Just can’t get anywhere with online dating

[Frostypeach]

I broke up with my boyfriend last year and I was so devastated. I think it was mainly because at 26, he was my first boyfriend, the only guy who has shown interest in me who I have been mutually attracted to. But even still, he told me he never loved me.

i had a few months to heal and in September, I downloaded Hinge as a lot of my friends met their boyfriends on there. I was hopeful and excited 

But it’s just not working for me and I’m terrified. I get plenty of good matches, we start messaging, and then poof! they stop replying. I have a good profile with nice photos and bio. I am a bit of an over thinker when it comes to my messages, sometimes I worry I’m being too boring or prudish, and other times I worry I have bad jokes or not witty enough. I find the small talk tedious like I just wanna meet them, don’t really feel much attraction before we meet but is that normal?

anyhow, They just keep stopping responding. It’s happened about 15 times now and now I’m worried I’m just past it. Im going to men average in looks but with things in common on profile. 

starting to worry I just will never find anyone now. I’m 27 and only ever had one boyfriend and even he didn’t like me in the end 

[Batya33]

I'm not sure how you feel attraction to a person romantically through cyberspace. The purpose of the first meet is to see if it's worth it to go on a real first date.  Part of that is whether there is a spark or potential for a spark.  

When I contacted men through online dating sites (hundreds -and I met over 100 in person) I used sites meant for people looking for serious relationships or at least not just hookups.  My profile was direct and simple -I wanted marriage and family in the not too distant future.  And I only interacted with men whose profiles said that too.  We'd message once or twice then have a phone call - I used it as a safety screening plus to see if it would be worth it to meet in person.  

I chose men who were local with very rare exception - there was one long distance guy (we never met for dating purposes but we did as friends years later and now we also do business with him!) and who fit the bill as far as age/background, etc.

On the phone -usually around a 20 minute call - less if I realized it was a no go like if I discovered a lie or he said something inappropriate or sounded negative/depressed - I tried to have him do most of the talking and I was a good listener and asked good follow up questions.  

I would stop the messaging - and take it to the phone. And please know it's like a part time job.  I had many men who contacted me once and never again, who I had a phone call with and we made a plan but they flaked, etc.  Dating is hard.  Since my goal was marriage and family it was totally worth it to me.

Good luck!

[Geroge Bensen]

With online dating it is a different ball game to approaching people in person. For example I am Male, can easily go up to a girl in person weather it be at work or in a pub and say 'Hi, where are you from' with a cheeky grin and smile, that's all that is need to build a connection, however online dating you need to change your mind set, be more open, flirtatious, funny, be inquisitive and interested. Mainly you want to keep the conversation flowing by being funny, banterful and building attraction, make the guy want to respond to you and leave suspense, it's more of a game and I mean that in a good way not playing with a persons emotions. Think of it as your not meeting your soul mate, your just having fun, be less serious and enjoy it more.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

Mainly you want to keep the conversation flowing by being funny, banterful and building attraction, make the guy want to respond to you and leave suspense, it's more of a game and I mean that in a good way not playing with a persons emotions. Think of it as your not meeting your soul mate, your just having fun, be less serious and enjoy it more.

I don't agree.  From my experience it should be treated exactly like if you met the person in person first.  Meet ASAP and use the dating site to make the first contact, and do a safety screening with a phone call after exchanging a few messages at most, and the phone call also should clue in to whether you think you could have a pleasant 45 minute convo in person in a public place or during a walk in the park, etc. 

I think the woman should suggest a first meet (but let the man ask for a first date after the first meet -but that's just me) if the man does not and not waste her time with a person who insists on typing and talking longer before a brief first meet.  I met over 100 men in person and communicated with hundreds -I was very good at screening and only met a few men who were not dangerous but also slipped through as far as totally safe.  

If a person wants to date online that's not dating IMO and that often involves the sorts of games you mentioned because very often it's all one big fantasy.

I didn't expect to meet a soulmate and I also didn't do this for fun and enjoyment.  Like with all the ways I put myself out there to find a husband who was the right match for me I did the work for the end goal - some of the dates were fun and enjoyable and my attitude was "I'm going to meet a new person to see if it makes sense to go on a first date in the future."  

[Geroge Bensen]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't agree.  From my experience it should be treated exactly like if you met the person in person first.  Meet ASAP and use the dating site to make the first contact, and do a safety screening with a phone call after exchanging a few messages at most, and the phone call also should clue in to whether you think you could have a pleasant 45 minute convo in person in a public place or during a walk in the park, etc. 

