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should I pull back?


melchevelle
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hi all, a quick history:

3 months ago we met online, different states, 6 hours away. we had a wonderful weekend away for our first date and things moved really fast after that.

She was very quick to say I love you and plan a future together and while visiting me during month 2, she announced to my family that she would be moving here, buying us a house, and having my babies. she ingratiated herself with my family saying that she really wanted to be apart of this family. All red flags I know, I get it, but I got caught up in the whirlwind and reciprocated her affection, but never initiated. sounds like love bombing right?

So here we are in month three, she was really worried about a medical diagnosis (nothing serious) and I was very supportive, even asking her how I can be supportive. she was very appreciative and during this time and she would talk about how we would get married and all that.  the I love yous and adoration were very plentiful from both sides until....

I had sent her a thanksgiving card in the mail with words I had written about being thankful for her and how much she means to me. she saw the card was arriving one day through her USPS app and commented "in the mail today!!" that morning and even though we texted all day, she never mentioned getting the card. so I asked if she had gotten it and she replied verbatim "just got, I love it, thank you". now coming from a couple months of heavy adoration and what not her response seemed a bit cold. I brought it up a couple days later and said that It really hurt my feelings she had nothing to really say about it. she replied that she's just not a deep person, I'm more thoughtful than she is and that I only do things to get a response from her. she turned ice cold. yes, I was expecting a more thoughtful response BASED ON her history, but that's not 100 why I sent it. she also said that I'm in for a lifetime of disappointment.  I didn't feel good about our talk

she was leaving on vacation day before thanksgiving and pretty much withdrew her love, acting cold, indifferent, unresponsive. I try to make small talk and even say ILY a few times, but she comes back cold usually with no response. when we text now that she's on vacation, it's few and far between, okay, she's on vacation, but just one week ago she was declaring her undying love for me. I'm trying to connect but she's dismissive and cold. some say I'm acting desperate, others say she's not fulfilling my needs for validation in the relationship, some say I ***ed up. I'm confused and don't know what to do.

should I back off and let her come to me and keep things very cut and dry and surface level? if she really loves me as much as she says she does shouldn't things be okay? I only communicated my feelings and wanted to talk about them, I don't feel I did anything wrong. or did I? I'm very confused how someone could say all the things she did to me and then turn ice cold.

 

 

 

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20 minutes ago, melchevelle said:

sounds like love bombing right?

Yes. And it's also often a sign of general instability and emotional immaturity, which leads to this:

21 minutes ago, melchevelle said:

pretty much withdrew her love, acting cold, indifferent, unresponsive.

People like are best avoided, OP. You're seeing why. They make poor relationship candidates since they're too impulsive and not coming from a place of rational judgment or reliable relationship skills. They bounce out of your life as quickly as they crash-landed into it. 

I get that it feels good to be adored, but when it's this over-the-top this early on, you best believe it's a major red flag.

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From what you have written you have only met each other once in three months. Is this correct? It sounds like a long distance relationship with not enough time spent in person and it was a lot of spoken/verbal affection only. Did you visit her?

How much about her do you know at all? 

While the card was thoughtful, I think she disappointed you by not saying words that you expected to hear. There might have been far less pressure to verbalize these things as opposed to seeing each other in person for example and being physically affectionate. Why not date locally? 

I'd really question whether this could transition to love based on not enough quality time spent in person. I think you should be a bit more critical of the people you let in.

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Rose, we see each other once a month for a few days. I don't know a whole hell of a lot about her and she's not very open, even though I ask. 

dating locally, yeah I've tried, it's not that easy. no one is serious and I entertain anyone who is interested in me, but I do not seek out of town companions, we just happened to click, or so I thought. 

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This early and for this few meet ups or dates, don't pressure anyone to feel the same way. You sort of haggled her and brought up a serious discussion about a card.

To be fair, when I send a card or greetings to someone, I don't necessarily expect any huge response from that person. I send it out into the world and it's good wishes to whomever I send it to. When she said that you do things to elicit a response out of her there may have been some truth to that and this might not be the first instance. 

You were taken in at the start but I think you know deep down this was disproportionate and unrealistic, all of it - your expectations of each other, what she was saying so early and her gushing all over you, etc. It's meant to be romantic and flirty but things got way too serious.

