Spent a month on this site...and it really helped ease my pain.

[Theonethatgotaway]

I have spent the last month readin this site, finding it after a heartbreaking ending and didn't think I would ever post. But feel that getting my thoughts out there will help me. I don't need people telling me to move on, as I already know this is what I need to do and even successful reconciliation involves moving on

 

My story:

I had a female friend for many years who stood by me in everything, even a tough divorce and we always had a great connection. When the circumstances came about, we were able to be a couple and I was very much in love with her before we dated. We shared future goals, hobbies and interests. Our views on things were in sync and we were by all accounts a great pair and patnership.

In the beginning of the relationship she mentioned questions of bisexuality, but never getting to explore, but at the time said she chose me and maybe we could explore this together one day. Almost 3 years later she meets a woman at work and catches feels, she was honest about it with me, but I reacted out of fear and tried everything to "fix" our relationship, but it wasn't broken, this was something else. I did everything to make her days easier, cooked, cleaned, told her I loved and appreciated her and always got her little gifts/treats.

We had back and forth dialogue for a month, she kept choosing me over the woman and I could see this was really hard on her emotionally. I proposed to her as we had always discussed being married with an artwork I did for her (I am an artist outside of my career). The next day she said the feelings for the other woman were there and she was scared she couldn't give me 100%. We decided to take a break of 3 months, so she could explore this part of her sexuality and I left our house. This lasted a week.

During that week I was driving myself crazy, so I asked to meet up. I told her, please let me speak...and then see how you feel. I told her I love her dearly, she means everything to me and I would and did choose her everyday. I wanted to be her partner and support her and to do this...I needed to step aside, because the break was killing me and I know it was impacting the other woman (she told me this). My ex agreed. 

It was a strange break up, we both held hands the whole time, said we loved each other so much, hugged very real deep hugs and both said we would be willing to try again one day. I gave her a new artwork of her to replace the engagement one she had on display as I said I didn't want to upset the other woman. I did hide a letter and some photos of us inside the frame (I know, *** move). We both said, it is odd to break up as two people who love one another. We laughed, cried and joked, she also said she did not expect this to happen. Even as I walked her to her car she kept hugging me, saying she loved me and I her. She said if someone comes along to take it as I will be angry if you give up a chance to be happy for me, I said I wouldn't, but the door to her is always open.

From there... I went crazy, praying for her back (strongly not religious), reading horoscopes (don't believe), trying to rationalise the situation, looking at stupid get you ex-back scams (did not purchase), crying, driving myself and my friends crazy with constant questions and generally letting myself go, forgetting to shower, etc. Resulting in me needing valium for a period. However, I never let my ex know this... I could not. I was always a calm, supportive and stable man...I could not allow her to know this was me at the moment. I could not let her know how truly hurt I have been and have her know she did this to me, because I know she did not want to hurt me. But we all need to make decisions to make ourselves happy. We currently both have separate paths to walk and only time will tell if our paths are meant to converge again in the future.

Then one day I broke, she stayed in contact relatively frequently with myself and my family and I always played it cool. One day I couldn't be cool. She said how are you I said ok... then I said no...I am not ok, I am a mess. I love you so much and moving on is so hard, I dream of you, I try going out by myself and I see the ghost of you in my head, I keep turning to speak to you and you're not there and I miss my friend. She said it really hurt to know I was still hurting as she does care, and I know she does. I wrote her a heartfelt and open email...not asking for her back, just explaining how I feel and the impact she has had on my life. Telling her the door is always open, but I will not watch it as I know she may never knock. That I want her in my life, even it can only be as a friend and I will always support her. She said it was sweet, heartfelt and really lovely. She said I am a great guy, I said all I have ever wanted is her happiness, she said she wants the same for me.

I took to journalling, poetry and self help guides to try and fix myself. Then I stumbled on to this site. I knew from the start that my hope was unhelpful...and reading the things here ans seeing.no contact and this really helped me to stabilise my thoughts and calm myself over time. I was able to take care of myself again, bought new clothes, could eat and sleep after a month of not doing either. I have yet to re-engage in my hobbies but am getting there and I have been going out, seeing friends and family.