I think the woman should suggest a first meet (but let the man ask for a first date after the first meet -but that's just me) if the man does not and not waste her time with a person who insists on typing and talking longer before a brief first meet.  I met over 100 men in person and communicated with hundreds -I was very good at screening and only met a few men who were not dangerous but also slipped through as far as totally safe.  

If a person wants to date online that's not dating IMO and that often involves the sorts of games you mentioned because very often it's all one big fantasy.

I didn't expect to meet a soulmate and I also didn't do this for fun and enjoyment.  Like with all the ways I put myself out there to find a husband who was the right match for me I did the work for the end goal - some of the dates were fun and enjoyable and my attitude was "I'm going to meet a new person to see if it makes sense to go on a first date in the future."  

I agree to some what with what you're saying, I always ask to meet after a few back and forth messages. Never has a girl asked to meet me that quickly though. Asking to meet does make the conversation meaningful and there is a date planned so there is a point to the chat, I also usually ask to speak on the phone or at least fire a few voice notes back and forth to hear what the person sounds like.

At the end of the day it's 2 people meeting for a chat, you don't know the person. Given you may chat to some one you really hit it off with BUT by what @Frostypeach is saying she can't get a guy to respond, so stop trying to meet your one and only have some fun and it will come, obviously you don't want to meet people your not into but start some where and put that energy out to the universe. 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

I agree to some what with what you're saying, I always ask to meet after a few back and forth messages. Never has a girl asked to meet me that quickly though. Asking to meet does make the conversation meaningful and there is a date planned so there is a point to the chat, I also usually ask to speak on the phone or at least fire a few voice notes back and forth to hear what the person sounds like.

At the end of the day it's 2 people meeting for a chat, you don't know the person. Given you may chat to some one you really hit it off with BUT by what @Frostypeach is saying she can't get a guy to respond, so stop trying to meet your one and only have some fun and it will come, obviously you don't want to meet people your not into but start some where and put that energy out to the universe. 

I never asked a man out on a date I initially met through a dating website except once (I called him to confirm whether he wanted to meet to see the movie he'd mentioned he wanted to see with me the following Saturday but he hadn't called) - I asked a couple of men to have a first meet -I didn't have time to wait for a stranger to ask to meet in person -first meets to me were not dates at all.  

I didn't myself have time for the universe or energy - but I also think if she is coming across as low energy and/or negative or not asking good follow up questions, not having much to say that could be a big problem and a reason why these men are moving on.

[Geroge Bensen]

Just now, Batya33 said:

I never asked a man out on a date I initially met through a dating website except once (I called him to confirm whether he wanted to meet to see the movie he'd mentioned he wanted to see with me the following Saturday but he hadn't called) - I asked a couple of men to have a first meet -I didn't have time to wait for a stranger to ask to meet in person -first meets to me were not dates at all.  

I didn't myself have time for the universe or energy - but I also think if she is coming across as low energy and/or negative or not asking good follow up questions, not having much to say that could be a big problem and a reason why these men are moving on.

Yes clearly you need the energy, I as a Man am quick to ask a Girl out to meet online if the convo is flowing. If there is no flow I will not want to take time to meet some one that is not interesting enough, so my point is - be fun, energetic, banterful and put that out there and I am sure she would get a good response to meet. As a Man's point of view no one will ask a Girl out if the convo is boring and flatlined, be more free and see who will respond etc

You can't look at a guys profile and say to your self this is the guy i'm going for as he may not reply, who will respond who knows, just fire away and see what you get back.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Geroge Bensen said:

Yes clearly you need the energy, I as a Man am quick to ask a Girl out to meet online if the convo is flowing. If there is no flow I will not want to take time to meet some one that is not interesting enough, so my point is - be fun, energetic, banterful and put that out there and I am sure she would get a good response to meet. As a Man's point of view no one will ask a Girl out if the convo is boring and flatlined, be more free and see who will respond etc

You can't look at a guys profile and say to your self this is the guy i'm going for as he may not reply, who will respond who knows, just fire away and see what you get back.

Yes I agree with all of this -I mean it's obvious in all dating.  Dating requires a thick skin. I dated for 24 years on and off (off when I was in a serious relationship).  In all social interactions where you hope to make a friend or find a date etc you show up, look nice, be nice (I mean the look nice more important with dating of course).  I think being a good listener, asking good follow up questions and being genuinely interested in getting to know someone -as opposed to genuinely interested in rehearsing what you want to say or simply wanting not to be alone but not being particularly interested in what makes the person tick - all is essential to dating of course.

