Just can’t get anywhere with online dating

[Wiseman2]

On 1/8/2023 at 12:04 PM, Frostypeach said:

Well I already told him I’m out of town for the weekend l so he would know I don’t want to meet yet

Next time, after a couple of messages, suggest meeting for a coffee or drink. Being too busy to date or too chatty before meeting are red flags. 

[Emmy321]

On 1/7/2023 at 7:07 PM, Batya33 said:

My profile was direct and simple -I wanted marriage and family in the not too distant future. 

Hi,  How did you write this on your profile so it wouldn't sound like a book? Online dating is a struggle with me too and  I never know what to write in the bio section, if guys even read it.  I didn't want to start a new thread on this subject since its already here. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Izzy1234 said:

Hi,  How did you write this on your profile so it wouldn't sound like a book? Online dating is a struggle with me too and  I never know what to write in the bio section, if guys even read it.  I didn't want to start a new thread on this subject since it’s already here. 

I needed one short sentence “I am looking for marriage and family. It’s fine if you are not and if so please just go on to the next profile “.  Something like that. Not sure why it would need to be any additional words. Marriage and family minded men knew exactly what I wanted because they wanted the same thing. 

[Emmy321]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I needed one short sentence “I am looking for marriage and family. It’s fine if you are not and if so please just go on to the next profile “.  Something like that. Not sure why it would need to be any additional words. Marriage and family minded men knew exactly what I wanted because they wanted the same thing. 

Is that all you said?  You didn't put in more about yourself or did you save all that for conversations?

[Lambert]

I just wanted to say, I roll my eyes as soon as that--"big plans for the weekend?" comes in.  LOL.  Like what's big plans?  LOL. My laundry and Target run?  LOL

I just think ugh, this person has no conversation skills.  I know that might be petty on my part.  And I am not saying write a novel but the generic -- how are you and the such seem so odd to me.  You just connected with a person-- ask them something specific to them or something that will show a connection.  Like this-- Hi new person!  I love tacos, too!  Where's your favorite place to get them? 

You're trying to click with a person.  Not conduct an on line interview.  Get a couple messages going and then ask them if you can call them.  Talk on the phone and see if you hit it off.  If it goes well ask to meet. 

Maybe you are spending too much time being pen pals and the person gets bored.   

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Izzy1234 said:

Is that all you said?  You didn't put in more about yourself or did you save all that for conversations?

That’s all I said about my goal of marriage and family. I had a profile that listed my interests and background and what I was looking for. I had no negatives at all in my profile except two. “No illegal drugs and no excessive drinking “. (Oh and no smoking ). I had all meaningful conversations on the first phone call (which was usually about 20 minutes ) and in person. I didn’t have time for chat buddies. I didn’t want new friends through a dating site.  I didn’t want to date for fun or to have fun.
 I was looking for a husband. Who wanted children more than anything like me. Who valued education and had a strong work ethic and professional ambitions and was financially independent.  Like me.  

There are many reasons to use a dating site or app.  Those were mine. I had no reason to apologize or play all coy for being on the hunt for a husband who I would love cherish and not be settling for. I got it all.  With tons of work and sweat and tears and aggravation and some fun and adventures and lots of joy. It was so very worth it. I mean yesterday our son met his second newest cousin who is 1. Son is 13. While my husband took our son into the ocean and they came out cold and laughing hysterically. I am so thankful I didn’t waste time dating “online “ or pretending I was up for fun or casual dating so that I was able just at the last minute really to have a chance to have a child with the best man for me. 

[Emmy321]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That’s all I said about my goal of marriage and family. I had a profile that listed my interests and background and what I was looking for. I had no negatives at all in my profile except two. “No illegal drugs and no excessive drinking “. (Oh and no smoking ). I had all meaningful conversations on the first phone call (which was usually about 20 minutes ) and in person. I didn’t have time for chat buddies. I didn’t want new friends through a dating site.  I didn’t want to date for fun or to have fun.
 I was looking for a husband. Who wanted children more than anything like me. Who valued education and had a strong work ethic and professional ambitions and was financially independent.  Like me.  

There are many reasons to use a dating site or app.  Those were mine. I had no reason to apologize or play all coy for being on the hunt for a husband who I would love cherish and not be settling for. I got it all.  With tons of work and sweat and tears and aggravation and some fun and adventures and lots of joy. It was so very worth it. I mean yesterday our son met his second newest cousin who is 1. Son is 13. While my husband took our son into the ocean and they came out cold and laughing hysterically. I am so thankful I didn’t waste time dating “online “ or pretending I was up for fun or casual dating so that I was able just at the last minute really to have a chance to have a child with the best man for me. 

Thanks for your advice and it sounds like you have a wonderful family. I am happy for you!

[Batya33]

45 minutes ago, Izzy1234 said:

Thanks for your advice and it sounds like you have a wonderful family. I am happy for you!

