My girlfriend says how much she “wants me” but then takes no action

[Nebraskagirl14]

Hi, all-

My girlfriend has always claimed to love sex and we have always had a great sexual connection, but as time has gone on and our intimacy has actually increased (especially emotionally), our sex life has decreased. I have heard this happens sometimes when people have an avoidant attachment style, which she does. She has other had other life stuff that has happened, but she just doesn’t make sex a priority. However, what is hurtful to me is that she will tell me how much she wants me and want to have me “tonight,” and when we get in bed, she'll say, “Should we watch tv?” And I honestly think that’s just kind of messed up. She has done it many times to me. When I addressed it this weekend and we had a conversation about intimacy issues and I thought it was a good conversation, but then today, when I brought it up again because I was leaving and I asked if she would give some thought as to what would help her feel more comfortable in getting back into a groove, she said I was bullying her and pressing her and that I brought it up every day. I reminded her that half the days I was there, she brought it up by talking about how much she wanted it but then made no efforts to actually carve out time for us to be intimate. She still blames me. She doesn’t want me to bring it up. If we don’t resolve it, I know for a fact she will never (or rarely) initiate it. I know it isn’t an attraction issue. She is painfully honest and would actually tell me if it was. She really has never initiated, even in the beginning. 
 

So, I left today in tears because she said I was bullying her which is not true whatsoever and she doesn’t see how telling me constantly how much she wants me and then just wants to watch TV at night is hurtful to me. 

I would love your advice. I haven’t experienced this before. She says it’s an intimacy issue, but then she gave me like 6 other reasons why. I have no idea what the actual reason is. Her solution is to not talk about it anymore and my solution is to actually communicate and find a way forward. 

When she gets upset, she goes from 0 to 60 in like a nanosecond and everything is my fault. When I asked why she tells me she wants me if she doesn’t, she said, “I just won’t tell you that anymore then.” Like that is her solution? 

I’m just very bummed. We have had a lot of hurdles in this young relationship and have come through many of them, but if there is triggering, it’s really bad. I would understand if she said she needed time and patience. But I don’t understand the mixed messages. She is honest to a fault and so while I wish she would just say, "I don't want to make love with you or I'm not attracted to you" she tells me she DOES want it and she has never been more attracted to anyone. I'm confused. I would never want anyone to feel pressure around sex. I just want to understand. She ended up saying, "Maybe we should take a break since I'm not in a good place right now" and yesterday she was talking about marriage. I can't keep up.

Thanks, all. 

[smackie9]

So what are you doing for romance, making things romantic outside the bedroom? 

First step would be to get that TV out of your bedroom. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

We went on a romantic date last night. Massages and dinner for our anniversary. I make her dinner. I bring her flowers. We have deep conversations. I give her massages almost every night. I take care of and love her dogs while I'm there. I do our grocery shopping. I have taken her to the spa. She is more than happy with our outside the bedroom intimacy.

[smackie9]

Maybe she needs you more as a friend rather than a lover. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Maybe she needs you more as a friend rather than a lover. 

Could be. She hasn’t said that, but it’s possible.

[JohnLee]

You are doing a lot trying to maintain this relationship. Does she give you massages back? If she doesn't, it seems like a one-way relationship. You will never be happy with her. Don't force sex, it has to be a mutual attraction.

[boltnrun]

Were you able to resolve the issue with her "special friend"?

It seems like she stonewalls and puts barriers between the two of you. Do you find that appealing for some reason? Do you feel it would be extra special if you could get her to love you the way you want to be loved?

[Nebraskagirl14]

 

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Were you able to resolve the issue with her "special friend"?

It seems like she stonewalls and puts barriers between the two of you. Do you find that appealing for some reason? Do you feel it would be extra special if you could get her to love you the way you want to be loved?

Yes. She apparently had a conversation with the friend. I think what keeps me drawn in the most is that we will have these amazing times with incredible connection and I know the relationship has come such a long way, but I do feel she puts intimacy barriers up, yes. As to your last question, I know that is likely part of my subsconscious to get her love, yes. I’m definitely working on my codependencies. I think my main question was, is it just me being sensitive around her telling me she wants to have sex and then rarely actually wanting to and never initiating? Or is that a truly crappy thing to do? I have never experienced it before. I do end up questioning my reality after our conversations. 

[boltnrun]

It's working like a charm for her because it's keeping you interested, intrigued and apparently in love with her.

People continue to do things if they're successful. If you shut down her behavior with solid boundaries instead of crying or saying you love her or even with "talks" she would stop manipulating you. But as long as her actions result in you rewarding her with massages and flowers and the like she will continue.

