How to move forward in a LDR situation-ship (F24) (M24)

[xsunshinex00]

Hello everyone! I apologize for how long this is but I’m just looking for some advice on what to do in a situationship & maybe how to move forward. Unfortunately I think I’ve bit off more than I can chew and I’m confused if maybe I should just take the L or keep going. 

I was friends with this guy in highschool for awhile, we dated but broke up due to me graduating & moving away. We deeply cared for each other & he’s always been special to me & I’d consider him my first love/best friend. He’s seen me at my lowest & has never judged me. 

After moving away we stayed friends but ofc moved on and dated other people until about last year when there was a shift. I was honest that I still liked him but wasn’t ready for a relationship as I got out of a long term relationship about 6 months prior. He admitted the same but he got out of one like a month before so he was focused on school which I understood. Since then we’ve been in a weird LDR where we FaceTimed everyday and saw each other occasionally (he would drive down) Here’s where things get a lil… confusing.

Around October he opened up saying that he LOVES me & he’s never clicked this way with anyone. He mentioned wanting to introduce me to his mom (which he did) so most of his family knows me and speaks to me and even says they love me. His dad told me personally he knows his son cares about me etc. He’s introduced me to his friends as well & includes me in there convos. 

I just visited him for a few days and we had a convo about if it would be awkward between us if one of us started dating someone else. I said yeah kinda, and he said it wouldn’t really be for him but he’s not necessarily an awkward person. We’d just have to change our relationship. I didn’t know how to feel & he could see that in my face & and asked me what’s up.

 I figured I’d ask him where we stood because it has been a year and I have no idea where things were going. He said he “never likes to say never” to the idea of us dating & he does really like spending time with me, but he’s not ready for a relationship still which I understand & respect but it did kind of..hurt?

He’s a sweetheart. He supports my dreams & encourages me/reassures me. He listens to my long rants & gives feedback. He can read me like a book, & knows I suck at communicating & pushes me to do better & practice with him. He constantly asks me about my views on relationships or what I want in a husband/boyfriend. We have a lot in common & can talk for hours. He’s a complete gentleman & is super attentive and ofc has flaws but he’s so sweet to me so I guess I’m just lost on how to proceed.

It sucks because he wants me to be vulnerable with him and tell him everything on my heart but I close myself off because if this doesn’t work out I’ll be destroyed & I can’t let my walls down yet. 

I don’t see a point of this relationship if it isn’t going to go anywhere. We live about 3 hours apart but obviously I don’t want to do this weird LDR forever. I do really love him but I can’t tell if he’s just super nice & keeping me around for sex or if he actually just really wants to focus on what he needs to do. Wondering if I should just honestly just let it go at this point because I really don’t wanna get heartbroken. At this point he’s the only guy I’ve ever felt like this for so it does hurt & I’d hate to loose someone so important to me over this. 

TDLR; first love & I have rekindled and we’re in a LDR situation-ship. He said he loves me but he’s still not ready for a relationship and I’m scared I’m wasting my time.

[Coily]

How far along are you two with your educations?

If you're near or done, what job\career opportunities are in your areas? Could you move near him or vice versa? Or a third location that makes sense?

On one hand it sounds like you both are clinging to "if". Both are scared of the future and started reconnecting at the right time.

The unfortunate side is that its a comfortable refuge for you both, at arms length until it's convenient. You two need to have a long in person discussion about where you both want to go. Now don't put an ultimatum on the table, just start seeing how he reacts to the idea of you two living closer together, maybe picking a new area altogether.

LDRs can work, my parents lived 5 hours apart, with my father in the military too. They worked at it and decided once they wanted to get married, they needed to move to a new locale.

I really hope you two can make some positive head way and build this relationship. It may fizzle, but best to try and never ask what if. Set a reasonable deadline in your headand see what happens.

[xsunshinex00]

9 minutes ago, Coily said:

How far along are you two with your educations?

If you're near or done, what job\career opportunities are in your areas? Could you move near him or vice versa? Or a third location that makes sense?

On one hand it sounds like you both are clinging to "if". Both are scared of the future and started reconnecting at the right time.

