feeling a loss

[90_hour_sleep]

mmm...came in search of an old journal...but it's been archived.  life has evolved and transformed...and has found other outlets of expression.  c'est la vie...

lost a family member/friend this past week.  he was a cat...and so young (just 4...but had an undiagnosed heart condition...and released a clot.  was very sudden.  there was nothing anyone could've done).  and such a vital part of life.  so good.  his passing has opened such a tender well inside of me.  really, it's always been there...but i'm feeling as though his little legacy is to remind me of that place.  there's transformation in this process.  i'm reminded of other periods of grief.  how this is similar.  how it's different.  there's a sense of wonder at this grief...a grief trying to make sense of loss...and love.  i shouldn't be surprised that such a small creature offered this gift.  there's beauty in that.

i'm sitting here...listening to Liszt's Consolation no.3.  It's a new piece for me.  Somehow it's capturing -- stirring --  the soft belly of emotion in me.  it's okay.

Hafiz gave us another contemplation today.  It's poignant in light of the events.  Grief has transformed the words for me.

From: A Year With Hafiz -- Daily Contemplations a collection of Daniel Ladinsky's interpretations:

The Quintessence of Loneliness

"I am like a heroin addict in my longing for a sublime state, for that ground of Conscious Nothing where the Rose ever blooms.

O, the Friend has done me a great favor and so thoroughly ruined my life; what else would you expect seeing God would do!

Out of the ashes of this broken frame there is a noble rising son pining for death, because since we first met, Beloved,

I have become a foreigner to every world except that one in which there is only You--or Me.

Now that the heart has held that which can never be touched, my subsistence is a blessed desolation and from that I cry for more loneliness.

I am lonely.  I am so lonely, dear Beloved, for the quintessence of loneliness.  For what is more alone than God?

Hafiz, what is more pure and alone, what is as magnificently sovereign as God?"

You're not gone my little friend.  Not truly.  You've left your earthly body...but your legacy lives on.

 

[Seraphim]

I am sorry for your loss. Losing our furry family is so painful. 

[90_hour_sleep]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I am sorry for your loss. Losing our furry family is so painful. 

truth.  there are those that can't/don't understand these bonds.  

i can tell that you get it though.  

thanks for your words 🙂

[moodindigo91]

8 minutes ago, 90_hour_sleep said:

i shouldn't be surprised that such a small creature offered this gift.  there's beauty in that.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is such an interesting and inescapable part of the human experience. I think that there is beauty in the process of grief. They say, you never know true joy without knowing pain. You never understand or appreciate the true fragileness of life until you've experienced the grief of loss. 

Keep finding solace in songs and poetry. You and your cat were lucky to have one another. It was indeed a gift. 

[90_hour_sleep]

1 minute ago, moodindigo91 said:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is such an interesting and inescapable part of the human experience. I think that there is beauty in the process of grief. They say, you never know true joy without knowing pain. You never understand or appreciate the true fragileness of life until you've experienced the grief of loss. 

Keep finding solace in songs and poetry. You and your cat were lucky to have one another. It was indeed a gift. 

lots of wisdom in your words.  as i've grown in life, i've come to appreciate some of these truths.  i'm less afraid of the tender places now...even noticed an aversion towards the chronic distraction that seems to plague us these days.  our little guy was a conduit of presence...and it feels as though the process has opened a similar conduit within me (and my partner, who is sharing in this grief).

the suddenness is a profound reminder of the fragility of life.  how we come to take our time for granted is a wonder.  in this respect...grief is a gift.  i really do resonate with that at the moment.  hoping it's something i can continue to carry with me.  opportunities abound.

thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.  very much appreciated.

[Seraphim]

10 minutes ago, 90_hour_sleep said:

truth.  there are those that can't/don't understand these bonds.  

i can tell that you get it though.  

thanks for your words 🙂

I do so much understand the deep bond of family with our pets. I have lost many over my life and grieve them all. 

[catfeeder]

I'm so sorry for your loss, 90.

It's shocking how hard it can be to lose such a devoted little luv, isn't it?

No doubt you and your partner gave him the best possible home on this earth that he could have ever enjoyed. I'm sure you will feel his spirit with you for the rest of your lives.

[greendots]

So sorry for the loss of your beloved cat. You both were blessed to have him in your lives.

Franz Liszt "Consolation no.3" is a very touching and emotional piece. (First time listening to it as well.)

May your cats legacy live on. xx

[90_hour_sleep]

1 hour ago, greendots said:

So sorry for the loss of your beloved cat. You both were blessed to have him in your lives.

Franz Liszt "Consolation no.3" is a very touching and emotional piece. (First time listening to it as well.)

May your cats legacy live on. xx

thanks for your thoughts, green.  we're adjusting to life with this little guy.  amazing how entwined he became with the tapestry of our lives.  so many threads...

consolation no. 3...i heard someone say it's a consolation to those who can't play anything else by liszt (you may be aware of his technical virtuosity).  i had a laugh at that.  also inspired me to try and learn.  the piano has become an outlet for some of my inner workings. 
 

endings provide little openings for growth.  🙂

[90_hour_sleep]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry for your loss, 90.

It's shocking how hard it can be to lose such a devoted little luv, isn't it?

