Question to the ladies - after the 2nd date

[SilverFactory]

Title says ladies but of course men can also offer their perspective 😀

Ladies, let's say you meet a man in a dating app. He works in Google, in Android. The chat and phone calls go well and you meet for the first date for coffee. After the first date he asks you out for dinner for the second date and you agree to meet him

After the second date you realize that you can only see him as a friend and nothing more but have not yet informed him about that

The next day you purchase a new Google Pixel phone and while doing data transfer you end up losing all your photos. Would you text him and ask for help or since you are not interested in dating him anymore you would choose not to contact him?

 

[Batya33]

I would never contact him for help - it's inappropriate and presumptuous.  Ironically, a man I didn't end up dating through a dating site 15 years later sold us virus protection software - he works in IT.  I did end up meeting him in person.  I moved to a city where he had family  I didn't meet him originally because I realized the long distance thing was ridiculous.  When I moved I was married and had a baby.  He came to my city to meet someone through a dating site and asked if I'd like to meet him (and her!) for a walk on their second "date" - my husband couldn't make it so I brought the baby and we met.  Then we met again for lunch twice when he was in town .

He has an IT business so we went to him when we needed software (yes, we paid!). And yes over the years I did reach out to him with IT related questions but we were friends and I'd supported him by expressing condolences and donating to charities when he lost family members.  So a little different.  But no way would I ask someone for help in that way if I'd told the person I wasn't interested in a friendship or dating.  

[SilverFactory]

Hi Batya! Thanks for your response

So, the woman has not yet informed the guy that she only likes him as a friend after the second date. Would she still ask the guy ask for help about her lost photos since he works in Android, Google so he could help? What would women generally do after the second date when they realize they don't see the guy as more than a friend?

[Batya33]

So if it was someone I wasn’t already good friends with and realized I didn’t want to date him I’d never ask for business advice or any favor. I mean sure if I wanted to be his customer or client and it wasn’t awkward I might do that because I’m paying for the product or service.  For example I ended things with a guy the day after I met his parents.  He’d already offered to have his father give me a second opinion on oral surgery for free. But I ended things because the guy acted like a jerk after being lovely for two months.  In an effort to get me back I guess he left me a message asking if I was still going to send his dad the X-rays for the second opinion and that his dad was happy to help. I didn’t because I wanted nothing to do with him nor did I want to give the impression I did. 

[SilverFactory]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

So if it was someone I wasn’t already good friends with and realized I didn’t want to date him I’d never ask for business advice or any favor. I mean sure if I wanted to be his customer or client and it wasn’t awkward I might do that because I’m paying for the product or service.  

hmm.. Ok

I am asking because I am finding myself in this situation (just changed the company and product name)

After the second date she texted me the next day and asked for advice about her lost photos. Me, being an idiot as usual, gave her lot of help and advice. I also spoke to my colleagues and got their help as well

Then when I asked her for the third date she said she already had plans for the weekend. So the next week I asked her again and she said she does not see me as more than a friend 😔

[Batya33]

It’s possible she wasn’t yet sure when she asked.  But as you know we can meet people regularly who take advantage in that way. Also I find that people don’t think of time as money.  So a service isn’t worthy like a product is. 

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Silver,

Unfortunately, your question is somewhat moot, as the women you were interested in clearly would ask for help from a man who she knew to be interested, but toward whom she was not interested (or at least undecided).

However, to soften the inevitable heartache that realisation might bring, I would suggest that you already feel that it would be morally wrong to ask for help in this situation. So the fact that she did demonstrates prima facie she was not suitable as a partner, regardless of her interest. 

Anyway, I hope you can bounce back and have a better experience next time round,

T

[greendots]

That's not cool. I'd say, she could've handled it much better.

I hope you find someone else who treats you well. 🙂

[SilverFactory]

18 minutes ago, WaywardKiwi said:

as the women you were interested in clearly would ask for help from a man who she knew to be interested, but toward whom she was not interested (or at least undecided).

really? I find this very surprising to be honest

[Cherylyn]

No, don't ask him for help otherwise you could end up owing him favors .  Taking turns for future favors are endless.  'Owe nobody nothing' as my late father advised. 

He is more serious than you are regarding continuous dating whereas you prefer friendship.  It's better to end it permanently, gently, kindly and respectfully. 

[WaywardKiwi]

1 hour ago, SilverFactory said:

really? I find this very surprising to be honest

I may have misunderstood, but isn't the situation below exactly what you describe:

1 hour ago, SilverFactory said:

After the second date she texted me the next day and asked for advice about her lost photos... the next week I asked her again and she said she does not see me as more than a friend 😔

Are you in fact seeking some reassurance that she is in fact interested, despite explicitly stating otherwise?

[SilverFactory]

No, I am not seeking reassurance that she is in fact interested. I am saying that I am surprised because a woman that I only met for 2 dates would ask for help even after she realizes that she is not interested in me romantically

[Kwothe28]

You find it surprising that she knew she has no interest and yet had no shame in asking for help? Have you ever met people?

Some people think its within their God given birthright to ask for stuff like that. Because they dont appreciate your time and effort and think they are entitled to it. Ofcourse you couldnt expect from her to hook up with you just because of it. But she knew you like her so she took advantage of that fact and asked. I am sorry that happened, but now you at least know how she is and how is her character. So you can move on in piece. Also, block her. She now presumes you are friends and will have no shame in asking again. You dont need that kind of people in your life. Again, look at all this as blessings in disguise and move on.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

. So the next week I asked her again and she said she does not see me as more than a friend 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it's par for the course with OLD.

Keep in mind after a couple of dates, you're both still talking to and meeting others.

The phone has nothing to do with anything.

Just delete and block her since you don't want to be in the friendzone.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it's par for the course with OLD.

I don't think it makes a difference how they met except that they were strangers.  Same if they'd met at a bar or another in person location where they started out with strangers.  

OP -like I said I've had this issue with people having really poor boundaries and an entitlement perspective ranging from the moms in my Facebook group who without a thought will ask you to "send me the link" with no please or thank you after you responded to their inquiry of "where is a good place to take my child to ____" - like, hello you can do your own google search, not your secretary - to the people who ask for job advice and know you're going to pull in a favor to make a connection and  then follow up with a week later as to whether you can contact your connection again to find out why there was no response.  And on and on.

  I found people like this way before Internet/social media -it's an attitude and you dodged a bullet and I'm sorry she behaved so tackily and shabbily.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, SilverFactory said:

No, I am not seeking reassurance that she is in fact interested. I am saying that I am surprised because a woman that I only met for 2 dates would ask for help even after she realizes that she is not interested in me romantically

I agree that that's surprising. It only speaks of her, not 'all women,' and it shows her to be a user.

I guess two things would help me reconcile this as an issue of trust for me moving forward.

First, I'd ask myself whether I'd have been willing to help to this degree a neighbor or someone else who I've only know casually. If that answer is yes, then that would help to take some of the sting out of having invested my time and services this way. I could say that I wasn't exactly manipulated because my help was voluntary, even if I believed I was doing it for someone with more dating potential.

Second, I'd avoid apply a broad brush of mistrust to all people, or all women. That's self sabotage, because it slams shut YOUR potential for future dating. Instead, I'd set my internal trust meter to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 with new people, and I'd allow them to SHOW me by their behavior over t.i.m.e. whether to invest more trust or withdraw it.

This prevents all-or-nothing thinking that can box you into barriers that are unnecessary.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you'll choose wisely against harming yourself with the experience.

Head high.