The unfortunate side is that its a comfortable refuge for you both, at arms length until it's convenient. You two need to have a long in person discussion about where you both want to go. Now don't put an ultimatum on the table, just start seeing how he reacts to the idea of you two living closer together, maybe picking a new area altogether.

LDRs can work, my parents lived 5 hours apart, with my father in the military too. They worked at it and decided once they wanted to get married, they needed to move to a new locale.

I really hope you two can make some positive head way and build this relationship. It may fizzle, but best to try and never ask what if. Set a reasonable deadline in your headand see what happens.

Thank you so much for responding! Currently I’m finished with school and I plan on staying on my city for a while. He still has about a year left, and he’s talked about possibly moving down here. He’s looked at apartment prices & mentioned he likes it over here multiple times but it’s never been something we’ve settled on, it’s usually just kind of mentioned in conversation so I never know if he’s 100% serious. At the same time though he has expressed interest in other places as well but more so my area. I feel like a lot more things are kind of up in the air so it causes a lot of confusion. 

[boltnrun]

He's risking losing you to someone else because he doesn't want to commit to a relationship. But he sure is fine with having sex with you. Hmmm...

What I ask people is to reverse the situation. Are you fine with risking losing him and are you wanting to commit to a relationship? 

Is having uncommitted sex with him what you truly want? 

If you two aren't aligned it doesn't make sense to reserve yourself for someone who won't commit to a relationship with you. 

[Coily]

Him finishing his education will probably leave him with a lot of questions and feeling nervous for the future. It really can affect some people and make them uncomfortable committing.

I think the best course of action is to make sure he knows you've been exclusive with him, and see what happens. Light pressure is always better than ultimatum s.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, xsunshinex00 said:

he wants me to be vulnerable with him and tell him everything on my heart

This is a privilege he isn't really entitled to. He isn't your boyfriend, so he doesn't get to hear everything in your heart. I wouldn't share that with him either. 

6 hours ago, xsunshinex00 said:

he’s not ready for a relationship still

Then stop letting him act like a surrogate boyfriend. There is no reason for you to be talking to his family, having visits, involving you in his friends' conversations and socializing with them. You're giving him all the benefits of a relationship without him giving you any of the commitment in return. That won't work and leaves you very vulnerable. 

You're going to have to be strong on this. If he doesn't want a relationship with you, you must put some space between you two. Otherwise, it's going to break your heart when he meets someone new and decides to spend time with her and distance himself from you. That's where this is heading. 

[Kwothe28]

If he is "not ready for the relationship" after a year dont think he ever would be. People have commited relationships despite the distance. Sure, it would be nice to close the distance and he moves in your city and that you see eachother more, but here the problem is that he doesnt want relationship with you. Not even closing the distance would change that.

Also, who asked about if it would be ankward if they started dating somebody else? Was it him? Because you dont ask things like that if you dont have something or somebody in mind.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, xsunshinex00 said:

I figured I’d ask him where we stood because it has been a year.  he does really like spending time with me, but he’s not ready for a relationship still 

It's good you asked after a year of talking and intimacy, what is going on.

Unfortunately his answer is disappointing that he only wants casual and nebulous. More like FWB.

It's up to you to decide how much you want to invest in this, given the distance and his lack of interest in a relationship. 

Step back and reflect. If your involvement and investment is starting to hurt you and isn't reciprocated,  reconsider if it's worth holding out for a lot of "ifs".

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He's risking losing you to someone else because he doesn't want to commit to a relationship. But he sure is fine with having sex with you. Hmmm...

What I ask people is to reverse the situation. Are you fine with risking losing him and are you wanting to commit to a relationship? 

Is having uncommitted sex with him what you truly want? 

If you two aren't aligned it doesn't make sense to reserve yourself for someone who won't commit to a relationship with you. 

This and the others who wrote similarly.  When my ex and I reconnected and we were then going to be LD (we weren't the first time around) - our mutual conditions were that we were exclusive and with serious intentions (for us this meant marriage and family).  We did not even kiss until we were officially back together.  We'd met up three times platonically after years apart.  Third time he asked me to get back together (3 times in 5 weeks -he was away part of that time -he was spending a big part of the summer in our home city). 

