Several AMAZING dates, 1 bad date, not pursuing

[gq7mss]

What do you all think of this message?

Hey xxxxxxxx. I know I blew our last date. It was unacceptable, completely out of character and I will not let that happen again. I'm still interesting in getting to know you. That being said would you down to get together for dinner?

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

What do you all think of this message?

Hey xxxxxxxx. I know I blew our last date. It was unacceptable, completely out of character and I will not let that happen again. I'm still interesting in getting to know you. That being said would you down to get together for dinner?

Have you sent this message yet?

Asking if she's "down to get together for dinner" is not asking her out on a date. It sounds like two homies meeting up at the wing place to drink beer and watch football.

Is there a reason why you don't want to ask her on an actual date? Is it because you fear she'll.reject you?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

What do you all think of this message?

Hey xxxxxxxx. I know I blew our last date. It was unacceptable, completely out of character and I will not let that happen again. I'm still interesting in getting to know you. That being said would you down to get together for dinner?

Do Not send this. She has your contact info. She already knows 'it won't happen again' which is why she is ignoring your texts. Stop smothering. Let the dust settle.

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do Not send this. She has your contact info. She already knows 'it won't happen again' which is why she is ignoring your texts. Stop smothering. Let the dust settle.

My vote too. 

You already tried to ask her out, and she ignored you, OP. What do you feel repeating yourself will accomplish? 

[gq7mss]

I have not sent this message, I was waiting to get feedback from you all.

Well if she knows it won't happen again then I'd imagine she would text as it was an isolated incident and again she made it clear she loved my energy prior to that date.

This is a women who went from VERY hot to cold after that date.  Prior to it, she invited me over after our first hang out, cooked a fancy dinner for me, had me spend the night, and essentially spent two weeks together with the entire weekend from Friday-Sunday without leaving each-other. 

I been with enough women to know she had high interest and also know it can flip very quickly. It doesn't matter how I feel about her but how she feels about me.

Sure maybe it's not worth shooting a message but what's the worst harm that comes from asking her out again. Rejection?  Do I really maintain some sense of "honor" by not messaging her.

The last time I messaged her was a week and 3 days ago.  

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

Do I really maintain some sense of "honor" by not messaging her.

It has nothing to do with honour, but rather learnng to take the hint when someone is not interested anymore and letting them be. 

 

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

This is a women who went from VERY hot to cold after that date.

And you know why. This has sort become a game of trying to "win" her back. It's about your ego more than her. She was crystal clear where she stood on this and that was confirmed by her icing you out, not responding etc.

[catfeeder]

45 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

Sure maybe it's not worth shooting a message but what's the worst harm that comes from asking her out again. Rejection?  Do I really maintain some sense of "honor" by not messaging her.

The last time I messaged her was a week and 3 days ago.  

I hear. You're right about having zero to lose at this point. Since you're okay with that, I'd skip the limp message and opt for Kwothe's suggestion of a Hail Mary bouquet.

Go the extra mile to ensure that it's delivered in a vase so she won't come home to a dried out arrangement.

I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, gq7mss said:

What do you all think of this message?

You already said the same before. Without any grand gesture(yeah yeah I know most of others are against it) and showing that you mean it about apology and that you care to see her again if she would like that, I dont see it work. Even with flowers its "Hail Mary" type of situation. Meaning that its slim but at least you know that you gave your best shot to apologize for your mistake no matter what answer is. 

[catfeeder]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You already said the same before. Without any grand gesture(yeah yeah I know most of others are against it) and showing that you mean it about apology and that you care to see her again if she would like that, I dont see it work. Even with flowers its "Hail Mary" type of situation. Meaning that its slim but at least you know that you gave your best shot to apologize for your mistake no matter what answer is. 

Yep, it's also known as the 'Grovel Bouquet' for this reason. It's NOT guaranteed to work, but it's a step above repeating yourself with bad grammar and nothing to demonstrate that you're willing to walk your talk.

