Love her but not "in love"

[KevinG19]

I have been with this woman for a little over 3 months, not very long I know. She has a great personality, successful career, great family life, and very attractive. I am 31, she is 30, so no age gap. 

Lately (the last couple weeks), I have had this looming feeling come over me that is telling me she is not the one. I can't understand why. I'm just not "into" her like I have been past girlfriends. I really try hard not to compare past relationships but looking back at my most recent ex, it was pretty early on that we just effortlessly clicked and we had a strong relationship from the start. This girl is great in so many ways- she is caring, patient, no jealousy issues, honestly all qualities that I look for in a partner. We see each other a good amount and do fun things regularly. 

I like to give myself 3 months to look at a relationship and see if it's worth carrying on. Why am I not completely happy even though she seems like such a good match for me? Right now I am at the age where I don't have time to waste, and I know what I want in a woman. Part of me thinks I'm searching for a feeling that my last relationship gave me and I'm just not there with this one. 

Any advice, words of wisdom please! 

[Kwothe28]

Are you by any chance "addicted to drama"? I ask because you mentioned "no jealousy issues" as one of the things you look so that probably means some of your exes were very jealous and created drama based on that. And that might cause problems because some people contemplate bad behaviors such as jealousy and drama as signs of love. As with your new girfriend you dont have those issues, its possible that is why you are not "feeling it".

On the other hand, 3 months is a good time to reflect on a relationship. As initial "butterflies" go away and you can see some stuff more clearly. If you are not "feeling it" there is a chance that you, no matter how much wonderful other person is, are just not feeling too much love toward her.  It happens.

[DarkCh0c0]

If you're not feeling it now, you're not going to feel it later. A spark is essential at the start of a relationship, and if it's not there, it's not there.

And, it seems she checks some of your boxes on paper, but there's the chemistry and dynamic irl that's not working.

You've given it 3 months, so best break up and find a more compatible partner.

[MissCanuck]

Too often, people try to convince themselves to stay with someone just because this person is a good match - in theory. 

But you can't manufacture a spark or feelings that just aren't there. No need to stress over the "why's." Trust your gut. It's already telling you that this isn't the one for you. When you're trying to talk yourself into giving it a chance and it's only been three months, you're trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. 

Do the kind thing and let her go. 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, KevinG19 said:

 Why am I not completely happy even though she seems like such a good match for me? 

You're giving it a good shot and enough time to evaluate how you feel.

In this case she simply doesn't have that je ne sais quoi quality for you. Chemistry, for lack of a better term 

That's ok. Good on paper doesn't always translate to relatability or chemistry. Let her go and don't force fit anything.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Too often, people try to convince themselves to stay with someone just because this person is a good match - in theory. 

But you can't manufacture a spark or feelings that just aren't there. No need to stress over the "why's." Trust your gut. It's already telling you that this isn't the one for you. When you're trying to talk yourself into giving it a chance and it's only been three months, you're trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. 

Do the kind thing and let her go. 

 

I agree with this.  Reminds me when I was this age and looking for forever I met a guy at a party a few weeks before NYE.  Everything I was looking for on paper and I found him attractive. Same age as me.  His story was he ended his engagement (couple of months earlier) when he found out through his sister who attended the bridal shower -that his intended lied about her age all this time. 

We had three dates -first one around a week or so before NYE.  The first date was over the top sparky - we didn't kiss I don't think but it was romantic.  Second date I'd baked cookies for the holidays, brought him a half dozen and said "I don't give a dozen right away -I'm not easy".  We had a good time.  Third date was actually day after New Years (we didn't know each other well enough to do NYE). 

That's where things were meh on his end -he called me and told me blah blah how amazing but I was too "normal" and he didn't understand why he wasn't more into me.   I let it go -walked away head high - no need to analyze.  I think this woman is too normal for you -too "right on paper" and you're trying to force a spark that isn't there.  Maybe it's you wanting the thrill of the chase, maybe it's her being too "yes dear" or "too nice/passive" but you don't have that edge going on, that click, that chemistry.

