Am I too insecure?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Beargirl201 said:

We decided that I’d go down to visit him tomorrow actually. And I do agree with you, I definitely think he has a crush on her. If he doesn’t act on it, I think we may be able to work though it though.

But what would this work look like and what specifically would you work on? Why do you think it would require "work" - if you two want to be together exclusively then it's not work to continue to choose to be together, is it? I mean I crushed on a local radio personality for awhile -never had any contact with him just had one of those fan crushes I guess.  It faded and now I still like listening to him on the radio, or seeing him on TV but not in any "crush" way.  Took no work.  Because it shouldn't take work to want to be with your partner and choose your partner over a crush.

If you mean work by working on rationalizing that you feel comfortable with his crush because your worries that all the time he spends with her is playing with fire are just "worries" and not real - then yes that's a ton of work.  Unproductive work.  Either you trust him or you don't and  trust him to act appropriately or you don't.

It's fine if you tell him "I am not comfortable with all the time you are spending with her because I think it gives her the impression you are single or looking to be single" and if he responds "you know, I didn't see it that way but you're right -it's leading her on and I want to be with you" -it's all good.  And no work involved.  If instead he pushes back and wants you to "work" on being more accommodating about his "friend" that is him asking you to do work not the two of you doing work.

I'd be really careful about settling for a situation where it requires "work" for one person to behave consistently with being in a committed relationship which was your status quo -before he met her.

[Beargirl201]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But what would this work look like and what specifically would you work on? Why do you think it would require "work" - if you two want to be together exclusively then it's not work to continue to choose to be together, is it? I mean I crushed on a local radio personality for awhile -never had any contact with him just had one of those fan crushes I guess.  It faded and now I still like listening to him on the radio, or seeing him on TV but not in any "crush" way.  Took no work.  Because it shouldn't take work to want to be with your partner and choose your partner over a crush.

If you mean work by working on rationalizing that you feel comfortable with his crush because your worries that all the time he spends with her is playing with fire are just "worries" and not real - then yes that's a ton of work.  Unproductive work.  Either you trust him or you don't and  trust him to act appropriately or you don't.

It's fine if you tell him "I am not comfortable with all the time you are spending with her because I think it gives her the impression you are single or looking to be single" and if he responds "you know, I didn't see it that way but you're right -it's leading her on and I want to be with you" -it's all good.  And no work involved.  If instead he pushes back and wants you to "work" on being more accommodating about his "friend" that is him asking you to do work not the two of you doing work.

I'd be really careful about settling for a situation where it requires "work" for one person to behave consistently with being in a committed relationship which was your status quo -before he met her.

Thank you so much for your advice, this is really helpful and has given me a lot to think about. I don’t want to be the only one making compromises in the relationship so I’ll definitely tell him that I feel uncomfortable and my point of view, and if he does push back and wants me to do all of the work then I think ending the relationship would be better for the both of us moving forward. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Beargirl201 said:

Thank you so much for your advice, this is really helpful and has given me a lot to think about. I don’t want to be the only one making compromises in the relationship so I’ll definitely tell him that I feel uncomfortable and my point of view, and if he does push back and wants me to do all of the work then I think ending the relationship would be better for the both of us moving forward. 

So the work is a compromise ? Like what “it’s ok to see her if we double date?” “It’s ok to see her in a group “? Consider if you want that dynamic with him especially long distance.  And his compromise would be seeing her less ? Not one on one ? And these compromises require effort - I mean the effort we all make when making a choice - but “work?”  
Last night my husband was engrossed in a TV show and tired so I did the cleaning up stuff he usually does.  He would have but much later which didn’t work for me. It felt like work because it was extra work. 10 minutes or so but a time of day I’m just so fried.
I chose to be quiet recognizing he’d had a long day and was really enjoying his show even texting with his cousin about it. That’s kind of the work of a relationship.  Give and take.

