The Most complicated

[Deutsch]

Hallo.. Status: After a 4 Years relationship with two main problems (different religion and parents disagreement) we made it to 4 years obercoming all our differences u till she is back connected to her roots and emotionally unavailable .. the differences emerged again to the surface and we broke up… 3 Weeks of no contact then she called and we met … First meeting : the dumped me was so self controlling and showed no emotions .. her ( i used to cry cause ill never find someone like u) … 1 week later ( the dumped explained his feelings and admitted his love while she said i love you but only as a friend and i dont want to enter a new relationship) .. next day she called him (as a friend) he snapped out and told her not to call him again and explained how much she hurt him… Currently no contact again … i was too pushy and reacted badly at the end … how can i win her back ?

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Deutsch said:

 two main problems (different religion and parents disagreement. she is back connected to her roots .

What are these religious/cultural problems, exactly?

Do you both live with your parents? How old is she?

Is she scheduled for an arranged marriage? What do you mean "reconnected to her roots"?

Whose family is objecting to your relationship?

This is a fundamental incompatibly. 

Don't try to stay friends. Make a clean break. 

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

After 4 years you know each other well enough to know it hasn't worked and isn't going to.

 

[Kwothe28]

27 minutes ago, Deutsch said:

till she is back connected to her roots and emotionally unavailable

Yes, that is usually what happens when parents and a bunch of cousins and friends get in your head

She made the decision to broke up. You were hurt and reacted in that way. She made a very calculated decision(even went no contact for some time to give you notice) probably under influence of her "roots". I dont think you can do anything here. And that you made the right decision by not staying friends. Take some time off and try to heal, stay "no contact". 

[LaHermes]

5 hours ago, Deutsch said:

… how can i win her back ?

Don't even consider it, Deutsch.

These are serious obstacles.  And always, always there under the surface. 

5 hours ago, Deutsch said:

(different religion and parents disagreement

I ask the same questions as Wiseman and my advice is the same. 

[smackie9]

Religion and family is part of who she is, and who you are. None of you can give that up. Marriage is a blend of beliefs, core values and family right? So how is this to work? There's a big wide boundary between you two since the beginning, and you both ignored it. And now you have to face reality. This won't survive on love alone. It's plain to see this can't and won't work.

Even if you "win her back" what then? The big fat elephant is still in the room, and there isn't a doorway wide enough for it to go through.

[Rose Mosse]

8 hours ago, Deutsch said:

Hallo.. Status: After a 4 Years relationship with two main problems (different religion and parents disagreement) we made it to 4 years obercoming all our differences u till she is back connected to her roots and emotionally unavailable .. the differences emerged again to the surface and we broke up… 3 Weeks of no contact then she called and we met … First meeting : the dumped me was so self controlling and showed no emotions .. her ( i used to cry cause ill never find someone like u) … 1 week later ( the dumped explained his feelings and admitted his love while she said i love you but only as a friend and i dont want to enter a new relationship) .. next day she called him (as a friend) he snapped out and told her not to call him again and explained how much she hurt him… Currently no contact again … i was too pushy and reacted badly at the end … how can i win her back ?

But nobody is "winning" if you both get back together. Both of you are incompatible. Be more respectful of the differences. Let go.

[melancholy123]

This is over, she is done.  You cant win over parents and relatives who are in her head.

[LaHermes]

8 hours ago, Deutsch said:

different religion

OP. This is the main problem.  There are those (never quite understood why) who will "pretend" not to be tied to their religion in order to move a relationship forward.  But that hurdle is always there. 

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, Deutsch said:

she said i love you but only as a friend and i dont want to enter a new relationship

Here is your answer. Even if you can manipulate her back, that would just be setting yourself up for the same breakup, different day.

If the woman ever decides that she made a mistake and DOES see a future with you, she'll have no problem letting you know this, regardless of how you reacted to the breakup.

Rather than trying to squelch any hope of that (if that's even possible) I'd put it on my back burner as a comfort while I move forward with my own self development to build a future for myself that I can be proud of. 

