I need some hope in this housing crisis

[HungryGhost]

Hi all, 

I posted on here about 7 months ago when I ended up leaving my abusive live-in boyfriend l. It was a struggle, but I managed to get a room in an apartment with a roommate, a situation that I have been viewing as a temporary transition from the start. It has fulfilled the purpose i needed it to (it got me into a safe environment without increasing my rent, and it's in the same neighborhood). However, as predicted, I don't enjoy living here. My roommate seems like a very good person, but she treats the place like it's just hers and i am barely allowed to exist here. My belongings and I have to be as quiet and invisible as possible most of the time to accommodate her busy and highly variable work schedule, which is exclusively at home and involves bringing people into the apartment for appointments. 

When I took the place, I was aware of a new and much better-paying opportunity at my workplace, and my prospects for getting it were very good. I applied and I got it! I started a few weeks ago. It's early days, but I get a good vibe from it. It aligns with my education and experience, i can see myself settling in and being happy there for the long-term, and most importantly, pays enough that I could actually afford to pay the outrageous rent to get my own apartment. But it's just not happening. As soon as I heard I was hired (mid-September), I started looking. But I am getting nowhere. I mean NOWHERE. I check the ads every day and reach out IMMEDIATELY whenever I see a place that would work for me, but I have not even succeeded at getting a viewing so far. When I request one, they either don't respond at all, or they just say no because they have so many applications already that they don't need to show it to me. I am exactly the person everyone wants as a tenant. I have everything they need for a successful application, and a long history of successful rental experiences. I know that if someone would consider me, they would take me. But nobody will even consider me because the demand is SO HIGH. I live in a city that did very well during covid, so everyone in the country, and the world, took notice and many of them decided to move here and take up all the housing. The government is only just starting to respond to the crisis, and it will take time before we see any improvement at all. I don't even know what to hope for, because nobody really knows how the economy will unfold. They say they are building more housing, but that takes years and tends to be brand new luxury units that I can't afford. 

So I'm just stuck. I am doing what's in my control and I am getting nowhere. I could put up more of a fight to have more rights where I am, but I really don't want to since I'm not interested in staying anyway, plus I don't want to rock the boat for fear that I will be asked to leave (that's what happened with the previous roommate), and I don't want to invest in anything like room separators that may make it more possible for me to use the apartment while the roommate works because it's ultimately a waste of money if I do end up being able to move soon. So I am in a weird limbo and I don't like it.

Various people have told me that I just have to believe that I will get something, and that will manifest it. But it's just so hard to do that when every effort I make discourages me even more. I have even tried to get apartments in the building where i already live, thinking my current resident status might make a difference. But no. They too refuse me viewings and put me at the very bottom of the waiting list. 

Help, ENA! What can I hope for? I am out of ideas. 

Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

 .As soon as I heard I was hired (mid-September), I started looking. 

That's great. As far as apts. take your time and remember that you've only given it a month which is nothing. Just keep looking and wait for the best option. Don't rush into anything or jump from the frying pan to the fire, going from one bad situation to the next just to run from the last. 

It can take months to find decent housing in a tight market. Hang on. Even if this roommate is a pain, don't make rash decisions. The best places are rarely sitting vacant just when you happen to have some good luck with the job.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I'd do the room separators -maybe see if there are used ones on your nextdoor site or similar site. Get headphones to sort of get "space" that way.  

How would you feel about house sitting for other people or pet sitting where you stay there for a week or a couple of days?  Google - I think there is actually a company that matches people up who are looking for that arrangement -a friend who moved states last year does that now and also has her own place -just for extra income.  That way you get some time away from this suffocating feeling.  Good luck!

[catfeeder]

I’d stop asking for viewings since they’re not doing them, as that just disqualifies you. Ask how to become eligible for next available unit, take those steps, then take the first thing that opens. 

If it’s not ideal, you’ll still have your privacy and the term of the lease to sock money away for a down payment on buying something.

