Looks like I have to lie :(

[Tinydance]

18 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

He and I talked it over. Turns out, he didn't want just sex and leave; he said, "I wanted to have sex then be with each other for a bit. Cuddle, talk, touch and go for a walk then come back for round 2 of cuddling and kissing."

He is going on a trip to Arizona March 29 to April 3. We finally came to a decision: I have some gift cards to Chillis restaurant in a nearby town. We will meet for dinner there, and then get a room after. I will tell my mom we are going to dinner and a movie.

Sorry I actually didn't mean date him. I meant just date in general. Like, other guys lol

[midnightdeirdre]

On 3/28/2023 at 5:50 PM, SherrySher said:

 

Keep us updated, and good luck. 🙂

PS: Telling your friend your personal story before, or after sex, is again totally fine.

Even if you're not dating, he is still your friend and by the sounds of it, he is interested in hearing it. It's a lovely idea to let him know.

🙂

Right now I’m trying to figure out how to word exactly how to tell him my personal story. Any feedback/advice please. ❤️   PM me if you prefer. Thanks!

[MissCanuck]

What is it you want to tell him, exactly? 

Speaking in general terms is fine, but I would caution against over-sharing. You might regret saying too much if he fades away after. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Right now I’m trying to figure out how to word exactly how to tell him my personal story. 

Be plain and simple and to the point. The best communication is clear communication.

[Batya33]

I agree with direct and brief.  Assume he will react neutrally/blankly or even sarcastically - he is not a close friend such that you know you have a safe space with this person.  I used to overshare -in my teens and 20s especially -likely to get approval or get attention, etc. 

These days I'm selective and also selective about which close friends to share certain things with.  For example I feel secure telling my sister almost anything under the sun -very rare exceptions (I mean of course not telling her things I promised someone else not to tell anyone else -I mean my own stuff). 

Even then there are risks.  Even people who really love and care about you and want you to share may say the wrong thing/feel uncomfortable all of a sudden etc but if you're close then you can talk about it and resolve it because you're both invested in maintaining the relationship and growing it!

For example I had a very close woman friend when I was newly pregnant. I had not told anyone yet including her and wasn't going to tell her yet. That night at dinner she revealed that she might have thyroid cancer and would soon have a biopsy to find out. 

I reacted badly - I was so hormonal and tired and in my head from being pregnant and worried about potential miscarriage that my face revealed shock.  This was not good for her as she was already anxious.  I immediately apologized and would have liked to tell her why I likely showed less self control than otherwise but I didn't. 

So your male friend might react in a way you don't expect from discomfort (like with a joke or sarcasm or trivializing what you said), from his own stuff etc and might not want to tell you why - or might not even know why -and yet it will come across to you as cold/distant/unfeeling or thoughtless.  

If you feel strong and secure and you do not care how he reacts -your only purpose is sharing this secret with him - then do it.  Otherwise don't-even though he says he wants to know you can't be sure why and also you don't know him well enough to gague how he is likely to react.  Good luck.

[midnightdeirdre]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Be plain and simple and to the point. The best communication is clear communication.

An example please?

[midnightdeirdre]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with direct and brief.  Assume he will react neutrally/blankly or even sarcastically - he is not a close friend such that you know you have a safe space with this person.  I used to overshare -in my teens and 20s especially -likely to get approval or get attention, etc. 

My personal story is this: I went through a tough time my senior year of high school; my grandmother passed away and my dad was in the hospital for awhile. (He is retired and doing fine now.) During that tough time, thinking about my guy friend made me feel better. (He is a handsome boy, especially back in high school.)

I want to thank him for helping me get through that time. I'm just not exactly sure how to word it. (I did warn him I may get teary-eyed.) As I asked earlier, some examples please? Thank you🥰

[boltnrun]

What specific things did he actually do to "help" you during that difficult time? 

[midnightdeirdre]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What specific things did he actually do to "help" you during that difficult time? 

In high school he was a basketball star, and as I have said, very handsome. Looking at his pictures/thinking about him (i.e., his handsome face) in the newspapers made me feel better. (Obviously, he was pleasing to look at. I love looking at pictures/images/beautiful things.)

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

My personal story is this: I went through a tough time my senior year of high school; my grandmother passed away and my dad was in the hospital for awhile. (He is retired and doing fine now.) During that tough time, thinking about my guy friend made me feel better. (He is a handsome boy, especially back in high school.)