Words are lame, and one more message will only come off as whining. Not a good look.

[gq7mss]

I can't take her last text which was warm at face value "hey love, sorry I been really busy but we can get together next week" as some positive sign.  I responded to that and said "let's set a definite date, what day is good for you?". 

If she wanted to see me she would have responded to it.  Unless somehow she never saw the text or just somehow "forgot" about it. 

Seems like everyone thinks I should just let it be.  Someone said it's about my ego, the ego exists in all things. I can't completely deny that you're not wrong about trying to win her back, why would I not want to when we had something great going. 

Here is what it really is form my perspective, we have similar views on life, she's a 10/10 physically imo, we had loads in common, and we had a very electric chemistry on our dates w/ the potential for a lot more. 

I think everyone pretty much has convinced me to let it be. The odds that the text message evokes something differently out of her is very low. Women are like cats, they'll come and go as they please and only care how they feel about you not how you feel for them.

Anyway thanks for anyone who took time out there day to respond to this.

 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

Unless somehow she never saw the text or just somehow "forgot" about it. 

Nah. A woman who is really into you isn't going to "forget" about your date invitation. 

And you're reading way too much into her use of "love" in addressing you. It's a throw-away word in some vernaculars, so I wouldn't assign it that much meaning. 

[gq7mss]

Fair enough, life goes on :). 

[boltnrun]

I'm sorry, but I am really not agreeing with sending her flowers. Something like that isn't going to make a woman who's not interested suddenly interested. It isn't going to be all "aw, that's so SWEET! I changed my mind, I'll go out with him again after all!" I would see it as distinctly UNwelcome and borderline obsessive.

A guy I'd decided to stop dating sent me an email declaring his love. It wasn't nice, I admit, but I laughed. I found it frankly pathetic. That email wasn't going to change my mind.

Don't allow her physical attributes to lead you to do something that is undignified. Stepping away and NOT continuing to pursue is a lot more attractive than groveling or sending gifts.

As they say, plenty of fish in the sea. It's likely you'll meet someone who will having you shaking your head at the thought you once saw this woman as the ultimate.

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

Women are like cats, they'll come and go as they please and only care how they feel about you not how you feel for them.

And I find this comment to be puzzling and actually demeaning. I'm going to presume it's coming from a place of bruised ego and not your true beliefs regarding women and their conduct while dating and in relationships.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, gq7mss said:

Women are like cats, they'll come and go as they please and only care how they feel about you not how you feel for them.

Have you dated cats? 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, gq7mss said:

Women are like cats, they'll come and go as they please and only care how they feel about you not how you feel for them.

That's a chip on your shoulder that's only going to poison your future attempts at relationships.

ALL people view others through our own unique lens, and we all make decisions based on our own feelings.

Nobody 'owes' us reciprocity of our feelings.

If you don't work through your resentment, consider it like drinking poison just to make a point that's not even accurate.

Instead, consider what you can learn about maturing into a more responsible person. This will be required of you by any woman with self respect. No woman worth having will be impressed by frat-boy style behavior and entitlement.

Head high, we all learn from mistakes--or not. It's a decision.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, gq7mss said:

she's a 10/10 physically imo, we had loads in common, and we had a very electric chemistry on our dates w/ the potential for a lot more. 

So she is just a trophy for you to try to "win" back? If you cared about her you would not have blown off the date in favor of getting drunk with your friends. She knows this. Park your ego before it gets you in more trouble.

[gamon]

7 hours ago, gq7mss said:

Hey xxxxxxxx. I know I blew our last date. It was unacceptable, completely out of character and I will not let that happen again.

Who says it was completely out of character? You? Why should she believe that? If anything that's exactly who you are, why would you expect her to think anything different? Did the stars align and that's why you got so drunk and rude for the only time in your life that will ever happen? C'mon man that doesn't even come close to making sense and it's insulting to her and anyone else who reads it or listens to your excuses that you think they'll accept it as reality.

Your actions speak volumes more than your words ever will.