Since she's on vacation just see how it goes. You're very wrapped up in this and upset. I would pull back and reassess because this early, this few handful of meet ups and not knowing a person that well, I wouldn't be investing a whole lot of thought or emotion behind this. 

 

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I dont really think you did anything wrong. Except that you ignored the red flag that should have told you exactly how she is. She is an "infatuation" type. That means she hits with emotions and yes "love bombing" quickly. But also means she gets "cold" fast because she gets dissapointed in other person. That "disapointment" doesnt need to be anything that you did wrong, just that you didnt return her affection properly. That could be as small as "You didnt leave everything, hop on next flight and visit me when I was worried about my medical issue" small. I had one like that, trust me, its not pretty and those reason why they get disapointed are really dumb sometimes. Though I could say the same about you and that card. You were thoughtful and send a card, its up to her if she appreciates it or not, no need to remind her. Dont do that. Also, dont chase, its not a pretty sight and it doesnt really get you anything. Reciprocitate as much as she is, if she is cold dont pressure anything, dont ignore her but dont try to get more warmer reaction also. Though I think that sadly she is already on her way out by her behavior.

Edited by Kwothe28
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Both of you sound rather unstable. The relationship is 3 months young, long distance, you only saw each other a handful of times and you're back and forth with the "I love you's" and marriage plans.

No surprise it crashed and burned so quickly. There was no time for any significant trust and substance to build on either side.

Take a lesson from the experience and chill the freak down.

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Well, just regarding the Thanksgiving card. It was nice of you to send it to her, very sweet and thoughtful. However I think you over reacted about her response about the card and you were kind of expecting too much. She did say: "I got it, thank you I love it". I think that was an appropriate response and she didn't really do anything wrong. I think there's no need to act over the top grateful and say things like: "Oh my God, thank you,  thank you,  thank you, I love it soooo much!!" Lol I mean, it was just a card, it's not like you sent her a gold watch lol I think I'd be a bit annoyed if I said thank you and that I loved the cars, but the person accused me of not being grateful enough.

The card issue aside, I think there are definitely some huge red flags here and you should pay attention to them. I don't think it's really normal after only a month or so when you hadn't seen each other in person much to say that she was moving to be with you, moving in and having kids with you. Unless someone is from a  very traditional or religious culture where all dating is meant to lead to marriage and expected to marry fast, this behaviour isn't really normal. What's worse though is the blowing hot and cold. It means the person is emotionally immature and possibly mentally unstable. If she liked you to the point of saying she wanted to live with you and have kids, why is she acting so cold now? I'm obviously not a doctor and don't know this woman but sometimes these kinds of behaviours indicate having a personality disorder. The person appears really charming and extremely into you and worships you at the start. Then once they have you hooked,  they become hot and cold and start playing mind games.

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17 hours ago, melchevelle said:

dating locally, yeah I've tried, it's not that easy. no one is serious and I entertain anyone who is interested in me, but I do not seek out of town companions, we just happened to click, or so I thought. 

This is justifying your decision to settle for someone who does not meet you needs. 

An initial click is important but it's just one indication. If they are jerking you around, loving bombing, then pulling a 180 turn around,  telling you flat out:

18 hours ago, melchevelle said:

she also said that I'm in for a lifetime of disappointment.

That initial click is not that big of an indicator...

There's no shame in being single, waiting to meet a person that treats you well.  It's actually the only healthy choice and the only way you find. 

You can't buy a blue car and expect it to turn into a red car. 

You need to work on yourself and your self esteem.

Yes she said ily too soon.  Said some crazy BS to your family.  And sure you wanted that to be true... but you made a mistake going along with this... when these red flags happen you stop. You don't keep going. 

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Thank you all for your insights. Regarding her reaction to the card and why it hurt my feelings is because throughout this entire relationship anything I’ve done for her has received a pretty big reaction, which in turn makes me feel good and what I became used to. For example, 3 weeks ago I left a post it on the bathroom mirror that read “have a wonderful day ❤️“ and she replied via text “omg, I am going to treasure this for the rest of my life”.  So her reaction to my card in which I basically expressed how thankful I was for her coming into my life and how much I care for her yielded a rather flat/sterile response which is what I wasn’t used to. See my point? I know I shouldn’t expect reaction when giving, I get that, I just told her my feelings were hurt because i felt there might’ve been something else going on or if I had overstepped, I don’t know.