No conditions on it or wishy washy stuff.  I hesitated -for maybe 30 seconds -it was scary at first -we'd broken an engagement years ago, now we'd be long distance, I had just turned 39.  30 seconds. I probably did say in those 30 seconds something like expressing fear -feeling a little overwhelmed (I was hoping he also felt the spark for weeks at that point and knew he was leaving town soon but the reality of his simple question -life changing for us) - but after 30 seconds I simply said Yes. 

Is there one right way to do this? I'll go out on a limb and say Yes.  Yes- if you want to reconnect or get serious with someone and it's going to be LD and your goal is serious- not just casual dating or a sex arrangement -then I strongly believe if it's not that simple forget about it cause LD is hard enough with waffling/true ambivalence.  Jitters - feeling like woah let me catch my breath - I mean -duh - but the overwhelming feeling should be mutual commitment to doing what it takes to see if this can work. 

LD once you know the person well in person is far less risky.  And we were able to meet up about every 11 days despite it being plane flights.  And we spoke nightly on the phone but didn't constantly chat all day so those nightly phone calls were fun and special.  

Your cutely labeled "situationship" is you wanting a relationship, him not wanting one, and you settling for a sexual arrangement/two old friends meeting up for sex.  He's not ready for a relationship -with you.  Imagine how stomach churning it will feel when he meets someone and is suddenly "ready."

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, xsunshinex00 said:

Thank you so much for responding! Currently I’m finished with school and I plan on staying on my city for a while. He still has about a year left, and he’s talked about possibly moving down here. He’s looked at apartment prices & mentioned he likes it over here multiple times but it’s never been something we’ve settled on, it’s usually just kind of mentioned in conversation so I never know if he’s 100% serious. At the same time though he has expressed interest in other places as well but more so my area. I feel like a lot more things are kind of up in the air so it causes a lot of confusion. 

You are creating the confusion as you refuse to ask him non-confusing simple questions.

What are your intentions about us? Do you want a relationship with me that is exclusive and marriage/forever-minded?

If you OP knew this was the most he was going to give you how long would you stay? Stay that long. 

Don't indulge in telling yourself this is confusing.  Be honest with yourself and ask the very simple questions despite them being very hard to ask.

[Andrina]

In this logistical situation, this is what I'd expect a guy would say who was totally into me and wanted a longterm relationship: Let's set up a plan to close the distance in a year when I graduate. Until then, we'll take turns visiting each other every six weeks. I'd like us to be exclusive.

12 hours ago, xsunshinex00 said:

t sucks because he wants me to be vulnerable with him and tell him everything on my heart but I close myself off because if this doesn’t work out I’ll be destroyed & I can’t let my walls down yet. 

Please don't psychologically sabotage yourself with words like being destroyed. No, you won't. You'll be upset for a while, and then heal and move on. The reel that goes on in your mind is very important, so choose wisely what you tell yourself.

Whenever two people don't share the exact same dating/relationship goals, it'll never work. And nobody, and I mean nobody, is worth waiting around for to see if they change their mind.

What should you do now? Tell him for your own good, you will have to go no contact, and if he ever decides he wants to try being exclusive and closing the distance, then that's the only time he should reach out.

You want a boyfriend, and staying "friends" with him will prevent you from bonding with an available prospect, and it also won't be fair for you to stay in contact with a former lover you wanted longterm with. A decent man with self-worth would walk away from you when he found out you're still emotionally connected to your first love.

This first love might argue the point, and try to negotiate staying in contact. If this happens, know he likes the ego boost of you crushing on him versus caring about how staying in contact will hurt you, and that it's a dead end for you. 

There are plenty of people who I once enjoyed my relationships with when younger, but as an adult, I don't want anything to do with them. As far as he goes, you might be seeing the present through a faulty lens of good memories of the past. 

What kind of life have you built for yourself in your city? Do you have close friendships and hobbies/interests? Good luck and keep us updated.