This whole thing was painful to read.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry, but I am really not agreeing with sending her flowers.

I agree. 

Do not get desperate and send flowers. It's too much for a woman you barely know who is ignoring you. 

[gamon]

On 8/30/2022 at 8:21 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I might suggest a "Hail Mary" of a sort. How about sending a nice bouquet of flowers to her work or home? With a nice message ofcourse.

I scrolled back after reading a few posts to see who the "flower sender" idea came from.

Sorry but in situations like this sending flowers is just lame.

[Kwothe28]

4 minutes ago, gamon said:

Sorry but in situations like this sending flowers is just lame.

I dunno, I think its worth a try. He has screwed up so at least he can apologize properly if he means it. Sending a message is empty words, this would at least show her that he cares enough to do it properly. If she cant accept that, that is OK. Even if she also thinks that its lame, its also OK. Whats important is that he knows that he tried his best shot to fix the situation. And that he can leave it alone.

I never had issues with giving flowers. Whether its for dates, relationship or even saying sorry. It was always perceived well. Certanly dont think he would be called "stalker" just because he tried to apologize with it with a girl who dated him and now on a fence. Maybe doesnt change a thing. But it cant really hurt.

[gamon]

23 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, I think its worth a try. He has screwed up so at least he can apologize properly if he means it.

How can he apologize for being himself if he can't even accept that's who he is? Look at it from her perspective. She's a hot, desirable woman who has guys chasing her left and right. Like most attractive women, she's had a lot of dates, and most or all have been just bad. She's met a small handful of guys over the years, maybe had a few relationships, but here she is, single and jaded, and not so fast to trust or open up to a guy.

So she meets the Op, and thinks "wow, i met a guy who really has potential", she gets her hopes up, really starts opening up to him and developing feelings and after what was it, 2 weeks and 3 dates, he gets drunk and shows his true colors, while denying that's who he is and proclaiming that it was a "one time thing" that will never happen again- why wouldn't it? He certainly didn't offer up any reasons why he suddenly did a 180 from being such a nice, regular, responsible respectful guy and did a once in a lifetime stupid irresponsible thing on a typical weekend that deviated from how he generally lives his life and operates as a human being.

She's a smart woman, she knows this is who he is, she knows that of course it will happen again. He's a rude, disrespectful, irresponsible selfish drunk, and he's not the sort of guy she wants any sort of future with. Once again she's disappointed, even more jaded, she made it CLEAR that she's done with him, and for good reason. Even now he won't respect her wishes and continues to reach out to her because he's thinking only of himself. On here he speaks negatively about women in general. He lacks character, and she's a smart, experienced woman who sees this.

Now imagine she's sitting there feeling stung yet again, thinking about how yet another prospective relationship partner turned out to be yet another huge disappointment, trying to focus on other things, and a bouquet of flowers shows up from him.

She'd probably toss them in the garbage, it would do nothing to change her mind and probably just add insult to injury.

[Lambert]

the message still sounds like you're not really admitting any wrong doing and completely casual. 

An apology should not include "are you down for..."

That's a friendly, informal word not a true offer of a date. very cringe worthy. 

I imagine a woman that was turned off by your drunken stuper is going to be equally turned off by this, roll her eyes at this lame message and delete.

She may have been very hot for you and done some nice things, but that before you made a fool of yourself and ruined her impression of you.  I actually think this woman is right to see these red flags and decide "yeah I'm moving on". 

You acted poorly and now its been over a week!  

The best thing for her, is to let her be.... but  if you want to apologize properly, you call her. tell her you plan to apologize and would appreciate the opportunity to show her you can do better. 

Scrap the "it's out of character" and other excuses.

If you're not willing to humble yourself and be contrite, don't bother.

[gamon]

18 hours ago, gq7mss said:

I been with enough women to know she had high interest and also know it can flip very quickly. It doesn't matter how I feel about her but how she feels about me.

I can't imagine why this keeps happening to you.