Never enough

[poorlittlefish]

As we were walking past a wedding marquee in the first months of our relationship, my ex said "Shall we have that for our wedding?" A few months later he told me we'd never even live together.

Stupid me told myself I was happy with that, when I wasn't. We split up after 5 years and all the signs were there that he was seeing someone behind my back.

Don't become me! Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't care enough or share the same vision of your future. 

[Tinydance]

Well I think the main thing is he gave you a list of things why he would never marry you. Obviously he said those things because that's what he really thinks of you. So really how can the relationship ever come back from that? I think basically it's reached its end.

[Lambert]

21 hours ago, RebelHart said:

A few weeks ago my boyfriend asked me to marry him when he was blind drunk. I told him to ask me again when he was sober but the next day he was absolutely disgusted at the thought of marrying me and told me to never listen to anything he says when he's drunk. His reaction hurt me and it has been playing on my mind ever since. A few days ago I told him how he made me feel.

We've been together a year and earlier in the relationship he told me he wanted to marry me some day so naturally I thought someday it would be a possibility. I asked him why the thought of marrying me now seems like the worst thing in the world for him and what made him change his mind..... he had a list! A long list of reasons why he will never marry me. They are ridiculous things too. Things like in the first month of our relationship I told him I didn't want to be with him if he would stand by and allow his ex to be horrible to me for no reason after she sent abusive messages because their son messaged me and she didn't like that we were bonding. Or because I have depression/trauma from ex. My kids don't always clean up after themselves and I will clean it instead. 

I also told him after not to worry because I don't want to marry anyone who is so disgusted by me and he responded by saying "you might change your mind some day" which just confused me more. He doesn't want to marry me but wants me to want to marry him.

He won't marry me but is in a relationship with me. Wth? I've spent my whole life being told I'm not good enough and now someone else literally has a list of reasons why I am not good enough. 

Dump this guy! Why you would even listen to his list and put up with this crap is very confusing to me. 

I would write my own list with two words and I think you can guess what they are.  then leave it & his sorry butt behind. Never ever talk to him again. never!

You certainly are more than good enough.  You've just chose to date and be with guys that are not good. 

Ask yourself some hard questions.  Mainly why are you so willing to accept its you and not them?

Do you have a doctor? Can you ask them to refer you to a therapist? Are you religious? Can you talk to a member of the clergy? 

get away from this guy. today! 

[catfeeder]

If you’ve never felt like enough, that explains why you chose a man who’d also make you feel this way. It’s up to you to break the pattern.

The guy doesn’t even help with bills? Why would you stay with him, much less want to marry him?

Don’t mess yourself up over him, he’s not worth it. Make this your turning point and give him the boot!

[catfeeder]

You mention telling him that you should break up. I can’t speak for anyone else, but if someone ever said that to me, it would be over. I wouldn’t shoot myself in the foot by leaving a shared home before I could line up a place to live, but I’d certainly check out and plan my move out.

 I don’t think anything could redeem a relationship for me after that. I wouldn’t waste my time and money on couples counseling with someone who could drop such a bomb on me, because I could never trust that it wouldn’t land on me again next time I don’t walk a straight line. Who would want to live like that?

I’m so sorry you are hurting. If it’s a shared lease I’d focus my energies on finding a new place for myself that’s affordable, and I’d do my own work in counseling to build a new life and eventually find a love that feels like love instead of a war zone.

[RebelHart]

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You mention telling him that you should break up. I can’t speak for anyone else, but if someone ever said that to me, it would be over. I wouldn’t shoot myself in the foot by leaving a shared home before I could line up a place to live, but I’d certainly check out and plan my move out.

I didn't say I wanted to break up, I told him I wasn't sure I could be with someone who put his ex before me. His ex was sending abusive messages to me and to him about me just because their son was texting me. It was only memes and stuff but she didn't like that he was bonding with me and got jealous. She started saying she would stop him seeing his kid unless he saw him at his house alone and took the kids phone away. He didn't defend me and didn't stand upto her when she was making demands. Instead he started staying at his place when he had his kid. I told him I didn't know if I could be with someone who wouldn't defend me and would let his ex dictate our relationship and his life that way. If we are a couple I should be bonding with his kid. I could understand if I was awful to his kid and then him being kept away but it was literally just because we were bonding. His ex doesn't want him around me but when she needs a sitter so she can go for a night out and has no one else... guess who's good enough to be around the kid then? She even dropped their kid off at his flat alone when she knew he was at mine and we all had covid. She called him a terrible dad because he wouldnt leave my house when he had covid to go and be with their son that she had left alone outside a flat she knew was empty. We had to get him a taxi to us and he ended up sick too and she kicked off because he brought him to my house. She has tried multiple times to split us up and he never defends me but gets defensive if I point out what she's doing and defends her. Of course I am going to tell him I'm not sure I can be with someone who will allow that.

