HELP! Don't know what to do...very CONFUSED

[Hope75]

Well it seems you are resigned that you are totally helpless and unable to make decisions for yourself and that your fate is in the hands of this manipulative cheater, so what the heck, take him back, be the other woman and let him burn you all over again.

 

Why not? If you lie down he will walk all over you.

 

If he does it to you once, it's his bad.

 

If you know he hasn't changed and yet you still talk to him and consider taking him back, it's your bad, and you are a fool who deserves what you get.

 

Don't be stupid. How many times will you let him screw you over?

[Donatella]

Look don't get down...you haven't failed. I know how you feel when you think you are in a vicious cycle, yes 4 and a half years is a long time but SO IS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Pick your head up girl and keep on pushing. There will be days when you answer his call but it doesn't mean you failed it just means you need to try harder.

Eventually you will pick up his calls less and less until one day you'll look back and you won't believe that you kept him around that long.

As for the eating...I know what that's like. Just make yourself eat something, it won't taste good but soup and shakes go down easy and quickly.

ANother thing that will help put things in perspective...maybe take the time to look around at people around you who may need your help more than you need theres. I know it sounds corny but it's true. When I was going through my bad break up, I realized how ridiculous I was for crying over an A*hole when there were patients coming into the office who we being diagnosed with cancer. I'm not saying to use other people's miseries to make yourself feel better...but just appreciate that you HAVE the strength and the ability to get over the worst thing that seems to be happening to you.

Just be strong and don't say you failed because you'll only negatively affect yourself. You're human and you make mistakes but the first step is at least admitting that you know beign with him and talking to him is wrong. DON'T BELIEVE HIS LIES and when you think it sounds sweet just picture the other girl waiting for him at home...that will piss you off and block his conniving lies from being believed.

 

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Aretha Franklin knew what she was talking about. Or pop in some Gloria Gaynor and belt out I WILL SURVIVE and its silly but it helps.

[dlils21]

Okay so it's been a day...since i've been on this board...and like expected i failed miserably.

 

Yesterday he and i met. He picked me up and we went on a drive. We talked about how we were doing..etc. Then on a whim...we decided to drive to SF and hang out in the city. It was nice. We walked along the pier...watched street performers...had a late lunch. Yes everything we use to do...we kissed & hugged. No sex though.

 

On the drive back...i finally got the nerve to ask him were he thought we were going (us). He said he didn't know. That he knew he wanted to be with me...but wasn't sure if i was. Which is true. I have NEVER asked him to get back together. Yes of course I'd like to, but when it comes down to it...i don't know if I'd take him back. Obviously I can't trust him...and i told him that. It would be alot of hard work to work out our relationship..and I don't think were both willing to put in the effort. Ughhh...So i like spending time with him...but at the same time...i don't F'n know anything.

 

I can't change my number...i work for the state for an elected official. So yeah...it would be hard. Either way he could always call the main line...and they won't ever change that number.

 

On a happier note..I still have not given him my cell number...or have i disclosed the place that i got my other job at.

[Hope75]

So,

 

Which one of you is planning on telling his girlfriend that he was cheating with you yesterday?

 

Why are you being a doormat??

 

On the drive back...i finally got the nerve to ask him were he thought we were going (us). He said he didn't know. That he knew he wanted to be with me...but wasn't sure if i was

 

Come on, dlils, he cheated on you once, with his now girlfriend, and now he is cheating on her with you.

 

This guy has absolutely no respect for commitment, it's just whatever he feels at the moment, with no consideration for the feelings of these women that he uses and then throws away like used condoms.

 

BUT... he is not the only one to blame here.

Shame on you for messing with someone in a commited relationship! There is NO making this out like it is not your fault or out of your control. You are an intelligent women with her own will and you are making excuses for messing with a cheater and being a doormat. You know what it feels like to be cheated on. Why would you want to give that feeling to anyone else???

 

There is only one right thing to do here, and I think you know what that is.

