HELP! Don't know what to do...very CONFUSED

[dlils21]

This march me and my boyfriend of 5 years, split up. I left him after finding out he had been cheating on me. It was an ugly breakup. I packed my things and moved out of our place. I Kept up with the whole NC rule, even though he would constantly call me at my work and leave messages on that phone. (i had to get a new cell...and I haven't given him that number) So a week ago I broke down. I called him back from work and told him how much i missed him, how hard it was to start all over...But i clearly told him that i was not saying this to try to work things out, but to end things on a better note, and clear my mind. He then said he wanted to see me cause, he wanted to end things better and needed to see me one last time. I was dumb enough to finally say ok. So he met me outside of my work...and it was awkward, we small chated and then at the end we started to cry because it would be "the last time" we would see each other. We huged and walked off. Boy oh boy that was soooo hard!! Anyhow later on i went to my friends house...and he was also there. (Her boyfriend and him are friends) So yeah...he ended up asking me to go on a drive...and my dumbass accepted. We ended up driving around reminising going to our old apartments. We talked about our current beaus. He is seeing the girl he cheated on me with. He told me he wasnt' in love with her, but that they were serious. It just hurt me like hell hearing that. I 'm also seeing someone new but we're not serious. So then we start talking about how hard it would be to get back together...considering I don't believe him! He said he'd break up with her...but to give him time. I don't know what the hell to do. I love him so much, and at times i just feel like i want to be with him because i need to be loved be someone. The new guys, just wasn't cutting it. I know he loves me, but it hurts to know that 2 people who love each other are so wrong. I know that i just answered my question....but its' still so hard!! Please can someone just keep telling me to be strong...and not give into his "game". THANKS.

[kskm]

Don't do it!!! Leave him alone. If you get back together with him he will more then likely cheat on you again because in his mind he will think she let me do it once and I got away with it- I can do it again.

I like you was in a relationship for 5 years with my ex, and he cheated on me, and I moved out. I couldn't keep nc with him due to some legal issues with the house and everything, but I have made sure that everything is kept business like.

Don't let him use you again. Not matter how hard it is don't do it

[tiger_lilies]

Yeah, don't do it! You're setting yourself up for more heartache in the future. You can't trust him, how can you expect to have a full meaningful relationship when you can't trust him anymore. Plus he's still with the girl he cheated on you with! Yuck! He obviously can't handle being on his own and constantly needs someone there for him. Let her deal with his crap.

 

I know it hurts, what break-up doesn't? I know you miss him, of course you do, you loved him once and probably still do to some extent. But the fact that he wasn't thinking about you when he decided to pursue her should make you sick to your stomach. Cheating is selfish. He was thinking of only satisfying himself. As he is now by asking for time to break-up with her so that he can be with you. Riiiiigghhht!

 

He is still thinking about himself. Lose the loser. Move on with your life and find someone who will think about you as much as you think about him. If you get back with him, the relationship will NOT be the same. Things have changed for the both of you now. Don't expect that things will be hunky-dory if you do.

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree with the above posters. Don't get back together with this loser!

 

I don't know why you'd want to end things "on a good note" with this guy. He cheated on you! He put his *beep* into another girls' *beep* when he was with you! He doesn't deserve a good ending with you. You should have filed a restraining order against him instead of meeting him "one last time."

 

You know you can't trust him. If you did get back together with him, the longer you stay with him the more likely it is he'll cheat on you again. Can you picture yourself married to this guy with kids 10 years from now? What will it be like if he cheats on you then?

 

Tell him you've thought it over and you don't want to have any contact with him at all. Tell him there's no chance of you two getting back together. You should also speak to your friend about this situation, and let her know you don't want him in the house when you're around.

[dlils21]

I know he hasn't changed. And yep it's still hard. I plan on not calling him this weekend. He still doesn't has my new cell. He said he'd go to couple counseling....ETC. Oh gosh. Yes i know he just needs someone there for him. I spoke to him earlier today. (he called me at work) He asked me what i would do if he would leave her. I told him that i don't know if I'd take him back. He then said he wanted to keep talking to me.. I told him that he needed to be honest to her and tell her that we talk. He tells me that she knows how it is: that he still loves me, but cares alot about her. He says, that she's ok with that as long as he is honest with her. Ughh...Anyhow i know he's just playing games. He wants to keep her as backup in case things between us don't work out!!!!!!!!!!!!

[RandomAdvisor]

He wants to keep her as backup in case things between us don't work out!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Exactly. If he really loved you, you'd be worth the risk of losing this other girl he supposedly isn't serious with.

 

Tell him to stop calling you and that it's over!