Let's say you walk up to me and slap me in the face. I cry, but then I bring you flowers and tell you I Iove you. Then you slap me in the face again and I cry but then buy you a romantic dinner and tell you I love you. Would you conclude I like getting slapped in the face?

My awful ex told me something that has always stuck with me. I was complaining about how poorly he treated me and he said "Yeah, I treat you like crap but you keep coming back. So I figured you like being treated like crap."  I mean, was he wrong?

I don't see it as you "being sensitive " but rather that you have poor boundaries or that you are fearful of setting boundaries as evidenced by your previous thread.

Where did you get the idea that asking for what you want and expecting to be treated with respect is "being sensitive" or wrong?

[Nebraskagirl14]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's working like a charm for her because it's keeping you interested, intrigued and apparently in love with her.

People continue to do things if they're successful. If you shut down her behavior with solid boundaries instead of crying or saying you love her or even with "talks" she would stop manipulating you. But as long as her actions result in you rewarding her with massages and flowers and the like she will continue.

Let's say you walk up to me and slap me in the face. I cry, but then I bring you flowers and tell you I Iove you. Then you slap me in the face again and I cry but then buy you a romantic dinner and tell you I love you. Would you conclude I like getting slapped in the face?

My awful ex told me something that has always stuck with me. I was complaining about how poorly he treated me and he said "Yeah, I treat you like crap but you keep coming back. So I figured you like being treated like crap."  I mean, was he wrong?

I don't see it as you "being sensitive " but rather that you have poor boundaries or that you are fearful of setting boundaries as evidenced by your previous thread.

Where did you get the idea that asking for what you want and expecting to be treated with respect is "being sensitive" or wrong?

Thanks for this, BoltnRun. All valid points. Well, part of was growing up not feeling validated. I have set boundaries with my girlfriend but it took me a long time because I found her to her be volatile in the beginning. Should I have walked away then? Perhaps. She was telling me that I was volatile. So then I was like… am I doing this? I’m not a weak person by any means, but I like to be reflective. Anyway, around the sex topic, it isn’t a topic where I feel I can set many boundaries. What do you say? She knows I am not okay having a sexless relationship and it hasn’t been a considerably long time since we had sex. I have no idea how to set boundaries around this particular topic. I’m pretty good about boundaries in other areas now, but what do you do when someone says they want you and then make no effort? She is now calling me a bully and says she has every right to change her mind about sexual intimacy and I feel like when you tell your girlfriend that you constantly want her, don’t initiate sexual intimacy because you would rather watch tv and then get upset when she says something about it, you’re manipulative, insensitive, controlling and unreasonable. That is how I feel. She feels like I’m just hyper-focused on sex which is laughable because my libido has never been very high and I have always been the one in relationships with lower libido. In our last conversation, she called this “drama” and blamed in on my having PMS. So, yes. If that isn’t gaslighting at its finest, I don’t know what is. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

This is just another example of her asserting complete and total control over you. She sets the rules. You fall in line. She calls you horrible names. Instead of saying "if you truly think I'm those things then we don't belong in a relationship" you keep trying to find ways to get her approval and love by stifling your own very reasonable needs and desires.

With everything this woman has put you through, the fact that you still find her alluring and attractive and worthy of your love and devotion is puzzling, to say the least. 

You know you could have good times with a woman who doesn't manipulate and gaslight you and call you terrible names. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is just another example of her asserting complete and total control over you. She sets the rules. You fall in line. She calls you horrible names. Instead of saying "if you truly think I'm those things then we don't belong in a relationship" you keep trying to find ways to get her approval and love by stifling your own very reasonable needs and desires.

With everything this woman has put you through, the fact that you still find her alluring and attractive and worthy of your love and devotion is puzzling, to say the least. 

You know you could have good times with a woman who doesn't manipulate and gaslight you and call you terrible names. 

You’re right. Thank you. I need to take a good hard look at what I am doing… I appreciate it. I needed to hear this, Boltnrun. Thank you again. 

[boltnrun]

I think your questions might be boiled down to "How can I get my girlfriend to stop being manipulative, inconsiderate and mean to me?" And my questions to you are "Why do you want to give your love to someone who's manipulative, inconsiderate and mean?"

There are so many women out there who you can have a lot of good, fun times with, who would desire a mutually satisfying intimate relationship with you and who would willingly give their love to you.

This one seems to come at a steep price. Do you feel she's worth paying that steep price? Is she worth all that that you'd have to give up in order to keep her?

[Nebraskagirl14]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think your questions might be boiled down to "How can I get my girlfriend to stop being manipulative, inconsiderate and mean to me?" And my questions to you are "Why do you want to give your love to someone who's manipulative, inconsiderate and mean?"