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This isn't you, it is her.  The reaction to the post it note would have me worried.

Everything she expressed at first was over the top and now it is the POLAR opposite (hint hint)

  Validation is nice to get but it shouldn't be a need.  Do things because you want to and want to make the other person feel good, not because you want an emotional gold star.

I think we all agree this woman is not for you but do you see it?

Are you going to keep trying or step back and let it fade away?

Lost

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54 minutes ago, melchevelle said:

Thank you all for your insights. Regarding her reaction to the card and why it hurt my feelings is because throughout this entire relationship anything I’ve done for her has received a pretty big reaction, which in turn makes me feel good and what I became used to. For example, 3 weeks ago I left a post it on the bathroom mirror that read “have a wonderful day ❤️“ and she replied via text “omg, I am going to treasure this for the rest of my life”.  So her reaction to my card in which I basically expressed how thankful I was for her coming into my life and how much I care for her yielded a rather flat/sterile response which is what I wasn’t used to. See my point? I know I shouldn’t expect reaction when giving, I get that, I just told her my feelings were hurt because i felt there might’ve been something else going on or if I had overstepped, I don’t know.

Are you blaming yourself for this? 

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lost, the polar opposite thing got me very confused and hurt honestly. Yes, i ignored the red flags in the beginning only because I was giving her the benefit of the doubt in that people “love” in their own ways. Bottom line is if she truly “loves” me the way she claimed she did then she wouldn’t be icing me and just giving me breadcrumbs to survive. 

as of last night I did back off tremendously. She reached out to share a vacation photo which I didn’t respond to then a few hours later asked me how much I got accomplished that day (which she didn’t care the past few days) which I did respond an hour later with a very basic response and a good night. She responded with “sleep well ‘pet name’”   that’s the first term of endearment in almost a week. 
 

I hate doing this, it feels like a game, but there’s not much I can do while she’s on vacation except protect myself and really reflect on what this really is. It gives me a sense of control for myself in a situation that is seemingly out of my control. 

 

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This is the point of dating. Seeing over time how a partner behaves, and whether or not you're a good match, that there aren't any deal breakers, and if you're satisfied more often than upset. Take it all in and act accordingly for your best interest.

Long distance dating is the hardest form of dating there is. I believe that often when one seeks this out, as apparently she did with you, that local dating is worse for her because a guy will see more quickly how she is poor dating material and dump her in a flash. He will see skeletons in her closet far sooner, or negative traits.

When I did OLD, I limited dating guys who lived within a 45 minute drive from me. It takes dating a boatload of people to find the right match. Dating within close proximity allowed me to find out far sooner what a person was really like. I cut most loose, allowing me to stay single until meeting my future husband. 

This took me about 2 and a half years. If I'd entertained the idea of communicating for lengthy amounts of time with the myriad of long distance guys who contacted me (even though I'd written I only dated locally), my search for a forever partner might have taken 10 times longer.

If I were you, I'd supplement OLD with Meetup.com and other ways to get yourself out into the world. Volunteering at a zoo or museum or environmental cleanups. Classes in cooking or dancing or painting. Book discussions groups, co-ed sports are other ways to meet singles or people who might know someone who is your age and single for a set-up.

Good luck.

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51 minutes ago, melchevelle said:

Lambert, yes, I am blaming myself for this. I thought I was doing the right thing by sharing my feelings and wanting to talk it over, but maybe I don’t know half of what I think about growth in relationships. 

This isn't about growth in a relationship, though. 

This comes down to ignoring huge red flags in the beginning, and not truly grapsing why it's those very red flags that have brought you where you are today with this woman. 

Whether you pull back or not is not the problem. 

 

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On 11/26/2021 at 2:27 PM, melchevelle said:

Rose, we see each other once a month for a few days. I don't know a whole hell of a lot about her and she's not very open, even though I ask. 

dating locally, yeah I've tried, it's not that easy. no one is serious and I entertain anyone who is interested in me, but I do not seek out of town companions, we just happened to click, or so I thought. 

Okay whoa I have to stop you on one very important sentence you wrote: You entertain anyone who is interested in you. That’s where your problem is. You need to not just let anyone be in your life just because they like you. You need to be selective, I’m quite serious. I used to be like this. If the guy liked me it was good enough for me. Until one day a good friend pulled me aside and asked me to ask if I really reciprocated the interest back.