Congrats on your new position!

[HungryGhost]

21 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're struggling. I'd do the room separators -maybe see if there are used ones on your nextdoor site or similar site. Get headphones to sort of get "space" that way.  

How would you feel about house sitting for other people or pet sitting where you stay there for a week or a couple of days?  Google - I think there is actually a company that matches people up who are looking for that arrangement -a friend who moved states last year does that now and also has her own place -just for extra income.  That way you get some time away from this suffocating feeling.  Good luck!

Both good suggestions re: "space." The biggest thing is that I am not distracting to the people who are here. Headphones would not accomplish that, unfortunately. I'm not allowed to be in the common areas when they are here.

I do love petsitting! I sometimes do that for friends anyway. It may provide some interim relief, but it's still not the same as having my own home. At other people's places, I can't cook or bake, at least not conveniently, because I never know what dishes they have or where they keep them etc. Plus I would have to bring all the ingredients, while at home I usually already have a lot of them in my cupboards. It's awkward to "live" in someone else's space. 

[HungryGhost]

17 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I’d stop asking for viewings since they’re not doing them, as that just disqualifies you. Ask how to become eligible for next available unit, take those steps, then take the first thing that opens. 

If it’s not ideal, you’ll still have your privacy and the term of the lease to sock money away for a down payment on buying something.

Congrats on your new position!

I had the same thought, and I had just made the decision to sacrifice viewings when I pursue my current rental company. I talked to them the last time they declined my viewing request to ask if people are just applying right away without viewing first, and they said yes. So I went into the online application to see what they ask for so I can have all my documents and info ready to copy and paste into the form and maybe be among the first applicants next time. I know that my current company's apartments have everything I need and they keep them in good repair, so I am confident I could get a good one from them if they would consider me. I have been stalking mine and 2 other buildings of theirs that are walkable to my workplace. I'm nervous to sacrifice viewings for completely unknown buildings and/or landlords, though. The conditions are ripe for scammers to emerge. I found one of those last week. 😒 My city is a university town, so usually there is a big student migration away in the spring. I wonder if we will still have that this year. This fall students were having so much trouble finding places that I suspect they will hang onto them more tightly than before. 

I have also been considering buying. Perhaps not surprisingly, the buyers' market went crazy here too so the prices are still very high. However, my new job boosted the amount I could be approved for in a mortgage to a price that properties actually get listed at! That's very exciting, but I still need to save up more money before I could realistically do it. I have been debating whether my sanity can handle staying on here until I have saved enough, but I just don't think it can. I need to be able to live in my own home. 

Thanks! My new job was a LONG time coming. I feel like housing is the last obstacle standing between me and the life I want! 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, HungryGhost said:

. 😒 my city is a university town, so usually there is a big student migration away in the spring. 

The best thing you can do is check your credit score, make sure it's accurate. You'll need to fill out applications one way or the other whether you drive by or view or window shop. Never sign anything until you have seen the place, obviously.

Fill out the applications for the apts you're interested in. You need to start there to even get on the waiting list.

Do not buy and reconsider if living in apts geared for students is a good fit since you seem to want a decent quiet place, not a frat house.

Again you're rushing it and panicking but why keep jumping from the frying pan to the fire?

Just because this roommate is a pain, why let that dictate a bad decision such as thinking you're going to find a great place in a tight market in a couple of weeks?

Remember that lots of vacancies or turnover is a huge red flag.

You can deal with whatever you're in until you find an affordable appropriate apartment. Use practical methods not emotions for practical endeavors.

So "housing crisis" is sort of inaccurate since you have some time to research upgrading your situation more commensurate with the new job. You're not in a sleeping bag on the sidewalk.