There are so many women out there who you can have a lot of good, fun times with, who would desire a mutually satisfying intimate relationship with you and who would willingly give their love to you.

This one seems to come at a steep price. Do you feel she's worth paying that steep price? Is she worth all that that you'd have to give up in order to keep her?

I guess part of my fear is that I haven’t found that yet. I have found nice women to whom I was not sexually attracted. I have found relationships that were calm and healthy but where we were mismatched in other important ways. Maybe I feel like I just won’t do better and so I focus on all the ways this does work and is what I want and I minimize the unhealthy things. 

 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

Something about her behavior, although over a different topic, reminds me of a toxic man I was in a one-year relationship many years ago.

My guess for him, and your gf, is that they have such severe issues, that for some reason, they are acting out and truly enjoy their games--basically emotionally torturing their companion.

His had to do with being a workaholic. He worked about 12-hour days Mon. to Fri., and then a 7 hour day on Saturdays. He'd get my hopes up that he actually wouldn't work on a Saturday, or cut off a few hours from Saturday work, so we could do something fun. It never happened.

Similarly, he had a low libido, although didn't seem to play mind games about it. I know how it feels though, to be frustrated in that area. And my brain told me I was the same woman he desired during the honeymoon stage, but I couldn't help feeling undesirable, and it was a horrible feeling.

I also had a friend when I was a teen who secretly enjoyed breaking other people's possessions. It was clear and everyone could see it.

It doesn't matter what these people's issues are. Leave them to it, but it doesn't mean you should subject yourself to being around them.

When I got time and distance away from that man, I realized my self-love wasn't as healthy as I thought it'd been. He then texted me about 5 months later after breaking up with me, and by that time, I was strong enough to tell him, "No thanks."

The next man I dated was a million times better and who was worthy of me. We've now been married for 11 years.

Be like Goldilocks and keep on searching. Don't settle for too hard or too soft. "Just right" is not settling.

 

 

 

[Nebraskagirl14]

34 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Something about her behavior, although over a different topic, reminds me of a toxic man I was in a one-year relationship many years ago.

My guess for him, and your gf, is that they have such severe issues, that for some reason, they are acting out and truly enjoy their games--basically emotionally torturing their companion.

His had to do with being a workaholic. He worked about 12-hour days Mon. to Fri., and then a 7 hour day on Saturdays. He'd get my hopes up that he actually wouldn't work on a Saturday, or cut off a few hours from Saturday work, so we could do something fun. It never happened.

Similarly, he had a low libido, although didn't seem to play mind games about it. I know how it feels though, to be frustrated in that area. And my brain told me I was the same woman he desired during the honeymoon stage, but I couldn't help feeling undesirable, and it was a horrible feeling.

I also had a friend when I was a teen who secretly enjoyed breaking other people's possessions. It was clear and everyone could see it.

It doesn't matter what these people's issues are. Leave them to it, but it doesn't mean you should subject yourself to being around them.

When I got time and distance away from that man, I realized my self-love wasn't as healthy as I thought it'd been. He then texted me about 5 months later after breaking up with me, and by that time, I was strong enough to tell him, "No thanks."

The next man I dated was a million times better and who was worthy of me. We've now been married for 11 years.

Be like Goldilocks and keep on searching. Don't settle for too hard or too soft. "Just right" is not settling.

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing this, Andrina. Wow. Yes, it sounds similar. There are so many false promises. It’s hard to see it as well when you are in it. Thank you very, very much… 

[boltnrun]

43 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

I guess part of my fear is that I haven’t found that yet. I have found nice women to whom I was not sexually attracted. I have found relationships that were calm and healthy but where we were mismatched in other important ways. Maybe I feel like I just won’t do better and so I focus on all the ways this does work and is what I want and I minimize the unhealthy things. 

 

 

 

 

But this is something about your mindset you can change. You find challenging women alluring, exciting and irresistible. Calm, secure, loving women are viewed as "mismatched", dare I say BORING. As long as you're chasing that high of the unattainable woman you will never find peace. 

Her schtick is keeping you off balance. You'll never get it right because her goal isn't for you to get it right. Her goal is to own you, to control the relationship and to get what she wants out of you. She will perpetually be just a bit dissatisfied to keep you stumbling around trying to satisfy her.

As I wrote before, she does this because it works for her. It proves to her that she can do and say anything and you'll stay, doing servant like favors for her and telling her you love her. Win-win for her, not so much for you.

I wondered before if her price is worth it to you. Are those fun moments worth being manipulated and called horrible names and being told the things she says to you? Do you want to change your mindset that somehow a "difficult" woman has a higher value? Or maybe this works for you. If so, you have to know and accept what you're signing up for. She isn't interested in "changing", not as long as the situation works out so well for her. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But this is something about your mindset you can change. You find challenging women alluring, exciting and irresistible. Calm, secure, loving women are viewed as "mismatched", dare I say BORING. As long as you're chasing that high of the unattainable woman you will never find peace. 

