How do I grieve/heal from letting go of Abusive parents?

[PrincessBee]

Soo... finally plucked up the courage to tell my [VERY SCARY, ABUSIVE] parents that they cant have a relationship with me or my new baby if theyre not willing to stop the abuse. They think im being ridiculous or hysterical and have ceased contact. But they've been physically, mentally, emotionally abusive to me since childhood. [THEY HAVE ALCHOHOL PROBLEMS]. 

Im having difficulty accepting their decision to just "not care" because they treat my big sister differently, they respect her and were never horrible to her. I think were always annoyed i was the 2nd girl, not a son. It BREAKS MY HEART seeing them loving her and her sons, but not me and my sons. [My sister feels a bit guilty because she sees the difference]

I reached out to a therapist who told me some very hard to hear truths...

1. THEYRE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE

2. THEY WILL NEVER TREAT YOU LIKE YOUR SISTER

3. YOU HAVE TO BE ADULT WITH THEM AND NOT LET THEM GET TO YOU

4. YOU MAY NEVER KNOW WHY THEY TREAT YOU DIFFERENTLY

I was expecting maybe a little "there there" from the therapist but I left feeling more hurt and more pain. However, shes right. 

So, I must carry on, limit my contact with my parents because of THEIR behaviour. I'm never going to have the love that my sister has, but i must watch from afar. This is going to KILL ME but its for the best.... My question is; how can I get through this loss? I feel like its a break up or that im greiving the parental love im NEVER going to get... How am i going to get through this? 

 

 

 

[melancholy123]

Your therapist as totally right.  I felt much like you do with the way my mother treated me vs how she treated my older bro.  He could do no wrong, I could do no right.  I had that figured out by the time I was 5.

I moved out at 18, I'd had enough.  Armed with a high school diploma, I got a job and was gone.  I'd had enough and wasnt going to take her controlling ways any longer.  My dad was a nice man, so it was hard to leave him, but not mother, that was actually very freeing.

You will have to work thru this, talk to your therapist if you find her useful.  Make your life how you want it to be, not how others think you need to live it.  I doubt I ever did anything my mother approved of, and that's ok, as I approve of me and who I became.  You can get there too, it just takes time.

[Cherylyn]

You get through it by accepting the fact that your relationship with them wasn't meant to be.  Some people have wonderful family relationships whereas others don't.  It's the way it is.  Some people are luckier and more fortunate than others. 

You get through it by feeling tougher instead of weak and defeated.  Change the way you think and you will become resilient. 

What helps me is knowing that enforced healthy boundaries is a way to have peace between all  relationships.  There is peace within your soul knowing you've eliminated unnecessary, extra stress and angst. Have a "Good Riddance!" mentality and you will feel relieved as opposed to feeling that you need them more than they need you.  Once you become realistic, your pain diminishes over time.  This has been my experience.

Don't place so much importance on others.  Prioritize yourself, take good care of your health, get distracted and focus on your interests.  Create your own safety net. 

It's all about respect.  Whenever anyone doesn't treat you with respect, they don't deserve your time, attention, energy, labor and resources.  You need to take good care of yourself including your mental health.

It's better to be alone and peaceful than feeling lonely with wrong people in your life.  Just because they're family, it doesn't mean you don't have the right to judge them harshly.  Judging harshly is a reminder to yourself regarding how others either treat you with fairness or perpetrators are eliminated from your life.  Or, your enforced boundaries grow even stronger. 

[catfeeder]

Awww, I'll give some 'there, there...'

I understand you're feeling emotional right now, but when you're ready, consider dealing with specifics rather than some big general abstraction--nobody can resolve those--ever.

What, exactly, did your parents say or do that tipped your scale to giving them a generalized ultimatum?

Fact is, NObody is going to respond to an accusation of abuse with, "Oh, you're so right, we've been so wrong, and we'll stop being abusers."

It just won't happen.

So deal in specifics: what are your conditions realistically?

Once you can pinpoint the behavior(s) that you want but aren't getting OR the ones that you won't allow in your home, then you have a point of negotiation.

Otherwise, you're just calling your parents horrible people and then grieving over the fact that they won't admit to being horrible--and what's the point in doing that?

Get specific, instead--not about your whole history of complaints, but rather, what is the single most important issue TODAY?

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with catfeeder.  No one is forthcoming with admitting wrongdoing, no one will apologize nor give you what you want.  Lower your expectations to nil.  The less you expect, the less you'll hurt.

Enforce boundaries.

[lostandhurt]

Very heartbreaking childhood to endure.

  I don't think you mourn the loss of love from your parents since they really never gave you that love.  What you can mourn is the lost hope that they would one day see that you are lovable and they screwed up big time.

  You are not broken or unlovable they are.  Withholding love and being abusive to your own child is not parenting, it is cruel.  I would even go as far to say they aren't your parents for the way they treated you, they were more like your caregivers almost like a foster parent. 

  What you are feeling is acceptance.  You made your stand (good on you by the way) and hoped deep down that they would hear you and rethink what they have inflicted upon you and change.  When that didn't happen the reality of who they really are hit you in the face and you could no longer wish it away or dream of the day when they showed you love.  Now you have to accept this is the way they are and the way it will be.

In time I believe you will feel lucky you broke the bond and got away.  The stress and continuous let down has had to eat at you all these years.  Well now you can stop wasting time on them and focus on all the other people in your life that do love you.  Think about changing your perspective on this from a loss to a gain. 

What have you really lost?

Lost

[DarkCh0c0]

Oh I'm so sorry about this. I have similar parents too.

I just know in the back of my mind that one day I'll have to cease contact with them- or more so, they'll be the ones to do it- once I stand up for certain things I want in life. It's sad, but I've come to accept it with time. I just keep pushing the topic, because for now it's irrelevant. But one day, when things get real, they will know and they will not be happy.

You're very brave for showing your parents the way out of the door. It's how it needs to be. Take care of you, your present, and your family.

The world is not like TV unfortunately. Real life hits different and it's scary- but worth it. Good job. You are a great mom.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, PrincessBee said:

 they cant have a relationship with me or my new baby if...

Make a better life for your child . Don't let alcoholics or abusers near your baby.

Cut these people out of your life. Focus on your own family and building a decent life for you and your family free of alcohol and abuse.

Don't use your child as a pawn to attempt to change your parents.

Just keep them away and do not let them babysit.

Perhaps when your child is older and they have displayed trustworthy behavior, your child can develop a relationship with them.

[LaHermes]

13 hours ago, PrincessBee said:

I reached out to a therapist who told me some very hard to hear truths...

1. THEYRE NEVER GOING TO CHANGE

2. THEY WILL NEVER TREAT YOU LIKE YOUR SISTER

3. YOU HAVE TO BE ADULT WITH THEM AND NOT LET THEM GET TO YOU

4. YOU MAY NEVER KNOW WHY THEY TREAT YOU DIFFERENTLY

The therapist was absolutely correct. 

And this is a classic example of the "golden child" syndrome.  Could I suggest you get this excellent book:

"Will I ever be good enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride.

And I wholly agree with Lost.

7 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Withholding love and being abusive to your own child is not parenting, it is cruel.  I would even go as far to say they aren't your parents for the way they treated you,

I honestly do not understand how parents can treat their children in this fashion, and why have children if you are not going to care for and love them in a steady and kind manner.