I want to thank him for helping me get through that time. I'm just not exactly sure how to word it. (I did warn him I may get teary-eyed.) As I asked earlier, some examples please? Thank you🥰

I would state it simply and directly if you plan to share it (I would not nor would I be particularly pleased to hear your story).  "I went through tough time during my senior year of high school because of the loss of my grandmother and my father's illness.  Looking at your photos cheered me up because you were so handsome and I loved seeing you in those photos!"

I wouldn't say anything different -it's the truth and depending on his personal perspective and values about his looks or looks in general will inform whether he is flattered or not or some other reaction.  

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

In high school he was a basketball star, and as I have said, very handsome. Looking at his pictures/thinking about him (i.e., his handsome face) in the newspapers made me feel better. (Obviously, he was pleasing to look at. I love looking at pictures/images/beautiful things.)

So he didn't actually DO anything specifically for you. He just happened to exist and be somewhat of an public figure. 

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. You could say something simple like what @Batya33 suggested. 

[midnightdeirdre]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"I went through tough time during my senior year of high school because of the loss of my grandmother and my father's illness.  Looking at your photos cheered me up because you were so handsome and I loved seeing you in those photos!"

Brilliant, thanks!

[midnightdeirdre]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

(I would not nor would I be particularly pleased to hear your story). 

Er, wait why is that?

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, midnightdeirdre said:

Er, wait why is that?

I would not be flattered or interested in someone focusing to that extent on my looks.  I would find it odd and depending on how it was shared potentially creepy/off putting. 

By contrast I've been told by certain people sometimes years later how something I said or did for them helped them, motivated them, was thoughtful, etc.  And I've shared exactly the same with people I know - remembering something that was said many years ago that at times was life changing. 

I can remember in some instances every detail -where we were, whether it was in person or by phone, etc.  And if not every detail many.  Because when someone says or does something like that and it gives you insight or an aha moment or is just the right thing to say at a terrible time or an amazing time you remember. When people have shared with me their personal stories of how I was helpful/thoughtful/inspired them -well, it makes my day.  Sometimes my year.  

I had a poster of John Stamos on my wall as a teenager.  I thought he was hot and I loved looking at the poster and it cheered me up.  If I'd ever been able to meet him I'd never have shared that with him -I'd only have shared if something he did as an actor or in some philanthropic work inspired me.  I did meet celebrities and have conversations with them and certainly had "stories" of how in awe I was of their accomplishments and what was going on in my life and I'd have never shared a story focused on what they looked like.

This guy - for all you know -he LOVES when women comment on how handsome he was and pleasing to look at - he will be bowled over that his face and body cheered you up.  Nothing wrong with that and could be a great thing for him to hear! You asked me about my personal opinions so I gave it.  

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I went through a tough time my senior year of high school; my grandmother passed away and my dad was in the hospital for awhile. (He is retired and doing fine now.) During that tough time, thinking about my guy friend made me feel better.

Why not just say it like this ^^^?

[midnightdeirdre]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Why not just say it like this ^^^?

I couldn’t help but wonder if there was an even deeper way to say it. Lol you’re totally right!!

[Tinydance]

May I make a suggestion that you don't say anything to him about this? Everyone likes looking at attractive people but it doesn't sound like this guy actually did anything for you in any way in high school. So I think there's no point bringing it up 20 + years later. You said you weren't friends in high school so I don't actually think you have any sentimental past with him. Also if you haven't seen him for that long then he's not actually your friend even now. If you want to have sex for hookup then you can do that but he doesn't seem interested in anything else.

[boltnrun]

I get it to some degree. I had extreme, severe Covid related anxiety. Watching one guy's YouTube videos helped me get through it. I don't find him attractive but something about his voice and the way he presented his videos calmed me down. I did comment on one of his videos that his videos got me through the worst of the pandemic. 

But I wouldn't make it into some heavy, emotional revelation. Simple is better. 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

May I make a suggestion that you don't say anything to him about this?

I vote for this too. 

I don't see a reason to share this with him, particularly if it might make you emotional. You two aren't exactly friends and you have no idea if you can trust him to be sensitive about it. It's too heavy for the occasion, in other words. It's clear you assign a lot of emotional meaning to it so I think it's better to reserve this sort of thing for after you are better acquainted. 

It will likely feel pretty bad if you share this with him and then don't hear from him after this planned meet-up. As such, I would hold off on any emotional revelations. 