Her schtick is keeping you off balance. You'll never get it right because her goal isn't for you to get it right. Her goal is to own you, to control the relationship and to get what she wants out of you. She will perpetually be just a bit dissatisfied to keep you stumbling around trying to satisfy her.

As I wrote before, she does this because it works for her. It proves to her that she can do and say anything and you'll stay, doing servant like favors for her and telling her you love her. Win-win for her, not so much for you.

I wondered before if her price is worth it to you. Are those fun moments worth being manipulated and called horrible names and being told the things she says to you? Do you want to change your mindset that somehow a "difficult" woman has a higher value? Or maybe this works for you. If so, you have to know and accept what you're signing up for. She isn't interested in "changing", not as long as the situation works out so well for her. 

No, nothing is worth being manipulated and controlled. And I didn’t mean to say earlier that easier women are boring. I just haven’t found the right match of kind and even-keeled and also with whom I have immense chemistry. And yes, it could very well be that it’s chasing a high with unavailable women, for sure. I thought I had broken that pattern, but it would seem not. She said to me today that she feels that as soon as we start to have deeper intimacy, I inevitably do something to sabotage it. And I was like… are you f*ucking kidding me? I didn’t say that but that is clearly a projection. And that is why I always leave an argument confused. Like, why are saying I’m gaslighting you when you are gaslighting me? Why are you saying I am sabotaging the intimacy when you are? It keeps me in a state of confusion, for sure. 

[boltnrun]

You may not even be aware that you can't get attracted to nice women because you find difficult women so alluring. It's that old stereotype "bad girl" vs. Girl Next Door. 

You could change that mindset but you would have to want to. You would have to decide that a secure, loving relationship with someone who cherishes and respects you and who would never dream of saying such horrible things to you is what you want. 

But...if you want to stay off balance because you find it exciting it wouldn't make sense to complain when she acts like that. It's like ordering the burger and being surprised there's meat in it. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You may not even be aware that you can't get attracted to nice women because you find difficult women so alluring. It's that old stereotype "bad girl" vs. Girl Next Door. 

You could change that mindset but you would have to want to. You would have to decide that a secure, loving relationship with someone who cherishes and respects you and who would never dream of saying such horrible things to you is what you want. 

But...if you want to stay off balance because you find it exciting it wouldn't make sense to complain when she acts like that. It's like ordering the burger and being surprised there's meat in it. 

Thank you. I agree with you 100%. Or I guess staying with someone that doesn’t treat you well and complaining about it is like ordering  a burger and being pissed that it isn’t something else. I do want a secure and equal loving partnership, for sure… I appreciate your replies, BnR. When I asked a friend of mine who is very secure and very wise about this, she said, “Well maybe she is insecure about her body and is getting in her head.” So, again, it comes back to me going okay, am I being unreasonable? But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your partner to actually want you physically once in awhile. To not always have to take the back seat to everything else in her life. But like you said, staying and complaining when you see the writing on the wall isn’t good either. My perspective has been, how much of this is fixable and how much isn’t? 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

how much of this is fixable and how much isn’t? 

That question can be answered by, number one, has she indicated she wants to change and number two, what is she willing to do to fix it?

[Nebraskagirl14]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That question can be answered by, number one, has she indicated she wants to change and number two, what is she willing to do to fix it?

She has indicated that she wants to change but I am not sure she knows what she is willing to do… good question.

[smackie9]

13 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

She has indicated that she wants to change 

That's could be more manipulation...telling you what you want to hear to pacify you or deflect. 

[Batya33]

I think if you have “hurdles “ in a young relationship that’s your answer. If you find yourself resorting to psycho speak and $100 dollar words of psychological jargon to justify basic rudeness and disrespect there’s your answer.  
I think partly you like the thrill of the chase. And the “volatility “. I think you seek “immense” chemistry because solid secure lasting love and caring doesn’t give you the rush or challenge you’re seeking. 
you phrase your question as if it’s in a vacuum but you know it’s not. It’s contextual. This person is not a good match for you for a potentially serious relationship. And playing all wifey and running errands for her and caring for her dogs and twisting yourself in a pretzel isn’t gonna change that. I’m sorry. 

[boltnrun]

14 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

She has indicated that she wants to change but I am not sure she knows what she is willing to do… good question.

What exactly does she want to "change"? Her gaslighting? Her rudeness in the belittling and insulting way she speaks to you? Her manipulation? Does she admit she gaslights and manipulates you and unfairly accuses you of having terrible personal characteristics?