What did I do?

[Nfbdbslfldms]

I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years and I love her more than I can even begin to explain. 

We've had some bumpy patches and admittedly I've not been the best in the past. 

I had made some huge mistakes and was not fully faithful but we worked through it and were better now. 

One thing I can't stop thinking about is how I was taken advantage of by another party. 

 

This was a person my girlfriend didn't want to associate rightfully, but I did anyway. 

I can't exactly remember what happened that night but I feel as though I was taken advantage of. This person has a history of using me and I feel as though they purposely got me drunk to take advantage of me. 

From what I can remember we absolutely did not have sex or anything even remotely close to that but I remember them being all over me certainly trying to. 

 

I've told my significant other about being there, but I feel as though the pieces have been coming together in my mind recently and it feels as though I could have left things out. 

 

We've worked on these things and we both agreed we want to just move forward and put that all in the past. 

 

Am I wrong for not bringing up that I may have been used that way? My feelings now are that she knows the main problem and we've worked though it. But will bringing up small details that I don't even recall fully make things worse again? Is this something I should just unpack and work on myself? I can't help but feel this is just a cop out I'm telling myself but I genuinely just don't want to hurt her more than I need. 

 

I think if it was something really serious it would be obvious, but it feels like im just trying to unload my trauma on to someone else. I feel as though it may be more complicated than I can write but I'm interested to hear others takes. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't because you were unfaithful to her at other times.  Did the person put something in your drink? Did you report it to the police as an assault and if so why not? I wouldn't burden her with it.  

[Nfbdbslfldms]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't because you were unfaithful to her at other times.  Did the person put something in your drink? Did you report it to the police as an assault and if so why not? I wouldn't burden her with it.  

It feels so much more complicated, I have a history with that person and would have considered them a friend at one point . But looking back I can see all the times they would just use me for their gain. It wasn't serious enough that I would consider it rape ( because nothing even close to intercourse happened) but it's just so confusing to me. Nothing was put in my drink, but they were extremely pushy with getting me to keep drinking more and more 

[Batya33]

Just now, TYZIN said:

It feels so much more complicated, I have a history with that person and would have considered them a friend at one point . But looking back I can see all the times they would just use me for their gain. It wasn't serious enough that I would consider it rape ( because nothing even close to intercourse happened) but it's just so confusing to me. Nothing was put in my drink, but they were extremely pushy with getting me to keep drinking more and more 

I think it's on you to learn boundaries and say no especially about ingesting alcohol.  I had to many times, I did, I've never been drunk and never desired to be drunk.  Even without intercourse if you were assaulted ask yourself why you didn't report it.  I would not burden your partner. You say you love her now so show her love by not burdening her.  There are other ways to get help.

[Nfbdbslfldms]

 

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's on you to learn boundaries and say no especially about ingesting alcohol.  I had to many times, I did, I've never been drunk and never desired to be drunk.  Even without intercourse if you were assaulted ask yourself why you didn't report it.  I would not burden your partner. You say you love her now so show her love by not burdening her.  There are other ways to get help.

I think the issue I have is that I was complacent. A few times I mentioned it made me uncomfortable but at the end of the day I allowed it. That's the part that really bugs me. You are right though and knowing my boundries and how I act under certain circumstances has been a vital key to my growth. 

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, TYZIN said:

 

I think the issue I have is that I was complacent. A few times I mentioned it made me uncomfortable but at the end of the day I allowed it. That's the part that really bugs me. You are right though and knowing my boundries and how I act under certain circumstances has been a vital key to my growth. 

 

Well it's not just a vital key to growth it's common sense to stay healthy and safe.  Since you chose to get drunk and chose the consequences I would tell her if you were unfaithful to her.  But not because you want to make excuses or have her reassure you that you were "used" or did not choose your behavior.  If you believe she is entitled to know you cheated on her again -if in your relationship cheating can be less than sexual intercourse- then you tell her for the purpose of giving her the choice of whether to stay or go. 

