Stuck between two great men

[Reann1012]

Let's get right to it then.. I'm am a 28 year old woman with more than a few issues.. I've been with the first  man for two years.. his 13 year old daughter has my whole heart and  her mother isn't all that involved so the daughter and I have grown extremely close.. and we've been through a miss carriage.. we'll I went through a miss carriage with his child, he wasn't there for me not even when I was taken from a local store to the er by ambulance.. not even a text till days later.. and I texted him first..  I've been telling him for the last almost 6 months that I didn't feel like he loved me or cared about me anymore.. we've had multiple huge fights about it in which he runs off for days Everytime.. so I left him.. and no surprise, he let me go.. now the last couple months of our relationship is where the second man comes into the picture.. and it was a friendship to begin with until my relationship ended and I decided one night why the hell not.. and within a month I felt like I whole heartedly found my match.. but he tried denying me my 13 year old bonus baby.. and while we we're going through that the first man started texting professing his love and how he'd be a better man for me and his daughter.. and so I went back to the first man.. but I feel like I  know that my heart is with the second man.. he is all I can think of.. literally every second of everyday he is on the forefront of my mind.. to the extent of Everytime I wake up at night he is on my mind.. even if to just roll over.. cause I cant seem to get comfortable anymore.. what do I do..?? I don't want to break the first mans heart cause I know he's been through a lot  and I feel like the daughter needs me.. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Reann1012 said:

  within a month I felt like I whole heartedly found my match.. but he tried denying me my 13 year old bonus baby.. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately they both seem like poor choices 

What is a "bonus baby"? You need to stop being the unpaid nanny for the on/off abusive guy.

The second guy was just someone to run to.

End it with the first man. He just doesn't care and all abusers cycle around being jerks then claiming they'll change. His daughter is unfortunately the product of he and his her mother's dysfunction and she's simply clinging to anyone she can. Stay out of it.

As far as month long man, he was just filler.

The real issue seems to be that you want a commitment and family and this man won't offer that.

Follow up with your doctor about the miscarriage. Discuss appropriate contraception until you are in a stable committed relationship. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

The sooner you leave this man and stop interfering with his daughter, the sooner you'll be able to find a good man.

 

[Jibralta]

I agree with everything that Wiseman has said! These two men are the opposite of great. The first one is an uncaring mess with the hot/cold behavior of an abuser. The second one is a rebound--you monkeybranched into him to avoid the pain of your first break up. The girl is unfortunately stuck in the middle.... Why don't you show her how to make a clean break instead of this messy back and forth? She will understand why you can't come around anymore, and it will help her tremendously in the long run to see an adult make a mature decision instead of making an even bigger mess like everyone seems to be doing around there to satisfy their own selfish "I want I want me me me" ends.

 

[Madlike]

Not sure what a bonus baby is. I’m guessing it’s some form of payment (baby bonus?).

About the first guy, couldn’t agree more. The first one is a manipulative abuser. As soon as he sees you’re moving on to a someone new, here come the lies, the manipulation, whatever it takes to “save” his ego the torture of rejection. Don’t believe his lies. Abusers will take you on an endless cycle. They always claim they will change but will say what it takes to make you stay.

The second one, looks like he won’t commit fully yet. He’s stuck in the middle. If you like him, you better stand your ground with the first one. The first already got too many chances anyway.  Unless you like being stuck in a toxic relationship 

[Kwothe28]

3 minutes ago, Madlike said:

Not sure what a bonus baby is. I’m guessing it’s some form of payment (baby bonus?).

 

As I understand, she considers her first guy 13 year old daughter her baby. Very unhealthy but people do bond like that sometimes.

OP, sorry, but you are not her mom. You can maybe keep in touch with her to check how she is doing, but as you are not with her father, you are not her stepmom so that is where you need to put a boundary. And I agree with others, its in abusers nature to act in a bad manner and after you leave to begs you to come back and tells you how "he loves you". Only to act the same after you come back. Be smart, dont fall for that. You do deserve better.

Dunno about the second guy, seems like somebody who you kept in there to fall back if first one fails. 

[smackie9]

Both are poor choices....you can do better than that.

[Reann1012]

I already messed up big time then by getting back with the first guy.. but when he looks at me I can see the pain in his eyes from me getting with the second guy.. or maybe is disgust.. idk.. but how do I fix all this and keep my dignity and self respect.. 

[Madlike]

6 minutes ago, Reann1012 said:

I already messed up big time then by getting back with the first guy.. but when he looks at me I can see the pain in his eyes from me getting with the second guy.. or maybe is disgust.. idk.. but how do I fix all this and keep my dignity and self respect.. 

What is it that you truly want? You need to be very firm with the first guy. You can’t be weak. Hold your foot down and tell him that you want to move on. Actually do it. When an abuser knows they can bring you back, they will do what it takes or say anything to you because they know you will stay 

 

If you say you messed up, then is he truly what you want? No.

[Lambert]

9 minutes ago, Reann1012 said:

I already messed up big time then by getting back with the first guy.. but when he looks at me I can see the pain in his eyes from me getting with the second guy.. or maybe is disgust.. idk.. but how do I fix all this and keep my dignity and self respect.. 

within 11 hours of your post, you are back together with the first guy? 

[Madlike]

49 minutes ago, Reann1012 said:

I already messed up big time then by getting back with the first guy.. but when he looks at me I can see the pain in his eyes from me getting with the second guy.. or maybe is disgust.. idk.. but how do I fix all this and keep my dignity and self respect.. 

also what dignity? Your self respect is already diminished by trying to get back with an abuser like that!

[Fudgie]

First guy has no right to judge you for what you did while you two were broken up, and vice versa. 

First man is not great, he's abusive and hot/cold. The relationship will inevitably end again. 

Second man is likely a rebound but you could still try it out. Regardless of what you do with the second man it's pretty clear that the first one has got to go and you have to cut off both him and the daughter so everyone can heal. 

She is not your "bonus baby". She is your abusive boyfriend's daughter. 

[SooSad33]

I say you stay away from both of them!

First one is no good... pulling away then asking for you to come back.. jealousy? Control? is all ridiculous.

Then this new guy, as mentioned ( a rebound), because at this time you are still reeling over the first one, therefore you are NOT over all of that, with your 'second guessing', on what to do... If your actions are right, etc.

So, none of this you're experiencing is any good for you.

Is best to step back from both and work on yourself.  Otherwise you can end up bouncing back & forth, messing everyone up!  is this what you want? Can you handle the emotional & mental mess it'll serve you?  No.

Then think for yourself and just stop it all.  Remain single for a good while, as you work on accepting & healing from the effects of the first guy.  Do not go getting involved again while you are still dealing with that.

You consider getting involved again when you know you are over the ex.  When you are more mentally & emotionally stable.