No doubt you and your partner gave him the best possible home on this earth that he could have ever enjoyed. I'm sure you will feel his spirit with you for the rest of your lives.

i think we're moving through some of the feelings of guilt which seem to be a natural part of grief (i think i'm more shocked at those feelings than i am about how deep my well of care was for this little guy).  seems like it's the mind's way of rejecting the loss.  trying to reconcile what happened by conjuring all manner of ways it could've somehow been different.  should-haves, could-haves, what-ifs, if-onlys, etc etc etc.   and with that, there's a reaffirmation of what we offered here.  i read somewhere about the five basic freedoms we can hope to share with animals (SPCA list).  the fifth one was the freedom to express behaviours that promote well-being. when all of the other needs have been met...one is free to be safely authentic.  there's some confidence that he had that 🙂

 

i'm grateful really.  grief seems to be a mirror into the depths.  there's some evidence of personal growth.  it's a nice legacy.

thanks for sharing your words.  nice to hear from a familiar presence (it's been a long time).
hoping you're well.

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, 90_hour_sleep said:

i think we're moving through some of the feelings of guilt which seem to be a natural part of grief (i think i'm more shocked at those feelings than i am about how deep my well of care was for this little guy).  seems like it's the mind's way of rejecting the loss.  trying to reconcile what happened by conjuring all manner of ways it could've somehow been different.  should-haves, could-haves, what-ifs, if-onlys, etc etc etc.   and with that, there's a reaffirmation of what we offered here.  i read somewhere about the five basic freedoms we can hope to share with animals (SPCA list).  the fifth one was the freedom to express behaviours that promote well-being. when all of the other needs have been met...one is free to be safely authentic.  there's some confidence that he had that 🙂

 

i'm grateful really.  grief seems to be a mirror into the depths.  there's some evidence of personal growth.  it's a nice legacy.

thanks for sharing your words.  nice to hear from a familiar presence (it's been a long time).
hoping you're well.

Thank you, 90. While I wish it was under better circumstance, it's good to hear from you, too.

I like to think that when a beloved pet passes, it's because they had chosen a mission with us, and it was accomplished. They are able to remain with us in spirit to the degree that their 'oversoul' allows as it assigns other portions of their spirit to other experiences.

I don't have dogmatic beliefs, but I like to loosely subscribe to multidimensional aspects of spirit that allow for many lessons in many lives. So we are never truly separated from the presence of loved ones.

The difficult grief over losses of other humans is a given, but empathy for the losses of other creatures requires a unique degree of experience that starts with viewing those creatures through a shared lens. 

Verbal language isn't the only form of communication between souls, and the degree of emotional intelligence required to appreciate animals and other forms of consciousness doesn't need to be shared by all humans to be valid.

Thanks you for thinking of us and sharing your heartfelt experience with us.

(((Big HUG))) to you,
Cat

[90_hour_sleep]

22 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Verbal language isn't the only form of communication between souls, and the degree of emotional intelligence required to appreciate animals and other forms of consciousness doesn't need to be shared by all humans to be valid.

mmm...although not exactly what you're referring to here (i believe), I'm reminded of these words:

"The fact that millions of people share the same vices does not make these vices virtues, the fact that they share so many errors does not make the errors to be truths, and the fact that millions of people share the same form of mental pathology does not make these people sane."  --Erich Fromm

the other side of the coin almost.  i feel a bit sad thinking about how cruel we can be to people who are sensitive to the world in ways we don't necessarily understand.  upon reflection, i'm aware at how my own sensitivity was often (and still is) pushed aside to survive in this world...like it often just doesn't allow for these depths of feeling.  there's the status quo of ''acceptable'' emotion...those things which we've collectively agreed upon as being the ''true gems of expression''...but how often those very expressions become vehicles to carry us further from our own wells.  
 

and then...there's a tremendous amount of gratitude for the relationships in life that bring us back...that allow...that are sensitive to parts of our nature that aren't often allowed to be fully present.  i've a few of those now.

 

23 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I like to think that when a beloved pet passes, it's because they had chosen a mission with us, and it was accomplished. They are able to remain with us in spirit to the degree that their 'oversoul' allows as it assigns other portions of their spirit to other experiences

i wonder if all life can viewed through this lens.  our missions...spirit missions.  

i confess...i've been especially drawn to these kinds of thoughts in the more recent years (and especially this past week).  my partner and i have had some good conversations about it...sitting with sadness where it lives in our bodies...maybe a cup of tea.
 

reminded also of Thich Nhat Hanh...and his answer to a little girl asking how to deal with the sadness of losing her dog.  he talks of the clouds...and the rain...and the water in his tea.  this cycle of change...a metaphor for change...maybe death as well.  the little girl's face is fascinating.  little smiles of understanding...a little shift in her perspective allowing for some new thoughts.  his words were so gentle...not in denial of the loss...but viewing it more as a transformation.  

 

23 hours ago, catfeeder said:

The difficult grief over losses of other humans is a given, but empathy for the losses of other creatures requires a unique degree of experience that starts with viewing those creatures through a shared lens. 

yes...

 

i felt teary reading your words.  not sure exactly why.  sat (sitting) with it.  sometimes i think the ''bad'' things come along when we've become a bit ''sleepy''.  ''wake up,'' they seem to be saying.  it's time to move again.  i feel tender.  suppose that's why i was reminded of this place.

 

thank you

[Batya33]

I’m very sorry for your loss!