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Can someone help explain this guy to me?


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I have been 100% single for a little over 4 years. Was lonely, but keeping myself busy. A little over a month ago I commented on a friends Facebook post and another friend of theirs commented as well. That turned into this friend messaging me. We were talking on and off for about a week. He says, call him. I do. So now we are calling and texting, having pretty steady conversation for about 2 weeks. He finds out I'm about to leave for 29 days visiting family on a road trip. So he brings up that we should meet in person before I go. He lives long distance, but not too far. I say, okay, I can go visit a friend of mine in the same town that he lives and we can meet up what was supposed to be this weekend. But when I mention the plan, he decides he's just going to drive to see me that day (last Sunday) So I'm going along with it. He gets to my house. He says, he brought some beers. I say, let me get you some food to go with it. He says, no. We are hanging out talking and it's fine.

We end up having sex a handful of times, but he isn't finishing. I keep saying, hey, you need water, you need food. He refuses. Finally it's like, 6AM he goes to the kitchen and drinks water, comes back and even though I'm basically comatose tired he wants even more sex. So he finally finishes. Within 20 minutes he leaves because he has to drive back and go to work. He texts me later to say he made it home. Then after work, he texts me asking if he looked different than in his Facebook pictures. He had already asked this a couple times while he was here and I said no. So this time I asked, who has said this before, why do you keep asking me that? He never answered. Hours later I text him saying, the only thing weird to me was that you were drinking beer and thinking you could function on only beer. You wouldn't drink water or eat and I thought you'd pass out or something and I'd have to call the ambulance or whatever. He said I was way over thinking things.

What he doesn't know and I didn't tell him was, my mom is an alcoholic and I've had to medically help her a few times so that's just what I was thinking was going to happen, because that's what I know. So the next morning I text him and say, it's a new day I'm changing the conversation. So a few hours later he replies, I'm so busy with work it's hard for me to reply sometimes. I said, that's fine. He hasn't said anything else and it's been a few days. I'm so confused because I thought we were fine until I brought up the beer thing. But, my sister is trying to tell me, well, he isn't talking to you because he wanted sex and got it so now he's phasing you out. I just want to know what I did. Do you have any ideas why he is obviously no longer interested in talking to me? Or, what I should say to him?

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1 hour ago, MissiRyleigh said:

my sister is trying to tell me, well, he isn't talking to you because he wanted sex and got it so now he's phasing you out.

I agree with your sister. 

I  don't think you beer comments had anything to do with it. He wanted sex. That's it, really. I am not sure why you think you did something wrong. He just wasn't into this for the same reasons you were. 

As such, there is really nothing to say to him. His distance tells you what you need to know, unfortuantely. I would let it fizzle and not hook up with him again. 

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Sorry this happened. It was just a drunken hookup. 

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

That way you can focus on yourself and possibly dating local available single men who aren't heavy drinkers.

Do you have problems with alcohol yourself?

It's unclear why this scenario would appeal to you unless the prospect of someone showing up with beer was worth it.

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Do you normally have sex with someone you just met for the first time in person?  (Not "shaming", just trying to gauge your dating habits.)

Do you think having sex with someone means you are dating them?

Edited by boltnrun
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No. I do not have a problem with alcohol. I can go months without drinking and wasn't drinking during this time.

No. I do not normally have sex with someone I just met. It just happened. I was just going with whatever was going to happen because four years without sex is kinda a long time. (I'm almost 37 years old.) 

No I didn't think we were dating because he came here or because we had sex. But it would be nice to have him say something, because we were talking a lot before. So, why can't he or why isn't he saying something like, thanks for the sex, bye! Or stop texting me. Or you pissed me off because... Or I'll see you when you get back home. He could say anything and it would be better than nothing, that's why I'm confused and annoyed. 

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18 minutes ago, MissiRyleigh said:

why isn't he saying something like, thanks for the sex, bye!

Because nobody ever says that. 

