Why is it so hard to find someone these days?

[Leo781]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What is your housing situation?

If you were to date, could you afford to take a lady out to dinner or to a film or concert? Or would you need to do free or low cost activities?

Not all women expect to be taken out to a fancy dinner at a pricey restaurant. But some do, so it's good to weed those out ASAP. 

If the cost of a dating site is out of the question currently, I would urge you to find other ways to meet women such as volunteering, signing up for low cost fitness classes or joining a interest group such as hiking or some kind of sports activity (if you're into sports). 

I house share with other people. I could easily budget to take her out on a date. There are volunteering groups & societies within the University that I'm interested in attending (not to pick up women as age difference), as interested in some subjects.

However for people around my age it would probably be a group outside of University

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Leo781 said:

I house share with other people. I could easily budget to take her out on a date. There are volunteering groups & societies within the University that I'm interested in attending (not to pick up women as age difference), as interested in some subjects.

However for people around my age it would probably be a group outside of University

Also consider that a uni student might set you up with a parent, an older sibling, a relative (I did so when I was in college -set up other people -not with my married parents but with older people).  

I had asked you if you have any close friends who are women or have you in the past?

I never joined Eharmony as a member.  I did set up a profile for a few months and met one person but in an unusual way..  One thing I do recall -it was much easier to report people.  I reported two people.  One was the man who'd assaulted me in the past and was lying about his age.  The other was a guy who was dating two of my friends at the same time and claiming he was exclusive with one - I discovered this almost by accident.  I reported him since EH seemed to be fairly strict about accurate profiles.  I believe both were removed.  

[Leo781]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I had asked you if you have any close friends who are women or have you in the past?

Yes but they are either married or engaged. They have given me advice in regards to my dating profile, I've asked them if they knew anyone suited for me & was told that they were not suitable. Asking fellow students sounds a bit creepy doesn't it?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Leo781 said:

Yes but they are either married or engaged. They have given me advice in regards to my dating profile, I've asked them if they knew anyone suited for me & was told that they were not suitable. Asking fellow students sounds a bit creepy doesn't it?

So I meant it might come up naturally. I didn't mean you should date your women friends -I was hoping you did have platonic women friends because that's typically a good thing as far as being able to meet and develop rapport with women.  Sure, women are individuals but in my experience the men who had close platonic female friends interacted better with new women in general especially as far as treating women -as all individuals should be -with respect.  

[boltnrun]

When I was married I had several single friends who were my age or close. All of them were interested in meeting men. For reference I was married from very early 20s to early 30s when I divorced. I dated through the rest of my 30s into my late 40s. I am also a mother, BTW.

At your age you'll likely meet divorced women. Many of them will already have children. Are you open to dating divorcees with or without children?

[Leo781]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

At your age you'll likely meet divorced women. Many of them will already have children. Are you open to dating divorcees with or without children?

Ideally I would like to have children myself someday

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Leo781 said:

Ideally I would like to have children myself someday

Because I dated in a major city many women and men in their 30s and 40s were never married/no kids.  I started dating my husband right around my 39th birthday (he was 38).  Never married no children.  We married and became parents at 42.  Several of my friends married for the first time and had children in their 30s and 40s.  Two friends had twins in 2012.  Both in their 40s.  

[boltnrun]

22 minutes ago, Leo781 said:

Ideally I would like to have children myself someday

Understand, but that doesn't answer my question.

Are you willing to date divorcees with or without children if they are open to having more children? Or will you only date women who have never been married and/or women who have no children?

[Leo781]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Understand, but that doesn't answer my question.

Are you willing to date divorcees with or without children if they are open to having more children? Or will you only date women who have never been married and/or women who have no children?

Divorcees yes, but preferably not with children

[boltnrun]

My best friend got married when she was about 32. She didn't have any children. She met her husband when she was about 30. Her sister was about the same age or a bit older when she got married. Also no children. Both lovely, intelligent, neat ladies.

The women are out there, but you will likely have to go out and find them. You won't find them if you're at home sitting in front of a screen or looking at your phone!

[Leo781]

I will join more groups, but building confidence isn't going to be easy overnight

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, Leo781 said:

I house share with other people.

You're 44 and you house share? Can I know why?

This can be a huge red flag and turn off for women. Women are attracted to secure and independent men who are able to provide at least for themselves. Women need to see/project a future with you to feel like they can be in a relationship with you.  Living in a flat sharing will not work in your favour, and I mean to say this in the nicest way possible.