[Batya33]

I understand how you feel about space (and my sense is with house sitting the cooking kind of thing is negotiable as well as what would be provided/food allowance).  I understand things are cramped now and I think you're taking steps to alleviate that including with your own building.  I think the pandemic changed so much about space and living conditions for so many (meaning your situation is different but I bet many are experiencing similar challenges)- made my space and ability to have it so much narrower given telework/virtual schooling and no business travel (meaning 3 people in smallish space much much more plus fewer building amenities in the common areas). 

I'm thinking you may just have to adjust like so many of us have had to instead of jumping in to buy and buying where it's not a financially savyy decision. 

Find places where you can have more space so your time in your room is limited -low cost gym, coffee shop, library, etc.  University towns should have a lot of that.  I literally have stepped into the hallway of my building for ten minutes or so when my son is acting up and I need "space" 

I would do more take out that you can quickly heat up (I know -more $ but is it worth having the whole negotiation of when you can use her kitchen?) and make your room as cozy as possible.   

[HungryGhost]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I understand how you feel about space (and my sense is with house sitting the cooking kind of thing is negotiable as well as what would be provided/food allowance).  I understand things are cramped now and I think you're taking steps to alleviate that including with your own building.  I think the pandemic changed so much about space and living conditions for so many (meaning your situation is different but I bet many are experiencing similar challenges)- made my space and ability to have it so much narrower given telework/virtual schooling and no business travel (meaning 3 people in smallish space much much more plus fewer building amenities in the common areas). 

I'm thinking you may just have to adjust like so many of us have had to instead of jumping in to buy and buying where it's not a financially savyy decision. 

Find places where you can have more space so your time in your room is limited -low cost gym, coffee shop, library, etc.  University towns should have a lot of that.  I literally have stepped into the hallway of my building for ten minutes or so when my son is acting up and I need "space" 

I would do more take out that you can quickly heat up (I know -more $ but is it worth having the whole negotiation of when you can use her kitchen?) and make your room as cozy as possible.   

I spent the past 2 years compromising my housing situation and making do because I had no choice given the state of the economy and my income at the time. I'm sick of it. I do venture out as much as I can (I have a gym membership, I go to restaurants occasionally, etc.) but at some point I have to come home and do the things I can only do at home and my ability to do it always comes second to my roommate and what she's doing at the time. It's not even convenient for me to read at home because she told me I can't keep books on my bookshelves. I'm a former librarian, so I felt that restriction in my soul. 

More takeout occurred to me too but we don't have healthy options conveniently located near the building, and health and fitness is very important to me. I don't want to sacrifice my health and appearance because some stranger's schedule dictated it. Plus if I gain weight I have to replace all my clothes, and I can't put my current ones in storage because it's already full of all my stuff that I am not allowed to have in the apartment. 

[HungryGhost]

To be clear, I am really not interested in workarounds. I know what I want and need, and that is to have my own place again. I just need tips on how to persevere and keep the faith that I will get there even though all of the evidence is suggesting to me that it will never happen. Does anyone have any tips for that? I'm thinking meditation techniques, or inspirational videos, or daily mantra recitations, or just anything to help me feel better about competing in a market that feels so inhumane and impossible. 

I do appreciate your suggestions so far. I'm just tired of tiptoeing around other people and settling for something I don't want when I can once again afford to have what I actually want but I just can't seem to get it.

Thanks!

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

I spent the past 2 years compromising my housing situation and making do because I had no choice given the state of the economy and my income at the time. I'm sick of it. I do venture out as much as I can (I have a gym membership, I go to restaurants occasionally, etc.) but at some point I have to come home and do the things I can only do at home and my ability to do it always comes second to my roommate and what she's doing at the time. It's not even convenient for me to read at home because she told me I can't keep books on my bookshelves. I'm a former librarian, so I felt that restriction in my soul. 

More takeout occurred to me too but we don't have healthy options conveniently located near the building, and health and fitness is very important to me. I don't want to sacrifice my health and appearance because some stranger's schedule dictated it. Plus if I get fat I have to replace all my clothes, and I can't put my current ones in storage because it's already full of all my stuff that I am not allowed to have in the apartment. 