 

I thought about the past guys I dated and I saw where I went wrong, I was settling for nitwits because they ‘liked me’. 
 


You deserve nothing but positive and rational people in your life which she is neither.

 

please always ask yourself if you truly like the person or you only are agreeable to them because they like you.

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I am going to be very blunt with you.

She is either BiPolar and was manic when you first started this whirlwind romance or she is manipulating you with hot and cold emotions so you will be easy to handle and control.

Just look at yourself right now.  You are blaming yourself for her cold shoulder because you sent her a card and wanted to talk about YOUR feelings?  This is setting you up to take the blame for everything and mold yourself into whatever she wants.  You are already losing who you are chasing after her.

  I lived though some of this.  When it was good it was the best but when it was bad it was the worst you could imagine and then she would act like it never happened a few days later.

  If you stay what will be the cost?  At the very least slow this thing way down so you can actually get to know her.  If she will not tell you about herself that is just another red flag flying high. 

Be careful, this isn't looking good.

Lost

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Lost, for my own peace of mind, what would she be gaining from me by manipulation? She knows I don’t have money or anything, she told me she doesn’t want anything but love and a partner to do life with. She is allegedly very wealthy, very attractive and very independent. I am moderately attractive, working class and independent.

as far as seeing the red flags and everything, which I agree with everyone, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place either seeing red flags OR am I projecting my own fears and insecurities by interpreting her behaviors? I have people saying that I’m in the wrong, that this is how “normal” people are and I’m too needy, I’m projecting, or the problem is her.
 

I have backed off 99% and she reached out once yesterday and I responded. 2 texts total. She’s on vacation I get it, but if you “love” like she claims she does wouldn’t there be a little more? Or is this normal? It feels like a game and I hate it, but I’m walking on eggshells and not tryna poke the bear. 
 

I know you all don’t know me, her, or every detail and we’re all doing our best, and I APPRECIATE this whole heartedly. I’m just very confused. Lots of people saying she might be the most normal person I’ve ever met and I’m projecting therefore pushing her away 

 

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I feel like I went through a similar-ish situation a year ago, which is a topic I posted about on this forum back in February when our relationship ended in January. Mine lasted for 3 months, and I resonated with quite a lot of what you said in your original post. The most similarities being in the sense of coming on very strong, initiating a lot of our relationship, saying that they loved me first, and then turning pretty cold and distant around the 2 1/2 month mark. They eventually then ended it with me after going very off with me for about a week. 

From the tone of your post and some of your responses to other users, I agree with what they are saying that you appear to be blaming yourself, and as another user said, this could be setting you up for a long time of instantly blaming yourself even if it isn't really your fault at all.

I also agree with what somebody else said about it being nice to be adored. I felt this too, and is probably one of the hardest bridges I had to move past when my ex left me, as that sudden withdrawal of affection can be really jarring and upsetting. Her saying that you are in for a lifetime of disappointment is also a bit concerning, as I think that is quite dismissive. I get that everyone is different, but still

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2 hours ago, melchevelle said:

Lots of people saying she might be the most normal person I’ve ever met and I’m projecting therefore pushing her away 

Who is saying this, and do they know about this?

On 11/26/2021 at 9:46 PM, melchevelle said:

while visiting me during month 2, she announced to my family that she would be moving here, buying us a house, and having my babies.

Because i don't know too many adults who would consider this normal behaviour (unless they are equally impulsive and unstable themselves)

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9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Who is saying this, and do they know about this?

Because i don't know too many adults who would consider this normal behaviour (unless they are equally impulsive and unstable themselves)

I guess I was referring to the basic breadcrumbs she throws me whilst on vacation. They are saying I’m acting too desperate to connect while she’s literally lying on a beach, staying in a home with friends and posting on IG.
Yes, these people know the whole situation. See why I’m confused?

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6 minutes ago, melchevelle said:

I guess I was referring to the basic breadcrumbs she throws me whilst on vacation. They are saying I’m acting too desperate to connect while she’s literally lying on a beach, staying in a home with friends and posting on IG.
Yes, these people know the whole situation. See why I’m confused?

Honestly, no. 

I would question the judgment of people who think her behaviour with crash-landing into your life is normal. Sorry. 

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