1 hour ago, Leo781 said:

Ideally I would like to have children myself someday

But how if you can barely afford rent for yourself? I assume this is when you're done with your studies?

No wonder you can't get dates. These factors are part of the problem. You're 44 and need to be independent for the least. If you don't have that, you don't have game and most women will just not go on dates with you.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You're 44 and you house share? Can I know why?

This can be a huge red flag and turn off for women. Women are attracted to secure and independent men who are able to provide at least for themselves. Women need to see/project a future with you to feel like they can be in a relationship with you.  Living in a flat sharing will not work in your favour, and I mean to say this in the nicest way possible.

But how if you can barely afford rent for yourself? I assume this is when you're done with your studies?

No wonder you can't get dates. These factors are part of the problem. You're 44 and need to be independent for the least. If you don't have that, you don't have game and most women will just not go on dates with you.

I don't want to be presumptuous but this could be why:

On 12/1/2022 at 12:17 PM, Leo781 said:

I am on the autism spectrum but very slightly (was only diagnosed a few years ago). 

I know people who are autistic and have careers and wives so it doesn't mean it can't happen.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't want to be presumptuous but this could be why:

On 12/1/2022 at 11:17 PM, Leo781 said:

I am on the autism spectrum but very slightly (was only diagnosed a few years ago). 

It makes sense. But if this is the reason, it still doesn't work in OP's favour.

[Leo781]

Well I am in University & trying to do something about it. The lockdown made me to re-evaluate my life. Once I am out I will look for a better career. Believe me I don't want to be housesharing forever. My flatmate (same boat as me) doesn't seem to have this problem getting matches on Tinder. Are you in the UK by any chance?

[Wiseman2]

On 12/1/2022 at 4:49 PM, Leo781 said:

 I'm thinking that I might need professional help.

This might be a good place to start. A therapist could help you with insight and social skills.

As you know free hookup apps like tinder are 75% male, so you'll just get lost in the crowd.

 

[Leo781]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This might be a good place to start. A therapist could help you with insight and social skills.

As you know free hookup apps like tinder are 75% male, so you'll just get lost in the crowd.

 

I think its the same with lots of other dating sites. Girls seem to get 100s of messages every day. I remember 'Girls date for Free' back in the 2000s not sure what happened to that. 

After my diagnosis I was entitled to free counseling from the NHS & they do courses in regards to social skills (free of charge). I've signed up but they seem to be taking their time. I could go private but that could be too costly for me 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Leo781 said:

. I remember 'Girls date for Free' back in the 2000s 

Hook-up apps will never work for you. If you are interested in meeting quality women you'll need quality apps.  However if you just want sex without a relationship, there are options.

[JohnLee]

On 12/1/2022 at 12:17 PM, Leo781 said:

Hi, I'm 44 years old, and I have had very little relationship experience. For me the longest I have been with someone was 8 months, I have never experienced a serious relationship before. Sometimes I feel like if I was destined to find someone then it would have been 15 or 20 years ago, and I'm terrified that I will never find love, which is something that I have wanted all my life. 

I've have profiles on Match & Tinder. I have sent a few messages on match but don't always get replies. I don't send the 'hi how are you' stuff. I will view the profile & try to message something that they are of interest or have in common. Sometimes I feel too scared to send a message for fear of rejection, as it dents my confidence. I have always felt awkward around the opposite sex & sometimes I think it shows. Whenever a girl appears to show interest in me, my hopes get raised drastically, which always gets in the way of things. I really wish I could improve my social skills.

How do I get around this? I would really love some advice on being confident with other people, sending messages. I am on the autism spectrum but very slightly (was only diagnosed a few years ago). The older I get the worse I feel, as don't want to live in regret. Finding love is something I think about almost all the time.

Have you been to Toastmasters? These are speech clubs that help people to talk in public and overall increase self confidence and social skills. I was a very very shy person. After 2 years of going to Toastmasters and practiced talking in public I was able to transferred from Engineering to Sales. Being in Sales is something unthinkable for me just a few years ago. Now I am confidently meeting customers and present our products and I am very successful. It is just a matter of practice. Previously I would feel like dying if I have to talk in public, now I can talk. This also helped me to improve my social skills.

