The loveliest guy and only guy who has ever liked me back changed and I don’t know why

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

im 27 now and hoping that it’s not too late. I thought someone would have made an effort by now if it was going to happen 

 

Don't feel bad about being 27 and single. Most people go through great change from the late teens to the late twenties. They are still learning about their evolving selves, so how in the heck can they wisely choose a lifetime partner at that young age?

Sure, some people have luck finding a keeper before that, but many in my older age group, including me, had first marriages fail because we were too young and dumb at the time, and hadn't enough life experience under our belts yet to choose wisely. Many of us chose a lot better the second time around.

Dating apps are not working in your favor. There are never any guarantees in life, but you might find higher quality men by meeting those who engage in volunteer work or have a hobby that doesn't involve drinking or gambling.

Get yourself out into the world with a new hobby and/or volunteer activity. Start an internet search of things that might interest you in your area. You might be surprised at what exists. Just make sure they are activities men would also be interested in. I know a couple who met when they were in their early 30s, volunteering at the local zoo. 

Adult education is another great please to meet large groups of people, such as in language classes to learn another language or sign language.

In the future, don't make major moves like moving in with someone or moving closer to them before regularly dating at least a year. It takes at least that long to find out more of what you need to know about a partner.

And yes, if you regularly drove a 3 hour round trip to get to his place, you could've afforded the therapy appointments. Until you get set up for that, start reading books and articles on achieving self-love. Without that, you will attract, and subconsciously be attracted to, dysfunctional people.

Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

he had moved into a new house with a landlady who was taking him to the shop, making him tea when he was sick, taking him on nights out. She had a boyfriend so there was nothing there romantically

I can nearly guarantee you that there was. 

You have serious blinders on about this guy, sadly. 

[Batya33]

You've gotten some really valuable input here.  I have one more comment -never ever air your dirty laundry when you're making a first impression on a man - there is no reason to tell a new person in your life how badly you were treated by exes- makes you look like damaged goods.  And a healthy person won't know what to do with that info -does that mean he has to treat you "even better" than he otherwise would?

[Frostypeach]

41 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I can nearly guarantee you that there was. 

You have serious blinders on about this guy, sadly. 

I mean I don’t think she was his type physically. He always told me I was beautiful and sexy and that even though everyone at his work said he was the office eye candy, I wouldn’t need to worry as I was way hotter. Looking back, that was a weird thing for him to say too.

I’m sure he didn’t have anything romantic going on with his roommate, although when we were dating, I asked him what he was doing one evening and he said he was doing some bed time yoga with her. I remember feeling a little jealous 

 

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I don’t think she was his type physically

That wouldn't matter, if he could take advantage of her (and her money, house, nights out, and so on)

This man uses people. He is absolutely the type to butter up a woman, make her feel special, sleep with her...all with the intention of getting something in return. 

Sound familiar? 

[Frostypeach]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

That wouldn't matter, if he could take advantage of her (and her money, house, nights out, and so on)

This man uses people. He is absolutely the type to butter up a woman, make her feel special, sleep with her...all with the intention of getting something in return. 

Sound familiar? 

He never initiated sex with me though and I don’t know why. Early on he said he was a lower libido man and quite reserved, prefers a cuddle and will do whatever I want to do however. I wonder why that was 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

He never initiated sex with me though and I don’t know why

Maybe he just wasn't that sexually attracted, but wanted to keep you around to provide all other comforts of a "girlfriend." So he had sex sometimes, but still said enough to make you feel beautiful and special so you would keep pandering to him for as long as it was convenient for him.

The more you write, the more I wonder how you didn't see all this before. 

[Frostypeach]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Maybe he just wasn't that sexually attracted, but wanted to keep you around to provide all other comforts of a "girlfriend." So he had sex sometimes, but still said enough to make you feel beautiful and special so you would keep pandering to him for as long as it was convenient for him.

The more you write, the more I wonder how you didn't see all this before. 