Also consider that the "but I love her" is not showing in your actions -you chose again to break your promise to be faithful to her.  Consider that you might have feelings of love but not love her enough to choose loyalty and keeping promises over choosing to get drunk especially in situations with people who you know are attracted to you -that's called playing with fire. 

[Cherylyn]

It's not only a matter of boundaries.  You need to associate and socialize with only very decent, very honorable people in order to trust them and for you to have better, more positive influences in your life. Don't place yourself in risky atmospheres and environments in the first place.  Never be at the wrong place at the wrong time.  If you don't wish to risk infidelity again, change your scenarios so there are zero risks.  Think before you do anything and go anywhere.  Better safe than sorry.  If you truly love your girlfriend of 6 years,  become a permanently changed man with all sincerity and seriousness. 

[Nfbdbslfldms]

I understand that. 

We've already spoken and worked through the fact that I was there and broke her trust by associating with that person. 

She's told me she'd like to put that all behind us and move forward. 

I just don't know if me bringing up the small details that I hardly even recall would just hurt her more than is needed. 

 

I feel like I've done alot of growing and I can genuinely and whole heartedly say that I am not the person I was when this all occurred. 

I've promised her that I'm done "saying" that I've changed and am now showing it with my actions. 

It just feels like everytime I've brought this kind of stuff up it just hurts her more. There was more serious things in my past that I think absolutely needed to be spoken about and worked through. Even pertaining to this situation the main concept has been discussed. 

 

More or less what I'm wondering, is if I need to just take the burden of my actions and complacency and work through that on my own to be the best man I can be for her. 

Or do I re open old wounds for the sake of trying to relieve myself of that feeling. 

 

Thank you everyone for your responses it's amazing how much it means to me 

[Batya33]

So were there other instances of infidelity or just this one where now you want to backpedal and perhaps say it wasn't your fault? Or discuss what you see as "complications?" 

Cheryln is right -anyone can fall victim to a perpetrator, a bully, etc but it's much less likely if you're careful about who you associate with.  I even do that on social media. I unfollowed a good friend because her posts were becoming more and more negative, hostile, bitter, angry and the comments on her posts the same. 

So that even if I posted something completely bland/pleasant it was at risk of being restated/reframed and I do not need even the slightest risk of misunderstanding from negative people who want to do harm. 

I also have in the past left situations where a date was getting very drunk after I'd asked him to please stop drinking, stepped away in some way from people who were gossiping, etc.

[moodindigo91]

52 minutes ago, TYZIN said:

Is this something I should just unpack and work on myself?

Yes. I mean, by yourself with the help of therapy. You should really be questioning why you are putting yourself into situations where people have the opportunity to take advantage of you, especially if those people are suspicious women when you have a girlfriend. That isn't very responsible behavior. You should also ask yourself why in the world you are continuing to associate with someone who, according to you, uses you, takes advantage of you, tries to make you cheat on your girlfriend, etc. 

And finally, I think you should question and determine whether you're actually just feeling guilty, and trying to make yourself out to be some innocent victim in this whole situation because you feel bad for being irresponsible and putting your relationship with your girlfriend on the line. When it comes down to it, that's what you did. At the very least, there were some mixed signals between you and the person you claim was taking advantage of you, otherwise, I can't imagine how you would end up in the situation you ended up in. 

[Nfbdbslfldms]

12 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Yes. I mean, by yourself with the help of therapy. You should really be questioning why you are putting yourself into situations where people have the opportunity to take advantage of you, especially if those people are suspicious women when you have a girlfriend. That isn't very responsible behavior. You should also ask yourself why in the world you are continuing to associate with someone who, according to you, uses you, takes advantage of you, tries to make you cheat on your girlfriend, etc. 

And finally, I think you should question and determine whether you're actually just feeling guilty, and trying to make yourself out to be some innocent victim in this whole situation because you feel bad for being irresponsible and putting your relationship with your girlfriend on the line. When it comes down to it, that's what you did. At the very least, there were some mixed signals between you and the person you claim was taking advantage of you, otherwise, I can't imagine how you would end up in the situation you ended up in. 

