Here is why I'm cheating

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Mona cuz if you love somebody and you have years of history with themk it should enhance the value of that experience. I am not suggesting there aren't some exceptions such as in the case of whoever married this screwball up above who posted this.

[Spirits Away]

I think you guys are arguing about an interesting point. Have you considered that there are too much resentment built in the relationship that there is no longer anymore motivation or reason to change the state a marriage is in? I agree to Napoleon in regards to the fact that it can change, if they both have the energy & passion to. But do either side of the marriage wants to work together in a way that they'd be both open minded to their own mistakes?

 

Take the first poster as an example, would he want the marriage to work if he has a chance to make it work?

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Spirit I have already considered that and if they love each other you can enhance and yes, even manipulate it into a healthy state.

As far as resentment goes, that can be overcome as well -- except where betrayal is concerned. Most of the time resentment is illogical and can be healed through therapeutic measures.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Mona how can you change your mind about being totally in love with somebody you have been with for ten years? Interestingly enough, most of the time these couples end up regretting these decisions with time apart.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Part of what I am suggesting is that the supply/demand culture in which we live -- not wanting what we have and wanting what we can't have-- has leaked into marriage. Part of it is human nature, but it has been excacerbated considerably by modern society.

[Spirits Away]

Yes, if they still have love to give out. I wouldn't assume it though. People do change. Holding onto a marriage is only religious, but to be living with someone who cannot put passion into your life is like losing purpose to life.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Spirit true. However what I am suggesting is most of the time married couples don't just fall out of love.

[Spirits Away]

This will be my last post.

 

I found this assumption to become narrower and narrower that it's not broken marriages in general anymore.

 

it's not just about some religious belief, but also about the fact that broken marriage equates to unhealthy family. How many broken marriages would actually spend the time & energy to fix a problem? It's very idealistic to assume they are married and thereforeeee, they would not fall out of love, and thereforeeee, their love are strong enough to have the energy to go to a therapy and heal resentments and become a healthy family again. It's just not possible coming from a family that are the not at all healthy. Who would they negatively affect in the end? I'd say it's even selfish to be holding onto a marriage despite all the negative things that happen to their kids.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Spirit I don't follow you. Anyway I have to hit the hay. Post tomorrow.

[whatwentwrong]

you can NEVER fix a relationship/or problem by going outside the marriage.

 

Who said that ? the bald guy on tv, dr. something. phil maybe.

 

but it is true, suppose you found out why your wife was not interested in sex with you was because she was screwing someone else???

 

I found out about my dad's affair 5 years after he died, i was in my 20's, I now have no respect for him, do you want your kids to feel the same way ? especially if you're still alive.

 

My wife's affair has devastated me, it's not fun, so as justified as you think you maybe, it was wrong, end the relationship, then screw all you want.

[Reilly2856]

What I find most difficult to understand is what that "other" woman sees in you? I mean, if you can cheat on your wife and throw your marriage aside, who is to say that you won't get bored of her and leave her?

 

No excuse in the world could justify cheating. In fact, every lame excuse you've put are the conventional ones used by other cheaters. For petes sake, marriage is not easy and it definitely isn't a fairy tale. You will hit rough patches along the way, but that doesn't mean you look for attention outside the home, just becasue you don't have the juts to continue to approach your wife and attempt to work things out.

 

For one thing, you are not only cheating your wife but also your kids. How do you think they will feel when they find out how their dad has treated their mother? For one thing, not only will you lose their respect but you will also shatter their capabilities in carrying out healthy relationships in their lives. They will resent you and with that resentment, they will also learn to mistrust others. In my view, not only have you failed as a husband, but also as a father. I hope your wife finds out about this and leaves you for good. You don't deserve a second chance.

[annie24]

you can NEVER fix a relationship/or problem by going outside the marriage.

 

Who said that ? the bald guy on tv, dr. something. phil maybe.

 

 

Yes - I agree strongly with this. I think it is Dr. Phil. It sounds like something he would say.