He’s the only man I’ve ever felt sexual desire for. Which scares me. I’ve not felt it since to anyone on the dating apps or men I’ve met in my life which makes me worry I’ll never feel it again.

it makes me feel awful if he wasn’t sexually attracted to me. He’s the one that messaged me first, told me I was sexy after the first date and that he loved my bum haha. I’m so embarrassed as I feel a guy has never really desired me, I’m not ugly though, I work out and have feminine figure 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Flowerbee said:

it makes me feel awful if he wasn’t sexually attracted to me. He’s the one that messaged me first, told me I was sexy after the first date and that he loved my bum haha. I’m so embarrassed as I feel a guy has never really desired me, I’m not ugly though, I work out and have feminine figure 

Don't let some low quality loser man who's been out of your life for nearly a year make you feel awful.  He's not of any importance to you or your worth.

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

Sometimes I wonder if I communicated what I needed more, maybe we would still be together? I did communicate one day and said I felt I put all the effort in, but he went all weird and sad with me bringing an issue up. 
 

i hope I didn’t ruin the relationship myself 

No.  In fact, the opposite is true.  You went WAY too far with your trying.  He showed you a long time ago that he wasn't a suitable boyfriend for you and you kept trying.  It seems like you responded to his crappier behavior by trying even MORE.  That was a mistake you made.  You can't change a person no matter how hard you try.  

 

[poorlittlefish]

Read through your post, OP, and see how many times you state what you did for HIM.  He did next to nothing for YOU other than show up for freebies.  I got myself into relationships like that when I was much younger, but these days I would not allow myself to waste time on someone who can't be bothered.  If a man doesn't put in equal effort from the beginning, he's not going to get any better.  Take it as a warning sign that he's a waste of space and move on.

[Frostypeach]

34 minutes ago, poorlittlefish said:

Read through your post, OP, and see how many times you state what you did for HIM.  He did next to nothing for YOU other than show up for freebies.  I got myself into relationships like that when I was much younger, but these days I would not allow myself to waste time on someone who can't be bothered.  If a man doesn't put in equal effort from the beginning, he's not going to get any better.  Take it as a warning sign that he's a waste of space and move on.

Does it mean he will probably be the same with other women? He’s had 6 girlfriends in the space of 4 years. A few of them posted on their social media about how he treated them to meals and drinks out. 
 

sometimes I wonder if he left me because he realised he got what he needed from his female landlady. She started offering to do all the things I did for him 

[DarkCh0c0]

19 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Does it mean he will probably be the same with other women? He’s had 6 girlfriends in the space of 4 years. A few of them posted on their social media about how he treated them to meals and drinks out. 

He took them out. So?

Do you genuinely think that this is what it takes to be in a satisfying and healthy relationship? Some happy pictures and paid food?

21 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

sometimes I wonder if he left me because he realised he got what he needed from his female landlady. She started offering to do all the things I did for him 

Of course. He's an excellent manipulator and he uses his looks and affection to prey on and manipulate women. 

[Frostypeach]

54 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

He took them out. So?

Do you genuinely think that this is what it takes to be in a satisfying and healthy relationship? Some happy pictures and paid food?

Of course. He's an excellent manipulator and he uses his looks and affection to prey on and manipulate women. 

You know the weird thing was. We never ever had an argument. And he was proud of that. Like everything was always quite nice. If I did try to speak out though, he would turn it back round to his personal problems and we would end up talking about them instead 

[Graystation108]

I'm 22 and am lucky to have never been with a manipulator, but I recognize many warning signs about them. The main issue right now is that you seem to still be hung up on him, whether you realize it or not. Out of all the posts you put up in this conversation, you've been looking for any positive things you can find about this guy and making excuses for him. You did not end the relationship, there was no real relationship to begin with, only him sucking everything out of you before leaving. Manipulators always start with making things so perfect so that you either don't notice the change or when you do, you would think it's your fault. I would suggest to cut him out of your life completely, don't become one of his reasons to hurt his future girlfriends since he will compare you with his current or other exes (as he did with you), the landlady is just his next victim. Stop trying to think of good things about him, and stop worrying about what he did/is doing now. You deserve much better than this and I hope you show yourself some respect, whether if it's for your single life or for your next relationship

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Flowerbee said:

Does it mean he will probably be the same with other women? He’s had 6 girlfriends in the space of 4 years. A few of them posted on their social media about how he treated them to meals and drinks out. 
 

sometimes I wonder if he left me because he realised he got what he needed from his female landlady. She started offering to do all the things I did for him 

He might or he might not.  Maybe he'll get therapy and change or have an epiphany and change -none of it is your concern.  I was involved with a guy who was a player and then decided -enough-ready to settle down. I knew his family for years prior and him around a year before we started dating.  We dated five months and he never fell in love with me and he didn't treat me up to my standards. He ended it. 