Being a social worker I am well aware of coping strategies and stages of grief. But I have never been caught out by a breakup like this. I have never wanted someone back and have never reacted to losing someone like I have. I have always been comfortable with who/what I am, but losing her shook something loose in me.

Using this site has helped me to ride out the difficult road that separation created. Now that my physical symptoms have stabilised and I am able to live normally things are going better. I have realised that I really do love that woman, but I can love her from afar and wish her all the happiness in the world. Part of me will always hope she comes back, but if she does not, as long as she is happy I will be happy for her. I know everyone on here says hope is bad, but I do have hope we will have another chance to be together, but if it is not meant to be then...it is what it is.

She has said friendship will take time as the other woman is "quite a jealous person" and has issues with a few of my ex's friends. I asked if it is easier for me to just leave her alone, she said she didn't know to be honest, she didn't want me out of her life. So I said I would give space and be here when she is ready as I don't want to lose her from my life either. Not talking to her at all has been killing me more than anything, but I know I need to do this for her to be happy and for me to find equilibrium.

Skip to a week after the breakup. I get a call from my ex-wife (exes come back, but not the ones you want). She is upset, saying she always regretted leaving me (for another man, which fell apart as he was abusive). She tells ne that she heard I hope that me abd the current ex can get together again and was upset as I didn't fight for her. However this was a very unhealthy relationship (ex-wife has many issues including alcoholism and bpd). I didn't know what to say...I am having to justify my absolute heartbreak over the person I have loved more than anyone (sorry ex-wife) to her. This was a long drawn out and painful discussion for me. After this the ex-wife intentionally overdosed on medication and was taken to a mental health unit. The only person I could talk to was my ex. She was supportive and said it was not my fault which I know, but it sure felt like it. I apologised for being a pining ex, but again said that I truly loved her and only saw the good in her. Since we have shared a brief conversation about nothing specific. Back to no contact.

The ex-wife was released from the mental health unit and immediately messaged me. Saying she has a date that night (I think this is a terrible idea, but did not say that). I said have fun. She asked to go for a walk as I said we can be friends, then said not as a date, I said...I didn't think it was a date and reinforced the friendship thing. I would do no contact with the ex-wife, but her mental health is such that I would not want to feel responsible for anything happening to her, even though I have truly no interest.

After reading and reading this site and all the insights from people I hope one day to come back and share my success story, whether that be the woman I truly love coming back, finding someone else I connect with or becoming happy on my own again. 

Sorry, very long post, but getting it out feels good.

 

[Rose Mosse]

I’m glad you did not turn to any scams and have found the website useful. I am also grateful to this site as it inevitably prepared me for something that I knew was going to happen in my life although I have not ever made a single thread. You’re not alone whatever it is. Keep reading and posting if that helps.

It’s better if you take a break from contacting any of your exes. Even if for a year or two. If there are no children involved, free yourself. You’re not obligated to anyone. Start over and give yourself more to live for. All the best.

[Theonethatgotaway]

Sorry for typos. On my phone is difficult.

[Theonethatgotaway]

11 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I’m glad you did not turn to any scams and have found the website useful. I am also grateful to this site as it inevitably prepared me for something that I knew was going to happen in my life although I have not ever made a single thread. You’re not alone whatever it is. Keep reading and posting if that helps.

It’s better if you take a break from contacting any of your exes. Even if for a year or two. If there are no children involved, free yourself. You’re not obligated to anyone. Start over and give yourself more to live for. All the best.

By something do you mean a breakup? 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Theonethatgotaway said:

even a tough divorce and we always had a great connection. In the beginning of the relationship she mentioned questions of bisexuality

I get a call from my ex-wife (ex-wife has many issues including alcoholism and bpd).  After this the ex-wife intentionally overdosed on medication and was taken to a mental health unit. The ex-wife was released from the mental health unit and immediately messaged me.

Sorry this is happening. Delete and block the ex-wife.  She needs her psychiatrists and detox, not a relationship. There is no need to feel responsible for her.

 As far as the bisexual friend turned lover, that too is best left in the past. Both these women cause you nothing but headaches and heartaches, so it's best to move forward and put these chapters behind you.

 Keep in mind, dating is not social work so fixing bipolar alcoholic or bisexual women is something you need to reflect on.