 

[xsunshinex00]

8 minutes ago, Andrina said:

In this logistical situation, this is what I'd expect a guy would say who was totally into me and wanted a longterm relationship: Let's set up a plan to close the distance in a year when I graduate. Until then, we'll take turns visiting each other every six weeks. I'd like us to be exclusive.

Please don't psychologically sabotage yourself with words like being destroyed. No, you won't. You'll be upset for a while, and then heal and move on. The reel that goes on in your mind is very important, so choose wisely what you tell yourself.

Whenever two people don't share the exact same dating/relationship goals, it'll never work. And nobody, and I mean nobody, is worth waiting around for to see if they change their mind.

What should you do now? Tell him for your own good, you will have to go no contact, and if he ever decides he wants to try being exclusive and closing the distance, then that's the only time he should reach out.

You want a boyfriend, and staying "friends" with him will prevent you from bonding with an available prospect, and it also won't be fair for you to stay in contact with a former lover you wanted longterm with. A decent man with self-worth would walk away from you when he found out you're still emotionally connected to your first love.

This first love might argue the point, and try to negotiate staying in contact. If this happens, know he likes the ego boost of you crushing on him versus caring about how staying in contact will hurt you, and that it's a dead end for you. 

There are plenty of people who I once enjoyed my relationships with when younger, but as an adult, I don't want anything to do with them. As far as he goes, you might be seeing the present through a faulty lens of good memories of the past. 

What kind of life have you built for yourself in your city? Do you have close friendships and hobbies/interests? Good luck and keep us updated.

 

I wish I knew how to use this site better & thank everyone for the responses but thank you, I really appreciate it.

I’ve been giving him excuses because I’m all fairness I don’t feel ready for a relationship myself. I’d like to focus on growing in my career and also work on myself because my last relationship was extremely toxic, but I still KNOW I’d want to be in a relationship with him if I was ready. He explained to me that after he broke up with his ex girlfriend he genuinely doesn’t want to date anyone for a while while he focuses on his school work and sports & I’ve heard him explain that to even his friends/family so my mind keeps trying to validate that to myself. He did ask me how his response made me feel after & why I never told him that I was feeling this way sooner and my communication went down the drain and I said I was fine and let the convo move on when I should of expressed that concern. 

The fact that he doesn’t know what he wants yet should probably be alarming. But unfortunately I guess he just knows the right things to say. He’s talked about moving to my city in the future so I just assumed at some point things would change but at the end of the day my well being comes first. 
 

I know if he found someone else and moved on I’d be sad, and that’s the issue. I can’t allow myself to go through that. 

Regardless I probably bit off more than I could chew & maybe I’ll just explain exactly how I feel and go no contact.

It sucks because we’ve always been friends first so I’m close with him, but this situation is too much.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, xsunshinex00 said:

I just assumed at some point things would change

Don't assume. The only way to know for sure is to ask and to be honest about what you want from this situation. Don't lie to him and to yourself out of fear. 

[xsunshinex00]

Thank you to everyone for the responses, truly. Being younger a lot of my friends who I talk to about this tell me to keep trying or lifting my hopes up about this situation so I just wanted a different perspective. 
 

I gave him a lot of leeway due to the fact that I always mentioned myself to him that I’m not ready to date. My living situation isn’t ideal, my finances/career arnt the best, and I wanted to focus on growing myself into the women I want to be as I’m going through that weird early 20’s transitional phase. 

He’s an athlete and is team captain plus his major is super intense so I thought him even spending time with me/putting in effort was a good sign but he could literally do that with anyone. 

Regardless of that I know that if I was ready I would of wanted to be with him, and apparently he doesn’t know and that should be enough for me to know I need to step back & speak up for myself before it gets worse. 

[xsunshinex00]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Don't assume. The only way to know for sure is to ask and to be honest about what you want from this situation. Don't lie to him and to yourself out of fear. 

That’s 100% true. I won’t give an ultimatum but I need to have a real conversation with him and make a decision based off his responses. Regardless of what happens I’ll be fine, but I need to know for my own sanity. 
Thank you.

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, xsunshinex00 said:

The fact that he doesn’t know what he wants yet should probably be alarming.

