Acting Out In Anger

[LostInTranslation]

How often do we say the harshest and meanest things to the ones we love?

 

My girlfriend and I had a huge fight about breaking up yesterday. She told me she swore to God that she wanted me gone. She said she will be fine with me out of her life. She said to never call her again.

 

Recently, she said to me that I have no idea about how much she cares for me and NEEDS me in her life. And now this. She also had said that she says mean things to help her be strong, even though she doesn't mean it.

 

Should I just believe she is so upset that the situation escalated her anger towards me? Even though she says she never means it when she acts out in anger, it felt so real this time.

 

Anyone ever dealt with this?

[porcupine7578]

When people get emotional.....they say a lot of things they don't mean. Sometimes girls say things like that because they want a REACTION. They want you to be shocked and want you to react just as emotionally as she is because this might mean that you care just as much as she does.

 

I would say in those cases....just cool off and try to talk calmly in a few days.

 

Another question you should ask is whether YOU are ok with all the drama.

[DN]

I agree with purcupine. If he is causing you more pain thatn pleasure and won't change, then you should consider walking away. But try learning how to communicate better with each other first. There are ways of doing that without anger and hurtful words- you just have to learn and practice. Of course, she has to be a part of that as well.

[LostInTranslation]

porcupine,

Thanks for responding. My reaction to the whole thing was emotional on my part as well. I tend to handle things rationally while she handles things in anger. I did cry a few tears when she told me all these hurtful things. But all she said was that there was nothing she could do to make me feel better. So I then just wiped my tears and left her.

 

I left her a message last night apologizing for everything. I didn't get a return call as expected.

 

I was thinking of calling her in a few days like you suggested. I think it would help her to calm down if I'm not in her face, but also for her to decide if she still wants me to go on our trip next weekend. I'm sure those plans have been cancelled.

 

I'm not okay with this situatiom although I'm handling it quite well. I always want to reconcile differences with the ones I love, but she has a brick wall in front of her whenever it gets this bad for us.

[chai714]

You need to learn how to fight clean. Establish limits when you fight with her. Believe it or not, there are rules to fighting. To engage in fights that involve the harshest of words only causes invisible damage to the relationship, and quietly causes despise which eventually leads to a breakup. Work on fighting clean, and not raising your voice. It appears as if things are escalating so much that all logical awareness becomes abscent and it becomes emotional, impulsive fighting. You two can work on this. It requires communication, and establishing what can and can't be said during disagreements. Work on it.

[reflectionlessmirror]

she was probably saying what she WISHED she felt. She might NOT want to be as dependent on you as she is. It is very scary when you know someone has control of your heart. I know that with my ex, most everytime we fought i would say "I wish i didnt love you". This seemed to bother him, but i really did wish it, cause i didnt like how when he and my realationship was having problems it cast a glum shroud on my entire life. She probabley wishes that she didnt need you as much as she does cause that idea of not having you is scary. Trust me, there are strong feelings in your realationship!

[LostInTranslation]

DN,

It is very true that she should learn to change her ways when we disagree. I have tried leaving her before, only for her to tell me she needs me and not to go. I must say she has put in great effort to change her ways towards me. She is very abrasive and has passive-aggressive tendencies, but I still love her for who she is.

 

 

chai714,

Your idea of "fighting clean" is great. We have never really established a calm way to reconcile differences. Our relationship has always been really great or really bad, no middle ground. This is something I can discuss with her for the future if we even have a future.

 

reflectionlessmirror,

Your response makes me feel so much better. She has said that she wished I would go away so that she wouldn't fall more in love with me. I told her that I would never give up on her, but I feel like I have this time because her words felt so sincere.

[Falucchi]

My brother married a woman like that, forgiving her little "outbursts" and thinking she'll "change" when they get "settled" and accepted her reasoning that she "doesn't mean it" when she calls him names, kicks him out of the house, and makes their kids cry. Oh yeah, and since he "made her mad" she goes shopping and spends all their money, leaving him to try to come up with the house payment.

 

They say, you teach people how to treat you.

He's taught her that she can act like a spoiled, mean, nasty little brat and that's OK as long as she says "sorry" afterwards. Or now, she says "Well, YOU made me MAD" instead of sorry. She's never had the need to learn self-control-- why should she act like a mature adult when she can act like a bratty little jerK? Works for her.

 

Meanwhile, my brother stays with the dumb cow, because of the kids, and he is getting to the point where he not only hates the very site of her, but can't wait to leave when the kids are older.

 

Still, it's HIS fault for allowing it to happen more than 1 time. Like I said, you teach people how to treat you. Without boundaries, anything goes, including respect.

[reflectionlessmirror]

Her words may have felt so sincere because like i said, it is scary when you are in a relationship. Trust me, i loved my ex (and unfortunatley still do) more than i have ever loved any one in my life. I can assure you just from what you have supplied us with that she does not really want you out of her life, that is the LAST thing she wants! She wants that fear of loosing you out of her life. That is what she hates, what she yells at, what she fights with. Matter of fact, to help tone down your "Fights" as DN had suggested, refer to them as "disagreements", not fights. The english language is very visual. "fight" means opponents. You are on the SAME team, a disagreement sets the tone to discuss things like adults. Fight just sounds like an all out war.