[midnightdeirdre]

34 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I vote for this too. 

I don't see a reason to share this with him, particularly if it might make you emotional. You two aren't exactly friends and you have no idea if you can trust him to be sensitive about it. It's too heavy for the occasion, in other words. It's clear you assign a lot of emotional meaning to it so I think it's better to reserve this sort of thing for after you are better acquainted. 

It will likely feel pretty bad if you share this with him and then don't hear from him after this planned meet-up. As such, I would hold off on any emotional revelations. 

And TinyDance—-you are both wrong. Very wrong. He and I are were both acquaintances in high school; we never hung out outside of school, but we did know each other well. And we have been texting everyday for the last few years.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

I couldn’t help but wonder if there was an even deeper way to say it. Lol you’re totally right!!

But it's not deep from his perspective including because you're obviously not close - despite all the typing - he is happy to meet you to have intercourse with you and then belatedly agreed to dinner before dutch treat. 

You're focusing on his physical feature and as you said you like to look at beautiful things.  So it happened to be his beautiful face.  That you were in a deeply emotional time is deep to you.  How he factors in is likely to come across as shallow to him -but again if he loves being praised for his looks this will be an awesome compliment to him and he'll feel flattered and great about it!

Many years ago when my MIL was in hospice care and we were all worried -especially my husband of course! - I would take my then 3 year old son in the stroller for my power walk on a particular route in the city.  I realized that each time I passed a certain tree with white flowers I thought of my MIL - it was beautiful, it stood out from the rest of the typical trees and my MIL appreciated art and my FIL loved his garden.

  I wasn't particularly into trees lol.  It made me feel a little -peaceful -centered and I thought of her and how I wished I could tell her about it as she'd appreciate it.  That was about a beautiful thing - but I related it to what I knew about my MIL inside and what I knew about her wanting me to feel at peace.  It was a very long time till I shared this with my husband - I found the right time as I wanted to convey it properly so that he felt more at peace too.  It was not a typical feeling or reaction for me. 

But again - my husband and I were so close, my MIL and I were so close - and sharing about a beautiful scene was connected to our internal bond not "oh I saw a photo of your pretty face and I felt better about what was going on with me in my life"

Beautiful things can help us through hard times.  In this context I'd keep this to myself. For all the reasons I and others said.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I get it to some degree. I had extreme, severe Covid related anxiety. Watching one guy's YouTube videos helped me get through it. I don't find him attractive but something about his voice and the way he presented his videos calmed me down. I did comment on one of his videos that his videos got me through the worst of the pandemic. 

But I wouldn't make it into some heavy, emotional revelation. Simple is better. 

But that also had to do with his message, not just what he looked like.  I'm so glad it helped! My friend, RIP, found certain food shows she'd never watched calming when she was experiencing a terminal disorder. I pulled some strings and got her a meeting with the celebrity.  The celebrity totally got it and was so glad to hear this.  She ended up being too sick to make it but received a lot of swag.  

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, midnightdeirdre said:

And TinyDance—-you are both wrong. Very wrong. He and I are were both acquaintances in high school; we never hung out outside of school, but we did know each other well. And we have been texting everyday for the last few years.

This doesn't make sense. 

You knew him very well, but you were only acquaintances and never hung out outside of school? How does that work? 

I also don't personally think lots of texting means two people have a deep friendship. You haven't actually spent any quality time together in person for years, it seems, so I stand by what I said about this not being a true friendship. 

Look, we're just trying to caution you. You stand to get your feelings really hurt if you let your emotions get the best of you with this guy. 

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But that also had to do with his message, not just what he looked like. 

It wasn't his "message" because he doesn't really have one. It was literally just his calming voice and his calm on screen presence. 

In the OP's case it's unclear to me if this man actually communicated with her during this tough time or if she just looked at pics of him. 

[midnightdeirdre]

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It wasn't his "message" because he doesn't really have one. It was literally just his calming voice and his calm on screen presence. 

In the OP's case it's unclear to me if this man actually communicated with her during this tough time or if she just looked at pics of him. 

He was in my science class senior year. I admit, I would gawk at him whenever I got the chance. It was obvious to him I found him attractive because I would smile when I gawked. (Subconsciously I would do it. I didn’t feel myself smiling at all.) I heard that he said to other people, “She smiles at me in class like, ‘Heey, hot stuff.’”