Childish, selfish and untrustworthy ex but i love her

[Gaz]

Here is my problem, I met this girl nine months ago, me at 24 and her 17, we dated for 8 months and in that time I have never been treated so badly and known someone so selfish. She would always expect things from me, expecting me to pay for this and that, expecting me to pick her up any time night or day, basically only doing things that suited her. The reason I put up with it for so long is she was genuinely great to be with but her attitude stinks, and if I would ever do something she didnt like or refuse to do something she wanted it would cause a big argument where she would often just walk away in fustration and not be willing to communicate. I would always be the one to talk and sort out our problems. We used to argue almost every.

So it went on like that for a few months and then she had an argument with her mum and she kicked her out so I said she could move in with me, I also bought her clothes, a phone and much more, always doing everything for her and her rarely doing anything for me.

She would take advantage of me often. She would borrow money of me swearing to pay it back and never do. She bought a car of me and still hasnt paid me for that. Often she would go off with her friends without even inviting me and things like that.

She would also lie quite often about silly things and some things she didnt want me to know, never trusting me to tell me. She would always lie to her mum and dad and friends and be very convincing, and getting herself into trouble quite often. Eventually I got sick of being treated like you know what and I split up with her, it was just getting worse and worse and we would just argue all the time.

I think that she has a bad attitude problem and serious trust/communucation issues but there is nothing I can do to change that, I really love this girl but I cant deal with her attitude, I have tried talking to her about it but it just leads to her getting very annoyed and defensive and her basically switching off.

Because we live together also I expect her to tidy her own mess help out with the washing up etc, she RARELY does any cleaning or tidying for me and she is not paying me a penny rent.

She owes me £800 and every time we argue she threatens to not pay me back and I really do need the money but if it is at the cost of our relationship then is it worth it?

I dont know why I put up with her is it her age? Can I help her with this attitude problem?

She insists she loves me but she treats me quite badly, why is this? I am so confused I dont know what to think anymore.

I think she is one of the most emotionally confused persons I have ever known but she has had a difficult past being taken advantage of sexually in a past relationship and being bullied at school. She also had to deal with an abortion a year ago which is still very hard for her.

 

I want to help her but is it my place to? How can I ever trust her if she always lies to me and hides things from me and how do we stop arguing if she is not prepared to make the effort? I feel emotionally drained and depressed over all this and often am left wondering what to do so any help would be appreciated greatly. I really would not have time to tell you everything there is so much more...

 

One more thing is that she is very dependant on me and we still have sex regularly and can often be quite intimate when we are not arguing but we ARE NOT together, this is strange I know but that is us...please help.

[Gaz]

Her attitude is `Im not doing it unless Im getting something out of it` or `Im going to have a little tantrum if I dont get what I want`, its a kin to living with a moody child. AAARRRGGHHH HELP

[DN]

Some rules to live by:

 

Never stay with someone who causes you more pain than pleasure.

 

Never take advantage of anyone and never allow anybody to take advantage of you.

 

Never be in any sort of relationship with someone who abuses you, physically or emotionally.

 

Never let money stand in the way of doing the right thing.

[Gaz]

Some good advice thanks, its just harder in practice than theory.

[Gaz]

So do you think I should just give up on her or hang in there and see if she will change? I feel emotionally tied to her and a little responsible for her.

[DN]

Some good advice thanks, its just harder in practice than theory.

 

of course, but that does not mean that you should not follow it just because it is hard.

[lil kitty]

this 17 year old girl sound just like me. i am 17 too and i also acted just like her. i know exactly what you been through and how you feel b/c my boyfriend also have to meet every need and demand that i lay out for him. but the only thing that is different between her and me is that i do love my boyfriend and i would never borrow my boyfriend money and would pay it back. also i would never go anywhere without telling my boyfriend or without inviting him b/c i love him and i know that he would worry to death if i go missing and he does not know where i am. in your case i know exactly that she does not love you and she is just using you since she know that you love her more than she loves you so she does not care about u. in my oppinion you should not provide her a space to live in the first place and i know that u desperately need that 800 but in my oppinion it would be wise to kick her out of your house and break up with her then let her live in the same place with you and keep on using you. but before you would do that try very carefully to talk to her very quiet and try not to argue with her b/c i am too are those kind of people who would not listen to people if they scream at me and it take a lil long for me to listen to people who talk to me gently. yeah we are kind of hard headed and if the talking does not work then just kick her out.

[DN]

So do you think I should just give up on her or hang in there and see if she will change? I feel emotionally tied to her and a little responsible for her.

 

Do you have any evidence at all that she is likely to change? And how hurt, emotionally and financially are you likely to be before she does - if she does?

 

You may feel it necessary for the sake of your conscience to give her a soft landing if you do kick her out but I think you should tell her to leave.

[Mun]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like she is definitely using you and does not really love you. Maybe she tells you that to get what she wants ...Nevermind her words, look at her actions.. what do they say?

 

She is really young and so she is going to be 17...I'm not saying that is good or bad.. just that you have to allow her to be that age, but from what you say.. it sounds like she has just found herself a (no offense) sugar daddy to finance her "fun"...

 

Think about what kind of relationship you want to be in and look for that.

 

I think you should kiss that money goodbye and the girl too. Take that financial loss as a lesson learned because I doubt that she will pay you back. Good luck with that.

[Gaz]

Thanks for all the input I take it all onboard with me. I think that it is time for it to come to an end but she says she is going to pay me all 800 next week so we will see. Im just sorry it has to come to this, I guess life is never always what you want it to be.

[godschld7777]

I think that the reason that you put up with her is the same reason that I put up with my husband treating me badly for so long. He cheated on me physically one time and mentally mulitiple times daily. He chatted with girls behind my back at work and was trying to find more women to cheat with. It turned out that he had a sexual addiction. He is now in recovery, but it has left many scars. I loved him completely as it seems you have. I was very forgiving as you have been. I discovered that the reason for me allowing him to treat me that way was because I love him deeply, but also because I have codependency that I am having to work on.

 

You may want to do some research on codependency. It is a state of mind where we lose our own identity and we put too much of ourselves into another person. You may also, want to look up love addiction.

 

You need to seriously consider yourself in this. It sounds like you may be a great guy who is looking to love someone, in which is great. You may want to look into working on yourself some. Deal with some problems from your childhood if you have some. Problems from our childhood can make us overly dependent on another person. We feel that it is the only way that we can keep someone, but the truth is that people will do to us whatever we allow them to.

 

Also, it looks like to me she has what it is a form of love addiction, but is more like an avoidance addict. She avoids getting close to anyone. She may feel that this is the only way she can not be hurt. The problem is that she is only setting herself up to be hurt. If she does love you then she has a bad way of showing it. When someone loves you they will only want to make you happy not hurt you.

 

You also, need to consider how compulsive and impulsive in behavior she is. This means that she is at very high risk of cheating if she already hasn't. If she does then she could give you a disease from one of her spur of the moment flings.

 

I have been through alot with my husband and have done a lot of research on codependency, sexual addictions, love addictions, etc.