[dlils21]

Yeah.. I'll tell him that. But of course he'll find some way to rationalize it. It's gonna be hard to do the whole NC thing. Especially since i really want to see him. And yeah...i want to have some kind of realtionship with him. And being with him is comfort. He know me the best and vice versa.

Question..Is it crazy to think of stupid things such as when i saw him that one night i felt like telling him for us to go get married real quick. YES I KNOW THIS WAS A STUPID THING. My judgement was clouded by our "happiness" But that night i saw him we had such a great night...that i felt that stupid. Of course i wouldn't do it, but my stupidness came over me...and I just didn't want to let him go. Sometimes i feel like i just want to "take him back"...just to say ha,ha,ha to that girls face. But of course then I'd have to be with him...which i know is not best.

[Hope75]

This guy cheated on you, you had to find out and then dump him, he is still seeing the girl he cheated on you with and is giving you some bogus line about how he does not love her??? (oh, but it's serious...)

 

Don't you think he may have given this line to her when YOU were still his gf to get in HER pants?

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. He cheated on you and now he's going behind her back trying to get you back. Sounds like a real prince this guy.

 

Tell him to get lost and leave you alone. If you take him back it's just going to happen again. He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

 

You surely can do better.

[dlils21]

Thank you all for all the advice. I know that he and I will never be "happily ever after" But it feels like i have big gaping hole in my heart. I've lost 15 pounds in two months. I try to make myself busy...and it works for a little while. What else can I do? Everyone always says..."think of what he did to you" And yep it does make me angry...but like everyhthing only for a little while. Then i start missing him so much that i can't bear it anymore. I feel like dying. (no i'm not suicidal) Just very lonely. I wish i had someone else----I guess i need to get out more and find someone else. I was with him since i was 15. My first and only real boyfriend. In between the realtionship we took some breaks...and saw other people. but nothing major.

 

What helps ease the pain? And do any of you think we can be friends. As of right now, I know that we can't be friends. I tell him that we can be civil..but not friends. I just couldn't bear to hear about his life, and know that i wasn't sharing it with him. fU#%!!

 

When I'm "over" him is it possible to be friends...does that ever happen?

[av82]

Yeah it's possible to be friends with an ex...but you can't think about that now. Right now you need to have No Contact with him. He hurt you and you need to heal....focus on yourself. Being friends with an ex requires absolutely no feelings...and it is hard. So I would focus on not speaking to him...and focus on moving on. When I say moving on...try imaging your life without him.. completely out...that is the quickest way to get over someone. That means no talking....NO CONTACT.

[dlils21]

Ok...so it's sunday morning...and no I have not called him as of yet. My friend had me promise her not to give in and call him. I want to, but i am using every ounce of strength in me not to. The last time i spoke to him was friday morning.

 

I told him that he had to honest with her (the other girl) about how he was talking to me. Basically talking to see if were gonna be able to get back together. He said that he couldn't tell her that. So i then told him that it wasn't right to lie to her, 'cause---well other than it being dishonest...it just showed me how he hadn't changed. He asked me to call him when i wanted to talk. (I've held on tight to NOT giving him my new cell #) I can't imagine what it would be like to always think it was him calling me when it rang. What torture that would be. More than it is for me not picking up and calling me.

 

Here are some tips, or things I tell myself when I come close to calling. 1. He might be with her....and why the hell would i do that to myself...and of course the number one and most powerful reason not is To not cry or feel like someone's ripped out my heart right after the conversation.

 

Basically like someone said above, If he'd truly love me, he'd risk loosing her to be with me. And believe my that's a hard truth to swallow. It makes me sooooo sad. But it's also impowering at the same time.

 

And to anyone who's been in his situation DON'T LIE. If you truly care about someone don't lie. "THE TRUTH HURT, BUT LIES HURT MORE"----So True.

[Hope75]

He isn't willing to tell his gf the truth about talking to you, he's still trying to smooth talk you into coming back, and yet not willing to end things with the other girl to pursue possible feelings with you.

 

Sound familiar? I believe his gf's role and yours were reversed last time this happened and well, you know what happened next.

 

This jerk hasn't changed at all. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He is playing both of your feelings. First off he has a gf who he is being dishonest with (nothing new) and second, you were that girlfriend not too long ago.

 

Don't perpetuate the situation. If I were you I wouldn't take him back either way. I just don't think he can be trusted. What if he got back with you and in a month or two decides he still cares for the other girl and pulls the same BS on both of you again?

 

You can do better. ALOT better.

[dlils21]

yes...i know exactly what is happening. It is just hard to turn off your feelings....and not feel like maybe he has changed...or maybe this time it will be different.