Probably? It is alarming. He is with you for a year. And you cant even say that you are together.If he wanted to commit, he would by now.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, xsunshinex00 said:

That’s 100% true. I won’t give an ultimatum but I need to have a real conversation with him and make a decision based off his responses. Regardless of what happens I’ll be fine, but I need to know for my own sanity. 
Thank you.

And definitely do not continue to have sex with him in the hopes it will encourage him to be in a relationship with you. That usually has the opposite effect. That old saying about not needing to buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free is more accurate than you might think. 

[xsunshinex00]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

And definitely do not continue to have sex with him in the hopes it will encourage him to be in a relationship with you. That usually has the opposite effect. That old saying about not needing to buy the cow if you're getting the milk for free is more accurate than you might think. 

Oh yeah for sure. I’ve been considering celibacy for a few months now, but I think that’s the smartest move to make. I prefer having sex in a committed relationship regardless so that’s off the table since my heads back on straight. Thank you. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, xsunshinex00 said:

ecause I’m all fairness I don’t feel ready for a relationship myself. I’d like to focus on growing in my career and also work on myself because my last relationship was extremely toxic, but I still KNOW I’d want to be in a relationship with him if I was ready.

If you're not ready to be in a relationship he's a poor choice for casual dating because you'd hate to hear about him pursuing someone else.  Working on yourself should include not settling for scraps and telling yourself it's because you allow  yourself to get attached to the words he says -watch the feet -the actions - with the exception of the words that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Those words should be taken as true.  

I focused on my career intensely and dated and looked for relationships.  You can do both.  Certainly if you feel you shouldn't date while working on yourself that sounds like a great idea - but right now you're not working on yourself.  You're choosing to be involved with someone you are getting attached to and who is not similarly attached to you. 

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, xsunshinex00 said:

Oh yeah for sure. I’ve been considering celibacy for a few months now, but I think that’s the smartest move to make. I prefer having sex in a committed relationship regardless so that’s off the table since my heads back on straight. Thank you. 

I don't think you have to consider celibacy as any kind of lifestyle or delve too deep into your choices to have sex.  I think you have to stick to your standards of having sex in a committed relationship.  And when you're not in a committed relationship don't have intercourse.  

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, xsunshinex00 said:

That’s 100% true. I won’t give an ultimatum but I need to have a real conversation with him and make a decision based off his responses. Regardless of what happens I’ll be fine, but I need to know for my own sanity. 
Thank you.

He's already told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.  And you aren't ready to be in a relationship with him.  What else is there to talk about other than "I don't think we should hang out and hook up anymore since we're not on the same page -I can see myself ready to be in a relationship with you in particular when I'm ready and you haven't said you can see yourself in a relationship with me.  Let's get in touch if or when we are both ready and also want to be together."

[xsunshinex00]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He's already told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.  And you aren't ready to be in a relationship with him.  What else is there to talk about other than "I don't think we should hang out and hook up anymore since we're not on the same page -I can see myself ready to be in a relationship with you in particular when I'm ready and you haven't said you can see yourself in a relationship with me.  Let's get in touch if or when we are both ready and also want to be together."

That’s exactly what I was going to say. At this point there’s nothing else to do

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, xsunshinex00 said:

That’s exactly what I was going to say. At this point there’s nothing else to do

Yes I agree you can explain your choice rather than simply disappear which would not be right.

[MissCanuck]

When the right person for you comes along, it won't be this confusing and nebulous. 

His interest will be clear and it will be much easier to connect. You won't be wondering what he wants. You won't be justifying it with excuses about him being too busy and too focused on other things. He will make time for you and will be happy to fit you into his life.

At the end of the day, this particular guy know it isn't the right match for him. He's enjoying the benefits as long as he can, but I promise you he already knows he doesn't want to be a couple with you. He's essentially told you that ,without personalizing it too much. But it will hurt a lot to watch him date someone else when he meets a girl he is really interested in.  It is time to stop wasting your heart and emotional energy on something that is likely never going to end the way you hoped. Save it for a guy who reciprocates your feelings.