should I pull back?

[boltnrun]

You question why someone would bother doing what she's doing because YOU would never play with people like this.  But trust me, there are plenty who do.

My ex wants all of HIS exes to still be in love with him and to never date again.  Not because he loves all of us, but because it makes him feel good about himself, like he's some kind of stud, if he has a bunch of women pining over him.

You can't understand lies, deceit and games because you don't do those things.

As for the red flags, yes, I think you knew something was off but because it felt so good to be "loved" you chose to ignore them.

And BTW, she can't possibly love you, not yet.  That's why she's able to be so cold.  Because it's not real.

Do you plan to hang on, hoping the person she was in the beginning comes back?

[melchevelle]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My ex wants all of HIS exes to still be in love with him and to never date again.  Not because he loves all of us, but because it makes him feel good about himself, like he's some kind of stud, if he has a bunch of women pining 

Do you plan to hang on, hoping the person she was in the beginning comes back?

See, she was with some multi millionaire for 7 years, then married him (not legally) for a couple months then decided it wasn’t good, then “broke up?” But continues living with him for 1.5 years until she moved back home. She continues to keep up with him and even said she was going to go hang out with him for her birthday which I don’t understand considering she was miserable when she was with him. I expressed my uncomfortableness with it all, but there are so many holes in the story, and she reflects a lot and I want to talk about it but there hasn’t been the right time. Another way I’m getting to really know her.

I’ve backed off, I’m just seeing what happens. I’m not expecting her to go back to the way she was. If she does however, I do want to continue some of the difficult conversations, especially when it comes to who she is, our needs, etc.

 

 

[lostandhurt]

So she is out of your league, is wealthy and has shown you attention you have never gotten from a woman as pretty as she is.  I get why you want to hang in there and I don't blame you.

You asked why she would want to manipulate you since you don't have anything she would want. You do have something she wants which is your soul.  I am not talking about evil life sucking soul grabbing but taking away  who you are so she can have you at her beck and call.  She says jump and you ask how high kind of thing.  Boltnrun is exactly correct that you wouldn't understand this behavior because you could never imagine treating or controlling someone like that but there are tons of people that do just that all the time.

On the surface her ex story sounds like a bunch of BS.   If she is not open and honest with you about who she is then how can you fall in love with her?  She is a stranger and you cannot fall in love with a stranger right?

 Keep your eyes and ears open as this thing moves forward.  Stay off IG and stay busy with your life until she returns and you can get to know each other.

Lost

[smackie9]

BTW most people manipulate for the control, not for financial gain. It gives them a sense of superiority/ ego boost. She's predatory. She knows your vulnerability and preys on it. Having millions or 2 pennies won't make a difference.

[Andrina]

6 hours ago, melchevelle said:

She continues to keep up with him and even said she was going to go hang out with him for her birthday

Here's the secret to relationship happiness: Choose someone who doesn't make you severely uncomfortable with their behavior. Don't expect someone to change how they roll just because you don't like it. Date a woman you like exactly how she is.

And I don't mean that a person can be perfect. But you have to recognize minor flaws versus dealbreakers.

Why does she bring up a longterm ex, and flaunts the fact she stays in touch and will be hanging out with him and not you on her birthday? She's testing you to see if you're that passive and desperate to put up with all of her BS. 

As for me, I wouldn't be trying to figure out the psyche of a person who said this to me. Why would I waste one more second of my time with an assumed serious love interest who told me they'd be spending this very special occasion with an ex-lover versus me? This alone should be a dealbreaker by itself for any person of self-worth.

[boltnrun]

6 hours ago, melchevelle said:

If she does however, I do want to continue some of the difficult conversations, especially when it comes to who she is, our needs, etc.

Why bother?  Why not date someone who you don't have to have these kinds of "difficult conversations" with?

[melchevelle]

3 hours ago, Andrina said:

Here's the secret to relationship happiness: Choose someone who doesn't make you severely uncomfortable with their behavior. Don't expect someone to change how they roll just because you don't like it. Date a woman you like exactly how she is.

And I don't mean that a person can be perfect. But you have to recognize minor flaws versus dealbreakers.

Why does she bring up a longterm ex, and flaunts the fact she stays in touch and will be hanging out with him and not you on her birthday? She's testing you to see if you're that passive and desperate to put up with all of her BS. 

As for me, I wouldn't be trying to figure out the psyche of a person who said this to me. Why would I waste one more second of my time with an assumed serious love interest who told me they'd be spending this very special occasion with an ex-lover versus me? This alone should be a dealbreaker by itself for any person of self-worth.

