I can't move past the jealousy

[MissCanuck]

Would you be able to handle it if you knew he thinks she's a hottie, but has no feelings for her? 

Because that's all I'm really getting here - that he finds her attractive, and likes her as a person, but that's it. 

[redswim30]

1 hour ago, jessb86a said:

Thank you for the reply. She is the same age as me, but yes, she is very attractive and is most of what you said! The thing is, he doesn't just look - he talks to her a lot and I just fear that there's an emotional attraction there as well as a physical one. The physical one I could live with, but I know he likes her as a person too. So put the two together and the fact he chats to her daily, makes me so jealous! 

I don't mind my boyfriend glancing at strangers or co-workers, but one I think he fancies physically and also likes as a person too, seems too much to take for me! 

OP, 

I say this a lot, because it's important to remember for anyone in a long term relationship or anyone who ever wants to be in a monogamous relationship or a long marriage- We live in a co-ed world. 

Being in a relationship does not mean you are NEVER going to find someone else attractive, interesting, funny, kind, etc.  You both will.  What's important is ACTIONS and having TRUST in and RESPECT for one another. 

Also, NO ONE can EVER be 100% certain their partner isn't cheating on them unless you are with them 24/7.    It all comes down to respect and trust.   And if you DON'T trust that your partner doesn't value you or your relationship, then why are you even with them?   I've said an immediate goodbye to any man that believed I was just going to immediately hop into bed with someone else.  Because, it means they don't trust me.  But more importantly, it means they don't respect me as a person by trusting my judgment.

You can't control someone else's feelings.  You can't control how he feels about every person, just as he can't control how you feel about every person you ever encounter.   And you wouldn't WANT a relationship like this.  Imagine yourself talking to a male co-worker- would you want your BF interrogating you with things like "WHY did you laugh at what he said?  Do you think he's interesting?  Why do you find him interesting?  Why do find him funny?".  See what I mean?  People aren't property and the more we try to control their feelings and actions, the more people want to lash out against that. 

You are never going to control his thoughts, so don't even try.  What matters is ACTIONS, and even then- this goes along with trust.  You have to trust that no matter IF HE DID find someone attractive (or vice versa if YOU found someone else attractive)- or even if that person came onto him- You have to trust that he cares about you enough to respect your relationship and not do anything about it.   And conversely, you are likely going to find other men attractive, if your relationship continues into years.   

It's one thing if someone is giving you CAUSE to be worried.  Things like acting strangely, changing their usual routine/habits, being gone at a random time, catching someone in a lie, treating you differently, etc.  But if your partner has given you NO cause, then it is likely just your paranoid/insecurity/fear at play.  No partner ever thanked their partner for assuming the worst of them when they have done nothing wrong. 

I had to learn as a younger person to reign in my insecurity.  I learned that it's not really that other person you're worried about(other people exist and always will), it's YOUR PARTNER and your worry about what they might do.  And again, why would you want to be with someone you don't trust?  And if you find you don't trust them, end the relationship. 

 

[happy1]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Would you be able to handle it if you knew he thinks she's a hottie, but has no feelings for her? 

Because that's all I'm really getting here - that he finds her attractive, and likes her as a person, but that's it. 

If I could be sure that he had no real feelings for her, yes. But my mind keeps telling me he has had feelings for her and I just can't seem to shake them! 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, jessb86a said:

If I could be sure that he had no real feelings for her, yes. But my mind keeps telling me he has had feelings for her and I just can't seem to shake them! 

When has he said he has feelings for her? When has he said he wishes he was dating her and not you? How many times has he asked her out on a date? How many times has he gone to her house alone or how many times has she been to his house? How frequently do they text or message one another? Do their messages use emojis such as a heart or do either of them end their messages with "xx"? Has he done ANYTHING to indicate he wants to be with her and not you?

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

But my mind keeps telling me he has had feelings for her 

Do you believe he still does? 

Because nothing you have written here suggests that. Yeah, he might check her out once in a while but I really see nothing noteworthy beyond that. 

Work instead on managing your insecurity so you don't suffocate the life out of this relationship.

