Looking for insight as my gf may be asexual

[Damon23]

My (21M) girlfriend (22F) who I've been with for over 2 months has recently told me she may be asexual however she's going through the process of figuring it out. About 2 weeks into our relationship we had one instance in which we both engaged in sexual acts with each other (both still virgins) it started off with her initiating it giving me a hickey and so I gave her one back, we began making out, and she initiated progression from there which went on for about 3 hours. A couple days after she told me she wants to wait a while before we do any of that stuff again which I'm completely fine with and only want her to feel comfortable, safe and happy. 2 months go by and we haven't even made out, she doesn't have an issue with me playing with her ass, however one time we were cuddling and I had my hand placed on her breast and she seemed to be a bit uncomfortable about that so I moved my hand away immediately.

About 2 weeks later she seemed to be a bit distant and wanted some space which I respected and gave her space for a couple days, while still talking, seeing each other occasionally but not staying over at hers, no cuddling like we normally do which broke me a bit inside as I love her a lot. I talked to her about it and she said I haven't done anything wrong and she's been a bit distant with everyone recently, things went back to normal that day and I was with her and talked to her explaining how I'm kind of confused about boundaries as I'm happy to wait for however long she wants as I want her to feel comfortable as she's had past trauma, however I assumed making out and hickeys would still be on the table and was confused at whether or not she doesn't want to do that or if I'm just bad at initiating things, she said she has things going on that she's trying to put into words but is struggling to, she went downstairs to get water and came back with her friend on the phone, she wanted her friend to explain to me what's going on as she just cant put it into words which I was completely fine with, her friend said that she's questioning if she might be asexual and explained to me what it is and then left us to talk to each other, I made sure I told her that I'm here for her always and she can talk to me about anything and that I'll always support her no matter what, I also mentioned that she has all the time in the world to figure things out and when she's ready she can talk to me about it.

I can see myself being with her for the rest of my life but I'm just really conflicted at the moment because I love her for who she is however I feel that intimacy is important for me as it allows me to feel closer to her and if she comes to the conclusion that she is asexual I don't know if I'd be able to cope without being intimate for the rest of my life which makes me feel like a complete a-hole because I don't just want intimacy exclusively I want to be able to love her emotionally and physically. I know that some people who identify as asexual can still decide to have sex but to me it's not about just having sex I want that kind of love and connection to be mutual rather than just her doing me the favor of having sex. I'm not sure what to think at the moment, all I want to do is make sure she's comfortable and supported but I just feel terrible for having these desires.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think she is ready for a relationship, OP. At her age, she shouldn't need her friend to explain sensitive matters to you. That is something someone much younger might do, but not an adult.  I realize she is sexually inexperienced but it's not a good sign at all that she can't bring herself to talk to you directly.

8 minutes ago, anon111000 said:

I just feel terrible for having these desires.

Serious question - why? Your desires are completely normal. I don't see why you should feel guilty or bad for that. You didn't pressure her and you've been respectful of her. And you're also a healthy adult with a sex drive. That isn't anything to feel bad about, in and of itself. 

11 minutes ago, anon111000 said:

I don't know if I'd be able to cope without being intimate for the rest of my life which makes me feel like a complete a-hole because

Again, this is doesn't make you an a-hole. It just makes you totally incompatible with her. The majority of adults have sex with their partners, which is natural and enjoyable. Sure, there are some who don't want sex. But you would be doing a major disservice to yourself by committing to someone whose desires are completely opposite of yours. I am not sure why you are beating yourself up over it. 

You can wait a little while if you want, and see if your girlfriend becomes more comfortable with you. It's only been 2 months. It's early days. However, I have to say that I would be concerned that she seems to be pulling away from you already. See how things go without any prompting from you, but don't be afraid or ashamed to end this is you realize that ultimately you aren't sexually compatible. 

[Damon23]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think she is ready for a relationship, OP. At her age, she shouldn't need her friend to explain sensitive matters to you. That is something someone much younger might do

I understand why she got her friend to explain it to me, I kind of phrased it wrong, it's a friend that we both trust and my gf has trouble with anxiety, before her friend came on the phone she was shaking and nearly crying, I believe because she was scared of what I'd think so couldn't form the words in her head without tripping on her words or freezing up. I began the conversation through notes on my phone because I have the same trouble where I struggle to talk about serious things without freezing up, shaking, tripping on words etc. and would rather get the point across than mess up while trying to explain it and her interpreting it differently, she's in the very early stage of questioning if she's asexual and told me herself that she was planning on telling me soon but wanted to give me an answer instead of leaving me wondering, it's also worth mentioning that she did ask me if it's ok if her friend explained it and I saw she was having a rush of anxiety so for her peace of mind I said it was fine for her friend to explain it, in the future though if she wants to explain something to me I'll explain that I'd rather hear it from her, we're both really inexperienced with relationships, this is my first real relationship where we share genuine love for each other. I don't know why I feel bad for having those desires I guess it's part of being inexperienced, overthinking and worrying that she'll think I only want her for sex which is not true. I want to stay with her and she wants to stay with me so I'll see what happens once she figures things out, I just needed a view from an outside perspective as I have nobody else to talk to this about

