Break up, miscarriage and ghosting

[Rhi23]

Hi I’m currently struggling as I’ve got no one to talk to. I starting seeing my I guess ex now a few months ago and things were going great even talking about moving in together. Then unfortunately his uncle died of covid and he had to fly back to India to attend the funeral. He asked if I would wait for him and I am his beacon of light, love and hope in all this darkness. So I waited 20 days he had asked with no communication as requested.

 

I found out I was pregnant almost a week after he left for India. I did t want o disturb him so I just dropped a single ‘I miss you’ message but received no response. He was due to arrive back in London for quarantine and I got a message saying he was in the hotel and starting quarantine. He had a really emotional trip and was feeling very angry and jaded and sorry for not responding to my message. Because of this I just tried to talk normally to him but I actually was having a miscarriage which the doctor called a chemical pregnancy cause it was under 5 weeks. I didn’t want to tell him as he was stuck in quarantine and I felt it was something to talk about in person.

 

On day three he stopped answering my good morning and how are you messages and day four and five. On day five I told him I’d give him some space and to get in touch when he was ready.

 

He finished is quarantine, flew back to Edinburgh and never messaged me for over a week at this point. So we basically had not spoken in almost a month now. I ended up panicking after a further two days of no communication but seeing him online on WhatsApp. So I tried to call him twice and he didn’t answer the phone and so I ended up messaging i had something important to tell him but I can’t keep hoping he’ll read my message and answer me I’ll just deal with the situation myself.

 

He then sent me this message “ Sorry babe I've had a bad time and I need some space to get over a few things.. You have been nothing but wonderful true and lovely to me, but I'm not able to reciprocate it and get back to the way I was feeling before.. I did try but it's not happening for me.. And the more you try, it makes me feel a bit cramped..

I am okay, but I don't think I can pull you along and waste your time and emotions. There's a lot of doubts in my mind regarding my career, my future and where I want to live and be near my parents etc.. At this time of my life I am not able to think about dates and a new commitment etc..

I know I'm being selfish but I'm not able to fake it or come to terms to those feelings..

And like I said I don't want to waste your time and affection as you have sooooo much to give and I don't know if I'm ready for taking that..

I'm sorry and I would really like to be left alone. Hope you can understand that.”

 

I told him politely I understood even though I don’t completely and I’d give him space and I would sort everything out at my end he didn’t need to worry. He then demanded to know what I was talking about.

 

So as I was typing the reply to him, he’s done the same thing as before. Jumped off WhatsApp and left my messages unread but I’m guessing most likely read them through notifications. I just feel so alone and empty. Even if we weren’t going to get back together I just wanted some closure and to say goodbye to the little one together. I’m struggling to sleep and eat and I see him online, not “read” my messages and I wonder should I send him the pictures of the pregnancy tests? Does he not believe me or care? Should I just try and forget him and move on? Is he truly done with me and our relationship?

I’m so hurt and just looking for some advice and another persons perspective please. I sent him one last long message explaining exactly what I was going through while he was away and how it emotionally has impacted on me and have attached the images of the tests. He has “read” both on WhatsApp but that was now 4 days ago and he’s still not got in touch.

I’ve not messaged him since that day as I’m trying to respect his wish to be left alone. Many thanks xxx

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Rhi23 said:

I found out I was pregnant almost a week after he left for India.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it sounds like he was lying all along about who he is and what's going on. 

It's quite possible he was sowing wild oats before an arranged marriage to a virgin of his parents choosing (very common practice).

 His story about funerals and space a then throwing in all sorts of subsequent excuses indicates that he got married on his visit and can't communicate with you.

Do not bother communication further or sending pics of preganacy tests. Rather, continue seeing your physician and request STD testing for unprotected sex.

[Lambert]

I'm so sorry about the miscarriage....

How are you feeling about that? 

what a selfish jerk this guy is!

Breaking it off is one thing to not let you finish what you wanted to say and only getting his own point out was unfair.

Write him a letter and don't send it. 

This loss is actually a gain. You deserve better. 

Do you have any access to a therapist or a counselor? 