[happy1]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When has he said he has feelings for her? When has he said he wishes he was dating her and not you? How many times has he asked her out on a date? How many times has he gone to her house alone or how many times has she been to his house? How frequently do they text or message one another? Do their messages use emojis such as a heart or do either of them end their messages with "xx"? Has he done ANYTHING to indicate he wants to be with her and not you?

None of this has happened that I'm aware of. I know of a few messages that have been sent between them, but all work-related that I know of. Starting to see it could be my mind sending me down the wrong path....Thank you. 

[happy1]

17 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you believe he still does? 

Because nothing you have written here suggests that. Yeah, he might check her out once in a while but I really see nothing noteworthy beyond that. 

Work instead on managing your insecurity so you don't suffocate the life out of this relationship.

Thank you. Your reply has been very helpful. I'm very grateful to have people on the outside seeing it rationally as it's been driving me mad!

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

None of this has happened that I'm aware of. I know of a few messages that have been sent between them, but all work-related that I know of. Starting to see it could be my mind sending me down the wrong path....Thank you. 

So what are you planning to do the next time your "mind" tells you it's a good idea to ask him YET AGAIN if he likes her or that you should ask him YET AGAIN if he really wants to be with you and not her?

[happy1]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

So what are you planning to do the next time your "mind" tells you it's a good idea to ask him YET AGAIN if he likes her or that you should ask him YET AGAIN if he really wants to be with you and not her?

Good question! I haven't figured that out yet as I'm only just starting to see that a lot of this could be my own insecurities. I would be so tempted to seek more reassurance from him, but from reading the messages on here today, I'm hearing that would only push him away, and eventually he'd end it. I think I definitely need to talk through my low self-worth with a professional, but in the meantime while I am working on myself, I'm not sure how I could deal with my jealousy when it creeps in. Any ideas? 

[boltnrun]

I was diagnosed with anxiety at the very high end of the scale. Once I learned to recognize the symptoms of an anxious episode I taught myself to do this: I ask myself, is this my anxiety spiking again? Oh yeah, it sure is. OK, now what exactly is triggering this anxious feeling? And I stop and concentrate until I determine the trigger. Once I've identified the trigger I ask myself if it's truly something I need to be fearful of or if it's not a real "thing". Most of the time it's not a real "thing" but rather something I've created inside my own head. Then I ask myself what I can do to manage my anxious feelings.  It's not going to be calling my kids and begging them to come over to sit with me. It's not going to be calling out to work and staying in bed all day. What's a better solution? I envision myself doing something positive and healthy instead, such as going on a nice long walk or cooking something or having a fun conversation with a friend. And then I do one of the positive, healthy things.

Instead of reacting to your boyfriend saying hello to your friend/coworker or looking in her direction by asking him yet again if he likes her or begging him to reassure you yet again do something positive and healthy. Go for a walk or a run. Go to the gym. Get your nails done. Call a friend or your sister or brother or cousin and make plans to go to lunch together. 

Another great way to redirect your thoughts is to do something that requires a lot of concentration, such as a complicated recipe or putting together a piece of furniture like a bookshelf or a storage unit. Or hooking up an electronic device. Or going rock climbing. You won't have time to wonder if your boyfriend likes your friend while you're measuring out half teaspoons of this or that or while you're trying to figure out if tab A goes into slot B or you're trying not to fall off the rock wall. Don't read or listen to music because it's too easy to let your mind wander back to obsessing over your boyfriend. It has to be something that forces you to focus. 

In time you'll be able to train you mind to recognize when you're anxious and how to redirect those thoughts into something productive. 

[happy1]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Instead of reacting to your boyfriend saying hello to your friend/coworker or looking in her direction by asking him yet again if he likes her or begging him to reassure you yet again do something positive and healthy. Go for a walk or a run. Go to the gym. Get your nails done. Call a friend or your sister or brother or cousin and make plans to go to lunch together. 

