Insecure in relationship

[Beautyanx]

 

So, my (26F) BF(27M) of 1+ years recently shared with me that he was touched by an older cousin early in life. Not sure if it was once or a continuous thing but he told me how this led him to him questioning his sexuality for years.

He went to therapy and got a lot of help about his childhood, unrelated abuse and the questioning of his sexuality. When he was 18, he hit a really dark patch and would contemplate suicide. He had a friend (18M) that invited him over one day to hang out and to clear his mind for a bit. They had drinks and apparently he was really drunk and his friend "took advantage" of that and gave him oral. Once he came to the realization of what happened, he left. But for whatever reason, I don't think he cut ties with his friend automatically but eventually, they'd stop talking. Again, he was left questioning his sexuality until 3 years later when he'd eventually start dating and sleeping with women. Now, 8 years later, he tells me he's completely straight and has no attraction to men but l'm not totally convinced. I'm afraid of being with a man who isn't sexually secure and I hate myself for feeling that way. I was raised in a very conservative household and my thoughts aren't as progressive as they could be. I just want to be more secure in our relationship. I love him and I want it to work but I am fighting insecurities. 

 

Is it possible to feel secure with a partner that has a history of questioning their sexuality? How?

[Coily]

Given his history of being sexually assaulted, or in the later case maybe a grey area; it’s natural for victims; especially male victims, to question their sexual orientation. The proverbial “did I invite this due to wanting it?” 
 

The reality is that he is with you, and if you have a good, healthy, and mutually fun sex life that’s all you need to know. You Doubting his sexuality will undermine the relationship.

Also don’t worry about “being more progressive”, if that’s not you don’t be pressured by external forces to live a lie. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Beautyanx said:

he tells me he's completely straight and has no attraction to men but l'm not totally convinced. 

Sorry this happened.  It seems like he tells you he's straight, but had undesired male to male contact in the past. That doesn't necessarily mean he's questioning his sexuality. 

Stop and reflect if this is the right man/situation for you. That's all that matters. If his past is too problematic, it's ok to be honest with yourself if you can handle it. 

[SooSad33]

I agree with above replies.

IF things do seem okay with the two of you, then leave his past there.

Is common for some to be 'curious', and no harm in that.  We live & we learn. ( I am sure you're aware of some ppl being 'bisexual', but eventually they'll come to be more comfortable with one sex).

I have a kid who had been slightly 'curious' at one point and yah, had experienced same sex, but never went beyond that.  He's straight now & knows his real interest).

Either way, focus on what you've got now & where you are...together.

 

[Beautyanx]

12 hours ago, Coily said:

Given his history of being sexually assaulted, or in the later case maybe a grey area; it’s natural for victims; especially male victims, to question their sexual orientation. The proverbial “did I invite this due to wanting it?” 
 

The reality is that he is with you, and if you have a good, healthy, and mutually fun sex life that’s all you need to know. You Doubting his sexuality will undermine the relationship.

Also don’t worry about “being more progressive”, if that’s not you don’t be pressured by external forces to live a lie. 

Thank you

[spinstermanquee]

Beautyanx, when i was in my late teens I had a BF that had some experiences (although they were consensual).  It did not impact his later decisions to marry and have children with a female partner.  It was just an exploration in his case.  In your BF's case, it was a trauma not a choice and I would not hold it against him - rather... he made himself vulnerable to you by confiding this info and just by this very act is showing you how much he loves you.  In general, people don't hand you a stick big enough to beat them over the head with unless they really care.  Please don't beat him.

[Beautyanx]

3 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

In general, people don't hand you a stick big enough to beat them over the head with unless they really care.  Please don't beat him.

I really appreciate this response. Thank you, I will remember these words. This all is just rocky and unexplored territory for me which makes me a little uncomfortable but I’m working through my own insecurities. He’s a wonderful man and I’d never want to hurt him. Thanks again. 

[smackie9]

Lots of people have gone through this and are just fine. He dealt with it, went to therapy, he took care of it. BTW it's perfectly normal to be "sexually curious", and that doesn't make you gay, or bi. Teenagers will fall into these situations and it usually becomes a thing of the past.

You can't get your head around it because you never had the experience. You were taught to think one way and one way only. No one, not even him can expect you to accept this. You are who you are. I think just by being supportive it will make this easier for the both of you. 

[Jaunty]

People who were sexually abused as children usually have an internal conflict because what happened felt pleasurable physically.   

It doesn't mean that they're "into" whatever scenario was put upon them during the abuse, or the gender / sex / age etc. of the perpetrator.  

Also many people have had some sexual encounters that were "experimental" with a same sex partner.  It doesn't mean that they're looking for more of that as they go forward in their lives.

Also, though this doesn't necessarily apply to your bf,  people who actually are bisexual and not abuse victims are just as capable of being in love and monogamous as heterosexual or gay people.  The fact that they are sexually attracted to a wider range of human beings doesn't make them a bad risk for a relationship.

All the way around, nothing that has gone on with your bf is reason for you to feel insecure.   I think you should feel very secure because he trusted you enough to share his experiences. 

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I think you should feel very secure because he trusted you enough to share his experiences. 

This was my thought, too. He didn't have to tell you any of this. It's also not like he spilled it prematurely and indiscriminately the way some people do when they barely know someone. In those cases it's more about having an audience for their 'story' rather than having built an intimate trust with someone important.

Nobody here can tell you how you 'should' feel. You're the one with years of experience with this man, and you either love him enough to contend with your feelings to learn whether you can work through them, or not.

If so, then don't pressure yourself to feel a certain way automatically--it's a process. If not, it doesn't make you a villain--because if you don't love him enough, then it would have been this or something else that would prompt you 'out' regardless of the reason. That's for you to know in privacy. We are never required to build a 'case' for a breakup. There is no judge or jury to whom you must answer. Our love lives don't require anyone else's approval. We're each entitled to pursue our own happiness.

[jacongeller]

I recently watched Insecure in relationship and I was really impressed. The movie follows the story of a couple who are struggling with the challenges of a long-distance relationship. The characters are well-developed and their struggles are portrayed realistically. The movie also touches on the importance of communication and how it can help couples stay connected. The cinematography is beautiful and the soundtrack is amazing. Overall, I highly recommend Insecure in relationship to anyone looking for a heartfelt drama about modern relationships.