Is this rude?

[Liz]

So it was my nephews 1st birthday party (my brothers son) about a week ago. I had been trying to help my sister in law with party ideas etc. We aren’t very close but I made the effort with her because I know my brother would appreciate it. I ordered some theme cupcakes for them that cost me £25 and my sister in law said she’d get my brother to pay me back. I just left it because I thought it was a nice gesture. Today My brother tells me ‘oh they weren’t that nice’.  So I get really offended especially because they were free for him and I had made the effort. They weren’t amazing which I already knew but it really upset me that he couldn’t bite his tongue. So I got really upset and said well if your going to complain about free things then why don’t u pay it. Which I regretted later but I felt upset by it. 
 

He said family should be able to be honest and this stuff, and that I’m being overly sensitive as if I baked them.

Now I’m unsure how to feel 😞 

[melancholy123]

I think he was rude and his comment was unnecessary.  Whether or not they were good doesn't matter, he should have thanked you and if he was to pay you back, he should have done it.  

I'd be annoyed too.

[catfeeder]

Sure, it was rude, but I could picture a sibling saying something like that on a bad day.

Couple that bad day with one where I'm also feeling ultra sensitive, and I'd need to step back and decide whether I'll allow one stupid remark to blow us up.

Sometimes my sister has no manners. Other times I love her more than I can say.

Which times do I want to keep in mind if I want a good relationship with my sister, her kids, her husband and everyone else in my family?

Head high, and appreciate your own generosity for what it was. You'll thank yourself later.

[Cherylyn]

I could tell you very bad stories about my relatives and in-laws which would curl your toes! 😒

Like you, I've been burned countless times.  Live and learn.

With all due respect, you are no longer naive.

Insults, not getting paid for items, ingratitude, snide comments, insults, offensive remarks, disrespect, rudeness and all of it is "been there, done that" for me.  I've heard and seen it all. ☹️

Forget about the payment for the cupcakes.  You won't see the money paid to you.  As for his obnoxious comments, he won't change for you.  YOU are the one who has to change and change your dynamics with your brother and sister-in-law (SIL).  I've learned this hard lesson long ago. 

And, his comment about how he should be honest and you're being overly sensitive as if you baked them.  Ahhh, classic gaslighting.  Gaslighting is deflecting, changing the subject, turning your complaint back to you as if you're insane and in the wrong and not him.  Gaslighting is forcing you to change your perception of the facts.  It's nothing I hadn't heard before!  Never fall for that old trick and psychological warfare.   People who gaslight lack emotional intelligence.  (Google "emotional intelligence.")  People who lack emotional intelligence, lack empathy.  You can't cure nor fix them.  They are who they are.  You can't change them.

Here's what you do: 

Dial it back.  Don't be so nice or too nice.  If there are any future birthday parties, attend as a guest, bring a gift just like any other guest but don't partake as part of the party planning committee.  Stay out of it.  It's your nephew's parents' show and they're responsible for the party, NOT you. 

Your heart was in the right place.  However, your sincere intentions sorely backfired.  It happens.  Enforce strong, healthy boundaries.  Don't try to get close anymore.  From now on, maintain a cool, frosty, safe distance.  This is what I do with some people who have a track record of being inappropriate and UNKIND.  The secret is to STAY AWAY.  Make yourself unavailable.  Here's the deal:  "I won't bother you and you will not bother me."   

Don't be helpful.  You meant well and look at your disastrous results.  Don't care and don't bother. "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  Also, "what goes around comes around."  If people treat you badly, give them what they deserve which is your apathy and indifference.  Change the way you think and you won't get hurt anymore.  Get smarter and tougher.  This is how you feel and be sure of it. 

Change your tack.  Always outsmart and then you will build your self confidence, security and strength which you'll use to your advantage. 

 

[Wiseman2]

This is along the lines of "no good deed goes unpunished".

Forget about the cupcakes. Next time just go as a guest with a gift and don't stick your neck out for them.

 

[MissCanuck]

Yes, it was rude. 

Is this typical for your brother?