I could also be mildly autistic. I have never been diagnosed but my youngest kid (out of 3) is autistic. After she was diagnosed, I took an online test and my score was borderline. I scored 28/50. Anything 30 or more is considered autistic. I have a lot of problems reading people or understand that what I am doing could make people upset. I figure you have similar issues.

[smackie9]

Practice makes perfect. Go out and just talk to the ladies at events, the bar etc to gain experience. Learn how a conversation can flow, how to break the ice, how to use body language, and how to read it.

[Leo781]

On 12/11/2022 at 9:11 PM, smackie9 said:

Practice makes perfect. Go out and just talk to the ladies at events, the bar etc to gain experience. Learn how a conversation can flow, how to break the ice, how to use body language, and how to read it.

Thats a good idea. The problem is whenever I see a girl I mentally freeze and have no clue what to say. I experienced this the other night going to a club.

Toastmasters sounds interesting & have signed up to Meetup groups. 

My problem is whenever I see couples together I feel jealous and regretful. Finding love is something I've wanted all my life. I might consider therapy - to help me focus on things other than relationships. Being single over Christmas & New Year isn't nice at all. Another possibility would be to speak to a dating coach. The problem is both options are expensive. Does anyone know any websites or You Tube Channels that may help me out (something that doesn't involve spending too much money, have to budget being a student)

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Leo781 said:

Thats a good idea. The problem is whenever I see a girl I mentally freeze and have no clue what to say. I experienced this the other night going to a club.

Toastmasters sounds interesting & have signed up to Meetup groups. 

My problem is whenever I see couples together I feel jealous and regretful. Finding love is something I've wanted all my life. I might consider therapy - to help me focus on things other than relationships. Being single over Christmas & New Year isn't nice at all. Another possibility would be to speak to a dating coach. The problem is both options are expensive. Does anyone know any websites or You Tube Channels that may help me out (something that doesn't involve spending too much money, have to budget being a student)

Is it about finding Love or finding a person who you desire to give to, who you like hanging out with, who you feel passionate about? Finding "love" is quite abstract.  I wanted to find a husband -and of course it was crucial we love each other and desire each other -but I wanted to be with an individual I connected with, had stuff in common with, who I wanted to give to - both of my time, my caring and yes even gifts etc. 

Why not ask a woman you are interested in how her day is going or comment on an accessory she has or comment on the shared activity or event at which you've met her.  A club is a tough environment unless you comment on the entertainment if it's a live concert or someone is playing live music.  

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Leo781 said:

My problem is whenever I see couples together I feel jealous and regretful.

You will never get anywhere with thoughts like that. Nore with being desperate for a relationship. Both of those things will negatively impact your chances for a relationship. 

Instead try to replace it with something more positive. For example whenever you see a couple say "I hope I will meet somebody like that". And try to focus more on meeting the right person for yourself, and not just any person just so you could have somebody for holidays.

6 hours ago, Leo781 said:

The problem is whenever I see a girl I mentally freeze and have no clue what to say. I experienced this the other night going to a club.

This is also an issue. Try not to imagine those women as "potential ones". Just try to imagine the as people and talk to them. About anything, no matter how dumb it might be.

[boltnrun]

Seeing other couples should give you hope, not fill you with jealousy or regret. If they found someone so can you. Especially when they are not model gorgeous. Regular people find love too!

14 hours ago, Leo781 said:

The problem is whenever I see a girl I mentally freeze and have no clue what to say. I experienced this the other night going to a club.

That's why clubs are a bad idea for meeting women. What are you going to talk about while shouting over the thumping loud music? Try interest or activity groups, volunteer groups or events like food festivals, art fairs or wine tasting. You'll automatically have topics of conversation. I had many men approach my friend and I while wine tasting. They'd ask "What are you tasting? Do you like it?" And we'd have a conversation. 

If you keep trying the same old things you'll likely get nowhere. Change it up!

[Coily]

15 hours ago, Leo781 said:

My problem is whenever I see couples together I feel jealous and regretful. Finding love is something I've wanted all my life. I might consider therapy - to help me focus on things other than relationships. Being single over Christmas & New Year isn't nice at all.

I get it. Sometimes you see people having that idealized life, and wonder "why not me?" It is very very easy to fall into that trap during the holidays when family and togetherness hits you over the head harder than an anvil dropped form a 100 story building. It's rough, especially when you aren't single by choice.

In those moments you have to take accounting of what you do have in life, and where you can go from there. Sometimes when you have those moments of self pity you need to find a distraction.