When they come back after NC

[studentorteacher]

Kind of a long post to include the backstory.   My ex(37f) broke up with me (37m) in the spring.  We were together for 3 years, a few months long distance due to covid.   The reasons for her breaking up, to me, seemed to signal something beyond our relationship.   She said I wasn't what she expected and that I didn't text her enough.  That night she also expressed how she hated herself, her job, etc.   I spent most of that night comforting her. 

Next day we meet and I tell her to maybe just take a pause, not make any decision and see where we're at in a few days.  It was a good talk, some of it was me begging but I just thought there were fixable issues beyond us.  As I left for the night, she asked if I could stay to cuddle and then stay to sleep over.  Next day we spend the whole day together.   She says she never felt more connected to me.  After this we actually act like a couple, sleep together and hang out; then we had some separate trips planned and a month later, she tells me again she has been having a lot of feelings and wants to break up because she feels unworthy and that her heart is not in anything anymore.  She said she could stay in the relationship but it would be unfair.

I am more understanding now and basically meet up to let her go.  She wants to be friends but I said I don't know and who knows what a friendship would look like since we've never done it but I say she'll always be family to me.  Day after breakup she texts about how she's lucky to have me in her life.   I go NC though, respond whenever she texts.  I told her to not reach out on my birthday.  She didn't.  But a week after left a card and cookies she made at my door.   A few more months of NC but she reaches out with how are things or some random shares.  2 months later she again leaves some souvenirs from a trip at my door.

During the NC, I read a lot about attachment styles, communication skills, depression; reconnected with old friends, etc.  Been a mess some days too.  It's a difficult breakup because I honestly feel like our relationship was not done, that there was a more intense relationship within our relationship that was having difficulties blossoming after the honeymoon period.   I went on dates but either felt it was too soon or unfair to both parties. 

4 months after the BU when she comes back from another trip, that very day she texts, very subtly suggesting we meet up but I was out of town and later sick with covid.   A few weeks later she suggests that she would like to get drinks to catch up but if I wasn't comfortable she understands.  We plan this and meet up for drinks.   For this meetup though, she is dressed amazingly, like our first dates but even sexier.  Our catch-up went well, talking about our summers, family, etc.   The breakup or relationship or friendship wasn't brought up.  She said that she missed me.  I didn't say it back immediately, I went on a vague tangent about being apart and could see her visibly disappointed I wasn't saying it back but I did get there and told her I missed her too.   She suggested we could get together and make our own cocktails at her place sometime or play some video games online together.

She bought me a drink on this date (just like on our first date) and at the end put on chapstick and offered me a mint (mayyybe I'm reading too much into this part though).   However, we have a good hug at her car and end it there.   

Since then we are still texting, not as often as we did together but a bit every other day or so with some days of silence.   She took initiative and invited me to play some games and for now it's mainly been texts and games since she's out of town.  (We take a lot of trips to see family).

 

Is there any advice on how to navigate this or things to keep  in mind?   Is this a good path?   I know exes are rare to explicitly say they made a mistake and want you back immediately.   I like to think of these as really good signs but honestly don't want to turn them into surefire signs because I feel like I need to protect my heart from the pain if that's not the case.    I think things may be clearer in future meet ups more rather than via texts.   I don't want to add pressure or ultimatums.   If something can slowly develop, that's fine but I think if it comes to a halt of her just wanting friendship then it'll feel like the breakup all over again. 

 

 

 

[Kwothe28]

I think she does wants you or at least doesnt want to let you go. She even went out of the way to give you presents and dressed up amazingly for your date and put on the effort for you to notice. All the signs are more or less there.

However, I dont think you should take her back. Wishy- washy people have an amazing ability to be just that, wishy- washy. One time she is there and everything is fine, tomorrow she is not and you are not what she desires because "you dont text her enough for her to see how you care". Youve already experienced her behaving like that few months ago. There are no signs that would remotely change. And you taking her back would probably result in more pain.

Dont take her back. Heal properly and after you heal, try to meet somebody who will not behave like her. Also go real "No contact" this time. Not "I am no contact but accepting her messages and answer her". 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, studentorteacher said:

s there any advice on how to navigate this or things to keep  in mind?   Is this a good path?   I know exes are rare to explicitly say they made a mistake and want you back immediately.   I like to think of these as really good signs but honestly don't want to turn them into surefire signs because I feel like I need to protect my heart from the pain if that's not the case.    I think things may be clearer in future meet ups more rather than via texts.   I don't want to add pressure or ultimatums.   If something can slowly develop, that's fine but I think if it comes to a halt of her just wanting friendship then it'll feel like the breakup all over again.

No need to analyze what "exes" generally do -people are individuals - and no need to try to pick apart "signs". If she wanted to be with you exclusively she would be.  She would want to be simple and direct to make 100% sure you didn't get snapped up by someone else.  She wants you around when the thrill of the chase is exciting to her.  She likes playing at being a couple. 

