I didn’t appreciate. Just this detail was a turn off for me. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I think this is the key. We should never settle. What is unacceptable for you might be ok for others and vice versa. But by sticking to your expectations and boundaries you fill find someone who has the same values and respect. 
I had a first meet yesterday night and met a guy, good looking, interesting, interested, but he did something that completely turned me off. We were in a bar, talking, there was some noise and I didn’t get something he said, he then approached his mouth to my ear and repeated it louder. He didn’t really shout in my ear but still it was uncomfortable and and I didn’t appreciate. Just this detail was a turn off for me. 

What would you have preferred he do instead? Certainly if you want someone who would not get that close to you on the first meet totally fine - no one is required to date someone or continue a date.  I cut two dates extra short -first meets -when I was meeting people.  The first guy showed up in unkempt/dirty clothing -and we'd decided on a really nice bar for a drink. I knew I would never enter the bar with him dressed like that -also seemed stoned -anyway I took him downstairs (this was in a building) to a book store that had tables and a cafe.  I kept the date to 20 minutes, made excuses and left. 

The second time I met someone at a cafe and he was obviously uninterested in speaking with me at all.  We each paid for our own bottle of water and after a few minutes I told him I had to go, we walked out together, one block then I said goodbye and pointed to the direction I was going to go.  Alone.  No regrets.  Others might have tried to draw him out or with guy number one would have made excuses for his appearance and choice of clothing.  Totally fine for them.  And fine for you not to want someone to repeat something by using that approach!

[Sindy_0311]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I knew I would never enter the bar with him dressed like that 

😂sounds harsh! 
 

the issue is not with him approaching my ear to repeat, what bothered me is he almost shout in my ear. It surprised me in an unpleasant way. He also was very flirty since the beginning, touching my leg, my hand, my arm while speaking. I do like confident guys but this one seemed to comfortable from the start. He texted me today saying he had a great time and is looking forward to see me again. I don’t know yet if I will. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

😂sounds harsh! 
 

the issue is not with him approaching my ear to repeat, what bothered me is he almost shout in my ear. It surprised me in an unpleasant way. He also was very flirty since the beginning, touching my leg, my hand, my arm while speaking. I do like confident guys but this one seemed to comfortable from the start. He texted me today saying he had a great time and is looking forward to see me again. I don’t know yet if I will. 

I don't think that sort of touching is consistent with healthy confidence.  It might be consistent with arrogance. Good for you for noticing that and your reaction! 

I don't think I acted harshly at all . He knew where we were going - a nice bar/restaurant for a drink.  I knew he wasn't dressed appropriately and looked unkempt and unclean.  The bookstore with tables to sit and have coffee was better because it was self-service.  I think it's rude to put no effort into preparing for a date -or any kind of meeting with a new person -and not put in an effort to dress appropriately.  I always did.  

[boltnrun]

@Batya33 He may have been one of those "Why should I change who I am for someone, she should accept me the way I am!!!" people 😆

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

@Batya33 He may have been one of those "Why should I change who I am for someone, she should accept me the way I am!!!" people 😆

Sure - maybe -and I reacted in the same way -I am a person who is not going to enter a nice restaurant with someone dressed that way and subject them to a hard working waiter or waitress lol.  😉

[eastcoastgal]

Sounds like his attempt at being funny, and he may not have meant anything by it. texting is the absolute worst way to convey humour. so many things are taken out of context. was there an emoji after it? I would say he has a poor sense of humour but harmless.... but look for more red flags.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

Sounds like his attempt at being funny, and he may not have meant anything by it. texting is the absolute worst way to convey humour. so many things are taken out of context. was there an emoji after it? I would say he has a poor sense of humour but harmless.... but look for more red flags.

I think it's really poor judgment to make a joke like that with a stranger you're interested in meeting for a date.  For that sort of joke I think you have to have met the person and know their sense of humor much better.  It's a sensitive topic in dating.