Boyfriend taking me granted...

[sweetpea4670]

My boyfriend of over two years has (in the past couple of months) started to take me for granted (though he doesn't think so and won't admit so). He is rude and disrespectuful and it hurts me so much. I just got off of the phone with him and we were discussing what he wants for graduation.

 

Aftr lots of thinking, I was set to clean out my humble bank account and spring for an ipod. I called him to make sure he wanted one. He said that he didn't really want one that badly because he felt he wouldnt use it much, so I asked him what he did want and was trying to think of ideas of what to get him. I asked him if he was sure he wouldn't use an ipod much and he, in a really nasty tone, said, "No, god, shut up and let me think - I already told you I need time to think." I tried not to get too upset at the fact that here I was about to clean out my account for someone who talked to me like that and I was trying to talk to him about it when he said "you're such a pain in the ass; why do you make everything so dramatic...etc..."

 

After awhile I practically forced him to apologize for what he said to me, but his apologies are always very forced and insincere and he continues to use a nasty tone with me and when I bring that up, he goes back to saying what he did before he apologized (which just goes to show how insincere it was). This kind of thing happens so often- these kinds of conversations.

 

I feel so taken for granted, so unappreciated, etc. and when I tell him this, he rolls his eyes and tells me that he tries and that I jsut don't see it and that it's my problem and that my expectations are too high. When I cry, it doesn't affect him. Another issue is that I always want to be intimate with him more often than he does me. I make him sound really bad, but when things are good, they're great. He's funny, sweet, and affectionate, but things are bad more often than they are good recently.

 

I'm always willing to be intimate when he is, I've never said no to him, but whenever I come on to him, he pushes me away - we're probably only intimate about once a week now, if that, when it used to be almsot every other day. I'm so hurt and I feel like I have no power in teh relationship. I'm the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeve. I would do anything for him and the problem is that he knows it. I don't know what to do, other than to break up with him, to get power back in this relationship - how do make him not take me for granted without breaking up with him?

[seroyla]

Sounds like my ex actually...

 

I was loyal for 3 years before I finally realized I was sacrificing too much of my self-esteem, self-confidence, patience, and self-respect to be with him. I would suggest getting out before he gets worse because there is no way you are going to change him-- change comes from within and he has to want to change. If he doesn't see he is hurting you then he will never see no matter how far wide you try to tape his eyelids open.

 

Just my two cents....

[Shidoshi]

how do make him not take me for granted without breaking up with him?

I'm pretty sure you can't. He treats you this way because you ALLOW him to. It isn't going to change unless you make a strong stand, and stick to your guns. You tell him straight up that you won't put up with it anymore and if he continues you simply break away. Of course none of this is going to be easy, but you have to realize that you aren't just going to change his mind by talking about it, you already KNOW that's not going to work.

 

Each time you endure this kind of behavior from him you will become more and more insecure about yourself. Don't let yourself turn into one of those girls who needs this kind of drama in her life, because it CAN happen if you put up with it long enough...

[misery12]

He;s an idiot, he says you're being too dramatic?

He is the one freaking out. You did nothing wrong.

He just seems that he doesn't know what he has with you. Maybe you should tell him you want a break or something, don't say it's over, just tell him you need space, but do it right after he blows up in your face, so he realizes what he is doing to deserve this.

 

If he comes back, he's yours.. if not.. you know.

[DN]

If the relationship is making you more unhappy than happy and he won't change then it's probably time to walk away.

[Your1Desire]

In a way I can understand where he might be coming from if what I'm assuming is correct.

 

Relating this back to an experience of my own, my ex girlfriend worshipped me. She would have done anything and everything for me and it can get frustrating when in a way you're made responsible for someone else's happiness. I ended up leaving her.

 

I think if this is the case from his perspective, maybe you need to start doing things on your own and with other people. Get some hobbies and get a life of your own such that rather than him being your life, he is simply a part of your life and a part which you would still live happily without.

 

See less of him and eventually he'll start missing you. Having what you want whenever you want (what he has with you) can get boring and become a meaningless experience. You have to take some power back. See him less by being busier yourself. Don't always ask for his approval for everything (iPod) and be more independent.

 

If the relationship is getting to this stage then there may be cause to start worrying about him leaving. But DO NOT bring this up with him ever. Just start living your own life for a change.

[Shidoshi]

Relating this back to an experience of my own, my ex girlfriend worshipped me. She would have done anything and everything for me and it can get frustrating when in a way you're made responsible for someone else's happiness. I ended up leaving her.

Yes, but did you "insult" and "disrespect" her in the process? That's the issue she's dealing with, atleast from my understanding.

[smiles21]

Bingo, i agree with yourdesire completely.

 

Maybe you need to take a break from him. Start doing some stuff with friends and have SEPEREATE LIVES. Or its not gonna work out. From experience i took my ex for granted, never realized what i had, and miss her dearly.. she broke it off.

[unhappyinlove1]

I think your1desire is pretty close to hitting the nail on the head - although "worship" is a pretty strong word.

 

Worry less about him and more about yourself. He's probably stressed at the thought of graduation - and (I assume) getting a job and moving away from you. He might be thinking of moving on in more than one way after graduation (regardless if a move is coming)- you need to put a stop to him taking you for granted by focusing on your life and friends and doing things without him.

 

Also, stop making yourself available for sex too since he's just denying you (I imagine you're just trying to get his attention and intimacy anyway). Get busy - he'll come around and if he doesn't then he already had one foot out of the door. Also, don't talk on the phone forever - make sure you end the conversation. These tips worked for me amazingly before and it was a quick change!!!

[d_pamar]

This is the exact same thing happeing with me. And I ve lost my love for him, becz he too doesnt seem to respect or love me..I am about to leave him..I wud advice u th same..I kno thats difficukt since i m goin thru it too, but u cant take this dear..u ve to break thru..Live ur life, m sure u will find a better person.

[Shidoshi]

I don't know.......it's one thing to worship someone and drive them away, but that doesn't mean you should put up with being "disrespected," that to me is a totally different issue.

[kutekat100]

Your1Desire is completelly right. i am going through a similar thing with my boyfriend. he assumes I will always be arund when he wants and I always am. Whereas he isn't! It sucks but his advice is right. however, you have a different problem with your boyfriend, which has been recognised by other members. yourboyfriend isn't taking you for granted, basically he is just treating you like rubbish. You don't talk to someoen like that if you love them/are ina relationship with them. is he 16 as well? I think maybe he is just too immature for a seruious relationship.

 

I would keep your distance for a while. say you don't like being talked ot like that and need some time alone. This will give him time to think too. If he's sorry give it anothr go. if not, I would seriously look elsewhere.

[megno07]

I am currently going through a similar problem......I love and adore my boyfriend but ever since we moved in together we spend 24/7 together and even work at the same place......he thinks im to needy and has distanced himself from me because he thinks we spend to much time together.....and has also become very mean to me and has mocked me and made fun of the fact that I was crying over our relationship.....he is my first love and the first person I have ever been intimate with I completely lached myself to him and now currently don't have any other friends to hang out with which thereforeeee makes him the center of my life. He hates this and it is hard for me to deal with I think we are currently on the verge of a break up if things don't change.....it is so hard for me to ignore him and make a life of my own but you have to and im starting to see this.....im just afraid that if I let him go he won't come back to me.....seriously think about things and re evaluate the relationship......