It feels silly to say now as I'm sure it's the main thing all cheaters say. 

 

But that really does feel like I'm nowhere near that person anymore. I'm fairly young and I don't mean to make it an excuse but I feel like I've grown alot since these things occurred. 

 

I know whats important to me now and Im so confident and happy with the man I am now and how I act and behave in a relationship. 

 

I by no means want to make myself out to be a victim. I made the choices I did and they led to something I will have to deal with. 

 

I made the bed and now I need to sleep in it. 

 

I just want to know I'm doing the right thing going forward. I don't want to hurt her more with small details if it's not necessary. 

 

I sincerely and genuinely live everyday for her and am not *trying* to be a better man for her. I am and I will continue to be. No ifs ands or buts. 

 

That part of me feels like a dark blot on the grand scheme of my life. 

 

I used to be the person who would talk to other girls thinking it was innocent or seek validation from others. I can admit that I was NOT a good partner at that point of my life and I just want to move on to live a happy life with her. Knowing I've grown and confident in the man I am now. 

 

I'm not a victim I'm the perpetrator, I just want to make things right, and I worry that I'm trying to take the weight off myself and put it on her. 

 

If the situation was more serious in terms of what happened I would definitely want to speak with her about it, but it feels like a small thing that would only hurt her when we've both agreed to just move on from all of that 

[Cherylyn]

58 minutes ago, TYZIN said:

I've promised her that I'm done "saying" that I've changed and am now showing it with my actions. 

It just feels like every time I've brought this kind of stuff up it just hurts her more. There was more serious things in my past that I think absolutely needed to be spoken about and worked through. Even pertaining to this situation the main concept has been discussed. 

More or less what I'm wondering, is if I need to just take the burden of my actions and complacency and work through that on my own to be the best man I can be for her. 

Or do I re open old wounds for the sake of trying to relieve myself of that feeling. 

Thank you everyone for your responses it's amazing how much it means to me 

I wouldn't reopen wounds.  Don't dump anymore painful information on her because it's unnecessary.  Don't create more drama and ultimately, cause heated arguments.  You'll end up defending yourself or profusely apologizing endlessly.  Saying too much will backfire.   Don't irritate her.  Heal by staying quiet and being a good person.  Don't drag out chaos otherwise you'll regret it.

Relieve yourself on your own by becoming a better man from this day forward.  Learn from your mistakes,  don't place yourself in risky situations in the first place,  don't be in atmospheres, environments and locations which are unhealthy for you and focus on your girlfriend with all your heart.  Change the way you think.  This is how you relieve yourself.  You relieve yourself by knowing this is a new day and becoming an honorable,  very moral man.  This is your redemption.  Don't mess up anymore and you will be fine.  Stop tormenting yourself over this. 

It's actually good that you feel guilty and remorseful because most people in my life were in denial mode and continue their disdainful habits.  Those types of people never change for the better because they truly believe whatever they've done is innocent which is absurd.  Hence, relationships never thrive.  In fact, those types of relationships are dead.  I have a complete lack of enthusiasm whenever a person doesn't change for integrity's sake.  I can even forgo the apology and admittance as long as there are no more repeat offenses.  In my case, there are repeat offenses so the relationship, family relationship or friendship is no more.  I've since lost every ounce of patience so I've learned to accept the failed relationship as dead in the water.

As for you, you still have a chance to save your relationship by changing for the better.  Be a very decent human being and all will be fine.  Don't fret. 

I agree with you.  Actions speak louder than words so continue to prove it to her.  This is how you relieve yourself.  Remain consistent,  true to your word in your heart and your relationship will succeed.  Think positively.  And no, don't rehash and reopen old wounds by broaching subjects in order to relieve yourself.  Keep moving forward.  Not backwards.  

