Long story Fiancé issue

[Captainmantastic]

So I have a fiancé and two sons from a previous marriage in my life until recently. Her and I have been together for 6 years. She has been a bigger part of my son’s lives then their mother since she and I started dating. One of my sons just contracted HSV1 March of this year. Not sure the hows or who’s. When he found out, he was dating a girl. He told her and it was hard but they are still together 6 months later. This girl may be his only chance at happily ever after and kids. They were both going to join the military and go out and see the world. My son asked if she could move in, be workout partners, and join when they were ready. I said yes not thinking to ask my fiancé about it. I am wrong. They have both gotten cold feet and are wanting to go into the nursing field now. My fiancé is temper tantruming and wants her out sooner than later. She doesn’t know about the HSV1 and thinks it’s just wrong to have young people shacked up like that. I truly feel like this is my sons one of few chances in life to experience love and possibly children due to the stigma of herpes. I feel like his happiness is more important than mine. So if the fiancé wants to break up/move out because I’m not willing to make the gF move out am I wrong? They both have good jobs and want to save to take a nursing class soon. Living under my roof will enable them the ability to save a lot and assist them on the path of happily ever after. 

[smackie9]

Your son is an adult and should stand on his own two feet. Him and his GF can get a cheap place and make a go of it. They will realize if they want certain things in life, they will have to sacrifice and work hard for it...learn the value of a dollar as they say. They will appreciate it more in the long run rather than having a parent coddle them through it.

There are plenty of people out there that can accomplish their dreams without the help of their parents.

Time to cut the apron strings.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Captainmantastic said:

Living under my roof will enable them the ability to save a lot and assist them on the path of happily ever after. 

Sorry to hear this. Is it your house? Does she pay rent? Yes, let her move out. That way you can live with and support your own kids and their partners as you see fit.

Since your GF was not consulted on this she should not have to pay toward you and your household of kids and their partners.

[Lambert]

I think you answered your own question.  His happiness is more important to you.  

Right or wrong?  Who is to say.  I think everyone should do what they choose to because each person has to live with the consequences.

You have to live with what you choose.  So you do what you think is best for you.  Not what is popular.  

Does that mean your fiancee has to live with it?  no.  She can very well decide this is a deal breaker.  And that is her choice, too.  

[smackie9]

I think you can make a compromise and help them out financially, like pay half their rent, have them over for dinner. That would keep the peace.

[itsallgrand]

I don't understand. This is a woman you were planning to marry and who has been more involved with your kids than their own mother. Why wouldn't you include her in important decision making? When does she get a say in your lives together? Never? Do you not believe she has the best interests of your son in mind, remembering she is operating with limited information here? 

I can't imagine she will want to go backwards after 6 years, an engagement, and living together. It could be the end of your relationship if you don't work on some way to show her she is an equal partner in this relationship. 

As for how much you are worried this is your son's only chance at love... I don't necessarily agree with that. It's much more common than most people think. I understand it's your instincts to try and protect him and bubble wrap him, but I do think you are over reacting by thinking his only shot is if him and his current girlfriend live with you. 

 

[catfeeder]

Why 'must' this be an all-or-nothing issue? Aren't you dealing with two adults?

I'd ask the couple how I can best help them to get off the ground in finding their own place.

I'd maybe offer to shop for it with them, and if I could afford it, maybe pay first and last plus security deposit, then subsidize over time with a smaller and smaller percentage toward their rent.

I'd give them a deadline to find something with my help and without creating issues in my home. However, if they aren't out by that date, or if they create a problem about this with my fiance', then the offer is off the table, and they can go fend for themselves--like adults.

Plenty of people work and go to nursing school. They can take turns or find a night or weekend program. I'd offer all the support, financially and otherwise, that I can in the context of keeping my own relationship healthy and happy.

This doesn't need to be a black and white issue. Either I'm capable of negotiating with my family and my partner, or I'm not. It's not about being 'wrong,' it's about being considerate without being a doormat--to anyone.

[SooSad33]

Ohh the challenges 😕 .

Is there a reason the fiance is so upset about this? YOu said especially sons gf?

As mentioned, this issue with him does not mean he'll never get a chance at love/kids etc.

And you have no idea IF they will progress in a healthy manner in this relationship. Is still so early ( 6 mos), I am guessing they both just finished school?  (every relationship takes time to build, expectations, respect, trust, communication and it takes energy).  Who knows if they've got what it takes.

So, maybe think on this... is it really best to have her move in with you guys?  Where are her parents in this? ( is there a reason she can't attend her studies/future at her own?).