But when he asked me in 2005 not to meet with a platonic male friend an hour before we all were going to meet (him meeting my male friend for the first time) I recognized that my loyalty was with him even though I didn’t quite get what the issue was.
 

 it didn’t feel like work. Or even a compromise. It simply felt like the normal way people in love navigate situations that trigger the priority of your partner over a friend even if it seems like a non issue to you. We’ve had that sort of issue exactly zero times after that one and only time. And we both have platonic friends of the opposite gender. 

[Beargirl201]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

So the work is a compromise ? Like what “it’s ok to see her if we double date?” “It’s ok to see her in a group “? Consider if you want that dynamic with him especially long distance.  And his compromise would be seeing her less ? Not one on one ? And these compromises require effort - I mean the effort we all make when making a choice - but “work?”  
Last night my husband was engrossed in a TV show and tired so I did the cleaning up stuff he usually does.  He would have but much later which didn’t work for me. It felt like work because it was extra work. 10 minutes or so but a time of day I’m just so fried.
I chose to be quiet recognizing he’d had a long day and was really enjoying his show even texting with his cousin about it. That’s kind of the work of a relationship.  Give and take.

But when he asked me in 2005 not to meet with a platonic male friend an hour before we all were going to meet (him meeting my male friend for the first time) I recognized that my loyalty was with him even though I didn’t quite get what the issue was.
 

 it didn’t feel like work. Or even a compromise. It simply felt like the normal way people in love navigate situations that trigger the priority of your partner over a friend even if it seems like a non issue to you. We’ve had that sort of issue exactly zero times after that one and only time. And we both have platonic friends of the opposite gender. 

That’s a good point. Honestly I’ve never been in a long term relationship before and I don’t really have any parental figures to talk to about this, so all this advice is really helpful, I appreciate it!

And we had a long video call and he said he wouldn’t hang out with this girl anymore because ‘I was more important to him’ and he understood why it made me uncomfortable. And he gave me the girl’s name and her Instagram so I could know who she was. I think visiting him and just seeing how things go is the next step x

[lostandhurt]

Could it be that your bf is clueless?  He is 23 and doesn't sound all that experienced with boundaries within a committed relationship.

 I am not saying what he did was okay but everyone makes mistakes and this could be just that.  Does he think she is pretty?  Yes, should he have told you that several times?  Absolutely not. Could he have some sort of crush on her?  Maybe but talking things out is the smart move.  Far to often you will see people tell someone "Dump them" which is so easy when they are not in love with the person.

If you believe he said those things to make you jealous or hurt you in any way then yes it may be time to end this but if you feel like he was just being an insensitive jerk then expressing how you feel and allowing him to make it right should be your first step.

 Meeting this girl and seeing what is really going on is best for your peace of mind and so you and your bf can talk about boundaries.

 Funny how some people say opposite sex friends are great and no problem until they become a problem...

Give him a chance to learn and grow and if he fails then you can end things knowing you showed grace.

 Lost

[boltnrun]

I have plenty of opposite sex friends. I am sleeping with none of them. I am not interested in sleeping with any of them. And they are not interested in sleeping with me.

However we don't go on and on about each other and we don't spend all our free time together and we don't travel together.

I would definitely go forward with visiting tomorrow. I would ask to meet her. If he refuses or introduces you as his "friend", you have a decision to make.

Two stories: a guy I used to date met a woman who was a coworker of his friend. When I met her he introduced me as his "bestest friend" even though we'd been together for over two years. Big time red flag. Spoiler alert, yes, he did sleep with her.

Also, my cousin had a long term girlfriend. They didn't live together. He had a spare bedroom in his apartment and a friend of his asked if his cousin and her daughter could rent the room from him. He agreed. Well... he's now married to the cousin's friend. They have two children. Apparently proximity led to attraction and then marriage, and the former girlfriend got left behind.

So just keep your eyes open and observe. Ask questions if you have them but don't interrogate or accuse. If something's off you'll likely be able to sense it.