Wow, thank you so much for this advice and thank you for sharing your own experience. This will help me hugely. I do love running and going to the gym, but I've never thought to do either at the point my thoughts are running away with me so as I can redirect my focus. This makes so mich sense, I can't believe I've never thought to do it before. 

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, jessb86a said:

I've been in a relationship for almost a year now, but I just can't get past my jealousy and it's causing me some distress as it's getting worse, not better. Me and my boyfriend work together, and we work with mostly women. I am not generally jealous, but there is one co-worker, who is a also a good friend of mine, who I heavily suspect my boyfriend has liked in the past. In the  past, before we were together, I noticed he 'liked' a couple of photos of her in her bikini on holiday, I've seen him look at her for longer than is normal, he's seemed a little 'jealous' of her boyfriend when she got with him and he's always talked highly of her and chatted a lot to her. All of this was before we started dating and it never bothered me. In fact, I didn't think about it until a few months into our relationship, obviously when my feelings were getting stronger. I've started going back and thinking of all the above things I mentioned on a regular basis, convincing myself he used to like and may still have feelings. I have sat him down and talked about my feelings and he assured me he has never thought about her romantically. It reassures me for a few days and then I start getting jealous again, especially if I see him even just glancing at her at work.

Well... first of all, this is all at your work!  This never fairs well. 😕 

Second, it is causing you more harm than good... not good either.

3rd, he never liked her romantically, so is just looks - yah, they all do that. Heck, the guy works with mostly women.. a mans haven, lol. He has no way out of this, with it all happening at your workplace.

Is so often mentioned to NOT get involved with co-workers.  Thats your place of profession, not your private life... so, can you either quit there & work elsewhere- or end this relationship.  Look at what it is doing to you 😕 .

 

 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, jessb86a said:

Wow, thank you so much for this advice and thank you for sharing your own experience. This will help me hugely. I do love running and going to the gym, but I've never thought to do either at the point my thoughts are running away with me so as I can redirect my focus. This makes so mich sense, I can't believe I've never thought to do it before. 

I learned these tools with the help of a psychologist. My condition was severe enough that I was unable to work for two months and I needed medication. It doesn't seem like yours is beyond control so I think you can use tools and maybe consider a therapist to guide you if you are unable to redirect your thoughts and focus on your own.

[boltnrun]

Another suggestion is to have a journal. Maybe call it your Positivity Journal. Keep a log of when you have these jealous episodes and how you chose to deal with them.

For example you can have categories like Event (where you describe what happened such as "Boyfriend went into friend's work area to get something and came out smiling".), How it Made Me Feel (where you describe how you felt after witnessing the event), What I Wanted to Do (Confront Boyfriend? Ask him again if he likes her? Beg for reassurance? Cry?) And What I Did Instead (went for a run and to the gym, called a friend and made plans to go out to lunch and shopping, baked oatmeal cookies from scratch) and How I Feel Now (where you record how you felt afterward). No one needs to see this but you, and it can be really helpful to see what upsets you and how you can choose to deal with it in a positive way.

I know, it sounds cheesy, but it's also really helpful. 

[happy1]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Another suggestion is to have a journal. Maybe call it your Positivity Journal. Keep a log of when you have these jealous episodes and how you chose to deal with them.

For example you can have categories like Event (where you describe what happened such as "Boyfriend went into friend's work area to get something and came out smiling".), How it Made Me Feel (where you describe how you felt after witnessing the event), What I Wanted to Do (Confront Boyfriend? Ask him again if he likes her? Beg for reassurance? Cry?) And What I Did Instead (went for a run and to the gym, called a friend and made plans to go out to lunch and shopping, baked oatmeal cookies from scratch) and How I Feel Now (where you record how you felt afterward). No one needs to see this but you, and it can be really helpful to see what upsets you and how you can choose to deal with it in a positive way.

I know, it sounds cheesy, but it's also really helpful. 

Wow! This is AMAZING advice! Thank you SO much. I keep a journal, but I don't structure it like you've suggested and I can see how that would absolutely work wonders for me. Thanks for taking the time to offer these suggestions because I will really take them on board and use them. 😊 

[happy1]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I learned these tools with the help of a psychologist. My condition was severe enough that I was unable to work for two months and I needed medication. It doesn't seem like yours is beyond control so I think you can use tools and maybe consider a therapist to guide you if you are unable to redirect your thoughts and focus on your own.