I've found that every woman I date still talks to their exes or best friends with their exes. I really don't understand this. when I'm done, I'm done, no matter if it was consensual or not. that's just me 

after liking every single one of my instagram posts from all three of her instagram accounts, my gf then told me that her ex husband just started an IG and she liked all of his posts. it caught me off guard, but definitely didn't make me feel special. I didn't say anything at the time bc like I said, it caught me off guard. in regards to me, she said she was marking her territory.

[MissCanuck]

If you find that you continue to have relationships with women like this, then I am inclined to say your picker is broken and you're not filtering out the poor choices when you see them. 

I am also wondering how much of what your current girlfriend tells you is even true. She very much sounds like the type to exaggerate and spin grand tales in her own head, so she's the ex of a multimillionaire and they were married (but not really) and she wants to buy you a house because she's a millionaire too. 

I smell a lot of BS, sorry to say. 

[Andrina]

19 hours ago, melchevelle said:

I've found that every woman I date still talks to their exes or best friends with their exes. I really don't understand this. when I'm done, I'm done, no matter if it was consensual or not. that's just me 

after liking every single one of my instagram posts from all three of her instagram accounts, my gf then told me that her ex husband just started an IG and she liked all of his posts. it caught me off guard, but definitely didn't make me feel special. I didn't say anything at the time bc like I said, it caught me off guard. in regards to me, she said she was marking her territory.

Keep on sifting through the sand before finding the treasure. I know I had to do that. Did some things wrong and some things right along the way. Cut bait as soon as they don't match you in important things like not communicating with exes. Not every person does this. I don't, and found a man who doesn't.

I used to have a friend who always dated men who came her way and she was never proactive in her own search. She's 50 now and to my knowledge, still hasn't had one successful longterm relationship.

Step up your game and get out into the world more to meet more singles in your age group. I know myself it can be like a part-time job because I've lived it. I tried many venues. Dance lessons. Meetup. com groups. OLD. The effort eventually paid off. Good luck.

[SooSad33]

On 11/26/2021 at 3:46 PM, melchevelle said:

when we text now that she's on vacation, it's few and far between, okay, she's on vacation, but just one week ago she was declaring her undying love for me. I'm trying to connect but she's dismissive and cold. some say I'm acting desperate, others say she's not fulfilling my needs for validation in the relationship, some say I ***ed up. I'm confused and don't know what to do.

should I back off and let her come to me and keep things very cut and dry and surface level? if she really loves me as much as she says she does shouldn't things be okay?

Okay, you already said these were red flags... so she has pulled you into her love-bombing web?  😕 

You know it is not 'love',, yah she came on strong, but not anymore.. is how it goes.  Why you'd take anything seriously, with being aware of her uncertainty, no idea why you'd expect that all to last past 3 months?

Yup, I guess she did kinda **** you up?

What do you do?  Nothing.. You back away now and say no more!  Save yourself and get away from her.  Has only been 3 months!

 

[SooSad33]

On 11/28/2021 at 9:19 PM, melchevelle said:

I've found that every woman I date still talks to their exes or best friends with their exes. I really don't understand this. when I'm done, I'm done, no matter if it was consensual or not. that's just me 

after liking every single one of my instagram posts from all three of her instagram accounts, my gf then told me that her ex husband just started an IG and she liked all of his posts. it caught me off guard, but definitely didn't make me feel special.

No, not every woman does this ( and it goes both ways... men can be this way as well).  I am not friends with any of them really.  Maybe one which whom I never felt that much of a connection in order to affect me, so was easy to remain in my friend zone.

You really need to sit back and take a look at the whole picture.. 

Get away from her desperate attention ways.

SHE is not stable.

 

[melchevelle]

Just an update: it’s over.

long story short:

her vacation made her realize that she doesn’t want to start a family. This is the story she told me. I didn’t argue, I just hung up. 

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, melchevelle said:

Just an update: it’s over.

long story short:

her vacation made her realize that she doesn’t want to start a family. This is the story she told me. I didn’t argue, I just hung up. 

I'm sorry you're disappointed. But the right one for you won't put you through all this.

Onward and upward!

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, melchevelle said:

Just an update: it’s over.

long story short:

her vacation made her realize that she doesn’t want to start a family. This is the story she told me. I didn’t argue, I just hung up. 

This is better for you, in the end.

The likelihood of a happy and healthy future with her was just about nil anyway, so it's best it ends now.