[Theonethatgotaway]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Delete and block the ex-wife.  She needs her psychiatrists and detox, not a relationship. There is no need to feel responsible for her.

 As far as the bisexual friend turned lover, that too is best left in the past. Both these women cause you nothing but headaches and heartaches, so it's best to move forward and put these chapters behind you.

 Keep in mind, dating is not social work so fixing bipolar alcoholic or bisexual women is something you need to reflect on.

I only mentioned social work in relation to knowing about grief and coping. I have seen your comments and your advice is on point. Cutting off the ex-wife I could do...the other, I struggle. But this is all vwry fresh, so hopefully some more NC I can be ok to cut that tie also. Unfortunately I am still in the hopeful stage...as sad as that is. I don't want to be there...but it's where I am at.

[Rose Mosse]

14 minutes ago, Theonethatgotaway said:

I only mentioned social work in relation to knowing about grief and coping. I have seen your comments and your advice is on point. Cutting off the ex-wife I could do...the other, I struggle. But this is all vwry fresh, so hopefully some more NC I can be ok to cut that tie also. Unfortunately I am still in the hopeful stage...as sad as that is. I don't want to be there...but it's where I am at.

There is also something to be said about a person who communicates with a fresh ex and dates someone new. You still have rosey lenses on where she can do no wrong. It’s inappropriate for her to be checking in on you while with her new partner. 

This is not a characteristic I find endearing or generous. It lacks boundaries and true compassion for others. Letting go is far more kind.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Theonethatgotaway said:

We currently both have separate paths to walk and only time will tell if our paths are meant to converge again in the future.

If you know about "5 stages of grief" then you know this is bargaining. "What if" scenarios. "What if one day we meet again? What if one day she decides for me?" This isnt some kind of dig on you, on contrary, I think you are progressing and on the way to acceptance. Just saying that "acceptance" would be "she doesnt love me, I will find somebody who does". You wouldnt imagine scenarios where you would hypotheticaly end up together with her. 

And I am sorry, but she doesnt help there. Saying how she does love you(even though she dates another woman), checking on you, that is only furthering you from "acceptance" phase and keeping you there. You need to be able to succesfully move on and to find somebody for you. Her being there will not only make harder for you to find somebody but will also create problems for you if you do find it. If you read the Forum you could see the number of threads dealing with that. And how people complain about their SO exes and their SO attachment to them, whether if its a contact or just social media following. 

So, go full NC. Will it be harder at first? Yes. But will enable you to get over it. Because like this who knows how much time will you need and what consequences on your future relationships will have. Same goes for ex wife. You dont owe her anything. You are not responsible for her mental health.

[Theonethatgotaway]

Yes, I know. I am definitely in the bargaining stage, because I do struggle to not think we have a future together. But realistically...she is with someone else and actions speak louder than words. She made her decision and as much as it pains me, I do need to move on. I hurt every day, for someone who is enjoying a new relationship and all that entails. Unfortunately loving someone with all you have isn't enough. I know I am struggling to move on, I admit this... I am trying my hardest to move on, but realise I am struggling and it realistically is destroying my life. Sometimes really loving someone means making the hardest descision in your life to let them go and be happy. Unfortunately I feel that maybe I am just too nice to people at the detriment of myself. I really am trying to move on... but the love for this person is making it difficult. I know I seem like a fool... but I have had so many relationships and this is the only one that has done this to me... and I think I hate it.

[Rose Mosse]

3 minutes ago, Theonethatgotaway said:

too nice

I hate it.

These stood out to me. It’s extreme… when you have emotions like these it’s better to find some middle ground. Are you looking for someone to have your back like you do for others?

Channel that through other means in your friendships or within other areas that motivate you and keep reminding you of who you are.

You mentioned not being religious and that’s fine. Yet I believe we do not need religion to reinforce our values or beliefs. Look to your interests and dig deep. Make new friendships. I think you’re trying to make friends out of your exes and all it’s doing is pulling you down. 

[Theonethatgotaway]

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

These stood out to me. It’s extreme… when you have emotions like these it’s better to find some middle ground. Are you looking for someone to have your back like you do for others?

Channel that through other means in your friendships or within other areas that motivate you and keep reminding you of who you are.

