Donatella

Look don't get down...you haven't failed. I know how you feel when you think you are in a vicious cycle, yes 4 and a half years is a long time but SO IS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Pick your head up girl and keep on pushing. There will be days when you answer his call but it doesn't mean you failed it just means you need to try harder. Eventually you will pick up his calls less and less until one day you'll look back and you won't believe that you kept him around that long. As for the eating...I know what that's like. Just make yourself eat something, it won't taste good but soup and shakes go down easy and quickly. ANother thing that will help put things in perspective...maybe take the time to look around at people around you who may need your help more than you need theres. I know it sounds corny but it's true. When I was going through my bad break up, I realized how ridiculous I was for crying over an A*hole when there were patients coming into the office who we being diagnosed with cancer. I'm not saying to use other people's miseries to make yourself feel better...but just appreciate that you HAVE the strength and the ability to get over the worst thing that seems to be happening to you. Just be strong and don't say you failed because you'll only negatively affect yourself. You're human and you make mistakes but the first step is at least admitting that you know beign with him and talking to him is wrong. DON'T BELIEVE HIS LIES and when you think it sounds sweet just picture the other girl waiting for him at home...that will piss you off and block his conniving lies from being believed. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Aretha Franklin knew what she was talking about. Or pop in some Gloria Gaynor and belt out I WILL SURVIVE and its silly but it helps.

I guess I see your point but the only part I disagree with is that I do understand why he was upset because I would have been just as upset if not more. I am not saying he shouldn't have been hurt, and everyone has the right to react emotionally to something like that but I guess he didn't let me go but he also didn't forgive me. So it was a strange way of keeping me there but also making sure I felt horrible over and over ( I didnt really need his help for that though). I guess I read these suggestions and it is harder than I thought to read them and actually believe that the best idea is to say goodbye because things are so different now. I am concerned that in a future situation because his trust for me was once broken that it may affect how we deal with future conflicts. So that is really my concern, aside from that I know we love each other but Tina Turner said it best..What's love got to do with it?

yeah that's hater, you cheated on her and now you want to go on a vacation with her and her family. The question to ask is...why are you going on a trip with her? For the trip itself or to spend time with her?

I just want to say...hang in there and be strong. If you don't respect yourself then he never will. The first step to respecting yourself is to not answer that phone. BEST CASE scenario is that he means what he says and that he does want to be with you....so what? You only get so many opportunities in life, make sure he realizes that you were a once in a lifetime...not as many times as you need. He messed up, 5 years is a long commitment and there was no excuse. He didn't just kiss a girl at a party, or have a one night stand (which is still not excusable) but he has another girlfriend! If he was able to live with himself while lying to both of you he doesn't have much of a conscience and why did he learn his lesson all of a sudden?? This is all a game to him, it sounds like he thrives on the drama and wants to see if he can "win" the game by getting you back. Unfortunately, him winning means you lose so don't let him drag you back into this unnecessary rollercoaster. There is a man out there who will love you and respect you unconditionally because you deserve nothing less. Please be strong and what I did when I was going through my recent break up was put up pictures of my good friends or my family. It helped to remind me everytime I wanted to call him that I would be undermining all the love of my REAL loved ones if I went back to call the jerk who hurt me. Hope that helps. I know you will make the best decision for yourself.

Well unfortunately I can't give you every exact detail...but yes you are right I should have told him. And I had no way of proving this to my bf but I was going to tell him that week but I wanted to in person because I knew it would be a huge deal. Unfortunately for me, someone got to him before I did. I painted a really negative picture because I'm making sure to mention all of the big events but this happened half a year ago and after the month of chaos we slowly mended things. Now we are in a more comfortable relationship and we have taken larger steps towards being together. For example, he has introduced me to his entire family (which is something he has never done before), and we include each other in all of our major life decisions (such as moving, careers, etc..) It is almost as if what happened in the past never happened. I know he wants to get married and he says that he is in love with me and can't be without me. So basically I just want opinions on what I can do to not fight about the guy and social life conflicts and even though I made a very hurtful mistake, are his reactions to me manipulative or is he just reacting to what happened in the past? (he was similarly controlling before but he eased up a bit until what happened)

My boyfriend and I met 2 years ago and have been together for almost a year and a half. At first I wasn't very interested in being with him exclusively because it was a long distance relationship ( i was in college out of state). However, our conversations grew on me and he was the person I was excited to see everytime I came home. He also flew up to see me a couple of times in college and it meant a lot to me. Well to fast forward to the present. Things changed dramatically when I came home because I was expecting us to now spend all of our time together and instead I realized that he does have a life and friends and it does not always include me. This made me feel very neglected, needy and sad. I was disappointed because I was never like this but I was so falling for him. He got stressed about my reactions because he was still living the same life but just with me included, but for me it was entirely different since all of my friends were out of state. I randomly had some old friends contact me 5 months after I moved home and we went out. I acted wrongly and ended up flirting, kissing and giving a guy my number at a club. Somehow he found out and he totally broke up with me and called me some ugly names. I could have totally accepted the break up because our trust was damaged but his hurtful name calling and abusive reaction was uncalled for. I thought it was over but he kept contacting me to remind me how I "fu**ed" everything up. Eventually I told him that he needed to leave me alone if he was never going to forgive me. He realized I was seriously going to walk away forever and started being nicer but also manipulative because he knew I felt horrible for what I did, so he used it against me. He did this manipulative thing for a month before finally I broke down and told him that if we didnt start forgiving and forgetting that I wanted no more of it. So he gave up the act and started acting normal. Slowly and with time we started hanging out more and more until eventually it was like nothing happened. He never brought it up again and we are more stable then we were in the past ever. Okay sorry for the length of this but here's closer to the point...while all of this was going on I was crying all the time and all of my family and friends saw this. They can't stand him now and every time me and him fight they use that as more support that I shouldn't be with him. OUr fights now have nothing to do with the past and are just because we are both stubborn and are learning how to grow together and communicate together but no one is perfect. Now I am also rethinking our relationship because there are moments when I feel like he is still very manipulative and even though it was not as bad as when we went through our break up....there are hints of his outrageous jealousy and possesiveness. He doesn't want me talking to guys I ever dated and he always gets irritated if I mention having plans with guy friends (even though I always end up not going because i know it bothers him). The thing is, i barely have plans anyway because I don't know many people at home anymore, so the few times I do mention plans I can sense his irritation. I am starting grad school soon and I know that I will start having more of a social life again and I am afraid that he will once again bring out the ugly side of him and start not trusting me again and being jealous. I don't know what to do because I love him and we have a wonderful time together but I shouldn't be afraid of going out with friends or hanging out with other guys. I would talk to him about it but he would just deny it and tell me that "he doesn't hang out with girls alone so why would I hang out with guys alone??". What should I do? Break up with him....is he right about not hanging out with guys? Should I just stick to hanging out with girls. I'm so confused...please help.