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Can someone help explain this guy to me?


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22 hours ago, MissiRyleigh said:

Please tell me where the decent men are. I've been in relationships and dating for almost 20 years. Still haven't found even one. 

I feel your pain.  Believe me, I do.  There's no shame in being single though, rather than settling for the best of the bad ones.  

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3 hours ago, MissiRyleigh said:

I want to know how this went from give me your opinion to a PSA about meeting strangers and people making fun of the situation? 

Who's making fun of you?

You also got a lot of good advice about this guy. Since you can't control the direction of a thread, ignore the posts or advice that you don't find helpful. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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5 hours ago, MissiRyleigh said:

I want to know how this went from give me your opinion to a PSA about meeting strangers and people making fun of the situation? 

I don't think anyone is making fun of you. I certainly wasn't, although my comment about the vengeance of your friends was meant to be lighthearted. The point is, people are unpredictable. They don't always behave the way that you expect, or in a way that you understand. This guy is a perfect example of that. 

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Well, my take on it is you didn't exactly do anything wrong. Just from the perspective that you were both consenting adults and you had sex and (presumably) had a good time. I understand that you didn't think he was going to hurt you or anything because he's friends with your friends.

The only thing I would advise is simply to think about what you really want from dating and meeting guys. If you felt lonely and wanted sex after four years, you can do that. If you used protection then nobody got hurt, right? If you were hoping to date this guy though then I think you need to be firm and clear on what you actually want. Usually when a guy you never met before says he's coming to your house straight away, that does mean something. Unless you have COVID restrictions where you live and there weren't many other options or something.

If you want to actually go on a date then you could have said that you should go out and get something to eat and/or go for a walk. You can say this straight up and say you don't want the guy to come to your house, you will only meet in public. If that guy didn't want to meet anymore after you set that boundary, then at least you would know he was only after sex. Also just because he came to your house doesn't oblige you to have sex and you are free to say no.

Again, I am really not saying your behaviour was good or bad. If you did feel like having sex with that guy then that is up to you. It's just that you mentioned you want a relationship. Guys that want to come over straight away are most likely not looking for a relationship. You can have sex with them but I think you just need to keep your expectations low. Someone that decides to meet ASAP on a whim, turns up straight to your house with beers, doesn't want to eat or drink any water. That really screams  "I just want to get wasted and to get laid". If you're on the same page, no problem. But if you're not then tell the person not to come over or say you didn't have that in mind and instead you're going out for a meal. You really don't owe a guy sex just because he drove far and paid for beer. 

Also I understand you were concerned for his well being but clearly he wasn't. So I think to keep telling him to eat and drink and then text about it later kind of comes across as nagging. He's an adult man you hardly knew so if he wants to get drunk and hungover then he can go ahead and do that. 

I think him saying "I'm so busy with work" is his way of basically saying he's not interested. I think you did nothing wrong but he wanted sex from the start and he got it. I don't think he wanted to date so the only way you could have not been in this situation is if you declined him coming over. I don't think it's anything about you personally because he showed up straight to your house with alcohol right from the start. It could have just as well been any other woman he did this to.

I think if you want to focus your attention on finding a relationship then you should probably cut off guys like this guy who just want sex. In that sense it can end up being just a waste of time and leave you feeling confused. Finding a relationship will pay off because once you're in one you can have sex all the time. You won't need guys like him.

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I for one am not judging you for having sex.  Clearly you don't make a habit of sleeping with strange men based on what I've read from you.  As for where the good men are, I can't tell you that.  I couldn't find a good woman where I live, and have asked the same question as to where the good women are.  I now realize there are none where I live.  People like to suggest things like meetups, but I never had any luck with that.  Classes at the gym? That can work for a woman I think.  That's all I've got!

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