I also went back and forth -same age as she was  - in a 7 year on again off again relationship.  I had doubts, we'd break up and get back together but I was always straight up with him as far as what I wanted and what I didn't.  Sometimes we got back together and sometimes we dated casually (we did that once -mostly a disaster).  But I did love him, I didn't make him read "signs" and I felt like I was reading "signs" when we casually dated and that was really unhealthy.  We simply were not right together for marriage.  Love was not enough.  I was mostly the wishy washy one and it was unfair of me to ask him to get back together I suppose although each time I thought I had resolved my doubts.  But she is basically throwing you crumbs and having fun keeping things exciting and keeping you on your toes.  It's not conducive to long term.

I married my ex fiancee 11 years after our cancelled wedding. We got back together almost 8 years after breaking up.  Our getting back together was extremely direct. We had two platonic get togethers- no game playing - over a 2-3 week period. 

Then on our third meet up two weeks later (he'd been out of town and made the plan two weeks in advance) there were no signs to read.  He asked me if I wanted to get back together. I was overwhelmed -so many emotions! - and I think I waited 60-90 seconds before responding and my response was "Yes!" 

What followed was a 2-3 minute conversation about what we both wanted from getting back together and we ascertained we wanted exactly the same things. And we followed through on those things.   So I don't buy your notion of what exes generally do. 

People who generally want to be together and are single and available (we were) act in a straightforward direct way so they can get what they want -to be together exclusively.  Whether they are exes or first dating or whatever. 

People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  Time for self-honesty for  you -she doesn't want this badly enough -if she did it would be direct and crystal clear.  I'm sorry you're disappointed.  Be friends only if you're cool hearing about who she is pursuing to date.  

[MissCanuck]

You need to have an honest conversation with her, OP. 

Ask her what she wants. If it's anything short of a path to reconcile, let her go and block her. She can't keep dropping into your life if her intention is not to get back together. 

 

[JoyfulCompany]

Wishy-washy is spot on.
She never stated - "I want us back together. I did this and that to improve my situation and make sure we don't fall into the same pattern of me backing up anymore."

9 hours ago, studentorteacher said:

exes are rare to explicitly say they made a mistake and want you back immediately

I've actually did that once. I did it only once because I really wanted it only once (and the breakup was entirely my stupid mistake). I was a shy teenager back then. But people are neither stupid, nor shy when it comes to what they really want. Someone who wants you as a partner wouldn't risk you meeting someone else or being misunderstood about their intentions.

I've also done the "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" but I didn't mind hanging out and making out. Why did I do it? Because it felt good to me and they would let me do it. I'm not proud of it. I eventually stopped it.

I think she's very confused, selfish and seeking out validation at the moment (I've been there). I think she hasn't done much soul searching since her last issues. And if you continue being that available to her, you're going to get a lot more "gifts" from the mixed signals bag. What I'm afraid you won't be getting is a committed relationship.

I understand that relationships and breakups are not always a straight line. But you can choose to opt out of the back-and-forth pattern. If you want to be with her, I think it's enough to state that clear and tell her to reach out only if and when she wants the same. No friendship, no catching up, no texting, no cocktails, no games.
If she continues with messaging - block her.
If she continues leaving stuff at your door you can take them or throw them away but not reach out.
She knows where to find you.

You can't cling onto hope forever. It takes out of your time and emotional resources, things you will never get back. It prolongs healing and slims chances of meeting someone else and being ready to commit (as you've noticed yourself).

[SooSad33]

On 10/17/2022 at 4:49 PM, studentorteacher said:

Next day we spend the whole day together.   She says she never felt more connected to me.  After this we actually act like a couple, sleep together and hang out; then we had some separate trips planned and a month later, she tells me again she has been having a lot of feelings and wants to break up because she feels unworthy and that her heart is not in anything anymore.  She said she could stay in the relationship but it would be unfair.

I am more understanding now and basically meet up to let her go.  She wants to be friends but I said I don't know and who knows what a friendship would look like since we've never done it but I say she'll always be family to me.  Day after breakup she texts about how she's lucky to have me in her life.   I go NC though, respond whenever she texts.  I told her to not reach out on my birthday.  She didn't.  But a week after left a card and cookies she made at my door.

Remember that.... she does not have it in her to be in a relationship ( the push & pull).  This is instability.

No, I don't think you should be responding to her or meeting up at all- this is only holding you back from letting go, healing & moving on....

As for your future with her, I say no.

What exactly has happened re: her or either of you dealing with reason's for the BU?  Has she looked into getting some prof help ?

On 10/17/2022 at 4:49 PM, studentorteacher said:

she also expressed how she hated herself, her job, etc.

She seems quite negative about life 😕 . This will continue I'm sure.

So, is it just best to leave it all alone now and focus on YOU?

For me, in a situation like this its 'all or nothing'.  I realized I couldn't just 'accept' little nothings!