As CArrie said on Sex and the City - even if the za za zoom fades you need the memory of the za za zoom. 

My husband is 56, married when we were 42.  He has a Man Cold and had to work yesterday (no he didn't expose anyone but one person who met with him and was forewarned) and he came home a mess.  I felt awful for him. 

When your partner is a mess of gross bodily fluids and sighing and moaning and dragging and can't manage much more you need the memory of the za za za zoom (I mean I didn't -I am totally fine with the package deal of my great husband/marriage -I'm just sayin' if it's overwhelming at times or feels rut-like -you can revive the za za zoom if it was there in the first place -you can't if it never was). 

It's the glue that's part of the foundation.  It's not fluff, not silly, not "oh you grow to love each other, oh, the friendship is the most important part" (said my momma when she kinda wanted me to settle for Mr. Rights On Paper in my 30s with my loud ticking clock) - it's friendship caught on fire -it's not separate -it's not "oh this person is my best friend AND I'm in love with her" -it's a package deal, intertwined and not just about sex or looks or anything of the sort -it's part of it -we're visual creatures -but you gotta have za za zoom. 

Ms. Right on Paper cuts it for an arranged marriage (nothing wrong with that just a really narrow category) or for people who settle but you don't want that, do you? Let her go and za za with someone else -she has no time to lose either if she wants kids.  

[KevinG19]

Thank you everyone for the great replies. I think some good points were made about being "good on paper". Which yes, she is perfect on paper. But yes at the end of the day, there aren't any butterflies, over excitement, anything like that, which I have felt for previous women. 

I guess it just makes me second guess what I really want for a long term partner, because I thought all the qualities she possesses were it. 

[Andrina]

1 minute ago, KevinG19 said:

guess it just makes me second guess what I really want for a long term partner, because I thought all the qualities she possesses were it. 

I don't know why you'd be second-guessing. You can still want the qualities she possesses, but are not settling when the chemistry is lacking. Chemistry is biological and nothing one can choose. I have found certain men attractive and thought they had great personalities without wanting to date them.

Good luck in your search.

[Batya33]

Just now, KevinG19 said:

Thank you everyone for the great replies. I think some good points were made about being "good on paper". Which yes, she is perfect on paper. But yes at the end of the day, there aren't any butterflies, over excitement, anything like that, which I have felt for previous women. 

I guess it just makes me second guess what I really want for a long term partner, because I thought all the qualities she possesses were it. 

Of course many of us have our list of musts - I had mine. It wasn’t that long. But the list is irrelevant without chemistry.  I used to give it about 4 dates and if by then I didn’t enjoy kissing him or have the desire to kiss him I moved on. Unfortunately I also overstayed in a long on and off relationship.  I actually did believe at times I was in love. I actually did believe we had chemistry. But it was too fleeting. It was fleeting for two reasons. One was the way we interacted just didn’t work as far as real rapport and connection.  And second was I simply wasn’t physically attracted to him enough. And I hated that. I hated that part of it was about that. But that’s also reality.

Yes it matters. Yes people change physically - gain weight lose weight lose hair get wrinkles - but you have to have that enduring attraction.  Yes sometimes drastic physical changes can mean loss of attraction but if the couple has good chemistry and attraction overall often it doesn’t.
Or if it does it’s also because the person who gained a lot of weight did so because of mental health issues. Which also if course impacts the connection.

keep your list.  Check it twice - lol - but make sure chemistry and passion are on the list. 

[KevinG19]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

I don't know why you'd be second-guessing. You can still want the qualities she possesses, but are not settling when the chemistry is lacking. Chemistry is biological and nothing one can choose. I have found certain men attractive and thought they had great personalities without wanting to date them.

Good luck in your search.

True- I guess there is a huge difference when someone possesses those qualities and there is also better chemistry. Thank you.

[smackie9]

3 months is a long time to say "nope". If you don't feel it now, cut her loose and spare her feelings.