[dlils21]

YES. I know what i did was wrong. Wrong for many reasons...but honestly her feelings did not come # 1 on my list. She went after him...when she knew he had a girlfriend (me). So no, I don't really feel all that bad. I know it was a bad thing... and if the story was different then yes, I'd feel horrible about myself. I do kinda of feel bad that she is going to feel awful...but what did she expect. I don't think many wouldn't do what i did. She wasn't thinking about me when she was him.

 

Anyhow he called me today...and told me that last night after our "date" he told her everything. But I'm not really sure what that means. He's at work right now...and I don't know all the details. He also asked me if i was serious about us...and not just planning on getting back with him and then dumping his butt. Albeit that would be funny...i Still love the guy. And now...my life is full of more choas. tomorrow I'll see my therapist---can't wait.

[Hope75]

I think you really need to talk about this with your therapist.

 

YES. I know what i did was wrong. Wrong for many reasons...but honestly her feelings did not come # 1 on my list. She went after him...when she knew he had a girlfriend (me). So no, I don't really feel all that bad.

 

OK, so you have alot of anger and resentment towards his gf, and you say she went after him (that's his words I am sure, and right now he is going after you, so how much do you really believe that??) but you know what? When she went after him, he could have and should have said no. He should have told her he was in a commited relationship with you. Did he? NO. He cheated on you with her, and he is still with her and now cheating with you.

 

Does this really sound like a guy you can ever trust again?

 

And just because she did you wrong doesn't give you the right to hurt her back. Where's your integrity girl? Didn't your family teach you better then this? This is the kind of thing you should rise above and walk away from and say, "No thanks, that's not for me. I deserve better."

 

I do kinda of feel bad that she is going to feel awful...but what did she expect.

 

You know what? You are right. She hooked up with a guy who freely cheated on his gf with her, and now he's cheating on her. What did she expect, hooking up with someone with no morals and no respect for women or commitment?

He also asked me if i was serious about us...and not just planning on getting back with him and then dumping his butt.

 

I'd turn this right around and ask him, "that depends, how serious were you last time when you cheated on me with your gf?"

 

Man girl!! Do you see what I see here?

 

You deserve so much more than this. What do you think will happen in 6 months when he gets comfortable and bored with you and she is on his mind....hmmm...let's see....he's passed one for the other twice now..... what's a third time?

 

Wake up!!

 

Do you really want to get hurt again like you did the first time? If you take him back you are headed right that way. Love is not enough. He lied to you and messed with someone behind your back, and now he's doing it to her. What do you think commitment and fidelity means to him??? NOTHING, that's what. And he's proven it, twice.

 

This is not some romantic story where he realized his mistake and is coming to take you back. He cheated once, and now he's doing it again. It's like second nature to him now.

I'm eager to hear what your therapist has to say about this.

[dlils21]

Alot has happened since the last time I posted. On wednesay like i said he called to tell me he had told her the truth. So on thursday... i spoke to him and he said that wednesday night he had ended things with her. He told her that he didn't feel love for her, and that he was very confused right now. So that he needed time to think. I don't really think he said my name---but more or less she must have known that he was confused because of me.

 

He also said that he'd call me (yep i finally gave him my number) because she was going to go over to his place and pick up some of her stuff. God, that hurt me. Just to know that she had her stuff there killed me. How could he have replaced me like that?! That was my space before!

 

What really bothers me too, is that he is hurting right now. He said that he felt bad about leaving her,,,but knew that he loved me. It just tears me up to think that he did have strong feelings for this girl. He said he didn't feel like talking to me or her...that he was just confused. As i am too. When i found out that he had left her...i was shocked..Now i had to go along with this trying to get back together thing. i didn't think it would happen this quickly.

 

Luckily i talked to my therapist yesterday...She basically told me what i had already thought. That i wanted to be with him, because i wanted to feel loved and wanted. which is totally right on the money. And that going into this relationship while the spark was on would be great. But that once the spark goes away is when the hard part would happen...and that she didn't know if we could work our relationship out. It would be VERY Hard.

