feeling grief and loss after an abusive relationship.

[eastcoastgal]

I recently broke up with someone that I was not happy with. He was very arrogant and had been verbally abusive on several occasions. Now that I ended it the relationship it feels like I'm missing him and I feel incredible grief and loss. I don't know why this is happening, is it because i find myself alone and it's nearing the holiday season? Is it because I don't want to start over again. I would almost rather put up with his crap than be alone again...

What's wrong with me?/

[moodindigo91]

11 minutes ago, eastcoastgal said:

is it because i find myself alone and it's nearing the holiday season? Is it because I don't want to start over again.

It's probably both of these things plus a plethora of other things. The end of a relationship, even a bad one, is a huge adjustment. What you're feeling is completely normal. Just make sure you stay strong and don't go back to him! Loneliness is not necessarily a bad thing. Think of all the freedom you have now 🙂 Try reframing things as much as possible until you're starting to feel more adjusted. You got this ❤️ 

[Cherylyn]

There's nothing wrong with you. 

Even though my story isn't the same,  I too have mourned the loss of relationships such as with my relatives.  Feelings of loss,  anger,  disappointment,  bitterness and resentment are very similar.  I have good memories of them during the best of times stemming all the way back from childhood.  We spent a lot of time together and enjoyed great times together. 

While that's all well and good,  unfortunately,  people change due to whom they meet,  marry,  some people's lives become very hard and they become harsh and cruel.  You don't know who they are anymore because they develop a Jekkyl 'n Hyde personality.  Innocence had been lost and impossible to recapture the same person they were.  As for me,  my patience wore thin and bad behavior is impossible to accept,  tolerate and ignore.

The problem is,  bad memories outweigh the good.  Nostalgic thoughts are fleeting and then it's time to grudgingly accept reality of ugly situations which went awry. 

Never say never.  Perhaps you should give yourself a break during the holiday season and start the new year anew with a clean,  fresh slate.

Give your heart a lot of time and space until bad memories eventually become a mere blur.  Time heals old wounds.  Hang in there.  Take good care of yourself. 

[Kwothe28]

Well, trauma bonding is a thing. Meaning that you created a bond there. Even when you would maybe have somebody new, sadly, you would probably still missed your abuser. 

If that is the case, I would suggest seeking professional help. Its not healthy to miss somebody abusive and you know it. And if you want to move on with somebody new, it would be wise for you to get in a healthy emotional state first. Meaning getting over your ex and not missing his bad treatment of you and realizing how bad it was. 

[eastcoastgal]

I find it very hard to overlook bad behaviour. When it became a pattern I ended it immediately. Jekyll and Hyde is a good comparison, that's exactly what it was.I know trauma bonding is a thing and I never saw myself as that type but here I am. 😞

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

Now that I ended it the relationship it feels like I'm missing him and I feel incredible grief and loss. I don't know why this is happening, is it because i find myself alone and it's nearing the holiday season? Is it because I don't want to start over again. I would almost rather put up with his crap than be alone again...

This is just temporary.  Believe me, in time, once you adjust to being on your own again, you will realize WHY you ended things with this.... abuser.

It's normal to miss someone when you leave, as it's something you had gotten used to.  Having them in your life.  But, in no way is one deserving to such treatment as he did onto you... right?  You walked away for perfectly good reason! Give yourself some credit 😉 .

You just need to learn to be okay again, on your own.  Work through your emotions and move on with your life. Give it time.

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, eastcoastgal said:

 Is it because I don't want to start over again. I would almost rather put up with his crap than be alone again..

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? How old is he?

If you felt unhappy you did the right thing ending it.

The holidays are bittersweet times for a lot of people.  Think of New Years as a new beginning .

Reflect on what you want in a relationship.