[moodindigo91]

Hi, I see there have been lots of responses to this already, and I haven't read them all. I'm sure they are very good. Personally, I lived WITH a boyfriend when this exact kind of thing started happening right under my nose with our female neighbor, who would continuously insert herself into our lives. They were essentially flirting with each other while he would look me right in the face and say it wasn't flirting. But I was not born yesterday and neither were you. Long story short, our relationship ended, and I moved out. They announced their relationship shortly afterward and actually got married. Sooooooooo, I don't think you're being insecure at all and maybe you should have a talk with your boyfriend. 

[Beargirl201]

15 hours ago, moodindigo91 said:

Hi, I see there have been lots of responses to this already, and I haven't read them all. I'm sure they are very good. Personally, I lived WITH a boyfriend when this exact kind of thing started happening right under my nose with our female neighbor, who would continuously insert herself into our lives. They were essentially flirting with each other while he would look me right in the face and say it wasn't flirting. But I was not born yesterday and neither were you. Long story short, our relationship ended, and I moved out. They announced their relationship shortly afterward and actually got married. Sooooooooo, I don't think you're being insecure at all and maybe you should have a talk with your boyfriend. 

I’m really sorry that happened to you, and thank you so much for sharing and your advice! I really appreciate it! ❤️

[Beargirl201]

Okay so just to update you all, I’m with him now and he didn’t seem nervous or anxious about me visiting at all, and he introduced me to some of his other class friends as well as this girl as his girlfriend. And he actually didn’t seem uncomfortable about me meeting her. The girl was kind of mean to me though and made a few backhanded comments towards his and my relationship, which was a little uncomfortable. 

Me and him have agreed to have a long conversation later just to get it out in the open, so I’ll let you know how it goes. 💛

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Beargirl201 said:

Okay so just to update you all, I’m with him now and he didn’t seem nervous or anxious about me visiting at all, and he introduced me to some of his other class friends as well as this girl as his girlfriend. And he actually didn’t seem uncomfortable about me meeting her. The girl was kind of mean to me though and made a few backhanded comments towards his and my relationship, which was a little uncomfortable. 

Me and him have agreed to have a long conversation later just to get it out in the open, so I’ll let you know how it goes. 💛

She probably thought she was his girlfriend.

And unless he made it clear, she is trying to insert herself.

He needs to stop spending so much time with her. Set boundaries. Otherwise he risks losing you.

[lostandhurt]

23 minutes ago, Beargirl201 said:

The girl was kind of mean to me though and made a few backhanded comments towards his and my relationship, which was a little uncomfortable.

So what?  Obviously she is threatened by your presence since she craves attention. She sounds like the one that is insecure. 

You are handling this whole situation so very well and you come across to me as very secure and smart.

  Don't be shy about telling your bf what you think is acceptable in any relationship you are in and then ask him what he thinks is acceptable.  If you can find common ground great but if your boundaries are to far apart then...

  Lost

[MissCanuck]

I think your boyfriend probably this girl the impression that he likes her, and his behaviour up until now would support that. Spending all your free time with someone and talking about going on trips together would lead any woman to think there might be something more there. 

Now she finds out you exist and is not pleased. That's going to be her problem to deal with, but I would keep your eyes and ears open with this boyfriend of yours as well. He has some flimsy boundaries and this might not the be the last time you have to deal with the consequences of that. 

[Andrina]

Relationship boundaries should have been discussed at the moment you two were deciding to become exclusive. But it's better late than never.

Really think about, in detail, what you will be comfortable with--not what you think the norm is for other people, because people differ on that subject matter. But the one person who has to match you is your partner, and if he doesn't, this relationship will never work.

Think about if you two can exchange phone numbers with new friends of the opposite sex or not. If your partner can spend one on one time with a friend of the opposite sex or not. Anything you can now visualize that could happen, make yourself clear on your comfort levels and what is not acceptable. 

At this moment, I'd also be looking at how he handled that woman being "mean" to you. Did he not have your back and speak up? What exactly did she say and what was his response?