 

Of course I don't want to get hurt again...but right now..I'm feeling like the chance of working things out with him out wiegh the bad. My therapist asked me if i was prepared for what was to come if the worst happens. Which in my opinion wouldn't be that he cheats on me or leaves me. What would be the worst case seniario...would be if he wants to be with her and not me. That would be the worst. To know that Iam not in 1st place. A place that I have been for the last 4.5 years. Okay so he's number 1, and then me. But just to have her take MY place would be unbearable.

 

Last night he texted me a message saying if i could see myself with him in 10 years. I didn't get it until this morning. I fell asleep early last night. I don't know if i can. Sometimes i do sometimes i don't. Crap what the F did i do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Hope75]

What do you think is the right thing for you to do?

 

Do you really think you can trust him if you get back with him right after he ended it with his gf?

 

I think it was more serious with her than he admitted to you, for obvious reasons (doesn't want to hurt you, didn't want you to know he cared alot for her and possibly loved her.)

 

You do realize that since he is a repeat offender that it's likely he could start seeing you and then realize he still cares for her and start seeing her too... right?

 

You really have to decide what you think is the best thing for you, meaning that you aren't afraid you are going to get hurt, that you can trust him if you go into this, and frankly, I don't see how you can.

 

Plus, you know since he just ended it with her and there are still feelings there that he is confused and likely to rebound somewhat....

 

I don't want to sound like a jerk here, but these are some very real concerns you need to look at before you consider taking him back. I mean, he hurt you once already, badly, and it wasn't just a fling, he went on to have a relationship with her, and now this....

 

Think seriously before you invest any more with this guy.

[dlils21]

I know what would be the safest choice. LEAVING HIM AND NEVER TURNING BACK! Getting over him...and finding someone new. And that choice would probably be the best for my mind, body, & soul.

 

Of course my trust level for him will be zip to none. I know that he has just ended it with her. And of course I've had to face the fact that he had real feelings with her...it wasn't just a fling. But i know he didn't love her...well not to the level he loves me. 3 months cannot compare to 4.5 years. They just can't! They are still in that honeymoon state....they still haven't figured out ther bad sides,,and all that other crap longer relationships go through.

 

Yep..I know that he might see her again. It hurts to know that. But i truly think that he is going to try his best to work this out. He's been real honest right now, I just hope he keeps it up. I want to believe that he now see's that lying does not acomplish anything..but hurt the person even more badly.

 

Hope 75...I know it will be hard..AND i totally see your point of view. I'd say the same thing to you, and anyone else. You don't sound like a jerk...You're just a wise woman. More than me. Of course it's so hard being me right now. I'm TORN, CONFUSED...ANGRY, SAD, MAD, HAPPY, FRIGHTENED, HURT, and a plethera of other emotions occupy my mind.

[dlils21]

Okay...so i saw him today at lunch. Oye...so he said that he was sure that he wanted to be with me..but he said he was hurting, over leaving her. He said he was hAppy with her. This crushes me but i'm glad that he is being honest with me.

 

We also talked about our sex lives. He said he didn't know if he would be comfortable right away having sex with me. He says the thought of me being with the other guy was too much. He says that one of toughest things to come to terms with. Is this true for most guys????? I mean it bothers me to know that he was getting down with her, but it doesn't really consume me unless i really think about it. It was a given that they would be doing that.

 

I just know that it will be hard for him to just stop caring for her. But he said that when he thought about loosing her it didn't bother him that much. But that he couldnt live or bear to be without me. I know..I know...I'm putting myself in emotional turmoil. Yes it's my fault. GOD...WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM. I wish i could just press a button and not have these feelings. Like I've said before..i think it's just that NEED to be wanted.

Has anyone else been in the perdictament? Either me, him, or the other girl. What happened?