 

Yonik - I understand what you has made you go outside the marriage looking for affection. But do you think it is perhaps time to make things right? As in, either leaving your wife, or committing yourself to fixing your marriage?

[RayKay]

Marriage is not just the wedding, its also committing to the commitment itself, even when things aren't "rosey". Remember those lines "For Better For Worse". Couples grow together through shared experiences - even working through the bad helps them grow together stronger. I am not saying you should stay for everything (ie...I think your wife would be fully in her right to leave you right now if she knew about this affair) but it sounds like you chose to go outside the marriage for problems you should of talked and worked out with your wife.

 

Your post smacks of an attitude of "poor me, I am so hard done by, it's all my wife's fault". Can I ask if you have ever asked or really listened to her side as well? Maybe the problem is not that the room is not romantic enough, but the atmosphere and the approach on your part is not romantic enough. Maybe she has felt too much like a mother, not enough like a desirable woman lately. Have you ever suggested to her you both go for marriage counselling? Yes she has a part in this marriage too, but sometimes one person has to be the one to say, look, I have a problem and we need to work on it.

 

Staying together "for the kids" is an absolutely ridiculous premise. Yes kids with HAPPILY married parents do well, but a study I read recently also showed kids of HAPPILY divorced parents did just as well. It's not about whether your parents are married or not, it is about the relationship they have. If a childs parents are divorced, but happily with other people now and providing that child with supportive environments, they will do far better than a child growing up with parents who resent one another, cheat, and clearly disrespect one another.

 

I don't care what the reasons are, I will never condone cheating. If you want someone else, then leave the one you are with plain and simple. I also think it was selfish to pursue this other women when she first objected, but now I think she is just as guilty. And if she does develop more feelings for you, she will want more from you at some point. And in another 10-15 years when you are married, you may find yourself in the same situation all over again, pursuing someone new to escape your responsibility and commitment to your wife to communicate and work things through.

[socalguy123]

anyone here watch "Bridges of Madison County"? just a thought...

[Day_Walker]

I can see your motivation for wanting to go outside your marriage. However going outside your marriage isnt going to solve your problems. It actually can make matters worse no matter if you want work things out with your wife or if you want to get a divorce. If you want to just have sex outside your marriage then you are taking the wrong approach, because you are already starting to have feelings for her. This is counter productive, if you are going to cheat then realize that its just about sex but the nature of the relationship makes me think that there are other problems in your relationship.

 

I do want to take that your are taking the historical approach with your affiar, because all throughout history men and women have had sexual relationships outside of their marriage for personal reasons, now within the confines of a perception of marriage is that wrong, but it also seems to perserve the marriage at the same time. Historically there are different reasons why this was done because you didnt necessarily pick the person you were going to marry. I will say that the nature of marriage is changing and has been for sometime, we all like to think of the idealistic notion of marriage, but in a society were we have become impatient and we want instant gratification who knows what the institution of marriage will turn into.

[kskm]

Marriages don't always work. If you are not happy in your current relationship, and you can't seem to fix it, then get out of it. The kids will see you unhappy. You only have one life to live- you might as well be happy.

I am not saying it's ok to cheat- or a good thing to get divorced- but what I am saying is that if you are unhappy- then find a way to make yourself happy. Do not stay in a relationship because it's comfortable, or for the children. It's crap. The children will know that you aren't happy, and you will be more comfortable in another relationship that works.

 

All in all this is your life- make what you want of it.

 

I am a firm believer in people that haven't been in your position have no right to judge.

 

Things happen for a reason- make them end correctly. In your situation I would say get a divorce today. You aren't happy- she doesn't seem happy, and your children will one day understand.

 

Good luck

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Ksm sometimes marriages don't work because the two people don't love each other but you shouldn't just get out of a marriage" because it has been unhappy. NO marriage and I mean NO marriage would work that way. The modern day "do what feels right" attitude often makes people more miserable in the long run than it helps. There's a whole generation of people like that. Pragmastism has turned into short sightedness.

First thing first, people should consider taking time apart.