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Damon23 said:

My (21M) girlfriend (22F) who I've been with for over 2 months. both still virgins. she told me she wants to wait a while before we do any of that stuff again

It's only 60 days dating and you're simply trying to move too fast for her. She's not "asexual". She is not as interested as you in having sex at this time. "no" mean "no.  Stop pressuring her. So slow your roll or find a GF who wants to have sex/intercourse as quickly as you do.

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Damon23 said:

I said it was fine for her friend to explain it, in the future though if she wants to explain something to me I'll explain that I'd rather hear it from her, we're both really inexperienced with relationships, this is my first real relationship where we share genuine love for each other. I don't know why I feel bad for having those desires I guess it's part of being inexperienced, overthinking and worrying that she'll think I only want her for sex which is not true. I want to stay with her and she wants to stay with me so I'll see what happens once she figures things out, I just needed a view from an outside perspective as I have nobody else to talk to this about

Sorry, but I can't say this is real 'love' you have for each other.  You do seem extremely into her, but she is struggling with a lot at this time 😕 .

In the beginning it's very new & exciting, is more infatuation....

But, sadly, if one cannot 'give' back, the relationship will fail. You are so willing & able to give in all aspects but she can't. ( sounds like she is still trying to figure some things out) - Plus she's had some past abuse?  😕 

Anyways, we can't 'make' anyone love us.  It either proceeds successfully or it doesn't.

It has only been a couple of months and I think you should just back off and leave all alone.  Let her be, to continue on with whatever she needs to work on.

Believe me, you will come to meet another gal someday who's just as much, into you, as you are in her! 🙂 

 

[moodindigo91]

I don't see that you've really pressured her in any way. You actually seem to be quite flexible and understanding, in my opinion. And she was the one who initiated the interaction you had. 

I do, however, agree with the others that she may not be ready for a relationship. Especially with a partner who has the desire to be intimate with her in the near future. Even if you are not purposely putting pressure on her, she probably feels the pressure just knowing you want to be intimate with her and not feeling ready for that. 

And, it doesn't make you an a-hole that you fear that you may not be compatible with a partner who identifies as asexual. Intimacy in relationships is important to many people and can often make or break a relationship. Unfortunately, it seems like she needs to really figure out what she is/wants before really being in a relationship with anyone. 

[Damon23]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's only 60 days dating and you're simply trying to move too fast for her. She's not "asexual". She is not as interested as you in having sex at this time. "no" mean "no.  Stop pressuring her. So slow your roll or find a GF who wants to have sex/intercourse as quickly as you do.

I think you've got the wrong idea, I'm not trying to move too fast or make her uncomfortable, I'm talking about in the future as in like a year down the line, I was more so concerned that we weren't making out even occasionally as we've only done so once and she became distant recently which she has since told me she didn't even realize. I'm more than happy to give her the time she needs to figure everything out, I'm not dating for the sake of being with someone I'm dating her because I see a future with her. Also I don't think you've even read my post as her friend told me (which my gf wanted her to explain as she was extremely nervous) that she thinks she's asexual. Since posting this I've come to the conclusion that I'm perfectly fine with sacrificing intimacy to be with her as long as she feels happy and comfortable.

[Damon23]

2 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

I don't see that you've really pressured her in any way. You actually seem to be quite flexible and understanding, in my opinion. And she was the one who initiated the interaction you had. 

I do, however, agree with the others that she may not be ready for a relationship. Especially with a partner who has the desire to be intimate with her in the near future. Even if you are not purposely putting pressure on her, she probably feels the pressure just knowing you want to be intimate with her and not feeling ready for that. 

And, it doesn't make you an a-hole that you fear that you may not be compatible with a partner who identifies as asexual. Intimacy in relationships is important to many people and can often make or break a relationship. Unfortunately, it seems like she needs to really figure out what she is/wants before really being in a relationship with anyone. 

I think we're both ready for a relationship but just not intimacy yet or if at all, I've since come to the conclusion that I'm happy to sacrifice intimacy to be with her, our relationship doesn't have to be sexual and after thinking about it I've come to realize that being with her is more than enough to make me happy. If one day she figures out that she'd like to be intimate that's great but I'm not gonna just "wait" for that I'm more than happy to just be with her romantically.