[Hope75]

Dlils,

 

I don't see how this is going to work. He just broke up with her yesterday. He isn't giving himself time to think or regroup or do anything except a kneejerk reaction to his feelings, which are confusion, feelings for her, and some for you.

 

I'm sure their relationship was different than yours was, each one is different, but that doesn't mean he didn't have deep feelings for her.

 

I also don't know how you can possibly have a healthy relationship with him if you have no trust. And you said you have NO trust, and for good reason. Think about the dynamics of this possible relationship, beyond your loneliness and jealousy of someone taking "your" place.

 

Let's say he's out somewhere. You don't know where, because he is an adult and it's not necessary for him to report to you every where he goes. (or will it be?? )

 

You call his cell, no answer. A couple of hours go by, you call again. No answer. Now you've left two messages and you are freaking out he may have met her for lunch and gone back to her place to "talk" and one thing leads to another.

 

Or let's say he tells you he's going out with the guys on Saturday night. Do you call to check up, and make sure that's where he is? Do you let it eat you that he might be with her, or someone else for that matter? Do you wait up until he gets home and then chew him out? What if he tells you that's silly, he told you he was with the guys. Do you believe him? Do you call the guys? Will they back up his story?

 

How are you going to handle having no trust?

 

Do you see my dilema here? See how complicated this gets?

 

I know that you care for him and maybe when you are with him it is easier on your heart and mind just to pretend this never happened. But it did happen. He's cheated on two girls, and one was you.

 

I'm not trying to get you down. I've been cheated on myself. It hurts tremendously. I took the guy back 9 months later. We dated for years, and I never trusted him, and it was awful and it turned me into this jealous, controlling monster.

 

And that's not me!!

 

I don't want to see it happen to you and I totally see that happening.

 

What has he done to prove to you that things have changed? Words are only words, and last week he was cheating on his gf.

 

What do YOU think?

[alona125]

Dlils:

I agree with Hope. This may never work out. I am sorry to say, and trust me, I am one to stick out to the absolute very end, but I have been in this situation before as well.

My boyfriend, who I am still sadly with, was with another woman while I was with him. He was telling us both that he loved us, and I knew it because I saw emails to her, and notes from her to him around his place. It hurt like hell. Its a long story, but he finally broke it off with her, but the trust is GONE. I know they still email, but he says they are just friends. Every time, STILL, that he doesn't answer his phone, or tells me he is busy, I get suspicious. I may have no reason to, but I do.

I truly believe that my boyfriend does not see her anymore, but I have been proven otherwise in the past through a little investigating.

I normally am not a paranoid person, and I trust more than I don't, but once a man has done this to you, trust me, it is extremely hard to put all the pieces back together.

I am not trying to discourage you, but doing anything extreme together right now may not be smart. You are hurt, and he has just broken it off with someone he did have feelings for. This feeling hurts SO MUCH, and I, to the day, feel that what my boyfriend did has cause our relationship to go downhill.

Please think about this, and if you really want to get back with him, let him prove to you he loves you and will never do this again.

[starion]

First very sad to hear that you are hurting.

I guess many on this board do, including me

I sent you a private message if you want to talk and I can give you more info privately, but here is what I have to say.

 

People here have said very good things but you still went with your heart. Despite all that happened you are still very tempted to try again.

So I won't repeat what others have said.

 

I do have a few questions though.

Did he cheat out of the blue? There are must have been reasons.

You said that you broke up before, but i see no mention of the hurt then.

How old is he?

Did he just tell one day, good bye I have found someone else?

 

Now, you asked about if someone has been in either shoes, well maybe I have been and still am.

 

I am in "your" guys shoes, not totally but somewhat similar.

