Ex playing games

[Empof401]

So it’s been almost 3 years since my ex and I split. I’ve grown so much as an individual been dating, advancing my career, hitting the gym, being more involved with my kids. Overall just being a better man.

My ex sees this and comes to me literally once a month telling me she wants the family back. She misses me, Us.  She’s in a on/off relationship with the same dude she left me for. Everytime they have problems she tries running to me. I’ve explained that I will not be her rebound and I am not just a option. She tells me that she’s been dating her boss and tried to come to for emotional support which I explained was not going to happen either.

 

I’ve explained that I’m not opposed to working on things but she needs to prove herself to me as I refuse to support her the way I did before. She has been struggling in life she’s in school for nursing but failed the test to enter the actual program and switched majors. 
 

She always comes to me with this “if it’s meant to be it will be” blah blah. Everytime she says she’s single her social media says everything but that. Most of the time her relationship status is hidden but her BF’s says in a relationship with her. She recently came to me saying she’s scared of his reaction, and he’s obsessing, she doesn’t know how to make him stop contacting her which I believe is lies because she had a big dinner for my son but did not invite me so most likely he was there because we threw our daughter a cohosted party earlier this year. After planning to go half on gifts for months just to have her reneg and get herself and my son a phone.

Whats up with these games? I’m very clear with her that I am not going to be treated as an option or a emotional crutch, I will not be apart of the pogo to pogo monkey branching. What is her angle?  I’m no longer at a point where I want her like that. As I’ve said before she has to prove herself to me and I feel she doesn’t want to do that she would rather take the easy route

[Andrina]

She's too high of a risk for your heart. A plain mess. You need to set the boundary to only speak of your shared parenting duties. Make it clear you two will NEVER get back together, so you won't be engaging in conversations with her about any relationship topics regarding you or the other men in her life.

If she tries, cut her short. "I told you only to speak to me about the children. If this conversation isn't about them, I need to go." Or, just hang up the phone. You can't control other people but you can control your reactions to them, which will hopefully teach them how to treat you.

[Wiseman2]

Focus solely on co-parenting and maintaining a consistent organized visitation/custody schedule and regular child support for your children. Stay out of each others' social and love lives.

[Empof401]

Thanks

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Empof401 said:

As I’ve said before she has to prove herself to me 

This may be why things seem confusing. You're still hoping for reconciliation in an appropriate format. It's not happening. What she is, she has shown you. Letting go is difficult and you both share a child so I empathize with you. Be good to yourself, let go. When you have expectations like this for someone to be different from what they are, you're setting yourself up for more disappointment. 

Tell yourself she no longer has to prove anything to you and you are free. And what do you mean "it's been almost three years since my ex and I split"? Are you both still married? Were you both never married? Are you separated legally? Do what you have to do in realistic and pragmatic terms to sever that relationship. It's over so let it go. 

 

[throoawao]

As much as it sucks, I think you need to let go of the possibility of being with her again. She is not an adequate human being... why is she hiding her relationship status? Why is she reaching out to you while she's in a relationship? Why did she leave you for some dude? 
You see, these things don't make a person a good person. A normal person wouldn't hide their relationship status, wouldn't reach out to her ex if she's in a relationship, and if she wanted to leave you, she would do it in a respectful manner that didn't swap you for someone else.

As you said, she needs to be a better person to ever be back in your life again, but I'd argue even stronger and say that you shouldn't wait for her to be that better person. Move on, there are so many other ppl out there, you'll find someone who isn't so all over their place.
I'm a strong believer that people are the way they are because of their environment ...  the way someone was raised, or the types of relationships a person was in, will cause them to be a certain type of person. She is the way she is because of her environment, and you can't change that nor be waiting for her on the other side.

You see, life goes on, with or without her. Forget her damn games and focus on yourself and what love prospects may come into your life. Don't let anyone treat you like a pogo stick, as you said yourself.
I think you have a good head on your shoulders and don't let her take advantage of that. Be the better person, be the bigger person, don't give her the opportunity of even having you back. You deserve better.

With love,
Throo

[SooSad33]

On 12/3/2021 at 8:30 AM, Empof401 said:

I’ve explained that I’m not opposed to working on things but she needs to prove herself to me as I refuse to support her the way I did before. She has been struggling in life

You are not opposed?

IMO, you are too much into this for your own good.

You admit that you've been 'okay' with your life since your split with her?

I think its best you continue that way....

So often, after a 2nd attempt it does fail again, for reason's, such as what she's showing you.  She will NOT be able to prove anything much in a ways of anything positive for your relationship to work, should you 'give her another chance'.

She's struggling still. She is far from 'stable' with her life, right?

Then is best you deal with her re: the kids ONLY.  That is it and inform her you will not and can not be involved with her anymore than that.  And be done!

What's done is done now.  You both need to accept this.

She needs to accept her position & her life. And respectfully leave you alone.

So, stop being her emotional pillow and considering getting involved with her again.

Step back and take a really good look at it all. None of this is for your own good, is it?

Then carry on with your own life now and leave this situation where it stands.. as your past.