I broke up with my best friend over text and now she's treating me like I'm see-through?

[WanderorWonder]

I met "Angela" in my freshman year of college. (We're seniors now.) We became close friends very fast and I felt I found a kindred spirit in her. But Angela also constantly made racist/sexist/homophobic comments that bothered me. (We're both POC and she dealt with a lot of self-hate issues, putting down her own ethnicity, people from my ethnicity, and had other religious-fueled sexist and homophobic views.)

I (naively) thought that I could be a positive influence in her life and would try to counter her comments, but to no avail.

Over time, I started disliking other aspects of her personality and partially felt incompatible with her, like I couldn't fully be myself with her. This confused me for a long time, because she was also kind, funny, generous and thoughtful in many other ways. It's clear to me now that Angela should have faded into an acquaintance/I should have found other people I was more compatible with and had more respect for, but I had been homeschooled before meeting Angela and was out of practice with friendships and have learned a lot since then.

Over the summer break, after several weeks of us not speaking much, I sent a "it's not you, it's me" text to Angela, that I've been rethinking a lot in my life including my friendship with her, that I always felt I couldn't be full self around her, and that I didn't want to break up with her all at once but that I wanted to be honest with her now.

She responded supportively, and on the first day back, we saw each other in a group setting and talked amicably in passing. But every time I saw her after that, passing in the hallway or across a room, she would go dead face/turn away/ignore my waves/go out her way to leave the room if she could.

I later sent a text calling her out on it, that my text to her over the summer was not a pass for her to treat me like trash, and that she is still friends with people who treated her much worse with no explanation or apology, yet I receive this from her.

I can go into how she responded if someone asks (she ultimately said she was "trying to give me space") and how our later in-person conversation went, but right now, I want to know if I did anything wrong in all of this.

[Seraphim]

No, you did nothing wrong. I think though after telling someone that you don’t really want to be their friend anymore you shouldn’t expect to be buddies and friend behaviour, that is naïve. I wouldn’t bother with someone who had so many prejudices. You can’t save the world. That takes time to learn as well. Cut your losses and find others that fit friendship requirements rather than trying to change them to meet your values. 

[WanderorWonder]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

No, you did nothing wrong. I think though after telling someone that you don’t really want to be their friend anymore you shouldn’t expect to be buddies and friend behaviour, that is naïve. I wouldn’t bother with someone who had so many prejudices. You can’t save the world. That takes time to learn as well. Cut your losses and find others that fit friendship requirements rather than trying to change them to meet your values. 

That makes sense. I will say I wasn't expecting things to be the same after I sent my break-up text, but I wasn't expecting to be treated as a stranger. But I should have recognized she was processing it her way. I look back and really cringe on calling her out on it, because that second text was quite harsh.

[Seraphim]

To be fair if someone didn’t want to be friends with me I would react like she did. You’re now basic stranger . Why would someone want to be friendly with someone who doesn’t want to be with them? That doesn’t make a lot of sense, right ? 

[Jaunty]

What you did "wrong" was calling her out on her behavior, especially pointing out how you perceive she acts with people who "treated her much worse."   

You broke up with her.  I do not think that was wrong of you - but I do think it's pretty understandable for her to act towards you the way that she is.  I'd probably do the same myself.

[Capricorn3]

26 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

To be fair if someone didn’t want to be friends with me I would react like she did. You’re now basic stranger . Why would someone want to be friendly with someone who doesn’t want to be with them? That doesn’t make a lot of sense, right ? 

^ I second the above.  Totally agree.

[Cherylyn]

Treat her the same way.  Go NC (no contact) permanently.  When you see her in the future,  ignore her.  Treat people the same way they treat you always. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, WanderorWonder said:

I later sent a text calling her out on it, that my text to her over the summer was not a pass for her to treat me like trash,

She isn't treating you like trash. She is avoiding you. 

And she can ignore you if she chooses. That's her prerogative. Your expectation that she would still be friendly with you is unrealistic. You ended the friendship (which was wise), so you need to understand that she won't want to be chummy with you or say hi when she sees you now. That makes sense. You weren't wrong to end the friendship but you were wrong to feel entitled to call her out for avoiding you now and expecting anything at all from her. 

You need to let that go so you can move past her. 

[Kwothe28]

I remember your story. Dunno why you asked the same question again though.

That is why you "slow fade", not "break up" things with friends especially when you see them on daily basis. What did you expect that would happen? Its you who broke up friendship, now you deal with consequences of that decision. One of them is that she would not be nice to you and ignore you.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others and also that sort of message should be delivered in person or over the phone not as a text unless it's a response to a nasty text and even then it should be bland and stick to the logistics.  You were hiding behind a screen - in a way you avoided her as well because you probably wanted the safety of typing instead of having to have a back and forth conversation and perhaps hear her out too.  

I think your expectations are unrealistic and I agree with the others.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[WanderorWonder]

Hi all, 

I agree with all your opinions. I'm going to give her space and just let this experience teach me how to handle friendships/break ups better in the future. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[SunshineBaby7]

Heck, at least she got a text kind of breaking things off... I'm a lot older now and most people just "ghost you" and I feel like that is much worse then sending a text because at least you kind of informed her without ghosting her if that makes sense. 

[WanderorWonder]

12 minutes ago, SunshineBaby7 said:

Heck, at least she got a text kind of breaking things off... I'm a lot older now and most people just "ghost you" and I feel like that is much worse then sending a text because at least you kind of informed her without ghosting her if that makes sense. 

With how close we were, she deserved a conversation. Or at the least a gentle distancing approach. I see how I could have went about it better, still.

[zomboidcharm]

Given the reverse, how would you react? You said you weren't friends any more, so she stopped acting like a friend. Regardless of how "well" she took it, you probably hurt her. It's a good idea for both of you to get some space, and maybe you'll be able to act normal in future. But right now she's probably doing what's best for her (and you) to move on.