I understand your frustrations and struggles and see you feel you have reached your "last straw point." 

I do pause at your dramatic what if the sky falls type stuff about "if I get fat/my clothes" - obviously there are healthful take out options (I am slim and I eat take out a couple times a week -all healthful options and I am very good at portion control on top of that -I am 56, I am slim/thin and have been basically my whole life).  I'd pause if I were you at observing when you're getting to that "hysteria" point of what if the sky falls in.  Lots of us have faced that with the pandemic -it triggers that sort of sky-falling go-to reaction - and I've found it really helpful to come up with tools, mantras, actions, activities so that I don't "go there." 

Not just about "what if I get fat and have to buy new clothes" but about stepping back, pausing, counting blessings ad nauseum.  I'm not going to invalidate your concerns -your feelings are your feelings -but also choose different reactions to avoid the kind of impulsive, anxiety-filled catastrophic thinking.  It's just not a healthful way to live don't you agree?

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, HungryGhost said:

o be clear, I am really not interested in workarounds. I know what I want and need, and that is to have my own place again.

You don't need your own place, you want it.  Big difference.  I posted below not about workarounds but working on your attitude, perspective, breathing practices, etc (I also highly recommend the Weil method of 4-7-8 breathing and practice it even when you're not feeling anxious). 

I desperately want space today in my own home because I've been solo parenting for a couple of days and partly it's been really stressful.  It feels so much like a need.  But it's not a need -in reality it's a want because if my husband can't take my son out today to give me a couple of hours to myself I will still feel that "need" but have to recognize it's a want and therefore I will react to that feeling by seeing what I can do as a workaround until I can get time to myself.  

[HungryGhost]

49 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

obviously there are healthful take out options (I am slim and I eat take out a couple times a week -all healthful options 

Yes, I just meant that none of those healthy options are located near my building. All that's near me is fast food and pub food which is ok sometimes, but not as a plan for feeding myself on a daily or even a weekly basis. So to get the healthy stuff I have to bend even more and spend more time to venture further when I am doing so much bending already. It's just one more thing that makes it really hard to live my life in this situation. 

[HungryGhost]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I posted below not about workarounds but working on your attitude, perspective, breathing practices, etc (I also highly recommend the Weil method of 4-7-8 breathing and practice it even when you're not feeling anxious). 

Yes, this is exactly what I am looking for. I recognize that I'm in an unhealthy state of thinking and I need to turn that around to move forward. Please post helpful resources. Thank you!

[HungryGhost]

53 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I desperately want space today in my own home because I've been solo parenting for a couple of days and partly it's been really stressful.  It feels so much like a need.  But it's not a need -in reality it's a want because if my husband can't take my son out today to give me a couple of hours to myself I will still feel that "need" but have to recognize it's a want and therefore I will react to that feeling by seeing what I can do as a workaround until I can get time to myself.  

I can empathize. I hope you get your space really soon. 

I hadn't considered the want vs. need perspective. "I have what I need" might make a good mantra.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

I can empathize. I hope you get your space really soon. 

I hadn't considered the want vs. need perspective. "I have what I need" might make a good mantra.

This really helped that you wrote that even though I am supposed  to be helping you! Thanks! I am alone right now but only for a short time -it's not going to be a longer outing today unfortunately.  I understand about healthier options.  Is there any other way to approach your roommate? Is there maybe something you can barter and do for her in exchange for improving your living situation?  Water her plants? Help with household stuff?

[boltnrun]

I was looking to move to a new neighborhood. Realistically, it took me four months to find a place. I had the same experience where apartments were being snapped up sight unseen. Some property management companies were requiring the full deposit to be paid before the unit was available for viewing! I refused to do that so I just had to hold out for something that didn't have that ridiculous requirement. And my persistence and patience paid off. I found a terrific apartment in the exact neighborhood I wanted for a decent price. 