[Nfbdbslfldms]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I wouldn't reopen wounds.  Don't dump anymore painful information on her because it's unnecessary.  Don't create more drama and ultimately, cause heated arguments.  You'll end up defending yourself or profusely apologizing endlessly.  Saying too much will backfire.   Don't irritate her.  Heal by staying quiet and being a good person.  Don't drag out chaos otherwise you'll regret it.

Relieve yourself on your own by becoming a better man from this day forward.  Learn from your mistakes,  don't place yourself in risky situations in the first place,  don't be in atmospheres, environments and locations which are unhealthy for you and focus on your girlfriend with all your heart.  Change the way you think.  This is how you relieve yourself.  You relieve yourself by knowing this is a new day and becoming an honorable,  very moral man.  This is your redemption.  Don't mess up anymore and you will be fine.  Stop tormenting yourself over this. 

It's actually good that you feel guilty and remorseful because most people in my life were in denial mode and continue their disdainful habits.  Those types of people never change for the better because they truly believe whatever they've done is innocent which is absurd.  Hence, relationships never thrive.  In fact, those types of relationships are dead.  I have a complete lack of enthusiasm whenever a person doesn't change for integrity's sake.  I can even forgo the apology and admittance as long as there are no more repeat offenses.  In my case, there are repeat offenses so the relationship, family relationship or friendship is no more.  I've since lost every ounce of patience so I've learned accept the failed relationship as dead in the water.

As for you, you still have a chance to save your relationship by changing for the better.  Be a very decent human being and all will be fine.  Don't fret. 

I agree with you.  Actions speak louder than words so continue to prove it to her.  This is how you relieve yourself.  Remain consistent,  true to your word in your heart and your relationship will succeed.  Think positively.  And no, don't rehash and reopen old wounds by broaching subjects in order to relieve yourself.  Keep moving forward.  Not backwards.  

This almost made me cry. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I just want to be the best man I can be for her and I will continue everyday to show her that I am. 

 

The words you have all shared with me have saved me more than you can imagine. 

I used to live so selfishly and I'm so happy my mindset has changed to not only live my life for myself, but for her as well. 

Over the last few years of me being so confused and hurt with myself, one thing has become more clear than ever and it's that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. 

I can't explain how and why my brain changed so drastically but I'm glad it did when it wasn't too late. 

I am a better man, and will continue to be every single day 

[moodindigo91]

7 minutes ago, TYZIN said:

I just want to know I'm doing the right thing going forward. I don't want to hurt her more with small details if it's not necessary. 

 

I sincerely and genuinely live everyday for her and am not *trying* to be a better man for her. I am and I will continue to be. No ifs ands or buts. 

 

That part of me feels like a dark blot on the grand scheme of my life. 

Okay, good. I really think you could benefit from some therapy. Try journaling if you can't get into therapy. 

If you and your girlfriend have already worked through this issue, and she has forgiven you, then you should not go back and rehash small details. That is something you need to work out yourself through journaling or therapy. It seems to me that you are overcome with guilt and possibly panicking about the possibility of losing her. 

Honestly, I think you should do your best to really leave what happened in the past and move forward. There's no sense in you rehashing the details and reliving that moment, keeping yourself stuck in a cycle of guilt. You are allowing a lot of your mental energy to be sucked into this guilt cycle. You could be better using this energy to really be a better man and make your girlfriend feel loved and secure. There's nothing you can do about what happened in the past now. All you have is the present. Quit ruminating and focus on how to continue being better. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TYZIN said:

She's told me she'd like to put that all behind us and move forward. 

If your GF would like to forgive and forget then do so. Dredging it up and putting any sort of blame-shifting spin on it doesn't seem like a good idea if you and your GF want to move forward.

[boltnrun]

Go ahead and tell her juicy details if you want to end the relationship. Because it seems like maybe you do want to end it with the repeated infidelities and going out and getting drunk without her and now wanting to tell her something you know for a fact will hurt her.