 

Today has been a REALLY BAD DAY. All day long I have cried on and off. Moped around...even though I've been out with people. I just crashed today! Hopefully tomorrow at work it won't be like this.

 

tomorrow I plan not to answer my desk phone at work. I know it will be him if it rings. Ughhh...I just hope I'm strong enough not to answer. I'm good when it comes to ME not calling....but i get sucked in when he calls. It makes me feel good, and wanted. But I will see how it goes. Thanks again to everyone who has helped me

[Donatella]

I just want to say...hang in there and be strong. If you don't respect yourself then he never will. The first step to respecting yourself is to not answer that phone. BEST CASE scenario is that he means what he says and that he does want to be with you....so what?

You only get so many opportunities in life, make sure he realizes that you were a once in a lifetime...not as many times as you need. He messed up, 5 years is a long commitment and there was no excuse. He didn't just kiss a girl at a party, or have a one night stand (which is still not excusable) but he has another girlfriend! If he was able to live with himself while lying to both of you he doesn't have much of a conscience and why did he learn his lesson all of a sudden?? This is all a game to him, it sounds like he thrives on the drama and wants to see if he can "win" the game by getting you back. Unfortunately, him winning means you lose so don't let him drag you back into this unnecessary rollercoaster. There is a man out there who will love you and respect you unconditionally because you deserve nothing less.

Please be strong and what I did when I was going through my recent break up was put up pictures of my good friends or my family. It helped to remind me everytime I wanted to call him that I would be undermining all the love of my REAL loved ones if I went back to call the jerk who hurt me.

Hope that helps. I know you will make the best decision for yourself.

[Hope75]

It is just hard to turn off your feelings....and not feel like maybe he has changed...or maybe this time it will be different.

 

I know that is is hard to turn off feelings, that part is hard. You won't be able to turn those off. They will fade with time, if you can stay strong and realize that you deserve more than this cheater.

 

Look at the way he is behaving right now though, he is proving to you that he still can't be trusted, that he is still going behind his present gf's back making a move on you, and he did the exact same thing to you with her. Nothing has changed. He's still out for himself, and leaving a trail of deceived women in his wake.

 

How did you feel when he got together with her? Now picture how she would feel if you mess with him while they are together. Keep your integrity, and don't go there. Even if he leaves her, what then? How will you ever trust him knowing that he messed with her while with you and disrespected your commitment and relationship, and now he is disrespecting thier commitment and relationship. He knows it's wrong too, or he would have no problem telling her that he talks to you.

 

He sounds like Grade A Creep.

[iamonlyhuman]

He says, that she's ok with that as long as he is honest with her. Ughh...Anyhow i know he's just playing games. He wants to keep her as backup in case things between us don't work out!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

dam thats just like my ex, we were to gether 4yrs and he cheated on me with this girl and is now seeing her.

He told me the same thing, that she didn't mind him talking to me and that he cares for her and doesn't wana hurt her but still loves me...tutttt!!

 

 

You know what girfriend, if he loves you then why doesn't he say to you that its over between him and the girl?? he won't because he wants to have his cake and eat it....like the above posts say don't be his back up plan and don't make him see that you are comfortable speaking to him even though he is STILL seeing the girl he CHEATED on you with... dam he needs to be told where to go for real!!

 

dont let him carry on using you even though you have broken up it is just as bad as being used whilst being together!! He ain't worth it!!

[dlils21]

Okay...so far so good. I haven't received a phone call yet. When i came in this morning, there wasn't a message waiting for me from him. I Have to admit...that it hurts me to see that he didn't leave me a message.

 

But hey it's for the BEST. Coming on to this board, makes me feel so much stronger. Sometimes I feel like my friends are getting tired of seeing me so down..or telling them how much it sucks and trying to over anylze every little thing about our relationship. Especially since none of them "knows" how it is. But no one can really know what it feel like until you've been there. Basically this board is one of the best tools for me to help myself be stronger...and as some of you guys have said..I need to respect myself cause nobody else will until i do. "There is a man out there who will love you and respect you unconditionally because you deserve nothing less." Thanks Donatella for this quote. It helps me get through the thought of settling for less, which I plan not to do. I just hate the thought of waiting for that day when i do find the perfect perosn.

 

Does anyone know any tips on how to regain your appetite? I've lost about 6 pounds in a little over a week. I'm shrinking before my eyes...I had to bring back some clothes from my skinny days. It's really starting to F with my body...as I said earlier yesterday was a bad day emotionaly and Physically. I took alot for me to just walk. I had to sit down every five minutes...or i felt exahusted. Also does anyone else when they wake up feel like someone just punched them in chest. Oh god, that is just the absolute worst. It happens throughout the day...but just waking up with that is AWFUL.