I just kept telling myself "I don't NEED to move immediately. I can afford to wait for the right fit". And it all turned out great. I found that taking that pressure off of myself helped a lot.

I'm really glad you got out of the abusive relationship and are doing well on your own. 

[HungryGhost]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

This really helped that you wrote that even though I am supposed  to be helping you! Thanks! I am alone right now but only for a short time -it's not going to be a longer outing today unfortunately.  I understand about healthier options.  Is there any other way to approach your roommate? Is there maybe something you can barter and do for her in exchange for improving your living situation?  Water her plants? Help with household stuff?

Glad I could help!

I'm just really not interested in trying to make this situation work now that I don't have to. Believe me, i have done my fair share of roughing it and trying to get along with strangers in my living space, and now i'm done. I know exactly what I'm looking for, I'm just not getting it. I am seeking a way to stay sane and to go on believing that things will come together as I continue to compete and face a slew of rejections because that's all I can do to get out.

[HungryGhost]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I was looking to move to a new neighborhood. Realistically, it took me four months to find a place. I had the same experience where apartments were being snapped up sight unseen. Some property management companies were requiring the full deposit to be paid before the unit was available for viewing! I refused to do that so I just had to hold out for something that didn't have that ridiculous requirement. And my persistence and patience paid off. I found a terrific apartment in the exact neighborhood I wanted for a decent price. 

I just kept telling myself "I don't NEED to move immediately. I can afford to wait for the right fit". And it all turned out great. I found that taking that pressure off of myself helped a lot.

I'm really glad you got out of the abusive relationship and are doing well on your own. 

Thank you so much! It is really helpful to know that what I want to happen actually does happen! 

I have seen postings here from landlords saying that if you are interested, you have to apply, they will run your credit, and then they will choose someone and they can view it and decide if they want the place or not. I will not have my credit score ruined because landlords have too much power. That's another reason why I am trying so hard to stay with my current rental company. I confirmed with them that they only run a credit check for the person they are actively considering. If that person declines or doesn't pass the credit check, THEN they check the next one. Since I am confident about their apartments, I know I would take it anyway, so I'm not risking pointless hits to my score.

Do you have any other tips besides the mantra that you didn't NEED to move immediately? How did you get the pressure off of yourself? I struggle with that. I'm a bit of a perfectionist.

Thanks! I am very proud of myself for getting away from my abuser unscathed (physically, at least). It wasn't easy. My current temporary transition housing situation is the last of the aftermath of that nightmare. Once I sort this, I can completely put him behind me and just move forward. I'm really looking forward to it!

[Batya33]

What's stopping you from putting him completely behind you right now? Because if you find a new place and it's not to your liking will you tell yourself the same thing -that it's related to the past nightmare? I hope you can move on and it's so great you did! 

I think you keep busy with things that give you space and pleasure and enjoyment outside of your house right now and pivot to enjoying space in places like the library, coffee shops, in a park - and no need to rationalize just by your actions show yourself that you are strong enough to get out of your head and your stubbornness that you have to have a space that you rent or own to feel like it is comfortable and  yours. 

I shared my 550 square foot apartment for three months with: my new husband, my newborn and ALL of the newborn's stuff.  Yes yes I loved both of them but you know you can't really communicate with a newborn/infant about the space you need and how you'd like a couple of minutes of private time to pee. 

So if you want a family someday well this is good practice -I tend to perfectionist too - having that kind of adjustment so fast and how it affected my current housing situation made me evolve from type A/perfectionist stuff -not perfectly but at least gave me a run for my money.  

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, HungryGhost said:

Do you have any other tips besides the mantra that you didn't NEED to move immediately?