I met my husband originally at work.  His first day of work at a huge welcome breakfast for all new employees.  I'd read his bio in advance.  I walked across the crowded conference room because I felt sorry for him -his first day and he knew no one.  I wanted him to feel welcome.  We didn't work together.  I had a boyfriend -that was not at all why I approached him. But that's how it starts -you show an interest in another person.  An individual interest.  That person might not be a good match but might know good matches. 

Over the years I've set up men I originally met online with women.  In fact I haven't dated in 17 years but two weeks ago someone I dated through an online site contacted me because he was being set up with a woman he saw on my FB friends list.  I wouldn't have thought of introducing them but I had set him up with other women in the past.  

So sometimes making a good impression on someone you originally meet through online might mean that person introduces you to others.  Another guy I originally met through online (but never dated, that's another story) now helps my family with IT issues.  And I've introduced him to other women and he's introduced me to people in my new city when I was job hunting.  Putting out good and interested energy and vibes has so many benefits and not just dating.

[Starlight925]

Online dating is much different than it was "back in my day".

Back when there were no apps, online dating was fun, it was new.  People wanted to get off the computer, especially if we're talking back in the days of only a desktop computer (yes, that was me!).  People wanted to get out of the house and meet.

These days, it's all app-based, geo-locating based, and yes, much faster paced.

And that means, unfortunately, people move on to shiny things much faster as well.

Our phones now "ding" all the time.  We spend 1 hour at a workout, and when we look at our phone after that hour, it's all lit up with notifications.  Heck, I actually have 2 phones, and I had to turn all notification sound off of both since it's so much.

I got divorced and re-entered the world of app dating, so here's my take from the "New" world:

I like Geroge Bensen's advice above, about keeping the conversation going by being playful, funny, and with banter.

But here's the most important thing:  Keep it short.  One liners, two at most.  Don't launch into paragraphs of this, or that.  Just reply quickly, and with humor.  

Then, if the guy doesn't initiate a meet within a few days, a week at most, you suggest a meet.  If he doesn't take you up on it, move on.

All the back & forth can get a bit boring if it's not fun.  And if it goes on too long (I'd say one week), it gets mundane.

So yes, quick one-liners, funny, engaging, and meet.  Or done.

[Batya33]

I think people who want to move on to shiny things will move on to shiny things whether there is an app or a bar or a club or whatever. Apps and sites do feel like a candy store at first but those who are serious minded (I was) treat the candy store part very briefly -if they are serious minded the candy store appeal wears of quickly. It was like that with the bar and club scene I was involved in in the 80s and 90s - I wasn't into alcohol or drugs but I loved to dance and lived in a huge city with the best of the best dance clubs. And great singles parties and events.  I loved it and for those who weren't serious minded you could meet and hook up with and flirt with and dance with different people every weekend.  For those who were they might still go out and dance with different people but once they met someone they saw potential with they'd still go out and dance -but with their SO. 

When I first did personal ads and then online sites it did feel like a candy store but in my early 20s my focus shifted to marriage-minded people so while I might enjoy an increased volume of attention (although it wasn't until my 30s that online dating was a thing -but I did lots of personal ads and blind dates) - the enjoyment wore off quickly -a serious minded person doesn't need the ego boost or want to spend the time on the candy store even if it is available easily just like it was easy to go to bars every weekend.

I have no issue at all with people who enjoy the candy store appeal -people who want to casually date, make new friends, make chat buddies, find sex partners - they should use the apps that are for that purpose and enjoy themselves and have fun with people who want that too.  But the apps aren't going to turn a serious minded person into a hook up person. That's a choice.

[Frostypeach]

42 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

Online dating is much different than it was "back in my day".

Back when there were no apps, online dating was fun, it was new.  People wanted to get off the computer, especially if we're talking back in the days of only a desktop computer (yes, that was me!).  People wanted to get out of the house and meet.

These days, it's all app-based, geo-locating based, and yes, much faster paced.

And that means, unfortunately, people move on to shiny things much faster as well.

Our phones now "ding" all the time.  We spend 1 hour at a workout, and when we look at our phone after that hour, it's all lit up with notifications.  Heck, I actually have 2 phones, and I had to turn all notification sound off of both since it's so much.