I have been with a girl for about 5 years and ever since I met her I knew she was the one for me. There was a tonn of details that I started to write but then decided against it. Basically I left, started dating someone else and then started to think back after some time. It made me really confused, I am still confused. I am not in a relationship at the moment. The reconciliation possibility is there, it is basically up to me, but i am confused and don't want to just do things. Do i feel bad for both people, very much so, do i feel bad for my newer relationship? a lot. Do i just want to make a choice? yes i do. I have been out of the relationship for a new relationship for a few months now, yet i don't think the time is right for me, even though I am hurting very much. I do spent time with my ex of 5 years from time to time. I know we can reconcile and although I want it, i don't know if i am emotionally ready or stable.

 

Again, I can give you more details in private, many more.

 

What do i want to say to you:

1. He definitely needs time right now, he is confused

2. You can't trust him. Ok, by sitting and thinking you won't regain trust. You either have to forget him and move on, which will eliminate the need for trust. Or you need to give it a go and see if you can trust him again(I am not saying you should get back with him, but as far as trust goes...)

3. I suggest maybe spending some time together if it is not too hurtful, like friends and stuff

4. He is not ready for a relationship with you, her or anybody else.

[iamonlyhuman]

Has anyone else been in the perdictament? Either me, him, or the other girl. What happened?

 

Dlils21, I am going through a similar situation, check my previous posts...

 

Right now me and my ex are talking but more like friends, I think he is testing the waters to see if I still have feelings for him which I am not making obvious at all.

I still think he is alittle confused, the other girl is out of the picture now, has been apparently nearly a month, and even when he was with her he would tell me how its not serious and she is into him more than he is into her....dont know if I believe hat but anyway....Yea I think if you are gonna consider getting back together, you need to really keep your distance, not give away too much about your life and how you feel, observe his actions and the conversations that you have from now on.

I have been doing this, purely becasue I still dont fully trusty him and I feel having small chats now and again..helps me slowly rebuild the trust maybe...BIG MAYBE... I always question the fact that he might get back with this girl, very aware of it, so i am keeping my feelings well under wraps.

Right now we are more like friends, it might even stay that way... my previous posts prove that it might not be just friendship he wants though...really confusing...

 

Dlils,

 

I don't see how this is going to work. He just broke up with her yesterday. He isn't giving himself time to think or regroup or do anything except a kneejerk reaction to his feelings, which are confusion, feelings for her, and some for you.

 

Hope75, I also totally agree, he hasnt given himself time to think about what he really wants, my ex has had more nearly 4 weeks to think, I personally think he still needs more time, ok he did express alot of regret and feelings, also apologized!(check my previous posts about the bracelet and letter)..but I know him too well and I think right now he just wants to change how himiself as a person but at the same time doesnt want to lose me ie. the bracelet...anyway very valid point there Hope!!

 

I do spent time with my ex of 5 years from time to time. I know we can reconcile and although I want it, i don't know if i am emotionally ready or stable.

 

Starion, I think this is how my boyfriend is thinking and maybe Dlils21s??

[dlils21]

I'm back. Okay...so far things are going pretty good. On sunday i went out with him and we had a very deep conversation about what has been happening between us, and what we want to come out of this.

 

He seemed genuine..and i believe him when he tells me that he wants to work really hard to make it work this time. So far he's been honest with me...he tells me when she calls. Like when i'm with him and she calls..he doesn't try to hide it. She texed him..and he showed me the text. Appearently she's really down...and wants him back. Yeah...just great. But he assures me that he's not going to do anything to distroy what's been happening with us.

 

Indeed things happened WAY too quickly. But it just happened that way...i don't even know how. I guess when he left her, it just exploded to what it is right now. I feel REALLY REALLY Happy....which is a good thing, but in the back of my mind there is the fear. So i guess it's bitter sweet. Maybe all I want is to be loved, and thus this is why i want to continue this.

[Hope75]

I wish you the best and the only advice I have left to give you is to try and take it slow and make him earn your trust, it isn't going to happen overnight and with a record like he has it will be difficult even with time.

 

I hope for both of your sakes that he doesn't turn around and do this to you again with her.