19 minutes ago, MissiRyleigh said:

Or stop texting me.

He probably wants to keep the door open for more sex in the future. 

19 minutes ago, MissiRyleigh said:

Or you pissed me off because...

I don't think you pissed him off. 

19 minutes ago, MissiRyleigh said:

Or I'll see you when you get back home.

Because he's not sure if he wants to do this again. 

OP, all of this is fairly par-for-the-course with a guy who wants sex but not much else. He doesn't want to cut you off totally (in case he wants to have some fun again), but he isn't making any specific plans with you either (in case he doesn't feel like hitting you again again) This is a man who will keep you as an option if you let him, but he isn't making you a priority. 

I would simply caution against letting a man you've never met into your house the first time you meet him. You have no clue who you're opening the door to, and bad things sometimes happen. Nothing wrong with casual sex if you're game, but please do be more careful with how you go about it. Your safety isn't worth it. 

 

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33 minutes ago, MissiRyleigh said:

I was just going with whatever was going to happen because four years without sex is kinda a long time. He could say anything and it would be better than nothing, that's why I'm confused and annoyed. 

Hopefully you weren't trying to turn a long distance drunken hookup into a relationship.

You knew what you wanted, you pursued it and it was clear when he showed up for beer and sex that this was what it all about.

There were no promises of a relationship or dating. Just debates about food, hydration and issues with your mother's alcoholism.

 If you wanted a real BF/relationship, you would have pursued that instead, no?

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OMG this is easy to figure out when you are at a distance like we are.  Buddy wanted to get laid and you obliged.  That's all it was.

You should not have been so eager to have sex with a total stranger.  How do you know he doesn't have any social diseases?  You dont.

So he got what he wanted and he's moved on.  Block and delete him and learn from this.

 

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This is just how he rolls.  But it's affected you ( due to your past).  I have a cpl friends who function like this as well.... Morning coffee turns into an afternoon of beers! 😕 

So, although your thoughts were overwhelming due to your past experience, it won't affect them much, as this is their usual course.

So, you reacted to it.. and I am sure he's heard it all before... So, just don't go there!  You can either take it.. or not.

As for his 'visit', yup, sounds like a hook up.

So, is maybe best to let him go.  I highly doubt he's for you.

No need to contact again.. nothing.

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That's why I'm here because I needed perspective of people who don't know any of the the people and can just go off from the situation at hand and not my whole life history like my sister can/does.

As far as meeting a stranger. I felt more at ease meeting him and letting him come to my house because our mutual Facebook friend is my best friend of 11 years husband and the two guys grew up together as kids. So if something happened where he assaulted me or killed me or something, my best friend would probably kill him and her husband wouldn't stop her. Plus, the friend who I said I'd go visit where he lives so we could meet there, I told her he was coming up and to text me to check in some and she did. 

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Ya sounds like a wham bam TY ma'am. Obviously this was no date, it was a hookup.

A) shows up with beers, so didn't want to go somewhere

B) didn't want food, because that was wasting time to get to the sex

C) stayed as long as he could to get his fill.

D) gives you the "I will be too busy to talk." excuse 

E) you haven't heard from him.

None of this had anything to do with who you are, your opinion about alcohol or the people you know.

It was him looking to get in and get out.

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Sex didn't just happen and has nothing to do with how long it had been.  You had sex with this person because you chose to.  My take on it is he was invited to your home for your first date, you were interested in having sex with him, he was interested in having sex with you.  Now that he has had sex with you he is not as interested in interacting with you but if he feels like having sex again with you and you're up for it and invite him over again he will come over and have sex with you again.  Very simple stuff.  If you think you might be interested in getting to know someone as a potential date or boyfriend plan a date in public.

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48 minutes ago, MissiRyleigh said:

. So if something happened where he assaulted me or killed me or something, my best friend would probably kill him and her husband wouldn't stop her

All this has nothing to do with pulling yourself together and finding decent men to date.