I got divorced and re-entered the world of app dating, so here's my take from the "New" world:

I like Geroge Bensen's advice above, about keeping the conversation going by being playful, funny, and with banter.

But here's the most important thing:  Keep it short.  One liners, two at most.  Don't launch into paragraphs of this, or that.  Just reply quickly, and with humor.  

Then, if the guy doesn't initiate a meet within a few days, a week at most, you suggest a meet.  If he doesn't take you up on it, move on.

All the back & forth can get a bit boring if it's not fun.  And if it goes on too long (I'd say one week), it gets mundane.

So yes, quick one-liners, funny, engaging, and meet.  Or done.

I’ve been trying that, just can’t even get to like a few messages before they just stop responding. I’m friendly, I ask questions etc. it never used to be this way with me, in the past I would get message on dating app and loads of dates. Nothing has changed that I’m doing at all, apart from me now being 27. The only thing is if I get a message in the morning, I will wait until I am home from work to respond. I have no way to be on my phone at work and have a dating app back and forth chat.

I try and be funny…. But the thing about me is that I have a terrible sense of humour. I always think I’m funny but I’m probably not haha

[Batya33]

What sorts of questions do you ask? I wouldn't try to be funny when typing to a stranger - if it's not an innate talent you have and/or you're not a fantastic writer.  It's too easy to come across unfunny or even offensive.  

Obviously you should wait to respond until you have time.  Your age is perfect for dating.  Is everything on your profile accurate including the photos?

[Frostypeach]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

What sorts of questions do you ask? I wouldn't try to be funny when typing to a stranger - if it's not an innate talent you have and/or you're not a fantastic writer.  It's too easy to come across unfunny or even offensive.  

Obviously you should wait to respond until you have time.  Your age is perfect for dating.  Is everything on your profile accurate including the photos?

Well I always get ghosted after the first few messages. My kinda messages I send are ‘heya, I’m really good thanks 🙂 any weekend plans your side? Then I’ll comment on something in their profile, maybe ask a question.’ Then poof ghosted. I defo get more comfortable and interesting as a convo goes on but I’m not getting the opportunity 😕

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

Well I always get ghosted after the first few messages. My kinda messages I send are ‘heya, I’m really good thanks 🙂 any weekend plans your side? Then I’ll comment on something in their profile, maybe ask a question.’ Then poof ghosted. I defo get more comfortable and interesting as a convo goes on but I’m not getting the opportunity 😕

I wouldn't ask a stranger what his weekend plans are -also gives the impression you're hoping he'll ask to meet right away and it's too much too soon.  I think it's fine to comment/ask a question about something in the profile especially if it's about travel, books, music and especially if you have that in common with him.  "I liked that you mentioned Iceland - it's definitely on my list, especially seeing the glaciers".  

You're not being ghosted.  These are strangers who are declining to message with you on a dating app because for whatever reason they're not interested in getting to know you or see potential for a first meet.  You're not a victim of anything. This is what dating can be like and if the end goal is worth it to you then keep on - if not there's no reason at all to use a dating app and/or try to date.

[Frostypeach]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't ask a stranger what his weekend plans are -also gives the impression you're hoping he'll ask to meet right away and it's too much too soon.  I think it's fine to comment/ask a question about something in the profile especially if it's about travel, books, music and especially if you have that in common with him.  "I liked that you mentioned Iceland - it's definitely on my list, especially seeing the glaciers".  

You're not being ghosted.  These are strangers who are declining to message with you on a dating app because for whatever reason they're not interested in getting to know you or see potential for a first meet.  You're not a victim of anything. This is what dating can be like and if the end goal is worth it to you then keep on - if not there's no reason at all to use a dating app and/or try to date.

Well I already told him I’m out of town for the weekend l so he would know I don’t want to meet yet

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

Well I already told him I’m out of town for the weekend l so he would know I don’t want to meet yet

I think that's jumping the gun.  And I wouldn't tell strangers your plans to that detail especially if your home will be empty.  I used to message that I liked the person's profile, thought we might have things in common and did he want to speak by phone to see if it made sense to meet in person.  That was all.

[Starlight925]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think that's jumping the gun.  And I wouldn't tell strangers your plans to that detail especially if your home will be empty.  I used to message that I liked the person's profile, thought we might have things in common and did he want to speak by phone to see if it made sense to meet in person.  That was all.

Yes, please, for your safety, do not tell anyone your home will be empty.  That goes for social media as well.