6 months later he met his lovely beautiful wife.  Did he change - sort of - he sent me some inappropriate emails and called me while he was serious with her and when he was married.I didn't respond at all to the inapropriate parts.

We haven't been in touch in many years but as of a few years ago they'd been married around 15 years, seem happy, two kids -was still in touch with his sibling. 

So - yes he changed enough to settle down and I will be blunt and I think one reason he was willing to settle down with her and not with me is partly at least she was more attractive looking than me.  Did I let that bother me - a twinge, yes -I found out they got engaged when I was going through a rough time in my relationship - and this is what I believed.

But part of dating and relationships is accepting that sometimes part of why it doesn't work out is "just not that into me" and sure part of that can be that the person is looking for someone more physically attractive -maybe that person likes the "arm candy" part -whatever.  But if marriage or long term is what you want then you decide whether the disappointments are worth it and you decide whether you're strong enough to walk away when the person is not treating you with respect and is putting in at least equal effort -equal meaning "fair" not in a keeping score way.  

For me it was worth it to be out there, vulnerable, have a thick skin about dating because marriage and family were my goals despite no guarantees. It's up to you what is worth it to you.  Good luck.

[Frostypeach]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He might or he might not.  Maybe he'll get therapy and change or have an epiphany and change -none of it is your concern.  I was involved with a guy who was a player and then decided -enough-ready to settle down. I knew his family for years prior and him around a year before we started dating.  We dated five months and he never fell in love with me and he didn't treat me up to my standards. He ended it. 

6 months later he met his lovely beautiful wife.  Did he change - sort of - he sent me some inappropriate emails and called me while he was serious with her and when he was married.I didn't respond at all to the inapropriate parts.

We haven't been in touch in many years but as of a few years ago they'd been married around 15 years, seem happy, two kids -was still in touch with his sibling. 

So - yes he changed enough to settle down and I will be blunt and I think one reason he was willing to settle down with her and not with me is partly at least she was more attractive looking than me.  Did I let that bother me - a twinge, yes -I found out they got engaged when I was going through a rough time in my relationship - and this is what I believed.

But part of dating and relationships is accepting that sometimes part of why it doesn't work out is "just not that into me" and sure part of that can be that the person is looking for someone more physically attractive -maybe that person likes the "arm candy" part -whatever.  But if marriage or long term is what you want then you decide whether the disappointments are worth it and you decide whether you're strong enough to walk away when the person is not treating you with respect and is putting in at least equal effort -equal meaning "fair" not in a keeping score way.  

For me it was worth it to be out there, vulnerable, have a thick skin about dating because marriage and family were my goals despite no guarantees. It's up to you what is worth it to you.  Good luck.

I’m sorry you went through that.

Not to sound vain, I know I’m not unattractive however. I saw photos of his ex girlfriends and they all seem so different to me. I don’t want to call them unattractive but it’s not what I expected he would go for. Hence when he met me, and was telling me I was beautiful all the time, I really believed he liked me. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I’m sorry you went through that.

Not to sound vain, I know I’m not unattractive however. I saw photos of his ex girlfriends and they all seem so different to me. I don’t want to call them unattractive but it’s not what I expected he would go for. Hence when he met me, and was telling me I was beautiful all the time, I really believed he liked me. 

It doesn't mean he liked or respected you as a person. Those are sweet words to compliment someone.  Watch the actions. He did not treat you like a special person. I meant by my post that I was willing to put my ego aside and accept that this particular person who chose someone else happened to value physical features and found someone who was more attractive than me. It's not typically about physical features to that degree. 

Typically looks matter but chemistry is about far more than physical features and seeing a photo and comparing yourself makes no sense -it's a photo - nothing to do with how two people connect.  