But if you don't want to end the relationship and don't want to hurt her anymore, then KEEP QUIET. Don't you think you've hurt her enough already?

If you truly are a changed person and you love and care for her, stop the hurtful behavior and be loving and faithful to her.

[MissCanuck]

Ask yourself this: what difference would it make to your girlfriend to hear that you felt taken advantage of? 

2 hours ago, TYZIN said:

 just feels like everytime I've brought this kind of stuff up it just hurts her more

So why do you keep bringing it up? 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, TYZIN said:

But will bringing up small details that I don't even recall fully make things worse again?

To me, that sounds like sabotaging the relationship, but in a different way other than infidelity. Make sure you really are serious about continuing this relationship and not just staying because she's been a major part of your life from youthful days and you're merely used to her being around.

Questions to ask yourself to know if you're really serious about becoming the mature adult it takes to build a beautiful life with someone. 

Am I willing to never drink again, knowing I lack good sense when I do so?

Am I willing to stop building friendships with women who flirt with me and who, if I was single, would want to date? This includes not communicating with these women by text nor any social media.

Am I willing to delete and block anyone who crosses boundaries and is bad for my relationship, including the woman who took advantage of me?

Am I willing to solely behave in ways whereas if my gf was a fly on the wall, she'd be happy about what she observed?

If you're unwilling to abide by any of those things, do your gf a favor and let her go to find someone who is worthy of her.

If you're serious about stepping up, good for you and good luck.

[Nfbdbslfldms]

5 minutes ago, Andrina said:

To me, that sounds like sabotaging the relationship, but in a different way other than infidelity. Make sure you really are serious about continuing this relationship and not just staying because she's been a major part of your life from youthful days and you're merely used to her being around.

Questions to ask yourself to know if you're really serious about becoming the mature adult it takes to build a beautiful life with someone. 

Am I willing to never drink again, knowing I lack good sense when I do so?

Am I willing to stop building friendships with women who flirt with me and who, if I was single, would want to date? This includes not communicating with these women by text nor any social media.

Am I willing to delete and block anyone who crosses boundaries and is bad for my relationship, including the woman who took advantage of me?

Am I willing to solely behave in ways whereas if my gf was a fly on the wall, she'd be happy about what she observed?

If you're unwilling to abide by any of those things, do your gf a favor and let her go to find someone who is worthy of her.

If you're serious about stepping up, good for you and good luck.

I find solice in the fact that I can whole heartedly say YES absolutely to all those things, which I already have in practice! 

[Nfbdbslfldms]

37 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Ask yourself this: what difference would it make to your girlfriend to hear that you felt taken advantage of? 

So why do you keep bringing it up? 

I think for the most part I just thought it was the right thing to do to be open. I realize it seems as though I was trying to take the weight off myself and put it on someone else. 

[Nfbdbslfldms]

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Am I willing to solely behave in ways whereas if my gf was a fly on the wall, she'd be happy about what she observed?

This is actually more or less the code I live by now.  

It gives me alot of strength realizing where I was weak and selfish in the past. It helps to me to see where I need to change in not only my actions but my mindset. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, TYZIN said:

I think for the most part I just thought it was the right thing to do to be open. I realize it seems as though I was trying to take the weight off myself and put it on someone else. 

Being open needs to be balanced with tact and the risk of oversharing -read the lyrics to the Carly Simon song We Have No Secrets.  If she already knows about what happened that night then it's enough and don't burden her with more.

[Nfbdbslfldms]

Thank you everyone for your advice, at the end of the day I just want to make sure I'm the best man for her going forward. I'm so determined in my growth and I can genuinely say I'm happy with the man I am for her these days. I want so desperately to not feel evil anymore.

She's my whole world and I would pull the moon out of the sky for her.

I will be a good guy again, someone she and I can be proud of, and I'm going to show it. 
My actions will speak so much louder then words ever could.

Thank you again everyone for everything, I felt so alone in my struggle.

[MissCanuck]

How long ago did you cheat on her, OP?