[Batya33]

Whether she’s asexual or not doesn’t matter. Her actions show you she’s not into you like you are into her. For whatever reason. Maybe her anxiety doesn’t help but that’s for a professional to figure out.  I’d back off and take space from her because if she’s not asexual and simply not that into you it will bother you if you see her pursuing others.
Find someone who is attracted to you romantically as well as platonically if you want to date and find a good match. She is not. I’m sorry. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Damon23 said:

I think we're both ready for a relationship but just not intimacy yet or if at all, I've since come to the conclusion that I'm happy to sacrifice intimacy to be with her, our relationship doesn't have to be sexual and after thinking about it I've come to realize that being with her is more than enough to make me happy. If one day she figures out that she'd like to be intimate that's great but I'm not gonna just "wait" for that I'm more than happy to just be with her romantically.

I wouldn’t settle. You’ll end up feeling frustrated and sad especially if she seems into others in a romantic way. Or you’ll wonder. I’d feel differently if she enjoyed kissing and hugging you but wanted to wait for intercourse. 

[Damon23]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn’t settle. You’ll end up feeling frustrated and sad especially if she seems into others in a romantic way. Or you’ll wonder. I’d feel differently if she enjoyed kissing and hugging you but wanted to wait for intercourse. 

She enjoys hugging, cuddling while watching movies or just while sitting or lying down, kissing (no tongue) and sleeping over at hers, we do all of that nearly everyday I stay over like 2-4 times a week. She expressed a couple days after we were intimate for the first time that she wants to wait a while to go further which I misinterpreted as only sexual stuff and assumed we'd still make out, give hickeys etc. I'm more than happy to give her the time she needs, and if she decides she's asexual I'm more than happy to just be romantic with her and move at a pace that she's comfortable with

[Damon23]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Whether she’s asexual or not doesn’t matter. Her actions show you she’s not into you like you are into her. For whatever reason. Maybe her anxiety doesn’t help but that’s for a professional to figure out.  I’d back off and take space from her because if she’s not asexual and simply not that into you it will bother you if you see her pursuing others.
Find someone who is attracted to you romantically as well as platonically if you want to date and find a good match. She is not. I’m sorry. 

She doesn't act romantically towards others in fact makes a profound effort to express that she has a boyfriend, she's told me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her, her family approves of me and I get along well with them, I don't want to find someone else, I'd previously given up on finding someone as it seemed like everyone else is just the same I was content with being alone but when I met her we clicked instantly, share a lot in common, her friends told me she's never acted the way she does around anyone else except me and to be honest it's the same on my end, It's like I've discovered a side to me that I thought didn't exist.

[moodindigo91]

37 minutes ago, Damon23 said:

I think we're both ready for a relationship but just not intimacy yet or if at all, I've since come to the conclusion that I'm happy to sacrifice intimacy to be with her, our relationship doesn't have to be sexual and after thinking about it I've come to realize that being with her is more than enough to make me happy. If one day she figures out that she'd like to be intimate that's great but I'm not gonna just "wait" for that I'm more than happy to just be with her romantically.

Well, this is a really nice sentiment. Since you're both pretty young and the relationship is new, I would move forward taking it one day at a time at this stage. You feel very strongly about this now, about wanting to be with her despite the lack of intimacy, but that will probably change as time goes on as it is also often the case that the more you get to know and love someone you're romantically involved with, the more you'll want to be intimate with them. This situation would be a pressure cooker. 

Tread lightly, and, I agree with others, there is no need to settle just yet. You are very young and have a lot of opportunity to meet other women who may be more compatible with you. 

[Damon23]

13 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

Well, this is a really nice sentiment. Since you're both pretty young and the relationship is new, I would move forward taking it one day at a time at this stage. You feel very strongly about this now, about wanting to be with her despite the lack of intimacy, but that will probably change as time goes on as it is also often the case that the more you get to know and love someone you're romantically involved with, the more you'll want to be intimate with them. This situation would be a pressure cooker. 

Tread lightly, and, I agree with others, there is no need to settle just yet. You are very young and have a lot of opportunity to meet other women who may be more compatible with you. 

I think I this is the post I can most agree with, I don't want to end our relationship just because she's questioning that she might be asexual, I think taking it one day at a time is the best, and you're right I may feel different about a lack of intimacy over time but I won't know until I give it time, I'm very new to understanding what asexuality is but from doing some research it seems it can vary per person, some people feel completely uncomfortable with intimacy while others feel enjoyment from making their partner happy and other people are just uninterested. Only time can tell and I'm willing to give her all the time in the world for her to figure out what she wants and I'll be there for her no matter what as long as she wants me to.

[Batya33]

Watch the feet- the actions -not the lips -what she says.  Except what she said about believing she may be asexual. 

If you knew today this was going to be your relationship - boyfriend/girlfriend with no physical or sexual intimacy ever-would you stay or would you go? I understand you "gave up" on finding someone but that's not a reason to settle.

you don't need to know what asexual means -it's a range anyway- all you need to know is she does not want to be physically or sexually intimate with you and has no idea if she will ever wish to.