It is really unattractive to act like a doormat and ask someone who is mistreating you or disrespecting you "how high should I jump".

If someone likes you as a person they will show that through their actions.  Compliments are also lovely.  Words are lovely.  But watch the feet- what a person does -far more than the lips.  And his feet were in yoga positions with his "roommate" for example.  HIs feet didn't have to walk as much because his girlfriend foot the bill for insurance. 

His "love language" was "quality time?"  Yes it was - he got quality meals and entertainment from you and made sure to communicate what he expected by texting you a receipt.  Probably while he was in a downward dog position with his roommate.  Don't indulge in justifying why you allowed yourself to be treated this way - resolve to get to the root of it and practice in all your interactions having better boundaries -one step at a time.  Good luck. 

[Frostypeach]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It doesn't mean he liked or respected you as a person. Those are sweet words to compliment someone.  Watch the actions. He did not treat you like a special person. I meant by my post that I was willing to put my ego aside and accept that this particular person who chose someone else happened to value physical features and found someone who was more attractive than me. It's not typically about physical features to that degree. 

Typically looks matter but chemistry is about far more than physical features and seeing a photo and comparing yourself makes no sense -it's a photo - nothing to do with how two people connect.  

It is really unattractive to act like a doormat and ask someone who is mistreating you or disrespecting you "how high should I jump".

If someone likes you as a person they will show that through their actions.  Compliments are also lovely.  Words are lovely.  But watch the feet- what a person does -far more than the lips.  And his feet were in yoga positions with his "roommate" for example.  HIs feet didn't have to walk as much because his girlfriend foot the bill for insurance. 

His "love language" was "quality time?"  Yes it was - he got quality meals and entertainment from you and made sure to communicate what he expected by texting you a receipt.  Probably while he was in a downward dog position with his roommate.  Don't indulge in justifying why you allowed yourself to be treated this way - resolve to get to the root of it and practice in all your interactions having better boundaries -one step at a time.  Good luck. 

I doubt he did anything sexual with his roommate though. He said he was feeling sad and his libido was dead. Plus she had a boyfriend who lived in the house too most of the time. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

I doubt he did anything sexual with his roommate though. He said he was feeling sad and his libido was dead. Plus she had a boyfriend who lived in the house too most of the time. 

Yes those were his words.  It doesn't matter if he had sex with her.  Or if her boyfriend kept watch from the other room or handcuffed her non-yoga pose limbs to a bed.  You also chose to be into someone who is telling you he has "no libido" -why? This was really safe for you -you could be all into him -knowing he would never commit to you. It's not about whether he penetrates her body or shares bodily fluids -he's letting you foot the bill and whispering sweet nothings while he also tells you he's doing "yoga" with his female roommate. Really?

[Frostypeach]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes those were his words.  It doesn't matter if he had sex with her.  Or if her boyfriend kept watch from the other room or handcuffed her non-yoga pose limbs to a bed.  You also chose to be into someone who is telling you he has "no libido" -why? This was really safe for you -you could be all into him -knowing he would never commit to you. It's not about whether he penetrates her body or shares bodily fluids -he's letting you foot the bill and whispering sweet nothings while he also tells you he's doing "yoga" with his female roommate. Really?

Would you be uncomfortable if a partner told you he just did a session in the living room of yoga with their roommate? My friends said I was just being paranoid.

then one day before he moved in, I asked him ‘will you hang out with your roommate, maybe go out with them?’ I asked it just out of curiousity as he didn’t have any friends other than me. And he said ‘what? Am I not allowed to have friends!?’

[Frostypeach]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes those were his words.  It doesn't matter if he had sex with her.  Or if her boyfriend kept watch from the other room or handcuffed her non-yoga pose limbs to a bed.  You also chose to be into someone who is telling you he has "no libido" -why? This was really safe for you -you could be all into him -knowing he would never commit to you. It's not about whether he penetrates her body or shares bodily fluids -he's letting you foot the bill and whispering sweet nothings while he also tells you he's doing "yoga" with his female roommate. Really?