Sounds like you're doing everything ok, aside from not being able to respond until late in the day.  While I understand that you can't respond during the day, many guys might think you're either game-playing by waiting, or that you're chatting with so many others, or that you're simply not interested and using them as a back up.

While I realize this isn't your intent, it's similar to texting someone and they leave it on Read all day.  You're hoping for a response, and by the time one comes, you're over it.

I don't know what the answer is, other than to try to get to your messages during the day, on a break, lunchtime, etc., as often, by the time you do respond, they've gotten so many other messages, they've moved on.  So by the time you respond, they ghost you, as they already have others they are chatting with.

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry this sounds harsh - but your desperation is palpable.  I can feel  it through your posts.  It's probably coming through in your OLD interactions.  

You're trying way to hard, and why?  You don't even know if you'll like the guy, but you are deeply invested in how to get them to like YOU. 

As you've already heard, you need to make a very brief connection and, if you're both interested, then plan to meet soon.  The in person meeting is what will tell both you and the man whether there is any point in going further.

That said, though, you don't seem to be in the right space for any of this right now.  A person needs to have pretty solid self esteem and boundaries for OLD to be anything better than hell on earth.

[lostandhurt]

First off online dating changes fast so you need advice from people that have used it in the last 1-3 years and close to your age range for the best advice.  Have you spoken your gf's for advice on how and what worked well for them?

 I agree keeping it light and fun is key.  No paragraphs for Hinge or Tinder.  There are a lot of people using these apps for entertainment and a ego boost so don't let a non response get to you.  It really isn't ghosting since it is a total stranger that just stopped messaging.

 You need to thicken up your skin, be confident in who you are with or without a man in your life and spend time making your life all you want it to be that didn't happen while dating your ex.

  If messaging back and forth isn't working for you why not try suggesting meeting sooner?  Also if Hinge isn't working for you try another app.

 Online dating is tough and can be hard for most people until you see it for what it is, a very impersonal way of contacting possible dates.  Don't take it so personal please.

  Lost

[waffle]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

 . . . be confident in who you are with or without a man in your life and spend time making your life all you want it to be that didn't happen while dating your ex.

This works like magic.

[jul-els]

You have to develop a thick skin when searching online for people to date. It can be a bit of a jungle, akin to shopping in an overcrowded walmart, lol. Until you meet in person, you and that person really aren’t much more than digital images to each other. Keep it rolling and maybe one of them will click, and maybe not. Keep it in perspective and remember like all things regarding romance, it’s a game of chance. Don’t make any kind of mental or emotional investment in anyone you haven’t met in person. 

[Andrina]

Your friends might be seeing things you're not aware of. In your shoes, I'd ask my friends if there are any areas they see I could improve in to be more successful in the dating world. Tell them to be honest for your own good. Working on boosting your confidence level? Hair and/or fashion makeover? Smiling more? Not acting like a doormat? Keeping conversation topics positive? Improving conversational skills?

What are you good at? Perhaps if you take up a new hobby you can be passionate about, that will resonate and infuse your personality with an extra joy-boost that will draw people toward you like a magnet.

Besides OLD, try Meetup groups. Do volunteer work where people of both genders partake in, like environmental cleanups and Habitat for Humanity. Take a dance class. There are so many to choose from: salsa, tango, swing, ballroom. People who might think more women would show up to things are wrong. I used to go to some lessons in many of these types of dances, and either the men equalled the amount of women, and sometimes there were more men present.

You have to spread your net wide for the best catch. Good luck.

[Batya33]

I like Andrina's input and I think I mentioned this on another thread but volunteering backstage at community or church theater is a great way to meet people too.

[Tinydance]

I agree with George Bensen too in the sense that it's better not to take online dating too seriously and just try to have fun and meet different people. I'm not saying that you shouldn't take online dating seriously and not want a serious relationship. You can still want a serious relationship in general but I don't think it's good to put so much pressure on yourself. In fact it's probably not good to put too much pressure on yourself to have witty, interesting conversations and things like that. I think when you're too stressed and trying too hard, it can show. 

My approach was to talk online as little as possible because I find it a waste of time. Typing messages is slow. As you said OP, you don't reply during the day because you're working. So all the interactions become very dragged out. You could have a conversation you're having online for a week in one hour if you met in person. Even though I'm a woman but I said to all the guys on online dating that we should go for a coffee. I didn't care if I came across as too forward, my main objective was to actually meet in person.

[Batya33]

For me it wasn’t fun mostly - it was work - but I minimized the not fun part as the poster said by meeting in person ASAP.