Worried about a friend who is in a controlling relationship

[SJ85]

A close friend of mine seems to always get into the same relationship over and over. I have been friends with her for almost 10 years now and she always seems to get in relationships where her partner is controlling, abusive and rude to her and she just bends over backwards to please them.

She is now married to a guy that I always thought was not a good person. He gets into fights with random people out of nowhere when we would hang out with them as a couple still. We haven't in a while because he is just so abrasive. They fight over anything together too and she has changed so much. 

The most recent issue is that he was arrested for assaulting a police officer and is being charged with a felony. His trial date is in April and a part of me is hoping that he will be put in jail for her sake. 

Since they have been together she has changed her political views completely, changed her appearance, cut friends and even family out of her life, and is very negative about everything whenever we do hang out which is very rare nowadays. Before they got married and we were out at a restaurant or bar with girlfriends, he would just randomly show up where we were unannounced. Or like more recently, a group of us went away for the weekend without our SO's and he was constantly calling her or texting her. If they weren't texting or talking on the phone, she would track him using their Tesla tracker or the tracker on their dog's collar. Just very weird behavior.

I don't know what I can do to help her other than just to continue reaching out periodically and try to get her to hang out. She seems to only work and then stays home or only goes to see people who he essentially approves of. 

I've seen women in my family go through this type of relationship before and I worry that he is being abusive to her physically and other. 

Just not sure what to do...

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, SJ85 said:

I don't know what I can do to help her other than just to continue reaching out periodically and try to get her to hang out.

This is really all you can do, unforunately. 

She is making a choice to be with him, however unhealthy that choice is. Her problems run deeper than a friend can resolve, but you can continue to be a supportive ear for her when she needs it. 

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, SJ85 said:

she always seems to get in relationships where her partner is controlling, abusive and rude to her and she just bends over backwards to please them.

 

8 hours ago, SJ85 said:

If they weren't texting or talking on the phone, she would track him using their Tesla tracker or the tracker on their dog's collar. Just very weird behavior.

Yeah, I think there is enough evidence to support that he is not the only problem there and that she chooses them like that.

Anyway, there is nothing you can do. You confronting her would probably make her take his side and get away from you. You cant help somebody who doesnt want to be helped. Stay on the side unless she asks for help.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, SJ85 said:

. I have been friends with her for almost 10 years now  he was arrested for assaulting a police officer and is being charged with a felony. 

The best thing you can do is step away. It may seem counterintuitive, but clearly in the 10 years you've been friends, these have been her choices again and again and again.

Don't reach out or try to save her.  She has many options available to her if she wants changes and they have to come from inside her.

Do either of them have drug or alcohol issues? 

[SooSad33]

17 hours ago, SJ85 said:

Since they have been together she has changed her political views completely, changed her appearance, cut friends and even family out of her life, and is very negative about everything whenever we do hang out which is very rare nowadays. Before they got married and we were out at a restaurant or bar with girlfriends, he would just randomly show up where we were unannounced. Or like more recently, a group of us went away for the weekend without our SO's and he was constantly calling her or texting her. If they weren't texting or talking on the phone, she would track him using their Tesla tracker or the tracker on their dog's collar. Just very weird behavior.

Not a lot you can do, imo. Sounds like she is very dependant on anything that will give her some attention?  Or be so low on herself, that she feels, she deserves this type of treatment 😕 . There is also such thing as Grooming ( like she is been 'mentally taught' - So she may know, no better...)  " grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with someone so they can manipulate, exploit and/or abuse them". 

The thing is, she DOES have a choice.  But, it's up to her to act.  

As for her, she's also acting out,,, tracking him.

So, whatever is going on, you have no choice but to sit & wait on whenever you can talk/see her again.  Is very said though, to be on the sidelines & witness it all 😕 .

 

[catfeeder]

While I would avoid being a sounding board for complaints about him, which only serves as a pressure valve that can give her just enough relief to stay with him, therefore embedding her with him, I would certainly let her know each time I cut off such complaints that I’d like to keep our time together about enjoying one another, but if she ever wants my help for any reason, I’m available and willing.

The goal is to prevent her from being isolated while not feeding the drama that keeps her tied to him.

[SJ85]

On 10/21/2022 at 5:02 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Do either of them have drug or alcohol issues? 

Yes, he has been going to AA meetings because of his felony charge. She also struggles with drinking a lot but doesn't get into trouble like he does when she's drunk. But, she hasn't really been drinking since he was arrested as he has essentially told her she can't around him ever again... even though he posted a picture of himself in social media where he was drinking with friends. 

I did seriously consider not ever talking to her again, but she asked me to stand in her wedding and being that I was concerned for her safety, I decided to do it anyways. I am one of her only remaining close friends. Her cousin that is like a sister to her, she cut out because supposedly she was jealous of her. I know her cousin and how she felt about her husband, so I can only assume she twisted her words when retelling the story of how/why they don't speak anymore. 

When we met up last month, it was just her, another friend (who I consider my closest friend) and myself. She would randomly start crying when telling us about things going on in ber life and then essentially stop herself and say I don't know why I'm crying, things are great 😒...

Just so much denial 😪