We don't technically live together. He has his own place but is at mine everyday and night so may aswell live with me. That's why he doesn't help with bills. I don't mind too much cause I know he still has to pay rent for his place but sometimes when it comes to energy bills and food I do get a bit fed up that I do it all my self when him and his kid use alot but I pay it all. (He has him at my house now.)

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, RebelHart said:

We don't technically live together. He has his own place but is at mine everyday and night so may aswell live with me. 

Sorry this is happening. Stop letting him camp out at your place, especially with his children.

As far as the children's mother, he can see his children when it's his turn legally wherever he wants, so He is the problem not the ex. Also people's children are more precious to them than people they just started dating.

 You need to block and delete  the children and their mother from your social media and messaging apps.  These two need to focus on co-parenting and those two and only those two have a say in the children's lives. You need to step way back from that

 As far as faux marriage proposals, don't let that allow you to let him camp out and use your place like a free BNB and revolving door. You need to reconsider being a crash pad for a guy who is insincere, gets you in the crossfire of his custody issues and other drama and chaos he's bringing into your life.

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, RebelHart said:

I didn't say I wanted to break up, I told him I wasn't sure I could be with someone who put his ex before me. His ex was sending abusive messages to me and to him about me just because their son was texting me. It was only memes and stuff but she didn't like that he was bonding with me and got jealous. She started saying she would stop him seeing his kid unless he saw him at his house alone and took the kids phone away. He didn't defend me and didn't stand upto her when she was making demands. Instead he started staying at his place when he had his kid. I told him I didn't know if I could be with someone who wouldn't defend me and would let his ex dictate our relationship and his life that way. If we are a couple I should be bonding with his kid. I could understand if I was awful to his kid and then him being kept away but it was literally just because we were bonding. His ex doesn't want him around me but when she needs a sitter so she can go for a night out and has no one else... guess who's good enough to be around the kid then? She even dropped their kid off at his flat alone when she knew he was at mine and we all had covid. She called him a terrible dad because he wouldnt leave my house when he had covid to go and be with their son that she had left alone outside a flat she knew was empty. We had to get him a taxi to us and he ended up sick too and she kicked off because he brought him to my house. She has tried multiple times to split us up and he never defends me but gets defensive if I point out what she's doing and defends her. Of course I am going to tell him I'm not sure I can be with someone who will allow that.

We don't technically live together. He has his own place but is at mine everyday and night so may aswell live with me. That's why he doesn't help with bills. I don't mind too much cause I know he still has to pay rent for his place but sometimes when it comes to energy bills and food I do get a bit fed up that I do it all my self when him and his kid use alot but I pay it all. (He has him at my house now.)

If he broke up with you, why is he still at your place?

[sweetlady]

On 10/19/2022 at 5:19 PM, RebelHart said:

A few weeks ago my boyfriend asked me to marry him when he was blind drunk. I told him to ask me again when he was sober but the next day he was absolutely disgusted at the thought of marrying me and told me to never listen to anything he says when he's drunk. His reaction hurt me and it has been playing on my mind ever since. A few days ago I told him how he made me feel.

We've been together a year and earlier in the relationship he told me he wanted to marry me some day so naturally I thought someday it would be a possibility. I asked him why the thought of marrying me now seems like the worst thing in the world for him and what made him change his mind..... he had a list! A long list of reasons why he will never marry me. They are ridiculous things too. Things like in the first month of our relationship I told him I didn't want to be with him if he would stand by and allow his ex to be horrible to me for no reason after she sent abusive messages because their son messaged me and she didn't like that we were bonding. Or because I have depression/trauma from ex. My kids don't always clean up after themselves and I will clean it instead. 

I also told him after not to worry because I don't want to marry anyone who is so disgusted by me and he responded by saying "you might change your mind some day" which just confused me more. He doesn't want to marry me but wants me to want to marry him.

He won't marry me but is in a relationship with me. Wth? I've spent my whole life being told I'm not good enough and now someone else literally has a list of reasons why I am not good enough. 

Just end it absolutely horrible. He sounds vile you wouldn't want to marry a man like this.

 

[JohnLee]

You need to leave him and work on yourself. You have low self esteem and the result is that you will settle with damaged people. "I've spent my whole life being told I'm not good enough and now someone else literally has a list of reasons why I am not good enough. "No decent partner will give you a list of what are wrong with you and still stay with you. A good partner will love you for what you are. 

I also have low self-esteem in relationships but I am working on changing myself and moving toward becoming a more confident person. I meditate, exercise, practice and play golf, walk in the park, read books and reach out to long lost friends. You need to take care of yourself and learn to love yourself first. Do what is best for you. Once you are more mentally healthy you will find a better partner.