Married 15 years

[Tatmome2307]

So I've been married to my husband for 15 years and threw out those years I have found him texting one girl to meet literally the day of my baby shower. But said it was nothing forgave him. Then he went on a business thing to Miami 6 years ago and found him making a ***book page. Again said it was nothing again I slid it off my back. Now I think something is up again and I don't know what to do but I want to say something but don't want to seem I'm making a big deal. So I find him multiple times on his phone with an erection but he literally tries to tuck it so I won't see but I'm not stupid. I mean I should have every right to be mad, no? He never goes out anywhere and he works not long hours so I don't know how he would be unless it's all online but either way it's messed up. What should I do? We have three girls and he's honestly my only family. I'm lost.

 

 

[Lambert]

Have you tried talking to him?

[Tatmome2307]

I have unfortunately he doesn't like talking he just thinks I'm attacking him when I try to talk which makes he think he's hiding even more. I calmly confronted him the other times and he just blows up. He not violent just yells and says he can just leave. Haven't tried this time but I know from experience. That's why I don't know what to do.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Tatmome2307 said:

Then he went on a business thing to Miami 6 years ago and found him making a ***book page.  We have three girls and he's honestly my only family. I'm lost.

Sorry this is happening. He is not going to admit to cheating. So will deflect that with an indignant tirade.

The best thing to do is get to a physician for STD testing. Be frank about your husbands philandering. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support. You need someone to talk to who will be honest with you and guide you.

What is ***book? Do you mean social media or a list/pages of women/escorts?

What you have come across and are aware is usually the tip of the iceberg. Do you work? Do you have friends you can trust? 

[moodindigo91]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is ***book? Do you mean social media or a list/pages of women/escorts?

Curious about this as well. 

Why is he your only family? 

The fact that when you confront him about these things, he feels attacked, is a red flag in my opinion. I would try to consult with some close friends of yours and get their opinions, and see if they can offer you help in any way. You definitely need to have a conversation about your feelings and his behavior. You should try using "I" "me" when conversing with him, and not "you" "your", that way it is less like you're pointing a finger at him for doing something wrong and more just you sharing how you feel. That might help his feelings of being attacked (but it might not). 

If this doesn't stop happening, you should really consider leaving this relationship. 

[Coily]

I think the F**book thing is a hook up site if jokes around the campfire are correct.

OP, there are quite a few less than positive signs here. Him panicking and lashing out verbally do not pains good picture. Now how this is approached is always key, and you say you don’t get confrontational; my question is how long between incidents before you bring this up?

How has your sex life been? Has anything changed around the times that he has been caught? 
 

After 15 years and 3 kids, it’a hard to just say leave; as there may be more to unpack than him being horny and defensive.Don’t rush to leave, but don’t diminish your escape route.

[Tatmome2307]

Honestly the crazies thing is pur sex life is great we have sex at least once a day usually and I've been tested multiple times including recently but never had caught anything. But I'm not sure he actually has cheated other then online and threw text messages. I just feel like it's crazy that everytime he's on his phone it seems he's aroused looking or talking to someone or something. Plus the fact that he tries to put it between his legs I would assume that it's semi uncomfortable so he must be doing it for a reason.

[Tatmome2307]

He's my only family i say because my mother is a drug addict that I haven't spoken to in years, I don't have a dad I ever met. My grandparents are deceased and I honestly don't have any friends. So I have absolutely no where to go.

[Mammalyssa]

You're repeating everything you've told yourself over and over as to why you can't leave. It's scary to leave. But eventually you have to ask how much disrespect can you tolerate? 

Leaving is a huge deal, it helps to have people, but when you don't..  you have to look at your options and make a plan. 

I left my husband after 14 years with no one, I just had to take my time to plan it. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, leaving is hard- but if you're not happy with him anymore, but more stressed and lack of trust or ability to communicate is a problem, there are a lot of problems 😕 .

One can remove themselves from a failed relationship, as mentioned, thru planning.  Look at apt costs ( or homes), look into a lawyer, look into locations, therapy etc & having own bank acct.  Then plan your 'move'.  Build up to it all.

Never stay in a place you don't feel okay in anymore.

 

[smackie9]

So what do you want us to tell you? To accept and keep him because he is all you got? You came here for some reason.....what do you want us to do here? You keep making excuses to stay...what do you really want to do?

 

[catfeeder]

There's no magic wand to resolve this. He's not going to admit to anything. If he threatens to leave, you could tell him to leave. Otherwise, unless you're willing to contact legal aid or an attorney for legal advice to learn your options, what can we tell you?

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Tatmome2307 said:

 I've been tested multiple times including recently but never had caught anything. 

If you've been married 15 years why have you been tested "multiple times" for STDs?

Are you assuming he's cheating because you seem to think he's hiding erections from you while viewing his phone?

How is your marriage otherwise? Do you both work? Do you both contribute roughly equally to household tasks?

What exactly is making you unhappy in the marriage?