Oh thanks for saying that. We do want we can !  It’s possible I appreciate it more than “typical “ because of the 20 years I waited for it

[Betterwithout]

Ghosting is, unfortunately part of the online dating dance.  

Do yourself a favour and NEVER take it personally.  
Whenever you get ghosted, remember there are over 7 billion people on the planet, it just takes time to find the right one for you.

I will leave you with this...

Patience attracts happiness:
it brings near that which is far
-Swahili proverb

[Batya33]

17 hours ago, Betterwithout said:

Ghosting is, unfortunately part of the online dating dance.  

Do yourself a favour and NEVER take it personally.  
Whenever you get ghosted, remember there are over 7 billion people on the planet, it just takes time to find the right one for you.

I will leave you with this...

Patience attracts happiness:
it brings near that which is far
-Swahili proverb

To me ghosting is when someone you’ve been dating in person for awhile makes plans or promises to call them goes MIA.  Many times I didn’t respond to emails, messages or a request to meet whether it was a man I met in person at a party or a stranger on an online site. I much preferred to not hear from someone who didn’t want to take me on another date or have a date after a first meet then some obligatory “you’re SO amazing (you near stranger ) and I’m not ready for a relationship right now. “. I wasn’t ghosted. I didn’t ghost men I didn’t want to see again and I also called if we’d gone out on a date and he called or emailed to take me out again.
 

Unless I felt it unsafe to do so. I was harassed a number of times just for stating “thanks for your email and I don’t think it makes sense for us to see each other again. All the best “. Or the like. 

Before the internet I gave out my number and never expected to hear from the person or felt “ghosted”.  It’s just dating. 

[Jaunty]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

To me ghosting is when someone you’ve been dating in person for awhile makes plans or promises to call them goes MIA.  

Same.  I don't think that when a back & forth exchange with a stranger from OLD comes to a halt with no explanation it equals "ghosting."  People would be doing themselves a great favor to stop thinking that these connections really mean that the people have any kind of obligation to explain themselves to each other.  Yes, it would be polite to say something before disappearing but don't expect it, and don't get all overwrought when it doesn't happen.  It's all part of the territory; get used to it and let it roll off your back every time.

[Batya33]

For me it has nothing to do with how the first contact was made. It is part of dating that if you don't want to be in contact with someone for dating purposes and you didn't promise to call or promise to show up at a certain time etc then silence = lack of interest.  When my husband and I were dating I went to a religious service and a social gathering after.  Spoke to a couple of people including a guy who was there.  I specifically mentioned my boyfriend more than once (he wasn't there -we were long distance at the time).  No flirting. 

We had a nice conversation about his interests I think and we left at the same time, walked for a block together then parted ways.  He somehow looked up my landline number and left me a voicemail inviting me to attend an event at which he'd be making a presentation and it was clear from his VM he wanted to ask me out /was interested. 

Was I supposed to call him back, repeat again that I had a bf (in case he didn't hear the first time) and awkwardly decline the event? Did I ghost him or did I actually do the right thing by not calling back -I think the latter.  

Or how about the guy I spoke to on the phone through a dating site, then googled and discovered some white collar criminal issues in his past? We hadn't yet made a plan to meet but he probably emailed again and I'm not sure if I replied - because to me it's fine either way. Obviously I wasn't going to tell him the truth as to why I was no longer interested.  

I had a number of times where at the end of the first meet the guy said "do you want to see __ movie next weekend" or "I'd like to see you again -I'll call you this week" -I said yes and/or expressed interest- he said he'd call and he did not call.  I didn't feel ghosted -assumed he changed his mind.  Oh well. I had men tell me to call them to say I got home safely and I would and I'd never hear from them again. Oh well.

Ghosting wasn't a word back then but in the early 2000s I dated a guy -looked serious potentially -two months in on NYE we went out with his parents -he got drunk (we were not, not even tipsy), treated me rudely, I didn't have him stay over as planned given rudeness/drunk (no he wasn't driving) and then he didn't call me the next day as to what time to meet his parents for brunch to which I'd been invited.  So he stood me up. 

He did call later that day with a lame apology -and hung over.  He did call the next day with another lame apology and a reminder that his dad, a doc, had offered to speak with me about a medical issue.  I didn't have his parents' number.  I don't think I ever returned his calls. 

Who "ghosted" who? Who cares? I knew I'd never want to see him again, I had thanked his lovely parents for taking us to dinner, etc and he blew me off. 

I think this whole "ghosting" thing gets out of hand.  Have the good manners to follow up on a promise to call, to follow up on a promise to confirm or reconfirm plans, show up for the plan on time and if after a first meet you don't want to see the person again and they call - no need to call back with fake gushing or send a gushy email -silence is perfectly fine -everyone gets that -even after a first or second date depending on context.