I stayed with someone with low libido as I also had a low libido. It felt fine for me. He never initiated sex but I felt I was in control, which meant I finally enjoyed sex for once.

he initiated sex just one time and it was the last weekend I ever saw him which I felt was bizarre. As soon as he turned up at my house, he was ripping my clothes off. I said to him ‘don’t you want to wait until evening to have sex?’ He was like ‘no I want to do it now, we can do it again later.’ I was a bit shocked he was actually initiating. He even woke me up for sex the next morning which he had never done, I was so confused 

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Flowerbee said:

Would you be uncomfortable if a partner told you he just did a session in the living room of yoga with their roommate? My friends said I was just being paranoid.

then one day before he moved in, I asked him ‘will you hang out with your roommate, maybe go out with them?’ I asked it just out of curiousity as he didn’t have any friends other than me. And he said ‘what? Am I not allowed to have friends!?’

I would in the context you described and how you allowed him to treat you.  I'd avoid indulging in being "confused" because very little is confusing when you treat yourself with respect and kindness and have appropriate boundaries from a position of reasonable self confidence.  I've always had male platonic friends.  My husband has always had female platonic friends.  But we've ALWAYS acted loyal to each other, treated each other with respect and thoughtfulness and admit when we mess up and apologize and  resolve to do better, and we've never taken advantage of each other as he has with you -and you let him  - and we've always focused on loving as giving -not just words not just a "feeling".

So if he went to a platonic female friend's apartment and they did a workout video in her living room it would be really really weird as that's not like him -and no, honestly- I'd find it inappropriate - but yes depending on context etc I wouldn't think anything of it.  I work out in our building's fitness center daily.  Very often it is me and one or two other guys - using separate equipment.  I've spoken to one once and another years ago we'd chat a bit.  It would never occur to me to mention it to my husband as far as whether it's "appropriate" because it's a nonissue.

Couples often discuss when there is a situation that might be on the edges of appropriate to confirm their partner is ok with it.  I've done that in certain situations as has he and each time it's done in advance and with respect.  We have very few situations to discuss because our relationship is healthy, balanced, caring and respectful. 

This person is telling you this information in the context of already knowing you're happy to do whatever it takes financially or time-wise to keep him around - that you have little self-respect -so in that context he's letting you know -again and again -how little regard he has for you.  

[Frostypeach]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would in the context you described and how you allowed him to treat you.  I'd avoid indulging in being "confused" because very little is confusing when you treat yourself with respect and kindness and have appropriate boundaries from a position of reasonable self confidence.  I've always had male platonic friends.  My husband has always had female platonic friends.  But we've ALWAYS acted loyal to each other, treated each other with respect and thoughtfulness and admit when we mess up and apologize and  resolve to do better, and we've never taken advantage of each other as he has with you -and you let him  - and we've always focused on loving as giving -not just words not just a "feeling".

So if he went to a platonic female friend's apartment and they did a workout video in her living room it would be really really weird as that's not like him -and no, honestly- I'd find it inappropriate - but yes depending on context etc I wouldn't think anything of it.  I work out in our building's fitness center daily.  Very often it is me and one or two other guys - using separate equipment.  I've spoken to one once and another years ago we'd chat a bit.  It would never occur to me to mention it to my husband as far as whether it's "appropriate" because it's a nonissue.

Couples often discuss when there is a situation that might be on the edges of appropriate to confirm their partner is ok with it.  I've done that in certain situations as has he and each time it's done in advance and with respect.  We have very few situations to discuss because our relationship is healthy, balanced, caring and respectful. 

This person is telling you this information in the context of already knowing you're happy to do whatever it takes financially or time-wise to keep him around - that you have little self-respect -so in that context he's letting you know -again and again -how little regard he has for you.  

Ah ok thanks. And the sex thing, why would he suddenly be keen to initiate sex with me just before he broke up with me. He’d gone the whole relationship letting me initiate. And suddenly I felt a lot of pressure from him. And it felt strange 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Flowerbee said:

We never ever had an argument. And he was proud of that. Like everything was always quite nice.

That's because you hardly ever stood up for yourself. 

If you had had a backbone and were more assertive, I guarantee you there would have been arguments. You just let way too much go for too long, hence few arguments.