Can you recover after pleading to talk to your ex?

[BlueJay56]

My ex and I broke up about a month ago. They gave me a reason that they cared about me and the relationship, but not as much as I did. To give a bit more context is that they were already going through a rough period in their life before they called off the relationship. I asked them what are some boundaries that they would like from me during the break up and they said to not contact them and they would be the one to contact me, I could however call them if I was in an emergency situation. 

For the rest of that month, I didn't really feel bad about the break up. After 30 days of no contact, I started to feel anxious like the whole break up just finally hit me. It really hurt after seeing them post pictures on their social media stories of them smiling. I was envious of that since I miss being able to see that all the time. So realizing that I unfollowed them from all my social medias (pictures from my phone). The pain was still there and with this being my first relationship ever I didn't know how to grieve during this time (like I'm already working out) and I'm still in that process. So in a moment of weakness, I sent out DM on instagram saying something positive like, "Hey I just wanted to say I hope you're doing good". They saw it and didn't respond. I didn't realize at first since I'm so emotional that I had appeared desperate and was most likely annoying them. A few days had passed, I was still in a bad spot that I had 3 similar nightmares, yet different endings. I had a panic attack, so I reached out to them again, "Hey is it possible for me to talk to my friend today? I do need help." This time they did respond back letting me know that they were sorry, but they were still in a bad spot mentally and could not be of any help. I sent back pretty much that I understood and would not have reached out if it wasn't important, but did not want to make their headspace any worse and wanted to see if we could try to talk soon or plan on talking at a more reasonable time. Later on, I saw that the message was read and CONTINUE to make the same mistake by letting them know that I was going back to leaving them alone but said if they could reach out when they can to please do so because it was important. Then yesterday, I have realize how much desperate I was coming off even if my intentions were coming from a good spot. I was still desperate, need more time to heal, and threw away any of my dignity in front of them. I don't know why this made sense to me, but that same day (yesterday) I sent out one last text and it just said, "Hey sorry for the last few days. Things have just been emotional on top of this breakup and I lashed out. Hope you're doing better."

I deleted their number because in the last few days, I have been understanding more and more from their view points on how this relationship came to an end. While they needed time and space because of their personally life. I had become very anxious about their well-being, and was over-stepping in the relationship like trying to fix everything, even though they didn't ask for help or not giving them the appropriate space they needed (during and after the relationship). I've been meeting with my therapist and I have a lot of healing and maturing to do. So I'm extending my part of the no-contact from 30 days to at least a year if not indefinite.

I know I'm gonna be able to get to the point where I can see my life without them again and be happy. I'm not at that stage yet, but I want to be at the point where I could be happy whether or not if they come back (friends or anything). I just want to know so I can learn for future relationship or even this one if they decided to forgive me for my overbearingness, do you guys think that while I'm focusing on myself that they could forgive me or even reach out again?

[PJones]

Many of us have done the same thing. I'm the one who sc*wed up the rel'ship with my last ex. I really wanted him to give me another chance. But 2 months later, I tried to get him to talk to me, and he wouldn't. Of course, I then felt pretty humiliated and depressed. It honestly took me about a year to get over that rel'ship, even tho we were only together six months. I really had to take the time to just be alone and single, and work on my own things. I ended up being very productive creatively, which made me feel better about myself. You just need to focus on yourself, and grieving and healing. Do some fun things, just for you.

Sometimes exes come back. I've had quite a few of mine come back. Even years later. But don't rely on that possibility. It's best to move on and take care of yourself.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, BlueJay56 said:

"Hey is it possible for me to talk to my friend today? I do need help." This time they did respond back letting me know that they were sorry, but they were still in a bad spot mentally and could not be of any help. I sent back pretty much that I understood and would not have reached out if it wasn't important, but did not want to make their headspace any worse and wanted to see if we could try to talk soon or plan on talking at a more reasonable time.

Sadly,  we cannot be real 'friends' with an ex, unless or until we know we're totally over them... the anguish is painful... And you can't turn to them for 'support', they can't give you that. 😕 

 

You did the right thing by removing them.

We need to focus on ourselves at this point.  I know somedays we feel weak in that department.  We want to hear from them.. we want to still talk, etc.  But it's no good.

So.. find that inner strength. Find other ways to 'vent'.. Get a journal and write all you want to say, in there.  I've done it many times.

Direct your focus onto others.. family/friends, etc.

In time, things will ease off.. and you will feel better.  

One day at a time.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, BlueJay56 said:

I just want to know so I can learn for future relationship or even this one if they decided to forgive me for my overbearingness, do you guys think that while I'm focusing on myself that they could forgive me or even reach out again?

Once it falls through, it never gets back as it was. I explained it with analogy of throwing feather pillow through window. You can maybe recollect some of the feathers and make it again, but pillow will never be the same. Same with relationships. Hence why you dont see many people who hang around their exes(at least those who were meaningful ones). It falls through, people get dissapointed and move on. You are on the good path with this

 

2 hours ago, BlueJay56 said:

I know I'm gonna be able to get to the point where I can see my life without them again and be happy. I'm not at that stage yet, but I want to be at the point where I could be happy whether or not if they come back

So continue with that mindset and move on. 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, BlueJay56 said:

do you guys think that while I'm focusing on myself that they could forgive me or even reach out again?

Bottom line is, it doesn't matter.

The fact that you repeatedly reached out also doesn't matter. Your relationship ended before that, and for different reasons. 

Lots of people do things like that when relationships end. It's completely understandable. But irrelevant. 

The most important thing for you to realize is that your relationship is over. You have to let go of it.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, BlueJay56 said:

My ex and I broke up about a month ago. this being my first relationship

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? How old is he? 

What was the reason for the breakup? 

After someone breakups up with you you need to go through your social media and ALL your messaging apps and delete AND block him and all his people.

You need to talk to trusted friends and family if you "have an emergency". Or go to an ER or call a suicide hotline.

Even though this is your first relationship, dating is not about babysitting or someone being on call for free therapy.

 It was manipulative to contact him claiming "you need help",  you know this and he knows this.

Talk to your parents, ask if they will take you to a doctor to address your idea that you chronically feel on the edge of some "emergency".

 

 

[BlueJay56]

@Wiseman2 We were together for a little over a year. I am 25 and she is 23. The reason being was that there wasn't that romantic feeling. To be very honest, after spending so much time with them during the pandemic. It just seems a bit difficult to do anything spontaneous and/or such during this time especially that we both work all the time. So partially the fault was on me for not only neglecting the romantic part of it due to feeling comfortable, but also I overstepped so it took whatever little amount of romance there was in the beginning out of it. 

 

I would want to argue how that was manipulative mainly because in that moment I was very valuable and I was having a panic attack. During the time of the relationship we have both been each others rock when we have had those attacks. But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if it was or not but that yeah I could see how that came off as such. I'm currently in therapy to work on building trust with other people when I have these moments. 

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, BlueJay56 said:

in that moment I was very valuable and I was having a panic attack. 

That's precisely the time to talk to trusted friends or family or call a doctor go to an ER or call a mental health hotline. That is not the time to call an already overwhelmed ex.

[BlueJay56]

Quote

That is not the time to call an already overwhelmed ex.

And you're right. It wasn't the time. I get that. I just had a moment of weakness in where I wanted to reach out to someone familiar. I'm working on being able to go to other people on the issue I have.