 

Good luck.

[iamonlyhuman]

Dlils21, dam I wish you wouldn't go into this so fast, my ex grovelled like yours and maybe moreso, but It takes time feelings dont change over night...

Your letting him know that you are comfortable and easy when it comes to letting him back into your life after all that he has done...and I really dread the future, the guys hasnt even had time to think, yes he said those things, mine did....doesnt mean that the next day or a few days later he wont think about the other girl its happens and probably will...

You should at least give him a chance to get over her...which he probably hasnt 100%..

 

You've just made him too comfortable again...guard your heart girlfriend and G.Luck!

[dlils21]

Thanks for all the support you guys.

 

Like I've said before I know he's not over her. I mean we've spoken about it. It hurts me, but not so much that it hurts my heart. It bothers me. But we are just trying to see if we can work things out. I guess it's serious that were trying to get back together.

 

Next tuesday were going to our very first session in couples counseling. I hope she can help us out, and even if things don't go well between us, I can know that things between us cannot be "fixed".

 

I'm trying to guard my heart. I love him dearly, and I know if we don't get together it will hurt me. Not soo much because i lost him, but because i lost him to ANOTHER GIRL. I'm not sure what to think about that...is that wrong? Anyhow I'm at the point were I'm telling myself...that if he doesn't want to be with me, then he should go and be happy with her. I care about him...and i guess his happiness is more to me, than to have him be with me...and be wanting her. Of course there's the chance he'll want to play us both. And if that happens...well then it will be done FOREVER.

[Hope75]

Not soo much because i lost him, but because i lost him to ANOTHER GIRL. I'm not sure what to think about that...is that wrong?

 

It is certainly not a valid reason to take him back after what he did to you.

 

I think it is good that you are going to go to couple's counselling, but I still question why you are moving so fact...

 

You posted on another thread today about having sex on Thurs, I assume that was with him?

 

You are really rushing this and not giving him a chance to sort through his feelings, which is what happened when he cheated on you with her, and look what happened there.

 

As the above poster said, you need to protect your own heart. You first thoughts should be able your own safety and well being, not his happiness.

[dlils21]

Okay this weekend has been REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD.

 

As most of you know i have been trying to work things out with my ex. Things are going ok with us, that is not so much the problem.

 

Thursday morning i woke up---and had sores all over my genital area. Needless to say i was pretty freaked, i figured it was herpes. But of course i tried to convince myself of anything else..a rash, razor burn, in-grown hairs...anything but the worst. I called and made and appointment. I went to the doc's on fri. She confirmed my worst fear...i have herpes. I felt awful, and cried...but i've been doing "okay". It SOOO SUCKS. It hurts, i walk all funny, I've tried to be in bed, but with my luck....i've started a new job and have been super busy.

 

I told my ex, and he said he didn't think he had it. I told him he could have it but not know, and needs to get some blood work done. He was pretty scared, but lately he doesn't really talk about it. Like he asks me if i'm doing okay..etc. Maybe he's just in denial. Don't know!!! He says he still loves me and that nothing has changed. I was scared about telling him, cause i thought he might not want to get back with me. Then again, more than likely he has it, or if he didn't then i gave it to him. Ahhh...just another thing to add onto the list of what to talk to about with the therapist tomorrow.

 

PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME....I've been surfing the web for info on this, but I'd really like to hear from actual people!!!!

[Hope75]

This is not good.... have you had unprotected sex with more people than just him? Do you know where you got it from?

 

Is your guy willing to get tested? You can bet that he has it now if you've had unprotected sex with him recently.

 

I don't know what to tell you Dlils, obviously you know I think you made a bad choice getting back with him, and if he had unprotected sex with his now ex and you, I just hope he didn't give it to you.

 

Herpes is permanant, you will have it for life now, and you could give it to your future children if you have a vaginal delivery while having an outbreak.

 

*sigh*

 

Not so good.