Husband [32] accuses me [28] of nagging him; now wants to be left alone

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, felurian said:

Maybe I’m asking for too much. 

No, but you are asking for it from the wrong man. 

Your husband is not that man, and never will be. Marriage counselling isn't going to change that, so I personally wouldn't waste your time or money there. 

You will find peace only when you try to stop shoving a square peg into a round hole, and let go of what has never really worked well. 

[felurian]

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Yes exactly 

I caught him ONCE before marriage. Second time was recently during the marriage. 

[Jaunty]

I was rooting for marriage counseling earlier but now I believe that it would be a waste of time, unless it can help forge a path for a peaceful dissolution of the marriage.

OP your general tone is that you need help to convince your husband to come around to behaving the way you want him to.   So far you have rarely mentioned anything that would be on you to contribute in order to get this marriage on track, aside from once you said you wanted to learn to "hear him" more / better.  

No counseling is going to achieve that.

I don't want to beat you up about this but the real core truth is that your relationship never had any solid footing, you got married under some duress, all the issues were in full swing before the marriage and they have just kept rolling along.  I don't think you can "fix" something that was not ever right.   I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Skyscrappers]

I know alot of people say Leave and Dump the marriage i wont suggest that

.. there is no body without issues so whether you like it or not, who ever you eventually meet will have his own issues too. But you should have a  BOUNDARY....... i support that..... when crossed that should be a deal breaker.

However, going by your message and his reply... here is my 2 cents. 

I feel you have a drop of Alpha traits in you. ( controlling and aggressive a little bit bossy) it is not a bad thing only when used the right way. 
I once dated a girl who was like you, it caused a lot of issues with us. She is sweet and all that but those attributes where a big problem.... she worked on herself after a break and she changed for good. 

Most Men dont like bossy women...... it makes some men feel less of a man. Telling a man what to do or how to live every time is too much for some men

But that does not mean you should not air your grievances or discontent you should but in a respectful way. 

Try reading self help books or going to marriage seminars...... it helps........... But it will only work you both love each other.  Going by your message and his message i think you both love each other.

[felurian]

47 minutes ago, Skyscrappers said:

I know alot of people say Leave and Dump the marriage i wont suggest that

.. there is no body without issues so whether you like it or not, who ever you eventually meet will have his own issues too. But you should have a  BOUNDARY....... i support that..... when crossed that should be a deal breaker.

However, going by your message and his reply... here is my 2 cents. 

I feel you have a drop of Alpha traits in you. ( controlling and aggressive a little bit bossy) it is not a bad thing only when used the right way. 
I once dated a girl who was like you, it caused a lot of issues with us. She is sweet and all that but those attributes where a big problem.... she worked on herself after a break and she changed for good. 

Most Men dont like bossy women...... it makes some men feel less of a man. Telling a man what to do or how to live every time is too much for some men

But that does not mean you should not air your grievances or discontent you should but in a respectful way. 

Try reading self help books or going to marriage seminars...... it helps........... But it will only work you both love each other.  Going by your message and his message i think you both love each other.

We really do. I know I paint the relationship like it’s all bad. It’s not, I come here to vent my frustrations and anger. 
 

In our relationship, when my husband has asked for X or Y, I’m quick to give in to him because I love and cherish our relationship. Example, after closing the long distance we started to argue about chores. I was indeed controlling and domineering. He suggested counseling or the marriage was over. The next day I found a therapist and have been working really hard to approach contentious topics kindly, to use I feel statements, to state my intentions prior to the conversation etc. 

the problem I’m running in to however, is no matter how gently I approach a contentious topic, my husband will become defensive and either stonewall, bring up other issues not even related to the conversation, become sarcastic/condescending, or if it gets really bad, call me names. I try so hard to stay rational and calm, but eventually, something in me snaps, and now I’m yelling and crying. (For example, my friend who I had not seen since coming back home was having a Christmas party and invited me and my husband. We ended up going but only staying for one hour. My husband was not making an attempt to get to know my friends and because he was bored requested to leave early. I kindly asked him, “babe, can you stay with me? I haven’t seen these guys in ages, I want to continue catching up.” But instead of meeting me halfway, he stated that he was free to do whatever he wanted and what he wanted to do was leave. I felt so hurt that night, because there have been many times I hang with his friends even when I’m tapped out. Where I made a compromise because I knew it was important to him. That night, I was understandably IMO, upset. But instead of empathizing, he called me controlling. )
 

What in my mind should have been a two way conversation where we share our thoughts and feelings, has now turned into a war where I am arguing the justification of my feelings. At the end of the day, the issue is how we communicate. And as other users have pointed out, I KNEW this about him prior to getting married. The onus at this point is on me. While I love and care deeply for my husband, I am tired of not feeling heard in our relationship. I’m tired of defending my feelings. I’m tired of feeling like I need to change him into something that he simply is not. 
 

I’m willing to continue changing and growing (not just for him, but to be a better person in general) To be less controlling, nagging, anxious, and insecure. When I feel safe, I actually revel in my femininity . I love when a man is about his word and takes charge. I love supporting my husband when I feel appreciated and seen. But as of right now, given the constant bickering and betrayal, my emotional reserve runs thin. I hope via counseling he is able to introspect just a little bit to see where I’m coming from. I’m more than willing to make the changes he needs, I just want to feel that reciprocated. 

[boltnrun]

You gave in when he demanded you get counseling. Why can't you ask for him to get counseling?

[felurian]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You gave in when he demanded you get counseling. Why can't you ask for him to get counseling?

He finally agreed to counseling yesterday. It took a lot of pleading and trying to justify why I thought it’d be helpful. I’m grateful he is going to at least try. 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 3/29/2023 at 10:09 AM, felurian said:

He finally agreed to counseling yesterday. It took a lot of pleading and trying to justify why I thought it’d be helpful. I’m grateful he is going to at least try. 

Hello @felurianI am late to the party, is there an update?  It's been almost a month and you may no longer be reading, but if you are reading here are my thoughts:

Accept him AS IS (warts and all) versus nagging him into being what YOU need him to be.  He is going to recoil from that so fast your head will spin.  As you have discovered.  

Something I have learned over the years in my relationships is if you give up a little of you for him and accept him "as is" with all his flaws and imperfections, he in turn might be more inclined to give you what YOU need, without your even having to ask (or nag).

It's gotta start somewhere, right?  Try it.

ACCEPTANCE.  That's what he needs from you (imo) after reading this entire thread.  He's been screaming for it!  Silently.

But you haven't heard him and continue to dig in your heels with the nagging and attempting to change him which NEVER works.  

If you don't have it in you to accept him and love him AS IS, then leave.  

I am curious to what your marriage counselor thinks?

In any event, I do hope things are going well.

Let us know...