Help a woman approaching 70 sort things out, please

[Liz Williams]

Four months ago an old flame contacted me by email. This isn't any old flame but a man I really loved and who really loved me. We met in college and saw each other on and off for years afterwards even though we did not live near each other and still don't. Ten years ago I left a very unsatisfying marriage and moved to a place about an hour from where this old flame, named Frank, lived. I saw him one time before I moved there; it was a platonic visit. We talked on the phone a few times once I got settled there but it was only superficial, nothing about our feelings, for the most part.

Before very long, I decided to reconcile with my husband because I could not make it financially on my own there. (I was already near retirement age.) I called Frank and told him I was reconciling, and he must have been hurt because he hung the phone up on me. I returned to my marriage, which improved a little but was still unsatisfying in many ways. Fast forward to the present. When Frank contacted me a few months ago, he told me that after that event some years ago, he received an email from me saying, "Don't contact me again." I never sent this and obviously, my husband went into my email account and sent this. (He's a computer guru.) I was very sorry to hear this because it indicated to me that Frank may have wanted to contact me during this time but didn't because of this email message. At any rate, Frank and I rekindled our relationship by phone for four months recently, during which time I decided to leave my husband again. I found out I could make it on my own financially. I went to a therapist to run things by her. I told my husband of my decision. He moved out about 6 weeks later, even after we'd come to a better understanding of some of the bad stuff that happened between us. When I told Frank of my decision, he wanted to know about the issues in my marriage, the most egregious of which I told him about. He encouraged me not be hasty, saying, "I'll be here. I'll be here." After my husband was gone for about a week, he sent me an email saying that he thought my decision was final (even though for me it was always a trial separation, and I'd told him this) and that he was going to mourn the marriage and move on. Well, when I read this, I panicked. I have little support in the way of confidantes like I've had in the past. In my panicked state, I asked my husband to return. Had I been able to calm myself, I would not have told him to return.

I called Frank and told him my husband was returning and he said, "This is two times now." That was basically the end of the conversation. I felt sick to my stomach. A week later I sent him a letter telling him I love him and always have. But basically, at age 69, living with a secure, mediocre relationship beats living alone in my opinion. I wrote Frank that I'd be up his way later this summer and would love to stop and see him. He hasn't responded and I didn't really expect him to. I know he's hurt. He does not express his feelings unless he feels very safe but is very guarded about them.

But, really, would it have been reasonable for me to leave my marriage of almost 30 years for someone who, although we clicked wonderfully on the phone, did not tell me he loves me, did not encourage me to leave my husband, or say much at all to indicate that he wanted to be with me, except for some indirect references? It would have taken VERY little encouragement or expressions of caring from Frank for me to stay on my own but they never came. I know he didn't want to be the cause of my divorce in case things didn't work out between us. But I would not have held it against him. I'm not that kind of person. I fell into a funk because I miss talking to him so much. My husband is now doing some of the things I've been asking him to do. He does really love me. I know that. But I have NEVER had the feelings for him that I have for Frank. I'm not the type of person that ever needed a man to be with. I spent many times in my youth with no boyfriend. But, at my age, being alone is not something I want for myself. In my mind, I opted for the practical because I AM a very practical person. But I know I don't love my husband as I do this other man. Did I make a mistake?

[smackie9]

Do you hear yourself? You can't sit there and fold your arms and wait for your husband to jump into action. You both need counseling together. I feel you have too much resentment going on, and that it's killing your feelings for your husband. This Frank guy is just an escape for you. You get your emotional fix from him. It's called infatuation. All you are doing is reliving that time way back. You can't compare the teenager you to the senior you. You are not that person anymore and neither is he.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. I say, if you divorce your husband, Frank will end up disappointing you, and you will be left completely dissatisfied. If you really focus on your marriage, work together with counseling, and both start dating each other again, you will have the emotional connection you have been looking for.

[boltnrun]

Instead of relying on men to financially support you, what else can you do? Do you have a pension,  retirement, social security income?

And I don't blame Frank for ending this affair for good. You are treating him terribly, bouncing him around like a rubber ball. And you say you love him?

You're old enough to know better. Stop using people for your own benefit. Stand on your own.

[Seraphim]

Sounds like you are playing both men against each other to see who will jump to support you. You won’t EVER be satisfied like this. Also Frank is only interested in dalliance if your husband is footing the payments. 

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, Liz Williams said:

I decided to reconcile with my husband because I could not make it financially on my own

So you went back to your husband even if you didn't love him!  Did you at least tell your husband that you were returning to him for financial reasons?!  Poor man. "secure, mediocre relationship".  That's how you see him. 

I cannot imagine anything more dishonest.

1 hour ago, Liz Williams said:

at age 69, living with a secure, mediocre relationship beats living alone in my opinion.

1 hour ago, Liz Williams said:

I know I don't love my husband as I do this other man.

Again, you are living a lie with your husband.  He deserves better!

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Liz Williams said:

But, really, would it have been reasonable for me to leave my marriage of almost 30 years for someone who, although we clicked wonderfully on the phone, did not tell me he loves me, did not encourage me to leave my husband, or say much at all to indicate that he wanted to be with me, except for some indirect references?

I really don't know what you expect?

YOU are the one who keeps running back to your husband ( 2 x's ex) - for your own re-assurance.

And you already know that Frank was never re-assured of anything between the two of you & went guarded.

Look at it this way, you had NO idea if you & Frank would ever truly be.. 'a couple' and have it be successful.  That's a shot in the dark.

1 hour ago, Liz Williams said:

It would have taken VERY little encouragement or expressions of caring from Frank for me to stay on my own but they never came.

You were never secure with your choices, is how I see it.  Which is why you keep taking your ex back - fears of the unknown, so now you need to live with the choice - of basic tolerance, so you can kinda 'live comfortably'. 

 

1 hour ago, Liz Williams said:

But I have NEVER had the feelings for him that I have for Frank.

You don't know what it would have been like with Frank... That's just the curiosity kicking in.. a yearning. (fantasy vs reality). And I could see that (if you went there), soon fading, as you would have been still stuck on your ex.. so be glad you never went that far.

 

1 hour ago, Liz Williams said:

. I'm not the type of person that ever needed a man to be with. I spent many times in my youth with no boyfriend. But, at my age, being alone is not something I want for myself. In my mind, I opted for the practical because I AM a very practical person. But I know I don't love my husband as I do this other man. Did I make a mistake?

- Yeah, that was when you were much younger, you are different now...

Did you make a mistake?  No.

Your mistake would have been following through & getting lost in something you'd know nothing about.

I feel is time to let go of this fantasy of Frank.

And IF you feel you are fine on your own - instead of being so independant, then do so.

And you WILL need a lot of time on your own to be okay again.