[discordant_verse]

Yonik,

 

It has to be said that everyone who makes comment or shares opinion in regards to your plight does not know exactly the circumstances of your situation - speaking for myself.

 

I have only 2 concerns. The first being the reasons she has gone so cold towards you and your choices in this regards. The second is your children.

 

I am very curious about your marriage. I assume that the marriage started well and that you two were happy once - with the great sex and everything. From that assumption, that she so chooses to treat you so badly now is as dismaying as it is curious. I will make lots of conjecture here. 1) She has a personal problem that she cannot solve and it frustrates her so immensely that she's taking it all out on you. 2) She has fallen out of love with you. 3) You are not letting on significant details about yourself in regards to your marriage. 4) My assumption is wrong and you married a frigid ultra-conservative biatch who thinks that love making/sex is a thing to be endured rather than enjoyed.

 

Whatever it is, its between you and your wife to sort out. I hope you will choose to do so instead of turning to another. To be rejected the way you have been, I can only imagine the pain. It is understandable that you have turned to another woman, but its not excusable.

 

This brings me to my second concern. You say that divorce would devastate your children. Tell me, when your children find out about your affair, how would they feel? What sort of message are you giving to them? If you had an open affair which your wife and your children accepted, then it is no problem. But to have an illicit one, is it alright?

 

I'm going to drop some thoughts just as an aside. You say that you are developing feelings for your new partner. The feeling of being found deliciously attractive or desirable makes you feel remarkable and your ego is pumped. Be careful not to confuse sex and love.

 

Your new partner might want you but do realise who you are - a married man cheating on his wife. She knows that you are tied up and very probably is enjoying every minute of the joy BUT she does not have to bear the burdens of a real relationship. Keep that in mind always. You cannot commit, and she hasnt either.

 

As with all relationship problems, you should talk it out first with your partner. She ought to know you feel rejected, frustrated and unloved. If she cares, she'll do something about it. If she doesnt, I dont suggest you continue a self-destructive relationship. Children are forgiving so long as they are treated as adults and given a say. At least an understanding be made.

 

Regards

DV

[melrich]

This argument always seems to pan out this way, the older people can understand a long marriage petering out into nothing and the younger people can't see how after 10 years together you can't still be madly in love.

 

Mona how can you change your mind about being totally in love with somebody you have been with for ten years? Interestingly enough, most of the time these couples end up regretting these decisions with time apart.

 

I have to go with Mona on this one. I have seen too many marriages that are nothing more than two people living together, usually staying together for the kids, social status or financial reasons. And all of them started as two people very much in love.

 

i don't condone what the original poster has done, he should end his marriage, but I do understand it.

[RayKay]

This argument always seems to pan out this way, the older people can understand a long marriage petering out into nothing and the younger people can't see how after 10 years together you can't still be madly in love.

 

I am a younger person who has not yet been married but can understand it. While I have not been with someone 10 years, I have been with 5+ years, and as a child of divorced parents (my father was cheating by the way) it is certainly not something foreign to me.

 

So I do understand from what I have seen around me how marriages end up without the love anymore - often because the couple has put other things ahead of themselves as a couple. Sometimes it is having children that brings this about (all focus on children) sometimes it is changes with the people themselves, sometimes it is too much focus on career. In whatever case one or both people have forgotten to put their relationship as a priority - to nurture and respect it. What I don't understand though is if you are in this situation why you would thereforeeee either not:

 

1) Make a promise to revive your marriage and put yourself as a couple first to rediscover that love

 

...OR...

 

2) Leave and end your marriage before you cheat

 

Of course, I would think it was best if you had been doing "1" the whole time along though I know for many this is not the case. Marriage is not just a wedding and the instant guarantee of lifetime happiness. For me, I have also seen couples who are VERY much in love many many years later. My mother found another love after the divorce from my bio-dad, and they are still together 18+ years later and very in love and true role models of what caring for one another and your relationship, even with children, busy careers and daily stresses, can do.