I get anxious a lot, but I think a few of the techniques you have mentioned will help me so much as I am still able to get about my daily life. I mask well! I am definitely thinking of getting a therapist - I think I need some professional guidance. 

[happy1]

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

so often mentioned to NOT get involved with co-workers.  Thats your place of profession, not your private life... so, can you either quit there & work elsewhere- or end this relationship.  Look at what it is doing to you 😕 .

Thanks for your input. I hear you! 

[happy1]

Thank you for the reply. I need to remember to focus on the actions, not just what's in my head. Thanks for taking the time to write and offer me so much advice. I'm very grateful. 

[Cherylyn]

I don't trust men with a roving eye.  I once heard someone say, "Men, guard your eyes.  Your wife or girlfriend will appreciate it."  I think there's truth to that. 

It's not just a matter of him giving surreptitious glances either.  It's his heart.  If he were truly invested in you, this type of sincere attitude and behavior would be reflective of how he acts in public; not just private reassuring conversations with you. 

Real and true sincerity is exemplary behavior whenever you're not looking over his shoulder.  This is what real, genuine, intuitive trust is. 

Your boyfriend will not change for you.  He is who he is.  Either accept your boyfriend the way he is or choose a boyfriend whom you can trust in your presence AND whenever your back is turned. 

[boltnrun]

I didn't get the impression he's acting inappropriately.

[happy1]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

I don't trust men with a roving eye.  I once heard someone say, "Men, guard your eyes.  Your wife or girlfriend will appreciate it."  I think there's truth to that. 

It's not just a matter of him giving surreptitious glances either.  It's his heart.  If he were truly invested in you, this type of sincere attitude and behavior would be reflective of how he acts in public; not just private reassuring conversations with you. 

Which part of my original post is most alarming to you? This is what I'm trying to establish in my mind: whether I truly believe him when he reassures me. 

[Wonderstruck]

17 hours ago, jessb86a said:

He's seemed a little 'jealous' of her boyfriend when she got with him

 

10 hours ago, jessb86a said:

He said he hasn't, but I have seen him staring at her a few times in the past, liking pictures, commenting negatively about her boyfriend and talking highly of her.

These quotes stood out to me.

If he truly has NO interest in her, why is he speaking negatively about her boyfriend in a jealous way?

 

10 hours ago, jessb86a said:

I have had a little jealousy at the start of past relationships, but I've never felt it as intensely or focused it on one specific person

 

10 hours ago, jessb86a said:

I've never felt jealousy like this before and so it's made me question if it is just jealousy or a gut feeling

ALWAYS trust your gut instinct.

As you said, you're not NORMALLY a jealous person. So the fact that you are unable to let this situation go and cannot shake the feeling that he DOES have feelings for her is NOT something that you should ignore.

[boltnrun]

17 hours ago, jessb86a said:

All of this was before we started dating

She said this in her OP. ^

Jess, is he currently doing these things or were they all before you two got together?

Please don't backslide into intrusive jealous thoughts if this all happened before you two were a couple.

[happy1]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She said this in her OP. ^

Jess, is he currently doing these things or were they all before you two got together?

Please don't backslide into intrusive jealous thoughts if this all happened before you two were a 

He has made one negative comment about her boyfriend, saying he believed he seemed 'arrogant', which did strike me as odd if he didn't like her because why would he care what he was like if she's simply a co-worker like he suggests? 

[happy1]

32 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

 

These quotes stood out to me.

If he truly has NO interest in her, why is he speaking negatively about her boyfriend in a jealous way?

 

 

ALWAYS trust your gut instinct.

As you said, you're not NORMALLY a jealous person. So the fact that you are unable to let this situation go and cannot shake the feeling that he DOES have feelings for her is NOT something that you should ignore.

He called her boyfriend arrogant, and I thought I heard a jealous undertone. It struck me as odd.