[Tinydance]

This guy sounds absolutely horrible. He does NOT sound like a good or decent person at all. He was ghosting you for a month then said "you trying is cramping me". Excuse me??!! You were dating for a few months and he hadn't responded to you at all for weeks. Of course you were wondering what was going on! And to break up just by text and not respond to your messages about the miscarriage is just disgusting. He contributed to your pregnancy so the least he could do is reply to your message! Sounds like a real heartless jerk. It's good you are free of him now though because imagine your child having him as a Dad. Eeww

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Rhi23 said:

So as I was typing the reply to him, he’s done the same thing as before. Jumped off WhatsApp and left my messages unread but I’m guessing most likely read them through notifications. I just feel so alone and empty. Even if we weren’t going to get back together I just wanted some closure and to say goodbye to the little one together. I’m struggling to sleep and eat and I see him online, not “read” my messages and I wonder should I send him the pictures of the pregnancy tests?

I am sorry for ALL you have experienced 😕 

But do NOT bother him anymore.... He has pulled away and is not giving you anything more.. so just stop trying... Stop reaching out to him.

And don't expect 'closure'.. that's got to be within you.

Do you have friends you can talk to.. vent to?

Sadly, it sounds like you two never really were able to build anything stable enough for HIM to get invested in this relationship- and was easier for him to just walk away.

Maybe consider some therapy for yoruself if you feel so lost and struggling.

One day at a time.. Believe, things will be okay again ❤️ .. and you will move on.

 

[Seraphim]

I am so sorry about your miscarriage. ( I have had 4). He sounds like a selfish baby man child. I would forget this awful person. 
 

Hugs. 

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @Wiseman2 it's happened so many times here on the forum too. Everything is okay, then the man goes back to India and cuts all communication. Recently, there was a lady who was with an Indian man for 3 years, and he did the same thing to her!

These men are nothing but cowards. They don't even deserve the word "men".

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please seek help from friends or family, and check in with a therapist. It's really not easy to handle all of this. The lies, deceit, loss,...

Sending you good thoughts.

[LaHermes]

3 hours ago, Rhi23 said:

just looking for some advice and another persons perspective please.

Consider yourself very lucky OP, that he is gone. He has no class, no ethics, no respect, and is a jerk.  I have to agree with the poster who remarked that he probably has an arranged marriage lined up and you were merely a temporary distraction. 

You NEVER had a relationship, OP. That's the sad and hard truth. 

3 hours ago, Rhi23 said:

Is he truly done with me and our relationship?

 

[Rhi23]

Thank you so much for everyone who has responded and let me know your thoughts. I am going to try and move on from this now and I’ve still had no contact from him over a week after telling him about the miscarriage. I think it is extremely hurtful and emotionally immature but I can’t change him and just have to accept the reality of the situation.

I have got a therapist I started seeing and have had one conversation with so far. I have now deleted our past conversations, removed him from my Instagram and unfollowed him too. I am slowly coming to terms with the miscarriage but this will take time and as other have mentioned will only come from within myself.

If I could I’d just want answers to two things from him. Why have you not acknowledged the miscarriage? And why did your feelings change so drastically so quickly?

But I know I’ll just have to accept I’ll almost certainly never get answers to this and will just have to move on and hopefully next time I’m ready for dating be more cautious and take more time.

Thank you for everyone’s messages though it’s made me feel like I’m not mad for thinking he’s been pretty mean towards me.

I hope everyone stays safe and well x

 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Rhi23 said:

I’ve still had no contact from him over a week after telling him about the miscarriage. I have now deleted our past conversations, removed him from my Instagram and unfollowed him too.

Excellent you are navigating this with your therapist.

You need to delete And block him and all his people from All your social media and messaging apps.

He ran off to India for whatever reasons and has cowardly moved on from all this. There is nothing he can do or say at this point anyway. Do not await decent behavior from an indecent person.

[LaHermes]

24 minutes ago, Rhi23 said:

Why have you not acknowledged the miscarriage? And why did your feelings change so drastically so quickly?

His feelings did not change drastically. He never had those feelings but simply pretended.  You were just a stop-gap.  He has/had no interest in you and he certainly would not want his family and/or his arranged fiancée to know about miscarriages.  To all intents and purposes this individual is no better than a con-man. And you fell for the con.  

What Wiseman said. 

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's quite possible he was sowing wild oats before an arranged marriage to a virgin of his parents choosing (very common practice).

Work on your radar so that you don't get caught in future by these types. Never ever move in with anyone after a "few months", and take every precaution against pregnancy.  This is just practical advice which will serve you well.

Take care.