I also told myself to be realistic, and that it wasn't anything I was doing wrong. When I'd do a search and only six properties showed up as available, could I really do anything about that? Nope. That's just how it was. I also strongly believed that if I persisted I would find the right place. And I did. I'm sitting in my new apartment right now (moved in three days ago!). It was absolutely worth what I had to go through to find it.

So I recommend you just keep reminding yourself that you will find the right place and you will NOT settle. Don't jump into the wrong place just to be out of where you currently are or you'll likely regret it. Just keep searching until you find a good fit.

BTW, a credit inquiry from a property management company doesn't impact your credit score much at all. I had three inquiries and my score wasn't really impacted. Along with an increase in a credit card balance the inquiries caused my score to go down by one point.

I wish you good luck in your search.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I also told myself to be realistic, and that it wasn't anything I was doing wrong. When I'd do a search and only six properties showed up as available, could I really do anything about that? Nope. That's just how it was. I also strongly believed that if I persisted I would find the right place. And I did. I'm sitting in my new apartment right now (moved in three days ago!). It was absolutely worth what I had to go through to find it.

So I recommend you just keep reminding yourself that you will find the right place and you will NOT settle. Don't jump into the wrong place just to be out of where you currently are or you'll likely regret it. Just keep searching until you find a good fit.

BTW, a credit inquiry from a property management company doesn't impact your credit score much at all. I had three inquiries and my score wasn't really impacted. Along with an increase in a credit card balance the inquiries caused my score to go down by one point.

I wish you good luck in your search.

Congrats on your new home, Bolt!

OP, it’s true that hits from property management companies are not only low impact, any impact is temporary and clusters of them are a norm. 

Consider expanding your reach. It makes no sense to consider one thing a life changing priority only to put unnecessary barriers in front of that priority and become frustrated by the stagnation.

That’s the perfect definition of self sabotage, and all the mind techniques in the world won’t work on it, because part of you always knows when you’re getting in your own way.

We can’t really fool The Self.

[Wiseman2]

You're not in "crisis", it's just that you rushed into a bad place. Is this the place you moved to?:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/452427-boyfriend-not-speaking-to-me-what-should-i-do/page/5/#comment-5734934

 

[boltnrun]

I agree with @catfeederregarding the point that limiting your search to properties owned or managed by your current PM company is extremely restrictive. If you expand beyond that you will have a much better chance of finding a rental. And the impact to your credit score is miniscule if any.

[HungryGhost]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

What's stopping you from putting him completely behind you right now? Because if you find a new place and it's not to your liking will you tell yourself the same thing -that it's related to the past nightmare? I hope you can move on and it's so great you did! 

I think you keep busy with things that give you space and pleasure and enjoyment outside of your house right now and pivot to enjoying space in places like the library, coffee shops, in a park - and no need to rationalize just by your actions show yourself that you are strong enough to get out of your head and your stubbornness that you have to have a space that you rent or own to feel like it is comfortable and  yours. 

I shared my 550 square foot apartment for three months with: my new husband, my newborn and ALL of the newborn's stuff.  Yes yes I loved both of them but you know you can't really communicate with a newborn/infant about the space you need and how you'd like a couple of minutes of private time to pee. 

So if you want a family someday well this is good practice -I tend to perfectionist too - having that kind of adjustment so fast and how it affected my current housing situation made me evolve from type A/perfectionist stuff -not perfectly but at least gave me a run for my money.  

Oh, he is 100% in the past. Unless the odd piece of mail finds its way to him in which case I have him trained to leave it for me in his lobby so I can just grab it and go without seeing him. I'm just stuck with the aftermath which is a result of being in a desperate emergency situation. All the while I told myself this is only temporary, so I don't have to love it and I will get out as soon as I can. Now I can, but it's not happening!

You're right, I should make a point of getting out more to get my mind off it. I find when I do that, I do end up feeling better because I'm not obsessing.

I don't want a family. I'm done with dating and i don't want kids. Someday I would really like to get a pet when I am settled enough, but that's it.