[Damon23]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Watch the feet- the actions -not the lips -what she says.  Except what she said about believing she may be asexual. 

If you knew today this was going to be your relationship - boyfriend/girlfriend with no physical or sexual intimacy ever-would you stay or would you go? I understand you "gave up" on finding someone but that's not a reason to settle.

you don't need to know what asexual means -it's a range anyway- all you need to know is she does not want to be physically or sexually intimate with you and has no idea if she will ever wish to.

"Watch the feet- the actions -not the lips -what she says." I'm not quite sure what you mean by that.
I think I would still stay with her, she's an amazing and caring person and that matters more to me than sexual intimacy, I know it's not a reason to settle but it's one of many reasons, including her being the most amazing person I've met, whenever I feel down she's always there to pick me back up and vise-versa, I'm completely aware it's way too early to tell if I've me "the one" but it does feel as if I have. I'm completely fine with her not being physically or sexually intimate as I really do just enjoy her company and love spending time with her.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Damon23 said:

"Watch the feet- the actions -not the lips -what she says." I'm not quite sure what you mean by that.
I think I would still stay with her, she's an amazing and caring person and that matters more to me than sexual intimacy, I know it's not a reason to settle but it's one of many reasons, including her being the most amazing person I've met, whenever I feel down she's always there to pick me back up and vise-versa, I'm completely aware it's way too early to tell if I've me "the one" but it does feel as if I have. I'm completely fine with her not being physically or sexually intimate as I really do just enjoy her company and love spending time with her.

She says she's really into you and her actions are that she's not into you sexually -for whatever reason -whether you two don't click or she is some form of asexual. So what she says -from her lips -is very sweet -but doesn't translate into physical or sexual intimacy.  

Yes if you accept that you will be platonic friends and also choose not to go on dates outside of your friendship that's fine.  Then there's no reason to discuss whether she's asexual, or bi or hetero or any other type of sexuality because you two are platonic friends who love each other.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Damon23 said:

She enjoys hugging, cuddling while watching movies or just while sitting or lying down, kissing and sleeping over at hers, we do all of that nearly everyday I stay over like 2-4 times a week. 

With just 60 days dating this is way too much way too soon. You spend too much time together. It's suffocating and it can stagnant the relationship.

Stop sleeping over her parents house. Obviously she's not going to have intercourse in her parents home. So what are you thinking by sleeping there?

Why aren't you two going out doing fun things rather than just necking on the sofa and sleep overs?

You seem to be using trendy labels to describe that she doesn't want intercourse after 60 days or in her parents house. If she were "asexual", all the cuddling and kissing etc wouldn't be happening.

Step back. Give her room to breathe and time to miss you. Most of all stop camping out at her parents house. Go on fun dates out. Then go home and sleep at your parents house. How can she miss you if you're hanging around 24/7. 

You're imposing on her and her parents. There's no fun or dating or anything that inspires girls to feel interested.  Stop sleeping over her parents house.  You're not the foster child. 

[MissCanuck]

19 hours ago, Damon23 said:

it's a friend that we both trust and my gf has trouble with anxiety, before her friend came on the phone she was shaking and nearly crying

This is why I say she is not emotionally ready for a relationship. You might be understanding, but it's still a big red flag that she needs friend to get involved in the most personal elements of your relationship.

I think in the long-term, this relationship won't work. I have a hard time believing you are going to be okay never having sex with your girlfriend if you are not asexual yourself, which you clearly aren't. She is already pulling away from you which says a lot, unfortunately. 

Be careful not to over-invest in her. You stand to get very hurt. 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

think in the long-term, this relationship won't work. I have a hard time believing you are going to be okay never having sex with your girlfriend if you are not asexual yourself, which you clearly aren't. She is already pulling away from you which says a lot, unfortunately. 

It's not just about intercourse- she doesn't seem to want to be romantically affectionate with him and whether that's because she's asexual or simply not into him that way really doesn't matter - if they were married and all of a sudden this happened I'd recommend marriage counseling.

If he is ok with not having a physically or sexually intimate relationship and being her BFF platonically forever because it's worth it to him who am I to judge.  But he has to be honest with himself that he wants that as well and is not settling.

[MissCanuck]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's not just about intercourse- she doesn't seem to want to be romantically affectionate with him and whether that's because she's asexual or simply not into him that way really doesn't matter

Well, yes. That is why I said that the fact that she is pulling away is a bad sign. 

[Armen]

My previous GF also was asexual toward me. Later i found out that she used dating app and spoke to person of her gender. As it turned out, she was bisexual. Learnt it after 1.5 years we spent together, first i was quit frustrated and eventually broke up. Now i understand that that was her choice and couldnt do anything to change the situation. Now i live another life and learnt to deal with problem and simply move on