Edited by Wiseman2
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10 hours ago, MissiRyleigh said:

But, my sister is trying to tell me, well, he isn't talking to you because he wanted sex and got it so now he's phasing you out.

I agree with your sister, too. I don't think it has anything to do with the conversation you had about alcohol. He was on a mission. He's probably not responding to you about it because he's probably not being honest with himself about his actions. 

44 minutes ago, MissiRyleigh said:

So if something happened where he assaulted me or killed me or something, my best friend would probably kill him and her husband wouldn't stop her.

Yeah... but you'd still be assaulted or dead. 

Now think about this. In the middle of being assaulted or killed, would you be thinking, "This is fine because my friends will avenge me?" Not likely. 

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50 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I agree with your sister, too. I don't think it has anything to do with the conversation you had about alcohol. He was on a mission. He's probably not responding to you about it because he's probably not being honest with himself about his actions. 

Yeah... but you'd still be assaulted or dead. 

Now think about this. In the middle of being assaulted or killed, would you be thinking, "This is fine because my friends will avenge me?" Not likely. 

I didn't mean it like that. I meant he knows the people we have in common are my best friend and his childhood buddy so it would be pretty stupid of him to kill/physically hurt me. It would be possible and clearly didn't stop him from being a jerk in how he is acting now, but I didn't feel like my actual life was in danger. 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

All this has nothing to do with pulling yourself together and finding decent men to date.

Please tell me where the decent men are. I've been in relationships and dating for almost 20 years. Still haven't found even one. 

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I think he saw this as a golden opportunity to score a roll in the sack, without as much as costing him a cup of coffee, so to speak.  What a deal...Mission accomplished!   (no offense intended).

Since we teach people how to treat us, how would you view yourself as relationship material after this scenario?  

I'd take this as a lesson learned followed by raising my standings.

 

 

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9 minutes ago, MissiRyleigh said:

Please tell me where the decent men are.

You are evidently looking in the wrong places, OP.   If this is the pattern over 20 years then something is awry. Or, something in you is drawing these individuals to you.  How good is your red flag radar?

Yes, Heart!

"Since we teach people how to treat us, how would you view yourself as relationship material after this scenario?  "

Edited by LaHermes
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So do you actually want a "decent" man?  Because I can tell you, if your dating habits consist of sex on the first meet you probably won't meet too many "decent" men that way.

One of my friends "dates" that way.  She's about your age and has not been able to find a boyfriend.  She doesn't seem to make the connection between sex on the first meet and not being able to find a boyfriend.  She's a lovely person but seems to not be willing to change her actions to match what she says she wants.

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3 hours ago, MissiRyleigh said:

I didn't mean it like that. I meant he knows the people we have in common are my best friend and his childhood buddy so it would be pretty stupid of him to kill/physically hurt me. It would be possible and clearly didn't stop him from being a jerk in how he is acting now, but I didn't feel like my actual life was in danger.

Understood. But there are real maniacs out there. Not every killer is intelligent, highly organized, and methodical. Some people have mental illnesses that they hide, some people can't control their impulses and just lash out.

Take, for example the story of Emma Niederbrock. She met a guy online. They had mutual friends online. Everyone knew he was staying at her parents house with her: his parents, Emma's friend Melanie's parents. But the guy got his panties all in a bunch one night and bludgeoned Emma, Emma's mom, and Melanie to death. When Emma's dad came to check up on them, the guy killed him too. The police came to check on the family because nobody had heard from them, and the guy answered the door and told them they were at a movie. Meanwhile, all four of them were lying there, dead, in the house. He finally ended up calling to confess.

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One of my ex's friends turned out to a violent sex offender. None of us had any clue what he was up to until he was arrested, OP. 

You cannot bank on the fact that having a mutual friend means a guy is safe. Until you know him yourself, it is just not wise to let someone into your home the very first time you meet. 

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