[Hope75]

If you find that you have no appetite (not unusual, I lost 18 lbs in 6 weeks after breaking up with my guy) try drinking ensure shakes or similar drinks that have alot of calories and nutrients. At least you keep up your caloric intake and get some nutrients until your appetite comes back.

 

You are doing well. Don't let this guy play head games with you and mess with your heart. You do derserve what Donatella said and more, and it is up to you to make sure that you settle for nothing less.

[iamonlyhuman]

Does anyone know any tips on how to regain your appetite? I've lost about 6 pounds in a little over a week. I'm shrinking before my eyes...I had to bring back some clothes from my skinny days. It's really starting to F with my body...as I said earlier yesterday was a bad day emotionaly and Physically. I took alot for me to just walk. I had to sit down every five minutes...or i felt exahusted. Also does anyone else when they wake up feel like someone just punched them in chest. Oh god, that is just the absolute worst. It happens throughout the day...but just waking up with that is AWFUL.

 

The first 2 weeks i didn't eat anything, nibbled alittle here and there but it was forced. If you feel you can't stomach anything at the moment drink some drinks full of nutrients like 'nourishment' and ' malt drink' which was one of my favourites which are full of essential vitamins, I was a fan of them during that time when I couldn't stomach anything.

Drink loads of water, eventually you will get your appetite back, I did after about 2 weeks, but I kinda started to over eat so be careful and I also gained more than what I lost but I am now back to my healthy weight after exercising like crazy.

 

Don't worry the lack of appetite for food will dissappear i assure you and you will feel this when you start to heal yourself.

 

Its a horrible time and I would never want a repeat of what I went through and what you are going through, you will be alright, keep yourself busy and remember its his loss becasue you are a special person and you deserve so much better.

 

Happiness will come but don't rely on love from a man for your happiness becasue it comes from within ourselves, when we are truly happy inside then we won't have to rely on anybody for our happiness.

 

Keep your head up, it will all pass providing you stick to NC and heal yourself in the process afterall thats what it is meant for.

[dlils21]

I have failed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I answered my phone. He wanted to see what i was up to. He asked me why i hadn't called him all weekend. I told him that i thought he'd be busy. He's like..."oh, well I broke down and had to call you, I wanted to see if you were alive." (JOkingly he said that since i didn't try contacting him.)

 

He asked if he could see me tomorrow and i told him that small voice i didn't know. Oh god! i just made a deal with the devil.

 

He then called me later to ask me if i had told one of my friends (she works with both of them) that if she wants to know the truth about him. that i had proof of his ways. And that if he kept on lying that i would let her(the other girl) know the truth. He has left lovey dovey messages on my phone, and i have saved them. Yes, bad i know. Honestly i WOULDN'T DO THAT...why try to wreck their perfect realationship? I don't have enough balls anyhow...plus i don't want that kind of drama. I have enough of my self imposed drama.

 

He called to ask if i had said such a thing...i lied. I'm going to tell him tomorrow if i see him. But i also plan to tell him that our talking has got to stop, because he is not showing me anything but that he has not changed. Of course that's if i don't break down...Yes...I'm doubting if i want to see him. I don't think i will be able to! Can't wait until thursday when i get to see my therapist. Maybe i should wait until then to make such a big discission.

 

Boy o boy Come on guys tell me how stupid of thing I have just done! If i keep this up...i'll be a skelaton in no time.

[RandomAdvisor]

Why are you so determined to be unhappy? You know this guy is just going to hurt you again.

 

Call the phone company, and have them block his # from calling you. Simple.

[dlils21]

It is a vicious cycle that i just have not been able to end! I wish i could tell you guys the whole story...but this is how it's always been.

[RandomAdvisor]

Call the phone company and have them put a block on his #. Do it now.

[dlils21]

I don't think i can. It's my work number. I'd feel weird telling them that my ex, keeps calling me.

 

I guess you can blame my stupidity on the fact that he has been my only boyfriend. We started to see each other when i was 15. Four a 1/4 of my life i have been "in love" with this individual. He was my first everything. I've had crushes and have even spoken to other guys....but of course not to the level that he and i have had.

 

We graduated hs and went to school in the same city. We've had a living together relationship for about 3 years now. I've never been without him for more than 3 months. There was a brief period where we broke up...but atlas we got together again. That is my vicious cyle...here i am on the same ride...once again.

[RandomAdvisor]

Well, you have to do something about it. Where do you work?