[Yonik]

First of all, I think you should end a marriage (or relationship) instead of cheating if it's not working.

 

That said, how do two people fall out of love? ...

 

 

I've already been through and survived that. The kids are 12 and 8 now. We were both workign our asses off raising the kids - and don't forget, she was an international flight attendant - staying in luxury hotels 1/3 of the timewhile I changed diapers.

 

Today she's spends her free time teaching aerobics and pliates. The house is fine and her schedue is pretty stress free. I see no reason for her to act this way. I really don't.

 

To respond to some of the others - yes I did speak to her extensively about this. Sometimes she agrees to change and she asks me to change things too. I change - but she doesn't. She thinks I'm too demanding, I guess. I'm now 40, I'm getting no younger and I'm tired of discussing it. She wants to treat sex as a chore then I want no part of it. Life is too short for that. I signed up willingly for monogamy - but not celibacy, sorry.

[annie24]

Hi - I was wondering when you were going to come back here. You're right - you're 40, you're not getting any younger. So, what are you going to do about it? Despite the fact that your wife won't have sex, I think it's not cool to have an affair behind her back.

 

I really urge you to either divorce her, or go to counseling with her. Or, tell her about your affair, and if she is ok with you having sex with other women while staying married to her, then go for that. But I think that all this dishonesty really isn't a good thing. Like I said before, I understand your motivations. But now, it's time to set things right.

[tiger_lilies]

I signed up willingly for monogamy - but not celibacy, sorry.

 

Yonik, you're a real piece of work! You signed up for monogamy???? By cheating on your wife you are not being monogamous. Hello???

 

Your posts sound selfish and that's really where the cheating is coming from, since it's apparently all about you, you, you. Wake up and smell the coffe buddy. You are hurting your family!

 

Is sex the only driving force for you? It seems that you willingly put sex above your family. By pursuing your mistress, you have made a conscience effort to only think of your own selfish sexual needs. Get your priorities straight! Seek counseling.

 

In my opinion, you should just divorce your wife and children as every one else has suggested rather than causing more pain for them.

 

I saw your post on someone else's post. It seems that you still justify your actions by blaming the non-cheater. YOU are responsible for your own actions. YOU are to blame for being the cheater here, regardless of what is going on in your marriage.

[discordant_verse]

Tiger_lilies,

 

Human beings are inately selfish sure. Is it not our right to find happiness in some measure we deem fit for ourselves?

 

Is sex the only driving force? To this I simply ask; is sex the only mitigating factor? It might as well be a woman who really loves her husband and has a good family having her love and happines ruined because of her incredible disdain/disgust for the "sex act".

 

Sexual needs are exactly that. Yonik's priorities are as straight as his wife's - there are no excuses for both of them. Middle ground must be found else the bridge be burnt.

 

Yonik, you're a real piece of work! You signed up for monogamy???? By cheating on your wife you are not being monogamous. Hello???

 

Read his words again.

 

Rgds

DV

[tiger_lilies]

Discordant_Verse,

 

If Yonik is so intent on having sex outside of his marriage, he should leave his wife and be honest about the reasons why to her...because he wants sex. Instead he justifies that simply because his marriage is obviously failing that he has the right and excuse to seek sex outside of his marriage. (I'm sure there are many underlying problems than just the lack of sex)

 

Just because things are not working out for him at home, doesn't give him the excuse that he can look elsewhere for sex.

 

So all of a sudden he's finding himself becoming celebate due to his wife's disinterest in sex. This would be a good time for him to concentrate on working things out with his wife or to leave her, not to go seeking for sex elsewhere while still sleeping in her bed and living in their home. Mind you, he admittedly pursued another woman even after she tried to turn him away. His conscience intent is milicious in my opinion.

 

Everything I've written thus far has been repeated by other posters before me. I just see no excuse to why he would think that his reasons are valid because that seems to be the case with his posts.

 

Yes, we are all selfish individuals deep down inside, but that urge is exactly what we as individuals should fight, especially when other people are getting hurt. It's morally wrong and I just can't see his view.