You mentioned not being religious and that’s fine. Yet I believe we do not need religion to reinforce our values or beliefs. Look to your interests and dig deep. Make new friendships. I think you’re trying to make friends out of your exes and all it’s doing is pulling you down. 

I mentioned being not religious as I found myself praying for her to come back...which is not in line with my beliefs. 

I think you are right, I am looking for someone to have my back like I do theirs, even when they show me that they clearly do not in the slightest. Maybe I am giving too much of myself to others and have some...idealised belief in love. I have great friends who always have my back, but seem to dive so deep in to love. I have been speaking with my psychologist about this and reading and writing to try and change this. Maybe I just give too much of myself to relationships...and that is npt healthy for me.

[Rose Mosse]

35 minutes ago, Theonethatgotaway said:

I mentioned being not religious as I found myself praying for her to come back...which is not in line with my beliefs. 

I think you are right, I am looking for someone to have my back like I do theirs, even when they show me that they clearly do not in the slightest. Maybe I am giving too much of myself to others and have some...idealised belief in love. I have great friends who always have my back, but seem to dive so deep in to love. I have been speaking with my psychologist about this and reading and writing to try and change this. Maybe I just give too much of myself to relationships...and that is npt healthy for me.

Yes, it’s a good start to discuss with your psychologist. Ask for techniques how to establish better boundaries. What are your needs? Why have you felt quietened or like you haven’t had a voice in the past for example? How do you find ways to feel supported?

Try to balance a bit more. Establish what your needs are and be articulate about it even with yourself. If you feel you need reciprocity and mutual understanding then strive for that in any relationship.

Know when to stop and when something/someone isn’t good for you. Establishing boundaries is a good thing. 

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you.

I would shut down communication with the x wife. Offering her an audience to her acting out is detrimental to both her and to you.

Recall in your studies when 'helping' is not helping, and apply that here.

Head high, you'll get through this.

[Theonethatgotaway]

On 1/24/2022 at 5:57 AM, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you.

I would shut down communication with the x wife. Offering her an audience to her acting out is detrimental to both her and to you.

Recall in your studies when 'helping' is not helping, and apply that here.

Head high, you'll get through this.

Funnily enough. After the advice I read on this thread, I spoke with the ex-wife. I told her that contact is not good for either of us, especially her. She kept asking to catch up but I told her it would not be good for either of us. 

[catfeeder]

17 hours ago, Theonethatgotaway said:

Funnily enough. After the advice I read on this thread, I spoke with the ex-wife. I told her that contact is not good for either of us, especially her. She kept asking to catch up but I told her it would not be good for either of us. 

Well done. It's hard to apply what we know when it's our own stuff. But your ex is obviously a danger to herself, and you're too vulnerable right now to deal with her. She could easily become a danger to you, too.

 

[Theonethatgotaway]

I have also had friendly contact with the recent ex and it was very much a good friendly open chat. It was not painful and I was not reading in to it like I have been. I have come to a place where I expect nothing from her, if time and experience brings us together again I will be open. But I am working on my own issues and experiencing life as a single man for the first time in a while. If it's meant to be it will be, if not whatever is will come.

Was actually really nice just to speak with ny friend again, not the cold/formal person she had been for a month.

[WildPump]

At first when she mentioned about being bisexual you should have taken the hint that there isn't much left in the relationship. I mean you just got divorced now you are again looking for a messy relationship. Be just friends with her or move on. Give yourself some time to heal and then look for partner. 

[Theonethatgotaway]

4 minutes ago, WildPump said:

At first when she mentioned about being bisexual you should have taken the hint that there isn't much left in the relationship. I mean you just got divorced now you are again looking for a messy relationship. Be just friends with her or move on. Give yourself some time to heal and then look for partner. 

That was at the start of us. But to be honest, I think I am done with having a partner. I keep giving my all to just get broken again and again... I will be better off to live alone.

[WildPump]

Just now, Theonethatgotaway said:

That was at the start of us. But to be honest, I think I am done with having a partner. I keep giving my all to just get broken again and again... I will be better off to live alone.

I can totaly relate of what you are going as one of friends has been through the same. As i mentioned give yourself some time to recover and if your heart allows then go for it.