That's a win/win, because if ex never wants to reconcile you'll have made great strides in healing, and you'll grow confident in your resilience. If she ever does want to reconcile, you'll be better positioned to negotiate that rather than feeling like a one-down sad sap who hovered in grief and never grew from this experience.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Deutsch]

 

 

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What are these religious/cultural problems, exactly?

Do you both live with your parents? How old is she?

Is she scheduled for an arranged marriage? What do you mean "reconnected to her roots"?

Whose family is objecting to your relationship?

This is a fundamental incompatibly. 

Don't try to stay friends. Make a clean break. 

Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

After 4 years you know each other well enough to know it hasn't worked and isn't going to.

 

Age 33 and 26 .. we are both grownups .. both working and have our own Homes..

We dont know if it would have worked or not .. we kept delaying the religion problem and never faced it .. what i expected was after marriage .. i would change my name to be compatible and we will force the Parents to accept us as we are ..

But Religion shouldn't be stopping people from loving each other ..when you both believe there is a God but the rituals are different then it shouldnt end …

I believe i can win her parents and relatives by sacrificing alot from my side …

we lived through Heaven and Hell together.. isnt it worth it to fight till the end ??

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Deutsch said:

But Religion shouldn't be stopping people from loving each other ..

We lived through Heaven and Hell together.. isnt it worth it to fight till the end ??

Fighting what? A relationship is not a holy war. What do you mean by "sacrificing a lot"?

She's old enough to make her own choices and her choice is being serious with someone of her own religion/culture.

It's possible that's just and excuse because "going through hell" together seems like things were quite awful.

Let go. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Deutsch said:

i would change my name to be compatible and we will force the Parents to accept us as we are ..

Not how it works. Are you willing to convert to her religion? Because pretty sure that would be their demand. I dated a Muslim girl when I was at college. She was nice, not even that religious. But yes, if I wanted to marry her, I would have to convert. That is what her family would have demanded. We broke up because of the other stuff but religion was the obstacle at least for later.

3 hours ago, Deutsch said:

we lived through Heaven and Hell together.. isnt it worth it to fight till the end ??

Yes if both are willing to fight. In a situation where she willingly broke up, there is nothing to fight for.

[LaHermes]

6 hours ago, Deutsch said:

i would change my name to be compatible and we will force the Parents to accept us as we are ..

 

You can't force anyone to do anything OP.

6 hours ago, Deutsch said:

But Religion shouldn't be stopping people from loving each other ..when you both believe there is a God but the rituals are different then it shouldnt end …

You are talking to a stone wall OP.  Religion can't stop you from loving someone, but it sure can stop you from marrying that person!  And well you know it. Particularly where religion and culture are so closely enmeshed, as is the case with this woman.   And as Wiseman says, surely this is not a holy war!

Have some respect for yourself and don't obliterate yourself to the point of changing your name and becoming a "sacrifice".   Your life would become pure misery.

You have wasted four years already. Don't waste any more time. You will meet someone who is culturally compatible.

[Deutsch]

On 9/18/2021 at 9:56 PM, catfeeder said:

Here is your answer. Even if you can manipulate her back, that would just be setting yourself up for the same breakup, different day.

If the woman ever decides that she made a mistake and DOES see a future with you, she'll have no problem letting you know this, regardless of how you reacted to the breakup.

Rather than trying to squelch any hope of that (if that's even possible) I'd put it on my back burner as a comfort while I move forward with my own self development to build a future for myself that I can be proud of. 

That's a win/win, because if ex never wants to reconcile you'll have made great strides in healing, and you'll grow confident in your resilience. If she ever does want to reconcile, you'll be better positioned to negotiate that rather than feeling like a one-down sad sap who hovered in grief and never grew from this experience.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Thank you.. Its extremely hard letting go.. she was one of a Kind.. A hardworking woman with strong personality and at the same time someone who brings joy to my life and supports me .. Giving up was never easy ..